When I Die

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I stumbled across this poem, a few years ago and needless to say I like it. I like poetry, but I am no poet. I just wanted to share this poem.

I try to talk to my son because I know he will be the one making arrangements for my services. He never wants to talk about it. He says he can’t think about my death. I know it’s not an easy subject for most people. But it is a reality that we are all going to die. I just feel that if we make plans a head if time it will be easier for the person who is doing the arrangement to know what to do. Because one thing I know is, these funeral homes will certainly play on the loved ones emotions. I plan to be cremated. Theres no need for a grave site, and the whole head stone and all of that. I always tell him my play list for my services. There wont be the typical funeral music in the background of my funeral. The only thing I’ll leave for him to do is write my eulogy. That is something that has to come from a persons own experience of how I made them feel. My one hope is that no matter what, but when people I have came across in my lifetime I always try to make fond memories or at least a pleasant experience. Most often times people wont remember you for what you say, but for how you made them feel.

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there.

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No Longer Able To Play The Optimist.

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There’s a monster inside of me, eating away at my smile,
He takes all my sadness and makes a file.

These files are all stacked up in my brain.
Now my whole life just consists of pain.

It’s such a problem that I can’t sleep.
Nothing works…not even counting sheep.

When I’m in public I hide my tears.
It’s been this way for several years.

I hide my sadness behind a fake smile,
But the pain won’t go away…not for a while.

The hardest part is hiding when I cry.
It makes me feel like I’m going to die.

I feel like I’m slowly going insane,
But I am not the one to blame…

Blame the monster.
He goes by the name…Depression.

I’m just waiting for the monster to go to sleep now.

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My Personal Struggle With Obesity Day 5 & 6

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It’s just a day shy of being a week on this journey. Motivation is certainly an elusive little thing.

So weekends are different so to say. However, I ironically and unplanned only had one meal one each day of the weekend. Ok so during the week my son is at his place, but usually on Fridays he comes to my place to sleep and go to work from my place. That’s so that on Friday he can bring his clothes and lunch bowls for me to wash. Because on Sundays I cook his lunch for the week. I usually cook him a pot of brown rice with peas and carrots, a pot of pinto beans, and a chicken medley that has sweet potatoes, zucchini, yellow squash bell pepper and broccoli and those are his items he takes during the week for his lunch.

So in a previous post he wanted me to make pulled beef. (It’s usually called pulled pork) but we don’t eat pork so we use beef instead. Now I searched 3 different stores Friday for this piece of beef to no avail. Explained to my son about not being able to find it. He said well try tomorrow (Saturday) and if not no worries. Long story short I found it Saturday. So we had shredded beef on a baked potatoe with bbq sauce it was delicious. And yes that was the only meal I ate that day.

So now we are on Sunday. I wake up early because I needed to go to the store and get a few items to make my son’s meal prep for the week. Now one thing I should make clear here is this… My son works mid shift his hours are 1p.m to 9:30 p.m so when he comes over on weekends we’re usually awake until 2 a.m talking catching up on current events. So those to nights are late nights for me. But ironically I still wake up relatively early. But Sunday I woke up at 5 a.m to have my coffee and get to the store early enough to get back and prep the lunch before he was going to leave. BUT I didn’t know I was out of a seasoning. Sooooo here I go BACK to the store ggggrrrr. So I got everything done. Kiddo wakes up we have coffee together. You know it’s the little things I cherish with my son. Like having coffee out on the front porch. Late night conversations when he comes over on Fridays. And as I think about these current conversations I’m reminded that this is something we have ALWAYS done. When he was younger, we used to have late night conversations well it was his bedtime, but we would talk about random things. Like for example we would talk about Power Rangers. The different ones and what their special powers are. Or we would talk about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and of course Pokemon would fall into the mix from time to time. Now I honestly knew very little about said subjects because I was a working mom. But I would engage with him in these conversations. Of course as he grew older our conversations would change according to his age and interests.

I remember once when his dad and I was together he told me he was jealous of our relationship ( me and our son) I asked him why, and he said because you two are close and I wish I had that with him.

