Christmas

Been a day or 2 since my last blog. If memory serves me, I blogged about Thanksgiving. The dinner was nice, everything came together nicely.

So after it was said and done, the next day I got on my Facebook page. Anybody who has Facebook knows, that Facebook loves to bring up the past. It showed a memory of our 2014 Thanksgiving. My heart stopped beating for just a second; as that was the last Thanksgiving to be had with dad. Had I knew that; and if I had the ability; it would have been FOREVER Thanksgiving Day. Sadly we know NOT for whom, or when the bell tolls. Now when I do Thanksgiving there will always be fall leaves of some sort of decorations, because that last Thanksgiving I had scattered fake fall leaves all over the table. My dad loved them and said they reminded him of back home when he was a boy on the farm. Oof I miss him so much. I keep seeing his smiling face, I remember how he always said positive things. He was ALWAYS encouraging you, and when he was proud of you, and or your success, no matter how small or big your win was he let you know what a great job you did.

Now Christmas is coming up. Christmas is a tough holiday for me. There was a lot of inconsistencies growing up. I have spoke on the death of my biological father. I wasn’t old enough to remember him. Except that specific day he passed away. I have remembered that fateful day for longer than I knew him. However mom did remarry. That man is the one who helped raise me and my brother. They had a daughter together. Of course she’s my little sister. Now when she and he got married, she knew his faith did NOT celebrate secular holidays like Christmas, Easter, or Halloween. When ever those holidays rolled around, it depended on rather mom was mad at dad, or her mom that we DID or DID NOT celebrate those holidays. THAT’S when all that extra drama would come into play.

I have blogged about narcissism, and how things can be confusing when a child is the target of the narcissistic person. As a child all I understood is, mom’s mad. There would be times she was mad at dad. I never knew why, only that she was mad at him. When she’s mad she is emotional, and reactive. With no care about how hurtful she is with her words and actions. That was terrifying as a child. Also when mom was mad she was angry and hurtful to anyone who crossed her eye sight. DON’T even think about speaking to her. Now that I’m older, I have revisted my younger years. I see now that there was a form of consistency. It was guaranteed there WILL be some kind of drama. Just a matter of which direction the drama went. Also in hindsight I feel like more often we DID NOT celebrate the holidays because there was more drama when we didn’t than when we did.

You see my dad was a passive guy. He didn’t care for all the fussing and bickering. Yet he stood his grounds on his fath and beliefs. He DID NOT celebrate the holidays, however if mom decided she will, he didn’t give her the fight she wanted. The thing about a narcissist is, they love to create drama then play victim to the very drama they created. Not my dad. In fact there was times that mom decided to celebrate Christmas. Now my dad would drive us to the house that was hosting the Christmas eve party. Which was always Granny’s place. Let me tell you that first off I love my granny, but she was spiteful, mean and vindictive at times. She was the queen of personal satisfaction. She always made the holiday dinners. She knew my dad didn’t eat pork, yet she would put pork bacon in the green beans, then take it out before setting them on the table. She would also from time to time give my dad a gift for Christmas, knowing good and well he didn’t celebrate. Then after the “festivities” laugh and smirk about the fact that he accepted the gift. Most often it was something like a pair of gloves, or a beanie. I believe most times he JUST didn’t want the drama.

That being said, there was times when mom would be mad at Granny and NOT celebrate. I think those was my mom’s favorite times. Because Granny was vindictive Granny would get drunk, come over to our place and make a scene for all the neighbors to see and hear, and with mom loving the drama would get just as ornery. They would fuss and bicker about stuff from the past, never really argue about the topic at hand. There are so many examples and stories I could tell you. However, I just don’t have the time.

Now Christmas is just around the corner, my brother and mom want me to make a Christmas dinner. They are wanting DUCK! I’ve never cooked duck. Not to mention the memories of past Christmas’s. Ugg!

So I seem to be out of words to blog now but there’s a blog for y’all.