Rainy Day finale

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Even though I know the cake looked like crap, he loved it. And was surprised. He had no clue I was making a cake for him. But boy was I anxious about a lot.

To start with I wanted to surprise him and Murphy’s law kept peeking in on us. You know with the whole car fiasco and basically riuning the day.

Then when he went out with his girlfriend the night was cut short for some reason. So I had to hide all the evidence.

Another reason my anxiety was high is when there’s something I need or want to do, I jump in and do it. I don’t procrastinate. That is a huge pet peve I have.

When I first got laid off in November of 2019 I still would wake up early have my 2 cups of coffee and start doing things around the house that had BEEN needing to be done. Shoot I even painted the living room, dining room and kitchen. Mom had been wanting that done for some time. Then I got caught up on things and was trying to fill my day with things to do.

But I soon discovered something about myself. I never realized I had it until I suddenly had all this “free time” on my hands.

I mentioned in the beginning of this blog how I was anxious.

Anxious: experiencing worry, unease, or nervousness, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.

Most people are usually anxious about things from time to time. It’s actually normal. In fact my sister and I had a conversation about anxiety. (side note my sister is 10 years younger than me) So we was talking about anxiety. I was explaining that I have never personally experienced an anxiety attack. So I wouldn’t know one if I did. I have however talked mom through plenty of anxiety attacks. So my sister had told me about an experience she had with anxiety. Her oldest daughter had just moved out, and my sister said she woke up in the middle of the night unable to breath and her heart was beating fast. This is how I’ve heard many people explain their experiences with anxiety.

Now with mom when she first started having those attacks we had no clue what was going on. I remember rushing to the hospital thinking she was having a heart attack. But thank goodness she did not. But we followed up with countless doctors and they found absolutely nothing wrong with her. Which is a good thing. But we couldn’t figure out what was going on with her. Then finally a doctor told us it was anxiety. So I’ve talked mom down on many occasions when she would have these anxiety attacks. Yet to this day I don’t know what THAT type of anxiety attack feels like.

So in this current lay off, I’m trying to think of a job I can do where there’s not so much hard manual labor. I’m getting too old for all this heavy lifting and such. I tried to go back to school, but covid had other plans and decided to shut the country down. Great

So I start racing in my mind what can I do? As far as work. Ironically I have always worked. But I have no real skills, or a certificate that says I know how to do something. As I mentioned I’m getting too old for this hard manual labor, and nobody can live on minimum wage unless they work 2 jobs.

So the idea of making gift baskets comes to mind. I thought not a bad idea. People buy gift baskets all the time for so many different occasions. Then I start seeing these advertisements for ecommerce. I start looking into that. What exactly it is, how does it work, and what do I need to do. I start thinking maybe I should offer more than just gift baskets. A lot of ideas came to mind. Like making candles, bath bombs, coffee mugs, and other crafty things. I’m also thinking at the same time I can occupy mom’s time and give her something to do.

So I come up with a business plan with a list of ideas to put in this “ecommerce” store. I even get a resellers certificate. I find an ecommerce hosting site and get that set up. (So to say) STILL figuring that out. However I’m trying to keep mom occupied while I work on some of my projects for this site.

Now I’m 6 months into this journey and so far not a hit. I’m ok with that right now. But I digress from what I intend to blog about (typical) as I said I discovered something about me and anxiety. I feel like I have what’s called HIGH FUNCTIONING ANXIETY.

I endure long periods of hard work, then experience burnout, then I procrastinate. I overthink that I am not doing “enough” or I fear failure. Poor sleep—I don’t sleep enough hours, I wake up and cannot seem to get back to sleep, or I have trouble falling asleep. Racing thoughts that make it difficult to relax.

The thing is, I worked at a job for 10 years. I could have ran the company. I don’t mean that LITERALLY, what I mean by that is I knew what needed to be done, when it needed to be done, and I knew how to run every machine in that company. In fact my boss would come to me asking about something. Then the company decided consolidate and move operations to Dallas. They had already shut a couple other hubs that was in Texas. We was hoping to keep the Houston hub, but the company decided to keep the Dallas hub and shut down the Houston hub.(just my luck)

So naturally anxiety creeps up, but who wouldn’t be worried you’re fixing to be out of a job. However I was lucky enough to land a job 6 weeks later. Oh but now it’s a whole new ball game. A whole new job to learn the ins and outs. Learn who, what, when, where, and why.