Side note his dad had a drinking problem. There would be times he would go a long time and not touch a drop of beer or alcohol. Then the next thing you know he’s binge drinking. He would drink 3 to 4 (18 packs) of beer a day and chase it with tequila. We (my son and I) HATED those times. Because he wouldn’t sleep for however many days he was drinking. Of course when he “confessed” his jealousy he was already in drink mode. But I told him that IF you would stop ONLY thinking of YOU, there’s a great chance you could STILL build a trusting relationship with your son. But this man only thought about himself. When ge had free time, you could find him chasing skirts instead of chasing a relationship with his son. But I digress.

So Sunday night I went to sleep about 2 a.m and got up at 5 a.m. I know I need coffee before I can even think about functioning. And it has to be 2 cups. The first cup is just to have the wonderful taste of that bold rich smooth taste of coffee. The second one is the wake up cup. THEN I’m ready to somewhat function. Long morning short my son left about 12:30 to take his stuff home and spend some time with his girlfriend. So after he left I took a nap. Mind you I hadn’t ate except for some rice chips. I planned to sleep only an hour. But I ended up sleeping for 4 hours. Which made for a long night last night.

My goodness I have rambled on so long here. I think my train if thought has jumped the track hate when that happens. I know this is supposed to be about my struggle with obesity.

So let me just say my plan for today. I’ve had my 2 cups of coffee. I will not be walking today as it looks like rain . But I do have a plan to workout. Also I will be making myself a menu for a 1200 calorie diet. I know I should reduce the amount of calories in order to lose weight, and since I’m not as active as I used to be I’m not burning calories as much. So theres that. Tomorrow I will lay out my menu plan. You’re more than welcome to use that as guide if anyone who reads this is looking for menu ideas. So theres my ramble for today. See y’all tomorrow stay safe and of course here’s my links.

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My Personal Struggle With Obesity Day 3

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So I managed to get out of the house and walk. I only walked a half mile, but I will do more tomorrow because I’ll have my head phones and will have music.

I had a Nature Vally bar for breakfast, I drank 3 bottles of water throughout the day. Which is good for me as I don’t usually drink water.

I had rice cake chips for lunch. And my steak and salad. But today I’m going to change it up a bit. I’m goig to have grilled or baked chicken with sweet tater fries (air fried) and a salad.

To be honest, my weight loss battles could be more aptly described as half-hearted tussles. Occasionally, I have managed to lose some weight, only to find it has snuck up on me again while I wasn’t looking! But I also haven’t lost my sense of humour, which is a good thing.

That’s day 3 in a nutshell I’ll begin my day now. Yall bbe safe

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My Personal Struggle With Obesity Day 2

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So yesterday was a trying day. I did not workout, but I managed to fast the entire day until dinner. I think I enjoyed the salad better than I did the steak.

Soon as I finish this quick blog I will be taking a walk. To be honest the reason I didn’t do any form of exercise is because I felt tired, due to not eating, combined with depression. So I just stayed in bed.

I’m pretty sure I’ve had this depression crap for years, but since I’m not working now and I have time on my hands I tend to remind myself of all my failures. When I was working I didn’t have time to think, I just kept pushing forward. Go to work, get home do what needs to be done around the house. Cook clean wash clothes raise my son. You know life in general.

So now I’m trying to take this “free” time and make it “time” for me. But that number 74 is a pretty big number. With that weight loss goal, I have a question. How often should I weigh myself? OR should I look for different signs? Like my clothes fitting better or loosely? What are some good healthy snack items? I did buy some rice cakes I heard those are a good snack item, they have flavored ones now. But I don’t want to live on salad’s everyday as a meal. I will be looking into other healthy foods. I plan to try sweet potato french fries cooked in an air fryer, and zucchini fries as well. But let me be honest here vegetables are NOT my favorites

Ok short and sweet. But I look forward to any and all suggestions

I will still put my plug in for my failed ecommerce but just keep in mind I can make any color you want on those wreaths. I can make a personal photo on the coffee mugs. And the same with the aprons. Just contact me for any questions. Thanks have a great day.

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My Personal Struggle With Obesity

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I have not had a theme for any of my blogs. Basically just rambling thoughts. However I think I’m going to leave my comfort zone. I’m going to hold myself accountable and start a weight loss journal.

Since I have been out of work, and lets just go ahead and throw the pandemic in here, I have gained some weight. I have always struggled with weight. Society has this idea of what we should look like, but I really just want to be at a healthy weight. So here I go.

