Life And Death

I have so many thoughts that run through my mind while idle. My dad used to say idle hands is the devils workshop. I always understood it to mean stay busy. Find something to do and basically if you find yourself having bad or negative thoughts get busy, clean a room or rearrange the furniture just do not entertain those thoughts because that’s the devil.

There’s one thing I want to make clear here. I believe in God PERIOD. Not because I was raised to believe in him, but because of many factors in my life tells me he is real.  I am ok if you don’t believe in God that’s your choice. I will not try to force my beliefs on you and I ask that you don’t force your disbelief on me.  I will pay someday you see God’s glory.

Just because I say I believe in God, that  does not by any means, mean I don’t have my struggles. I question so many things. The answers are there, but in all honesty  I am either too lazy or scared to find the answers. Those reasons still do not negate my belief in God. We all have the questions of…..if God is all knowing then why…….

• Why is there cancer?
• Why is there famine?
• Why are children suffering?
• Why does YOUR God allow suffering?
• Why don’t God end all wars?
• Why didn’t God stop the car crash?
• Why doesn’t God kill the devil?
• Why does God allow people to have pain? {emotional and physical}
• Why does God NOT answer your prayers?

 

This is just some of the questions I can think of that I get from the people who don’t believe in God. I am no bible scholar, or no historian researcher. I am nothing more than your average Jane Doe trying to live life. There are a few things I reflect on with some of my learning’s from the bible. It’s my understanding that Jesus is the son of God and he was sent here to be the ultimate sacrifice for our sins. {there’s so much more to it than JUST that} but Jesus said that the Apostle Peter would disown him 3 times before the rooster crows. There are many reasons that he disowned Jesus. From my young and naive understanding it was because Jesus was such a good man, He could heal the sick, bring the dead back to life with the explanation that he was only sleeping. So {in my understanding} Jesus did not deserve to die and certainly not in the manner that he was killed. I questioned why would a loving Father do such a thing to his child? But as usual I digress this is not what I wanted to write about.

I was wanting to express thoughts, sometimes when you don’t have a person to talk to about thoughts I find it better to write them. There are times when I try to articulate my thoughts they don’t make sense when I speak them.

So this life and death thing that I want to elaborate on.  No I’m not going on the   “philosophical” What is the meaning of life? or What is the/my purpose in life? Those questions are played out. {in my opinion} my thing is what happens when you’re still alive, but life in you is not? What if you’re in like a {purgatory} in life, and until you figure out why you, will stay there?  Not sure if purgatory is the exact word I should use, but it’s the word that comes to mind. I feel like I have lived this life and I know what it has to offer.  I feel like I have tread water to keep my head above the water but have gained no real ground to stand on.

I take responsibility for my bad decisions. But it feels like ironically when I try to make amends for my poor decisions the universe is against me and laughing at me {not in a literal sense} I’ve spoke on my decision to drop out of high school, I’ve also said I’m not proud of my decision,and how much I regret it. Hind sight is always 20/20.

Side note if there are any young folks reading this { even if it is for a good laugh} my advice to you is do not quit school.

But I still stand on the idea that once the basics are learned, lets start focusing on the future as far as skills, and start preparing the students for actual trade school, or even college. We know not EVERY  person can be the CEO of a corporation. I know back when I went to school there was different classes as far as for the students. Not different as far as Math, reading. science and so on I’m talking different as far as intelligence of the students. Of course I didn’t know this until halfway through high school, and I still don’t know how the teachers differentiated the students as far as putting t hem into what class, but I know of a few friends that had some sort of a prep classes for college. NOT A one of my teachers EVER spoke to the students as a whole about preparing for college.

What are the determining factors for a student to get into college prep classes? Why was  not all students given the same opportunity?  again I digress.

I don’t know what to do, or where to go. I have raised my son, in essence he no longer needs me. I know how that sounds, but that is the intent when you raise your children. You raise them to no longer need you. It’s not a bad thing. We will not live for forever { right now it seems like it} Part of parenting is teaching  your child to be self sufficient.

As I said, what if the life inside you is no longer, but according to science you’re not dead? IS there an in between living and death? What is that called? Not the UNdead, or the living dead. is there a name for that stage of existence? Is this an example of what happens when you die? I have never had a fear of death. But I have always been curious about it.

For example when we finally leave this earth, do we really see our loved ones that have passed on before us? Will they know us? What about the ones who passed before we was born? I know I’m not the only one who thinks about these things.  Well maybe in my family I might be but I know I’m not the only one in the world that thinks about these things. There was a phrase in a movie I watched years ago and that phrase has stayed etched in my mind every since then. the quote is…..

I will have a wish for death long before death finds me

I have wished for death a very long time. I am not suicidal lets get that clear right now. Thou shall not kill. even if it’s suicide it is still a killing. I know there at least 3 unforgivable sins.

• Blasphemy against the Holy Spirit
• Apostasy a willful defection from the faith
• receiving the mark of the beast

Now y’all please don’t think I’m some holy roller yelling at everybody to get saved, or calling out their sins. Because you can trust I have plenty of my own sins to atone for. Straight is the gate,  and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.

I know the bible talks about hell, there for I know there must be such a place.  My dad used to say I know I’m going to heaven because I’ve lived in hell on earth

There was one thing my dad used to say that I didn’t understand for a long time, but now I get it crystal clear. He used to say you’re supposed to rejoice at passing and weep at birth. Now I understand it very well. The tears for a birth is the beginning life and all the ups and downs. But to rejoice is ones passing is they no longer have to worry. They no longer have to deal with this thing called life. The irony of this is when ever there is a death I still cry. I jokingly say they are the lucky ones. But then as I write this maybe that’s why I cry, because I am still here dealing with life, and that’s when I think it’s Gods way of punishing me. Because I know God will provide you what you need not what you want.

well there’s that thought out in the open. Now maybe I can be productive for the rest of the day. now that I got that off my chest.