It took me 15 years to realize I needed to take a stand and put an end to this madness.
Don’t get me wrong. We broke up a thousand times. Each time I hought it was me taking a stand, only to fall back to his charm, and believe his lies. Because of my lack of boundaries. Each time I forgave him, I was, in his mind telling him it’s ok, and please continue to belittle, and humiliate me, because I JUST want someone to love me; and this is the price I’m willing to pay.
But you see growing up vying for validation was embedded in me, it was normal. Ok … I’ll admit, I am that person who has her sunglasses on top of her head and will TEAR the house up looking for them. You know, that old saying “can’t see tge forest for the trees”
Well there was one person I can say did love me unconditionally. He was my step dad. It felt wierd just now, referring to him as my step dad. He raised me from the time I was 5yrs old into adulthood. He never stopped loving me no matter what battles we had. Let me tell ya we had some rough patches. But that’s another blog.
As I stated it took me 15 years to make my stand. But to be fair, my son was my rock in that situation. He was almost 14 years old, his dad and I had just had another round of his binge drinking. He would literally drink 3 to 4 18pack of beer a day and chase it with tequila for 10 to 15 days straight. I honestly believe he was doing something else because in the days he would drink he never did sleep. And if I tried to sleep he would disturb my sleep. So on one of those binge days, I was trying to get him to eat something. He told me to cook something and after this beer he will eat. So I cooked, but he didn’t eat, so I started opening his beers and pouring them down the sink, he managed to save one, but he ended up throwing it at me, that was the first time our son ever seen him hit me. My son was so angry he somehow slung him across the kitchen yelling at him. I knew then, if I stayed things will get worse between him and his dad.
So a few days after that scene my son says why don’t we just move mom, dad doesn’t love us, we should just leave.
So from that point I started looking for us a place to live. I found us an apartment. I know he didn’t really think I was leaving him, because I was the one to call it quits instead of him calling it quits. He thought he was. Calling my bluff. He was in fact laughing at me, saying things like how many times have we been here? You’re never going to find someone like me. Nobody will ever love you like I do. You’re never going to make it on your own. Typical things a narcissist would say.
I told him it don’t matter how many times we been here, THIS is the last time. As far as me finding someone, thats the least of my concern, but if I do find someone I pray to God he AIN’T like you; and I will work however many jobs it takes to make it.
I actually left him, and never went back. It was hard the first year, but then I got a second job and it made things a bit easier. I have been gone from him since May of 2005. We are now in 2021 and I’m still standing strong.
I did say my son was my rock, but my dad had a big part in it also. I really don’t think I would have made it without those two in my life.
I am still single, but I’m ok with that. I can’t trust myself. I know that I am the one who will give my all. To be honest I really think my ex broke me. I used to write little notes when I packed his lunch. I would say things like ” love you have a good day” but he actually told me not to do that. Now I think that if I was to get into a relationship I wouldn’t even know how to love said person. I don’t even think I have a (love language) any more. But any way who knows what the future holds. Just take it one day at a time.
As I’ve said I hope to help someone with this blog on narcissistic personality, and empaths. I’m sure if an empath stumbles upon this blog they will be the one to see a little bit of them in this blog before a narcissist will. It’s understood a narcissist is never the problem. Because they are never wrong, and they will gaslight you into believing you’re the problem. I don’t even think I touched on the gaslighting. But that’s another blog. This one has drained me for now. Re-visiting my past is never easy. But it helps in the healing. I don’t have my das here anymore to talk to when I need to vent, or just need reassuring. Blogging helps.
So I leave you with of course my links in hopes of someone visiting my shop.