God Is Always In Control.

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I have mentioned in other posts that I believe in God. I still stand with that belief.

I’m going to start at the beginning. First week in May late Wednesday night some thieves stole my brothers catalytic converter. My brother called the police to make a report. Turns out a few other people on our street had the same thing happen to them. Fast forward to Tuesday 5/25 some time during the night they took his truck. Now that truck is an old 2000 service truck. He was on his way out the door taking out the trash as he usually does on trash day and his truck his gone. I told my brother chances are, your truck is on the Southside stripped for parts, and your tools will be in several different pawn shops. All over Houston.

When something like that happens you feel violated, and helpless. You feel anger. So many thoughts and emotions run through your mind.

My brothers job is a good hour to an hour and a half drive. Mom has a vehicle my dad left for her when he passed. I use that for her doctors appointments and run errands for her. So the idea of taking my brother to work is not so simple. Just for the drive alone. Moms vehicle already has over 200,000 miles on it.

But that same day the police did find his truck in a ditch on the Southside. The police had it towed to a lot on Hardy and Crosstimbers which is about 20 to 30 minites from where we live.

Now my brother had to pay to get it out, which that sucks, because it was stolen. He didn’t abandon the vehicle. He wasn’t doing something to get arrested to have it towed. But he has to pay. But as unfair as it feels, the blessing here is, the truck was found, it was NOT stripped, his tools was still tucked away in the compartments of the truck. They did however take his front license plate. In essence this turned out to be a big inconvenience. Yet I still feel grateful that he recovered his truck and his tools.

Yes I prayed about it. I talked to God. And he does hear us. God works in mysterious ways. God does speak to us, he just speaks softly. That’s why, when you pray, you should be in a quiet place. I’m not talking about those quick little prayers when your gas tank is almost on E and you just need to make one more day to get to work, or that quick prayer for your favorite team to win.

I have to say there was a time when I believe with my quick prayer, we was saved by the grace of God. Not to mention my dad was a man of strong faith. This was years ago. I was 12 or 13 years old. Just for the record…I live in Texas, Texas is known for having tornadoes just pop up from nothing. At that time I shared my room and my bed with my granny. So in the dead of night came a tornado. Power was knocked out. I also should mention that I have a phenomenal strong fear of the dark. When I can’t see, I start to feel a numbness come over me. But I fight THAT feeling to be able to flee the dark some how. So in dead of night the tornado rips through our neighborhood. The lights go out, I jump up out of bed and make a beline around my bed to open my bedroom door. BUT here’s the thing it’s still dark and I still can’t see, but when I got my bedroom door open I seen the image of Jesus. I saw his face looking at me, I reached to grab him and he was gone. Now by this time every body is out of their rooms and we are all gathered in the living room. I was sitting on the couch, and just as quick as the tornado came, it left. I was sitting on the couch hearing the calm AFTER the storm and I just started crying.

Mom looks over at me and laughing she asked me why was I crying now the storm is gone. I told her I wasn’t crying because of the storm, I’m crying because I saw Jesus. She laughed it off. But the thing is, once daylight broke the whole neighborhood was outside assessing their damages. Their was some minor damages. The houses accross the street had trees uprooted, some windows busted out, and a few other things, the houses behind us same just some minor damages. But tell me why the side of the street we lived on seemingly had no damage. No trees uprooted, no busted out windows, just small branches from trees in general. In my heart I know it was Jesus presence that put a hedge of protection around us.

So that is just one of many reasons I believe in God, and I believe God is always in control.

So that being said I am thankful things worked out like they did. And yes I am STILL going to post my links, with hopes of making a sale, or at least some type of an engagement. People asking me about what I can offer.

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

Thieves In The Night

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This is me on the left my brother in the middle and my little sister on the right.

Let me just say my brother who is a vet is the MOST annoying person in the world to me, but this guy would give the shirt off his back to help a stranger. He’s the guy heading southbound on the freeway, see someone on the other side broke down and will exit the freeway and get back on tge other direction to see if he can help.