Let me tell you this job KICKED my behind. So it was a job in the energy industry. I had never in my life done industrial work. When I went through the 3 day orientation I was literally scared to death. Because of the emphasis they put on safety alone. I was hired by a staffing agency. She saw my resume and was very impressed with my longevity on my jobs. I was actually hired to clean valves. Once I got there on the job I found out they was valves that are used for fracking. One valve weighs about 5lbs no big deal right? BUT when you have 200 valves on a pushcart that turns into 1000lbs PLUS the weight of the cart. And we had to bake them once they was pressed. Of course the industrial ovens was not in the same area they are pressed in. So you have to push the cart all the way to the other end of the shop. Pushing that cart of valves is almost equivalent to pushing a car. But I did it because it was expected of me to do so. The truth is that was serious hard work. I came home beyond exhausted. I had a supervisor who was difficult to work with. I may one day blog about my experience with that job and supervisor. Just not today. But as I said I would come home exhausted. I would get home and have to cook dinner and clean up. BUT it had to meet moms expectations. Mom would watch over me as I cleaned the kitchen, and she would ask ” what are you going to do with this, or that, or she would say aren’t you going to wipe down the stove?” Just little nagging things that I am of course going to handle, but I think it was her way of “bossing” me around. I have always been her target. So my mind is on constant defense when interacting with her as I have to be careful NOT to set her off.

Now I realize all this time in dealing with interactions with mom is a form of anxiety. But I try to contain the anxiety and not let on that I’m in a slight panic mode. I admit mom and I used to argue like bitter enemies. I of course as her daughter knew I was limited on what I could say to her, as I had to remain “repectful” to her. She has many common phrases, but the two she uses most are Honor your mother, and I am your mother. But she could say anything she wanted, because I have to honor my mother. I have lived in constant criticism from mom that I unknowingly built a defense wall constructed with anxiety. But the type that makes you find away to survive, not the typical hyperventilating and tend to freeze. No, I have the one where my mind says find a quick answer or solution to make it right for now. Keep pushing forward. Never let them know you’re lost for what to say or do.

Now I’ve rambled on so much I’ve forgotten where I was going with this blog.

I can say this, this whole anxiety thing is exhausting. I feel like I’m running out of solutions. I can’t find the right direction to keep things moving. I don’t even have a job, and I am absolutely exhausted.

I have spent so much time and money on this “business” and have no clue what I need to do other than just get a job. Yet that brings anxiety. I don’t like the idea of mom being home alone. She is getting to tge point of needing assistance in some of her day to day tasks. But at the same time I’m not used to not having my own source of income.

So this is my experience with a form of anxiety. I don’t know which is worse, or more exhausting. The freeze and panic or the fight and solve it. The anxiety when you go into a freeze and panic mode WILL end. Although it may seem like it took hours but it usually lasts about 5 to 20 minutes. Believe me I know that seems like forever when you’re in the middle of said panic. I also understand with the freeze panic there’s no warning. It just comes from out of nowhere.

Then the second one feels like it never ends because it seems to be one event after the other especially when you’re around other people. You HAVE to keep this game face on, because if they see you’re out of sorts, thats when they start punching. Bombarding you with questions UNNECESSARY questions. But, with said questions it’s nothing more than information they will file away for future reference. That alone is mentally exhausting.

Which now brings me back to a thought on another blog I did on introverts. Could this be a contributing factor in a person having introvet tendencies?

For example. For one moment, they realize how peaceful it feels to be in YOUR own thoughts. Not having to answer to anybody as to WHY you chose to wear a blue T-shirt instead of the grey one. You don’t have to worry some one may get upset because you asked them to repeat what they said because you genuinely did not hear what they said. And best of all there is NO ONE to drain your energy. Now I do enjoy good conversation. I love hearing people’s opinions, thoughts and ideas. It’s what makes conversation interesting.

So this blog has taken me all day to write. I think I’ve rambled on enough for now. Have a nice evening.

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