Narcissistic Parent, or Partner, relationship.

Advertisements

I have already been fighting rather or not to post this. The title alone gives me anxiety. Because of the thought of being seen. I will push myself to do this blog.

To start with, you absolutely cannot have a mature open “safe” conversation with a narcissist. They hear EVERY word you say, but they never really listen to what you’re trying to convey. Let me give an example. Very early in our merging to all live together, my brother (one of the golden children) had a pretty heavy drinking problem. But before I go on, let me give kudos to him because he has settled down from the drinking and that deserves to be recognized. BUT we was living in apartments; those, like most apartments have rules about loud music and so on. Well I for one don’t like problems. But my brother when he’s drinking, like many others throw caution to the wind. So at one point when my brother slept off the nights liquor I asked him to please stop with the loud music because we will get evicted. His response was he could go live in his truck. So I asked what about mom, aaaaand she just had to interject, by saying ” I’m sorry I’m such a burden to you”

Of course that’s not at all what I was saying, but now the conversation has turned to being about mom, rather than the issue of my brothers drinking. (Gaslighting) Because NO ONE says ANYTHING to her golden child. So she redirects the conversation. And makes it about her.

There are a lot of moving parts when dealing with a narcissist person, but it gets pretty confusing with a parent who has narcissistic tendencies. Because with many of the articles I have came across the narcissistic person would never admit that THEY might be the problem.

There are times when I feel like I have to give in depth detail explaining something, because ( hindsight) I was purposely missunderstood. I realize that I tend to do that in my blogs. I get told that I don’t make any sense. I have been told I’m too sensitive. As long as I can be the butt of the “jokes” it’s all gravy.

There are several types of narcissistic people. So first of all some of the common traits of a narcissistic personality, is a person feels more important than others. They have an unreasonable sense of entitlement.

Overt Narcissist. An overt narcissist is proud of their ability to manipulate and control others.

Covert Narcissist. Covert narcissist are not as open or direct about their means of manipulation. They tend to use methods like, passive-aggressive, or guilt-tripping, or emotional manipulation. For example, a cocert narcissist may manipulate, by putting them down, and deprive them of their emotional needs.

Classic Narcissist. A classic narcissist thrive off of praise and administration of others. They crave being and value being the center of attention.

Vulnerable narcissist. Vulnerable narcissist seek attention by seeking pity from others. They will often guilt-trip the people in their lives to bend to what they want. Their ability to manipulate the thoughts, feelings and actions of others is an ego trip for them. Their behavior tends to be subtle, so it can be difficult to spot the signs. Vulnerable narcissists are considered to be covert narcissist. Their symptoms lie in their subtle manipulative behavior. Their sense of self-worth relies heavily on the attention they get from others. These are just a few of the many types of narcissistic people.

I of course am still learning about narcissism, and the many different types. Still learning and healing from a combination of these types of behavior.

To be honest, once you realize it was never YOU, and you now know what kind of a person you’re dealing with; you seriously need to take a step back, be objective, and decide your self worth, and make a decision rather or not YOU are ok with the way things are happening in that relationship. Because it’s easier to heal from narcissistic abuse IF your not exposed to it constantly. And yes it’s easier to do when it’s a romantic involvement than it is with a parental involvement. Believe you me, I ended up in a 15 year relationship with a narcissistic person. It took me a long time JUST to get the courage to leave, let alone cut all contact.

So I have said enough for now about toxic relationships. You all have a nice day.

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

Conversations

Advertisements

Ok until I find what will keep people coming back, let me see if I can start a conversation. I have stated many times I am new to blogging, and I’m stepping out of my comfort zone. I am used to having a job. I’m used to having a stable income. However as it stands I am currently unemployed. But I’ve heard it said many times “find something that you love doing and it won’t seem like you’re working.” I love crafting. I also love baking. I have looked into some laws and regulations on Texas cottage laws. I have posted some of my crafting as well.

But what I would like to ask is…. What are some baked goods my Texas people would be interested in? Long as it’s not temperature sensitive. I say Texas, because cottage laws only allows home baked items to be shipped within the same state. So please interact with this post. As well as let me know what type of gift item you might be interested in.

Short and sweet blog

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

Thanksgiving

Advertisements

I know summer has just started. We still have a few holidays before Thanksgiving. But the thing is… It seems Thanksgiving gets passed over.