I am so frustrated right now. We are a humble family trying to eak out a living.

Although it feels like most often we are spinning our wheels. But we have been able to keep a roof over our head, food on the table, you know the bare necessities. We don’t care to keep up with the newest trends, or the newest model vehicle, or even the newest smart phone. All we want to do is live and let live.

A few weeks ago sometime in the middle of the night some thieves came into out neighborhood and stole my brothers catalytic converter. Of course he calls the police to make a report. We know theres not much that can be done, but at least theres a report on paper. Now today 5/26/2021 he’s on his way out the door to go to work, and HIS TRUCK IS GONE! But it’s not JUST that the truck is gone, it’s also that all his tools was in that truck. He’s a mechanic by trade. The truck itself was an old service truck. So old no insurance company would insure it for full coverage. But the tools they are expensive as well. These tools was locked up in his compartments on the truck. That’s thousands of dollars in his tools alone, that he of course bought little by little.

I mean we are already struggling to servive this cold world, and then you got these flipping thieves that come in the middle of the night and just take things.

Crime has gone up astronomically. The police hands are tied. You have a group of people who want to defund the police. This same group of people are the ones who support criminals. When I feel like they’re really just mad because their criminal lifestyle has been caught up with.

I feel that crime is out of control BECAUSE of defund the police. These thieves now feel protected. Let me clarify one thing BECAUSE of a certain event that happened last summer is the reason crime is like it is now. I will say this, and I firmly believe that officer did not need to hold his knee on his neck. The “subject” was already in handcuffs. He was no longer a threat. But for that officer’s actions along with race baiters we have basically anarchy. The fact is today all you read about is gun violence, car jackings, and business being robbed. Not to mention when or if the police catch said criminal and arrest them, they get out on bond.

Ok I’m just so frustrated. My brother is a vet, he don’t deserve this kind of treatment. But now we need to focus on getting him a vehicle to be able to get to work AND be able to replace his tools.

So please if you can share this, so people can maybe purchase items and we can try to get him a vehicle. I will be working on other options to get donations anything is much appreciated.

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

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I Hurt When I Look at You: A Poem About Mother and Daughter

It hurts when I look at you

You chin raised so high

So full of self-virtue

You don’t hear my cry

Your eyes full of judgement

As you survey around

Your lips spill your disappointment

As my confidence you pound

Your words so critical

Delivered with a smile

Your opinion of me brutal

Your own child you revile

For years I have tried

To earn more than your love

Needing your friendship, respect and pride

And receiving none of the above

Locked together by blood

Our family ties tight

What should be ours sacred

Has been killed by the never-ending fight

So please believe me when I say

That our time has reached its end

I never meant for it to be this way

But my life I’m no longer willing to defend

I miss what we could have had

But it was only a dream

I like my life good or bad

And no longer look to gain your esteem

It hurts when you look at me

Wanting to be close

And knowing we never will be

Not mother and daughter… now only foes

Here’s another poem I came across. The writer touched on every aspect of having a narcissistic parent.

When you don’t understand, or don’t know what narcissism is, you will forever spin your wheels trying to appease a narcissistic person. It’s difficult for a child to even comprehend what is going on. Not to mention that it is so very damaging to a child growing up in that environment. That child will grow up confused. To say the least.

I have JUST recently delved into reading and researching about Narcissistic personality disorder. Let me just say it is rather complicated. Because first and foremost a narcissistic person would NEVER admit there might be a problem with them. No no no! It will ALWAYS be the other persons fault.

As far as reading up on this subject. I have learned a few tricks. I have responded differently towards this person. Which has helped with having fewer full blown arguments. Because bottom line is you will NEVER win an argument (debate) with a narcissistic person. That is their passion to argue. They love to argue so they can say mean hurtful things to belittle you, and discard you. ( for the time being) Then they shower you with love JUST enough for you to let your guard down. ALL the while filling away all your responses and trigger points back into their memory bank, ONLY to use it against you in the next attack.

Having that happen to you as a child really wreaks havoc on the mind. But that’s another topic.

