they’re lies that I fabricate to
project a perfect life and
convince you I’m okay. Don’t trust the smile you see;
it’s a facade to conceal
searing pain, acute shame,
Don’t get fooled by my laughter;
it is merely an echo
of hollow insides, yearning
for senses to return.
Don’t get convinced by my clarity and order;
borne in attempt to
control the chaos
and pacify the storm brewing inside.
Don’t be blinded by
The perfection I exude,
The courage I fake,
The innocence I feign,
The confidence I wear-
For I am broken.
So apparently I am not always consistent. 😶 but then again I knew that and now my few readers are going to know that about me.
the reason or reasons one has for acting or behaving in a particular way.
I clearly have ZERO motivation.
This almost feels like that move Groundhog Day. The day just keeps repeating over and over.
Yes I have always struggled with my weight. That’s just one of many things I have struggled with. Sadly now that I’m not working it feels like all my struggles are coming at me head on. I hate that feeling. I had hopes that with this pLandemic I could find a small success in entrepreneurship. I literally sunk all my money into this ONLY to fail. 😶 oh wait here’s a cliché ( if at first you don’t succeed try, try again) here’s another one ( persistence pays off in the end.) and here’s another one for a quick giggle 😶 ( “The phoenix must burn to emerge.”)
I just wish I knew what I was doing wrong in general. With any and everything so I can make corrections. I’m not trying to be Jeff Bezos, or Elon Musk success, I just want to be able to live comfortable. Without having to rob Peter to pay Paul.
This constant treading water to keep my head up has worn me out. I feel like I hit a barrier with nothing to grab onto. I’m just tired.
I have to laugh at myself because as I’m writing this (victim mentality rant) I remember how I couldn’t WAIT to grow up. Well here I am all growed up 😶 (yes I spelled it “growed”)
Bottom line is…I need a job. But with no real skill and my age to boot theres no livable wage paying job. I’ve been there making minimum wage. I had to work 2 minimum wage jobs JUST to eak out a way to survive. That was 16 years ago when I left my ex. I promised myself come hell or high water I was NEVER going back to him. Although the first year I left him was really hard. I only had the one job. I was working 40 hours a week at $6.25 an hour. That was $250.00 a week before taxes, but the pay period was every two weeks. I was bringing about $360.00 give or take every two weeks. Forget about getting insurance or a 401k. I needed EVERY penny of that check. I was lucky enough to get a second job at Krogers. Of course it was part time. I forget the wage per hour but I averaged about $100.00 to $120.00 a week. Krogers paid every week, so that week that I didn’t get a check from my full time job that kroger check REALLY came in handy. Funny thing is people kept telling me I should apply for food stamps. 😂😂 I did. 😶 I only had the one job when I did, and according to THEM ( food stamp office) I made too much money to qualify. 😶.
So I continued working two jobs. Then after about 3 years I was able to get my son and myself into a 2bdr apartment. We was living in a 1 bdr all bills paid.( that was helpful) So we just get into the 2 bdr and my mom calls me asking for help because my brother had lost his job. Long story short I couldn’t help her but I decided they could come stay with me and my son until they get on their feet. That was in 2008 we are now in 2021 and we are still together.
But during 99% of this time I have always had a job. Where as my brother was having a hard time keeping a job. So he would be out of work often. He would get a job but 3 to 6 months later he would lose it. I don’t know why. But it is what it is.
I had started working at Netflix but the beginning at that job was a struggle because it was part time, the pay was decent, just not 40 hrs. So now I’m working 2 part time jobs which equal to less than 1 full time job. (If that makes sense) Then at one point my brother got a job and we decided we would all stay together to help each other. Even though we are a family, I still feel like I got the short end of the stick. As I learned, my brother struggled to keep a job.
So as I said I’ve always had a job. I ended up staying with Netflix for 10 years. The pay was good, but EVEN working 6 days a week I couldn’t hit 40 hours. 32 was the most I made on average. But there was a lot of good benefits on that job.
Sadly that company decided to move operations to Dallas in July of 2018. However, I was lucky enough to land another job 6 weeks later. This job was full time and the pay was ACTUALLY a very modest livable wage and some over time from time to time. But sadly that job ended up with a lay off. So from that lay off I was able to draw on unemployment. Thankfully my brother got a job about 2 weeks before I was laid off. AND…thankfully he is still there today.
I have to say God works in mysterious ways. I am thankful for the fact that my brother is working right now. But fearful of if it will last. Not to mention my mom is getting up in her years and has some health issues. First she is asthmatic, so she gets winded easily. In her younger years she was tall, but osteoporosis has taken some of her height, but she still struggles to stand for any lenght of time. So there’s a part of me that wants to stay home with her to keep an eye on her. She had a fall once when I was at work. My brother had went on a few errands and she was home alone. This happened kind of late in the day. I got home from work, and as I’m pulling into the drive way I see me brother’s truck parked on the wrong side of the road as if he parked in a haste, then I see my brother coming out to my truck, and now my mind is racing. I knew something done happened to mom, but what!? Turns out she fell. She’s kind of a heavy person and is not agile. She’s had knee surgery so it’s not so simple for her to get onto her knees and pick herself up. So my brother had called the paramedics they helped her up but suggested she get checked as she hit her head on something on the way down because she had a knot on her head. Thankfully she was fine. No concussion from the hit on the head.
So as I said, I got laid off a week before Thanksgiving of 2019. With this lay off I saved for a while, then came up with an idea to generate some income. Of course I knew it wasn’t going to take off and skyrocke, but I really thought it would generate some source of income. But here I am “crying” about my failures. The good thing is because I don’t have a huge following only a handful will know about my failures 😂
Ok rant over for now, but stay tuned if you enjoy reading about ones failures. Hopefully it will inspire you to keep trying. I hope to some day maybe be an inspiration to someones succes, or maybe one day look back on this, or use this as proof that I did struggle before I made some sort of success. Who knows maybe one day by accident I’ll become a motivational speaker 😂😶 until then let me just wallow in my failures. Dig through them some more and see if there truly is a light at the end of the tunnel.