Right now in the month of June we have Juneteenth, and Father’s Day. Then July 4th. However, I am already seeing hints of Halloween being advertised. I never paid much attention to it, but one year for Thanksgiving I wanted to decorate my place with Thanksgiving decorations. Not just fall decor. I wanted it specifically being about the actual holiday. But was unable to find such décor

As a kid growing up we didn’t celebrate holidays like Christmas, Easter, or Halloween. But Thanksgiving was celebrated because it was about being thankful. I understand theres a different meaning to others. But today in modern day, I will stand with Thanksgiving is a time to be thankful. A time for families to come together, eat and enjoy each others company.

As I stated Thanksgiving seems to get bypassed. Watch your stores, AS SOON AS Labor day passes you will see Halloween decorations, and as it gets closer to Halloween you will start seeing Christmas decorations. There might be an endcap of “fall” decorations. But stores dedicate whole isles to Halloween and Christmas.

What I’m trying to say here is, let the people who love Thanksgiving have the same courtesy. Now don’t get me wrong. I do enjoy seeing all the beautiful Christmas decorations. I remember as a kid we used to go into neighborhoods and see the beautiful lights and decorations on people’s houses. In fact when my son was young there was a neighborhood behind the elementary school he went to, it looked as if they all got together and decorated the whole street. It was beautiful.

So lets celebrate each holiday in the timeframe they are. In my opinion October is the month dedicated to Halloween, December is the month dedicated to Christmas, then let November be the month dedicated to Thanksgiving.

So that’s my two cents worth of thought for today. Much love and peace to everyone. And please take a look at the links or please share links. Thanks

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

Mental Awareness

Advertisements

Mental health’ and ‘mental illness’ are increasingly being used as if they mean the same thing, but they do not. Everyone has mental health, just like everyone has health.

There is no health without mental health.” In the course of a lifetime, not all people will experience a mental illness, but everyone will struggle or have a challenge with their mental well-being (i.e., their mental health) just like we all have challenges with our physical well-being from time to time.

When we talk about mental health, we’re talking about our mental well-being: our emotions, our thoughts and feelings, our ability to solve problems and overcome difficulties, our social connections, and our understanding of the world around us.

A mental illness is an illness the affects that way people think, feel, behave, or interact with others. There are many different mental illnesses, and they have different symptoms that impact peoples’ lives in different ways.

The brain is a fascinating organ. There is so much STILL to be learned about the brain. The brain controls all functions of the body, interprets information from the outside world, and embodies the essence of the mind and soul.

A curiosity I have is…. Do we control our brain, or does our brain control us?

The brain is an organ but the mind isn’t. The brain is the physical place where the mind resides. The mind is the manifestations of thought, perception, emotion, determination, memory and imagination that takes place within the brain. Mind is often used to refer especially to the thought processes of reason.

With all that being thought out. How do we know with certain types of mental illnesses, that medication is what’s needed? I don’t hold a lot of trust in doctors in general. The health care system seems to be more of a business rather than to actually help. On a personal note, I had a friend who had an outgoing personality, she was beautiful, inside and out. She was a joy to be around. Then at one point she moved, we lost contact and then years later she’s back. But now she’s different. Physically she had put on a substantial amount of weight. Her personality had changed. She was not as energetic as she once was. She told me she fell in love and it didn’t work out, then fell into depression. And now she’s on medication. (When I met her she already had a daughter and now she a young adult) at the time I was working at Krogers. So she asked me if I could pick up her medication for her. I did and I remember it was on a Saturday and her daughter came to my house to retrieve it. Then the next thing I know Sunday morning her daughter came knocking on my door to tell me her mom passed away. I was in shock. We sat and talked I naturally asked her what happened? She said she didn’t know, she went out with her boyfriend and when she came home her mom was “unresponsive” She said the only thing she can think is she kept taking her pills and overdosed. Now this has been years ago maybe 25 years if I had to put a time stamp on it. But it makes me question the fact of all the side effects of that medication, DID it help her depression? Or did it make it worse? I don’t know what medication she was on, but I do know it was for depression.

Which brings me back to the brain and it’s complexity. The way the brain process’s information. The way the mind and brain are two different entities in the same. The brain recieves the information, but the mind decides what to do, or how to feel.

So that’s my thought for todays blog. Remember to please take a look at my little shop. Ask questions if interested in something. Thank you for your time.

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

God Is Always In Control.

Advertisements

I have mentioned in other posts that I believe in God. I still stand with that belief.