In my reading and learning on narcissism, I have noticed that most of my reading ALWAYS says to leave that person. Cut all ties with said person. Don’t answer phone calls, texts, or email. Even if said person sends you a card or letter through tge mail simply write return to sender. DO NOT open. And yes that’s what you do if your leaving a narcissistic partner. But it’s not that easy if you have a narcissistic parent. That parent will get older and need your help. My conscious will not allow me to abandoned her. She drives my absolutely batty at times. But she is my mom and I love her.

I know this is part of my problem. I can fix what ever is wrong. I think that’s a part of being raised by a narcissistic parent. We are constantly seeking validation from that parent. We or at least I did, became obsessed with getting a genuine complement. Some sort of validation from her. That’s enough for today. Whew this was not an easy thing to do.

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

God We Need You Now.

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Struggle Jennings and Caitlynne Curtis

The world’s getting crazy, baby chill
Don’t medicate, just meditate
You waking up now, well babe you hella late
Educate, look at what’s going on and let it resonate
Accelerate, find your inner hunger like you never ate
Agenda is to push the hate, separate and segregate
Don’t celebrate quite yet, the storm is coming, cue for heaven’s sake
Violence that they demonstrate instigate and penetrate
The values of our country and our God is what they desecrate
My fighters ain’t no featherweight
Pulling out the seams of the fabric that they fabricate
They feed us lies, manipulate
Intimidate through fear and force, forcing us to sit and wait
Til we come together, congregate and then we liberate
Praying that you give me strength to find some love amongst the hate
Marching on theses streets of blood til I see the golden gates
Troubadour of troubled souls, one of God’s servants
Blades out, cut the grass til we see the serpents

One day I hope you see the truth
This puppet show stays on because of you fools
We’ve been dancing with the devil way too long
I know it’s fun but get ready to pay your dues
Oh God come back home
This crazy world is filled with liars and abusers
We need you now before we’re too far gone
I hope one day they finally see the truth
God we need you now

I know the truth is hard to swallow, just digest it
Suspected something’s going on but chose to just neglect it
Deflected by some breaking news, oh we just accept it
Expected just to fall in line and follow their perspective
Don’t question their objective but I gotta lot of questions
How these kids molested but nobody’s been arrested
Read it in the Testament these children are protected
So I’m fighting all these terrorist both foreign and domestic
Refuse to be directed, a Lion not a sheep
Only kneel to my God so I’m dying on my feet
Silence when we speak but there violence in the streets
I’ve been rolling with the punches, I can’t take it on the cheek
Drink from a glass half full, I’m optimistic
People are sadistic, so vicious and malicious
Praying for assistance to overcome opposition
Or I’m gonna start resisting and then I’ll pray for forgiveness

Oh one day I hope you see the truth
This puppet show stays on because of you fools
We’ve been dancing with the devil way too long
I know it’s fun but get ready to pay your dues
Oh God come back home
This crazy world is filled with liars and abusers
We need you now before we’re too far gone
I hope one day they finally see the truth
God we need you now
We need you now
We need you now
We need you now
We need you now
We need you now

One day, one day, one day
Oh one day I hope you see the truth
This puppet show stays on because of you fools
We’ve been dancing with the devil way too long
I know it’s fun but get ready to pay your dues
Oh God come back home
This crazy world is filled with liars and abusers
We need you now before we’re too far gone
I hope one day they finally see the truth
God we need you now

This song speak volumes. While I have to say I’m not crazy about Struggle Jennings delivery, I do love Caitlynne Curtis part.

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

Depression And Anxiety

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I’ve been suffering with depression and anxiety since I was a kid. At the time, I didn’t know what it was. It used to feel like screaming inside and hoping someone would hear it and help me. But no one can hear silent screams.

Depression is not something you can explain – it is most definitely not sadness. Sadness is about crying and feeling. But depression- it’s the absence of feeling, a hollowed feeling.

Silent Screams

Can’t you hear my silent screams?
They are so loud they echo in my dreams.

Behind this face that carries a smile
Lies a dark road that goes on mile after mile.