I’m going to start at the beginning. First week in May late Wednesday night some thieves stole my brothers catalytic converter. My brother called the police to make a report. Turns out a few other people on our street had the same thing happen to them. Fast forward to Tuesday 5/25 some time during the night they took his truck. Now that truck is an old 2000 service truck. He was on his way out the door taking out the trash as he usually does on trash day and his truck his gone. I told my brother chances are, your truck is on the Southside stripped for parts, and your tools will be in several different pawn shops. All over Houston.

When something like that happens you feel violated, and helpless. You feel anger. So many thoughts and emotions run through your mind.

My brothers job is a good hour to an hour and a half drive. Mom has a vehicle my dad left for her when he passed. I use that for her doctors appointments and run errands for her. So the idea of taking my brother to work is not so simple. Just for the drive alone. Moms vehicle already has over 200,000 miles on it.

But that same day the police did find his truck in a ditch on the Southside. The police had it towed to a lot on Hardy and Crosstimbers which is about 20 to 30 minites from where we live.

Now my brother had to pay to get it out, which that sucks, because it was stolen. He didn’t abandon the vehicle. He wasn’t doing something to get arrested to have it towed. But he has to pay. But as unfair as it feels, the blessing here is, the truck was found, it was NOT stripped, his tools was still tucked away in the compartments of the truck. They did however take his front license plate. In essence this turned out to be a big inconvenience. Yet I still feel grateful that he recovered his truck and his tools.

Yes I prayed about it. I talked to God. And he does hear us. God works in mysterious ways. God does speak to us, he just speaks softly. That’s why, when you pray, you should be in a quiet place. I’m not talking about those quick little prayers when your gas tank is almost on E and you just need to make one more day to get to work, or that quick prayer for your favorite team to win.

I have to say there was a time when I believe with my quick prayer, we was saved by the grace of God. Not to mention my dad was a man of strong faith. This was years ago. I was 12 or 13 years old. Just for the record…I live in Texas, Texas is known for having tornadoes just pop up from nothing. At that time I shared my room and my bed with my granny. So in the dead of night came a tornado. Power was knocked out. I also should mention that I have a phenomenal strong fear of the dark. When I can’t see, I start to feel a numbness come over me. But I fight THAT feeling to be able to flee the dark some how. So in dead of night the tornado rips through our neighborhood. The lights go out, I jump up out of bed and make a beline around my bed to open my bedroom door. BUT here’s the thing it’s still dark and I still can’t see, but when I got my bedroom door open I seen the image of Jesus. I saw his face looking at me, I reached to grab him and he was gone. Now by this time every body is out of their rooms and we are all gathered in the living room. I was sitting on the couch, and just as quick as the tornado came, it left. I was sitting on the couch hearing the calm AFTER the storm and I just started crying.

Mom looks over at me and laughing she asked me why was I crying now the storm is gone. I told her I wasn’t crying because of the storm, I’m crying because I saw Jesus. She laughed it off. But the thing is, once daylight broke the whole neighborhood was outside assessing their damages. Their was some minor damages. The houses accross the street had trees uprooted, some windows busted out, and a few other things, the houses behind us same just some minor damages. But tell me why the side of the street we lived on seemingly had no damage. No trees uprooted, no busted out windows, just small branches from trees in general. In my heart I know it was Jesus presence that put a hedge of protection around us.

So that is just one of many reasons I believe in God, and I believe God is always in control.

So that being said I am thankful things worked out like they did. And yes I am STILL going to post my links, with hopes of making a sale, or at least some type of an engagement. People asking me about what I can offer.

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

Advertisements

I Hurt When I Look at You: A Poem About Mother and Daughter

It hurts when I look at you

You chin raised so high

So full of self-virtue

You don’t hear my cry

Your eyes full of judgement

As you survey around

Your lips spill your disappointment

As my confidence you pound

Your words so critical

Delivered with a smile

Your opinion of me brutal

Your own child you revile

For years I have tried

To earn more than your love

Needing your friendship, respect and pride

And receiving none of the above

Locked together by blood

Our family ties tight

What should be ours sacred

Has been killed by the never-ending fight

So please believe me when I say

That our time has reached its end

I never meant for it to be this way

But my life I’m no longer willing to defend

I miss what we could have had

But it was only a dream

I like my life good or bad

And no longer look to gain your esteem

It hurts when you look at me

Wanting to be close

And knowing we never will be

Not mother and daughter… now only foes

Here’s another poem I came across. The writer touched on every aspect of having a narcissistic parent.

When you don’t understand, or don’t know what narcissism is, you will forever spin your wheels trying to appease a narcissistic person. It’s difficult for a child to even comprehend what is going on. Not to mention that it is so very damaging to a child growing up in that environment. That child will grow up confused. To say the least.

I have JUST recently delved into reading and researching about Narcissistic personality disorder. Let me just say it is rather complicated. Because first and foremost a narcissistic person would NEVER admit there might be a problem with them. No no no! It will ALWAYS be the other persons fault.

As far as reading up on this subject. I have learned a few tricks. I have responded differently towards this person. Which has helped with having fewer full blown arguments. Because bottom line is you will NEVER win an argument (debate) with a narcissistic person. That is their passion to argue. They love to argue so they can say mean hurtful things to belittle you, and discard you. ( for the time being) Then they shower you with love JUST enough for you to let your guard down. ALL the while filling away all your responses and trigger points back into their memory bank, ONLY to use it against you in the next attack.

Having that happen to you as a child really wreaks havoc on the mind. But that’s another topic.

In my reading and learning on narcissism, I have noticed that most of my reading ALWAYS says to leave that person. Cut all ties with said person. Don’t answer phone calls, texts, or email. Even if said person sends you a card or letter through tge mail simply write return to sender. DO NOT open. And yes that’s what you do if your leaving a narcissistic partner. But it’s not that easy if you have a narcissistic parent. That parent will get older and need your help. My conscious will not allow me to abandoned her. She drives my absolutely batty at times. But she is my mom and I love her.

I know this is part of my problem. I can fix what ever is wrong. I think that’s a part of being raised by a narcissistic parent. We are constantly seeking validation from that parent. We or at least I did, became obsessed with getting a genuine complement. Some sort of validation from her. That’s enough for today. Whew this was not an easy thing to do.

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

God We Need You Now.

Advertisements

Struggle Jennings and Caitlynne Curtis

The world’s getting crazy, baby chill
Don’t medicate, just meditate
You waking up now, well babe you hella late
Educate, look at what’s going on and let it resonate
Accelerate, find your inner hunger like you never ate
Agenda is to push the hate, separate and segregate
Don’t celebrate quite yet, the storm is coming, cue for heaven’s sake
Violence that they demonstrate instigate and penetrate
The values of our country and our God is what they desecrate
My fighters ain’t no featherweight
Pulling out the seams of the fabric that they fabricate
They feed us lies, manipulate
Intimidate through fear and force, forcing us to sit and wait
Til we come together, congregate and then we liberate
Praying that you give me strength to find some love amongst the hate
Marching on theses streets of blood til I see the golden gates
Troubadour of troubled souls, one of God’s servants
Blades out, cut the grass til we see the serpents

One day I hope you see the truth
This puppet show stays on because of you fools
We’ve been dancing with the devil way too long
I know it’s fun but get ready to pay your dues
Oh God come back home
This crazy world is filled with liars and abusers
We need you now before we’re too far gone
I hope one day they finally see the truth
God we need you now

I know the truth is hard to swallow, just digest it
Suspected something’s going on but chose to just neglect it
Deflected by some breaking news, oh we just accept it
Expected just to fall in line and follow their perspective
Don’t question their objective but I gotta lot of questions
How these kids molested but nobody’s been arrested
Read it in the Testament these children are protected
So I’m fighting all these terrorist both foreign and domestic
Refuse to be directed, a Lion not a sheep
Only kneel to my God so I’m dying on my feet
Silence when we speak but there violence in the streets
I’ve been rolling with the punches, I can’t take it on the cheek
Drink from a glass half full, I’m optimistic
People are sadistic, so vicious and malicious
Praying for assistance to overcome opposition
Or I’m gonna start resisting and then I’ll pray for forgiveness

Oh one day I hope you see the truth
This puppet show stays on because of you fools
We’ve been dancing with the devil way too long
I know it’s fun but get ready to pay your dues
Oh God come back home
This crazy world is filled with liars and abusers
We need you now before we’re too far gone
I hope one day they finally see the truth
God we need you now
We need you now
We need you now
We need you now
We need you now
We need you now

One day, one day, one day
Oh one day I hope you see the truth
This puppet show stays on because of you fools
We’ve been dancing with the devil way too long
I know it’s fun but get ready to pay your dues
Oh God come back home
This crazy world is filled with liars and abusers
We need you now before we’re too far gone
I hope one day they finally see the truth
God we need you now

This song speak volumes. While I have to say I’m not crazy about Struggle Jennings delivery, I do love Caitlynne Curtis part.