My silent screams have been going on for years,
But it always falls on so many deaf ears.

How can they hear these silent screams in my mind?
They can’t hear my thoughts if I keep telling them I’m fine.

What can I tell them? These silent screams carry no words.
It’s just feelings of sadness and darkness that come in its herds.

How can I explain so people understand this?
It’s like walking around in a suffocating black mist.

It’s holding on to happiness like holding water in your hands.
It just trickles between your fingers and disappears into the sands.

I can’t explain how this feels; it’s so extreme,
So I hold my mouth shut to cover my silent screams.

This is another poem I came across that I like. It seems to really hit home with me. When I was almost 4 yrs old my real dad lost his battle with cancer. Seeing him laying on the floor is the ONLY image I have of him.

My older brother has memories of him pushing us on a tire swing, and he has other memories. But that’s the only memory I have.

I remember the day he died there was a lot of people in the house. But the one thing I remember most about that day is. I was sitting on the couch, alone, with my face in my hands crying. Oddly I was worried about who was going to pay the bills. Why was THAT on my mind for one thing. But also why was I consoling myself ? Then the next thing I know we’re living in Texas, and my mom has remarried. It’s as if from the passing of my real dad to the remarriage of my mom it was a total blackout to me. The weird part about it is, it’s as if I woke up feeling unloved. I was 6yrs old then. How does a 6 year old come out of a “blackout” feeling unloved?

I was laying in my bed one night and couldn’t go to sleep. I remember my mom was in the shower so I stayed awake waiting for her to come out from the bathroom. She asked me from the doorway of my room why I wasn’t asleep yet. I told her I couldn’t sleep. Her remedy was for me to read a book. But why didn’t she give me affirmation that I am loved? As the years slowly passed, life continued, rather I wanted it to or not. These years are so chaotic. I feel like after my dads passing and my “blackout” I have done nothing but spin my wheels. I hated school, because we moved around so much, I never had a chance to make or have friends. But at the same time, I don’t think I tried to make friends because I didn’t want to bother people. I mean that’s what I THINK happened, because even today, I keep to myself. I am not one to initiate a conversation, but if spoken to I will respond.

As I look back on my personal history, I see a pattern of solitude. Yet I long to be loved. I laugh internally at myself because in truth, I wouldn’t know how to act if I was loved.

I realize NOW that in my younger years I was treading water. If anybody paid any kind of attention to me I jumped on it as if it was my life boat. I was so desperate for love that I was blinded to the small unseen holes in that life boat, and found myself draining the boat with a very small bucket.

I found myself in a 15 year unrequited love relationship. Yet I was determined to make it work. It ended up breaking me. Now at my age I have given up. I have the words (Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be) I now simply go through the motions of life. Kind of a sad existence. There are things that make me feel happy from time to time. I love my son with every ounce of my being. He don’t know it but he’s the reason I keep going. He has always been my rock. I stayed strong for him. When he was young I put on mom mode and acted as if I loved life, I acted JUST as excited as he did when he learned something new. We used to go bug hunting. He never knew, in my solitude I was dead. Hindsight I could have been an actor. When he comes to visit I still put the brave happy front. But I digress. AND I need to start being unproductive.

Actually the house we are living in, the owner has decided to sell it. So I need to get it dressed up for photos. Which has my anxiety up because if he sells it. We may have to move. The owner said he hopes to sell it to another invester. But that don’t mean he wont want us to move. So he can flip the house and sell it again. Funny thing is….when I started this ecommerce thing, I hoped it would grow into something sustainable to eak out a living. But Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be

But just incase. Here are links

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

When I Die

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I stumbled across this poem, a few years ago and needless to say I like it. I like poetry, but I am no poet. I just wanted to share this poem.

I try to talk to my son because I know he will be the one making arrangements for my services. He never wants to talk about it. He says he can’t think about my death. I know it’s not an easy subject for most people. But it is a reality that we are all going to die. I just feel that if we make plans a head if time it will be easier for the person who is doing the arrangement to know what to do. Because one thing I know is, these funeral homes will certainly play on the loved ones emotions. I plan to be cremated. Theres no need for a grave site, and the whole head stone and all of that. I always tell him my play list for my services. There wont be the typical funeral music in the background of my funeral. The only thing I’ll leave for him to do is write my eulogy. That is something that has to come from a persons own experience of how I made them feel. My one hope is that no matter what, but when people I have came across in my lifetime I always try to make fond memories or at least a pleasant experience. Most often times people wont remember you for what you say, but for how you made them feel.

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there.

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

Life And Death

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I have so many thoughts that run through my mind while idle. My dad used to say idle hands is the devils workshop. I always understood it to mean stay busy. Find something to do and basically if you find yourself having bad or negative thoughts get busy, clean a room or rearrange the furniture just do not entertain those thoughts because that’s the devil.

There’s one thing I want to make clear here. I believe in God PERIOD. Not because I was raised to believe in him, but because of many factors in my life tells me he is real.  I am ok if you don’t believe in God that’s your choice. I will not try to force my beliefs on you and I ask that you don’t force your disbelief on me.  I will pay someday you see God’s glory.

Just because I say I believe in God, that  does not by any means, mean I don’t have my struggles. I question so many things. The answers are there, but in all honesty  I am either too lazy or scared to find the answers. Those reasons still do not negate my belief in God. We all have the questions of…..if God is all knowing then why…….

  • Why is there cancer?
  • Why is there famine?
  • Why are children suffering?
  • Why does YOUR God allow suffering?
  • Why don’t God end all wars?
  • Why didn’t God stop the car crash?
  • Why doesn’t God kill the devil?
  • Why does God allow people to have pain? {emotional and physical}
  • Why does God NOT answer your prayers?

 

This is just some of the questions I can think of that I get from the people who don’t believe in God. I am no bible scholar, or no historian researcher. I am nothing more than your average Jane Doe trying to live life. There are a few things I reflect on with some of my learning’s from the bible. It’s my understanding that Jesus is the son of God and he was sent here to be the ultimate sacrifice for our sins. {there’s so much more to it than JUST that} but Jesus said that the Apostle Peter would disown him 3 times before the rooster crows. There are many reasons that he disowned Jesus. From my young and naive understanding it was because Jesus was such a good man, He could heal the sick, bring the dead back to life with the explanation that he was only sleeping. So {in my understanding} Jesus did not deserve to die and certainly not in the manner that he was killed. I questioned why would a loving Father do such a thing to his child? But as usual I digress this is not what I wanted to write about.

I was wanting to express thoughts, sometimes when you don’t have a person to talk to about thoughts I find it better to write them. There are times when I try to articulate my thoughts they don’t make sense when I speak them.

So this life and death thing that I want to elaborate on.  No I’m not going on the   “philosophical” What is the meaning of life? or What is the/my purpose in life? Those questions are played out. {in my opinion} my thing is what happens when you’re still alive, but life in you is not? What if you’re in like a {purgatory} in life, and until you figure out why you, will stay there?  Not sure if purgatory is the exact word I should use, but it’s the word that comes to mind. I feel like I have lived this life and I know what it has to offer.  I feel like I have tread water to keep my head above the water but have gained no real ground to stand on.

I take responsibility for my bad decisions. But it feels like ironically when I try to make amends for my poor decisions the universe is against me and laughing at me {not in a literal sense} I’ve spoke on my decision to drop out of high school, I’ve also said I’m not proud of my decision,and how much I regret it. Hind sight is always 20/20.

Side note if there are any young folks reading this { even if it is for a good laugh} my advice to you is do not quit school.

But I still stand on the idea that once the basics are learned, lets start focusing on the future as far as skills, and start preparing the students for actual trade school, or even college. We know not EVERY  person can be the CEO of a corporation. I know back when I went to school there was different classes as far as for the students. Not different as far as Math, reading. science and so on I’m talking different as far as intelligence of the students. Of course I didn’t know this until halfway through high school, and I still don’t know how the teachers differentiated the students as far as putting t hem into what class, but I know of a few friends that had some sort of a prep classes for college. NOT A one of my teachers EVER spoke to the students as a whole about preparing for college.