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

Depression And Anxiety

Advertisements

I’ve been suffering with depression and anxiety since I was a kid. At the time, I didn’t know what it was. It used to feel like screaming inside and hoping someone would hear it and help me. But no one can hear silent screams.

Depression is not something you can explain – it is most definitely not sadness. Sadness is about crying and feeling. But depression- it’s the absence of feeling, a hollowed feeling.

Silent Screams

Can’t you hear my silent screams?
They are so loud they echo in my dreams.

Behind this face that carries a smile
Lies a dark road that goes on mile after mile.

My silent screams have been going on for years,
But it always falls on so many deaf ears.

How can they hear these silent screams in my mind?
They can’t hear my thoughts if I keep telling them I’m fine.

What can I tell them? These silent screams carry no words.
It’s just feelings of sadness and darkness that come in its herds.

How can I explain so people understand this?
It’s like walking around in a suffocating black mist.

It’s holding on to happiness like holding water in your hands.
It just trickles between your fingers and disappears into the sands.

I can’t explain how this feels; it’s so extreme,
So I hold my mouth shut to cover my silent screams.

This is another poem I came across that I like. It seems to really hit home with me. When I was almost 4 yrs old my real dad lost his battle with cancer. Seeing him laying on the floor is the ONLY image I have of him.

My older brother has memories of him pushing us on a tire swing, and he has other memories. But that’s the only memory I have.

I remember the day he died there was a lot of people in the house. But the one thing I remember most about that day is. I was sitting on the couch, alone, with my face in my hands crying. Oddly I was worried about who was going to pay the bills. Why was THAT on my mind for one thing. But also why was I consoling myself ? Then the next thing I know we’re living in Texas, and my mom has remarried. It’s as if from the passing of my real dad to the remarriage of my mom it was a total blackout to me. The weird part about it is, it’s as if I woke up feeling unloved. I was 6yrs old then. How does a 6 year old come out of a “blackout” feeling unloved?

I was laying in my bed one night and couldn’t go to sleep. I remember my mom was in the shower so I stayed awake waiting for her to come out from the bathroom. She asked me from the doorway of my room why I wasn’t asleep yet. I told her I couldn’t sleep. Her remedy was for me to read a book. But why didn’t she give me affirmation that I am loved? As the years slowly passed, life continued, rather I wanted it to or not. These years are so chaotic. I feel like after my dads passing and my “blackout” I have done nothing but spin my wheels. I hated school, because we moved around so much, I never had a chance to make or have friends. But at the same time, I don’t think I tried to make friends because I didn’t want to bother people. I mean that’s what I THINK happened, because even today, I keep to myself. I am not one to initiate a conversation, but if spoken to I will respond.

As I look back on my personal history, I see a pattern of solitude. Yet I long to be loved. I laugh internally at myself because in truth, I wouldn’t know how to act if I was loved.

I realize NOW that in my younger years I was treading water. If anybody paid any kind of attention to me I jumped on it as if it was my life boat. I was so desperate for love that I was blinded to the small unseen holes in that life boat, and found myself draining the boat with a very small bucket.

I found myself in a 15 year unrequited love relationship. Yet I was determined to make it work. It ended up breaking me. Now at my age I have given up. I have the words (Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be) I now simply go through the motions of life. Kind of a sad existence. There are things that make me feel happy from time to time. I love my son with every ounce of my being. He don’t know it but he’s the reason I keep going. He has always been my rock. I stayed strong for him. When he was young I put on mom mode and acted as if I loved life, I acted JUST as excited as he did when he learned something new. We used to go bug hunting. He never knew, in my solitude I was dead. Hindsight I could have been an actor. When he comes to visit I still put the brave happy front. But I digress. AND I need to start being unproductive.

Actually the house we are living in, the owner has decided to sell it. So I need to get it dressed up for photos. Which has my anxiety up because if he sells it. We may have to move. The owner said he hopes to sell it to another invester. But that don’t mean he wont want us to move. So he can flip the house and sell it again. Funny thing is….when I started this ecommerce thing, I hoped it would grow into something sustainable to eak out a living. But Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be

But just incase. Here are links

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30