What are the determining factors for a student to get into college prep classes? Why was  not all students given the same opportunity?  again I digress.

I don’t know what to do, or where to go. I have raised my son, in essence he no longer needs me. I know how that sounds, but that is the intent when you raise your children. You raise them to no longer need you. It’s not a bad thing. We will not live for forever { right now it seems like it} Part of parenting is teaching  your child to be self sufficient.

As I said, what if the life inside you is no longer, but according to science you’re not dead? IS there an in between living and death? What is that called? Not the UNdead, or the living dead. is there a name for that stage of existence? Is this an example of what happens when you die? I have never had a fear of death. But I have always been curious about it.

For example when we finally leave this earth, do we really see our loved ones that have passed on before us? Will they know us? What about the ones who passed before we was born? I know I’m not the only one who thinks about these things.  Well maybe in my family I might be but I know I’m not the only one in the world that thinks about these things. There was a phrase in a movie I watched years ago and that phrase has stayed etched in my mind every since then. the quote is…..

I will have a wish for death long before death finds me

I have wished for death a very long time. I am not suicidal lets get that clear right now. Thou shall not kill. even if it’s suicide it is still a killing. I know there at least 3 unforgivable sins.

  • Blasphemy against the Holy Spirit
  • Apostasy a willful defection from the faith
  • receiving the mark of the beast

Now y’all please don’t think I’m some holy roller yelling at everybody to get saved, or calling out their sins. Because you can trust I have plenty of my own sins to atone for. Straight is the gate,  and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.

I know the bible talks about hell, there for I know there must be such a place.  My dad used to say I know I’m going to heaven because I’ve lived in hell on earth

There was one thing my dad used to say that I didn’t understand for a long time, but now I get it crystal clear. He used to say you’re supposed to rejoice at passing and weep at birth. Now I understand it very well. The tears for a birth is the beginning life and all the ups and downs. But to rejoice is ones passing is they no longer have to worry. They no longer have to deal with this thing called life. The irony of this is when ever there is a death I still cry. I jokingly say they are the lucky ones. But then as I write this maybe that’s why I cry, because I am still here dealing with life, and that’s when I think it’s Gods way of punishing me. Because I know God will provide you what you need not what you want.

well there’s that thought out in the open. Now maybe I can be productive for the rest of the day. now that I got that off my chest.

Continue reading “Life And Death”

No Longer Able To Play The Optimist.

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There’s a monster inside of me, eating away at my smile,
He takes all my sadness and makes a file.

These files are all stacked up in my brain.
Now my whole life just consists of pain.

It’s such a problem that I can’t sleep.
Nothing works…not even counting sheep.

When I’m in public I hide my tears.
It’s been this way for several years.

I hide my sadness behind a fake smile,
But the pain won’t go away…not for a while.

The hardest part is hiding when I cry.
It makes me feel like I’m going to die.

I feel like I’m slowly going insane,
But I am not the one to blame…

Blame the monster.
He goes by the name…Depression.

I’m just waiting for the monster to go to sleep now.

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

My Personal Struggle With Obesity Day???

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Don’t believe my words;
they’re lies that I fabricate to
project a perfect life and
convince you I’m okay. Don’t trust the smile you see;
it’s a facade to conceal
searing pain, acute shame,
sheer heartache.

Don’t get fooled by my laughter;
it is merely an echo
of hollow insides, yearning
for senses to return.

Don’t get convinced by my clarity and order;
borne in attempt to
control the chaos
and pacify the storm brewing inside.

Don’t be blinded by
The perfection I exude,
The courage I fake,
The innocence I feign,
The confidence I wear-
For I am broken.

So apparently I am not always consistent. but then again I knew that and now my few readers are going to know that about me.

Motivation:

noun
  1. the reason or reasons one has for acting or behaving in a particular way.

Continue reading “My Personal Struggle With Obesity Day???”