  • Day one 5/12/2021
  • Weight 214.2

My goal weight.. Is140.00. My target weight loss is 74lbs.

So far this morning I’ve only had 2 cups of coffee. Today my plan is to fast. Now I don’t know much about the keto, or intermittent fasting, so basically I’m going to wing it. I plan to make healthier choices. I plan to have a steak and salad tonight for dinner and that will be my only meal for today. I will however be drinking plenty of water, and tea.

I have learned that sugar is the culprit. I shamefully admit I have a sugar addiction. I crave sweets and when I have them I WILL NOT STOP eating it until it’s gone. I’m not proud of that fact. But knowing it is part of the battle. Now I plan to stop eating sugery foods. But as a sourherner I will NEVER drink unsweetened tea (that’s blasphemy) and I will continue putting sweetener in my coffee. It’s way to bitter with out. However I think cutting, or weaning myself off sugar by NOT eating candy, cakes, and icecream is a good start. BABY STEPS.

I’ll be back tomorrow with an update, and what I did if I worked out.

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Alone

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Edgar Allen Poe

From childhood’s hour I have not been
As others were — I have not seen
As others saw — I could not bring
My passions from a common spring —
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow — I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone —
And all I lov’d — I lov’d alone —
Then — in my childhood — in the dawn
Of a most stormy life — was drawn
From ev’ry depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still —
From the torrent, or the fountain —
From the red cliff of the mountain —
From the sun that ’round me roll’d
In its autumn tint of gold —
From the lightning in the sky
As it pass’d me flying by —
From the thunder, and the storm —
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view —

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The Ongoing Battles With My Demons. By Patricia A. Fleming

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The night was long as I lay awake,
Anxiety choking like a poisonous snake.
My self-hatred grows like some malady
That I pray will soon be the death of me.

Being hated and scorned is painful indeed,
And that love can be torture, we all must concede,
But to be ignored and forgotten can vanquish one’s heart
Until it’s in pieces, just shattered apart.

To feel nonexistent is so hard to abide,
When you know that your heart is still beating inside.
And how do you save your sinking soul,
When you feel yourself plummeting into that hole?

My dreams don’t provide any rest or relief;
They only replay my regrets and my grief.
I honestly don’t know how I came to this place,
But it’s clear to me now that there is no escape.

You may call me weak and lowly at best.
I’m trapped in self-pity, I must confess.
I long for some quiet, just a moment of peace,
But my negative voice refuses to cease.

My greatest enemy resides within,
But how can I battle myself and win?
I find this a callous, duplicitous life,
Not worth any effort to fight the good fight.

Surviving, instead of living each day,
Sheltered inside sturdy walls I create.
Fleeting moments when hope will linger so nigh,
But those feelings of wretchedness still once again rise.

Getting through every moment and each empty day,
Feeling lost and panicked in this chaotic maze.
Still not giving up and not giving in,
With my greatest fear being that it won’t ever end.

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Rainy Day pt 3

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Well I woke up late. I had a great plan laid out yesterday for today. BUUUUT as we all know often times plans don’t go in the direction we planned. Typical. So yesterday was a flop because….we was to take my sons car and get it serviced. We was just going to drop it off and come back to the house and wait. Then, he was going to go spend the day with his girlfriend. Well the service on the car was SUPPOSED to be an 1 to 1 1/2hours. So while we was waiting he was looking at trading his car for same model, but the sport model. He found one and wanted to go look at it. BUT the thing is it’s on the south side of town. I don’t like the southside AT ALL. He asked if I wanted to go with and I said sure. Now I’m in panic mode. For one we are going to get on the freeway. I really dislike freeway driving. But if you’re going to get anywhere in Houston you drive freeway. I mean you could take another route but to get from where we are to the car lot that would have taken an hour or more. So it would have been the freeway so that’s panic #1 THEN going to southside alone is a panic because I don’t know that side of town very well. Not to mention there are some unsavory folks overthere. There are bad areas all over, I just feel better if I’m in an area of town where I know the streets and where they lead to. However, they took longer than expected and we ended up not going. Boy when I tell you I was so very thankful for that. So getting the car serviced took up the whole day. But I planned to start his cake as soon as he went to visit his girlfriend. I thought I would have had at least 8 hours with him gone. But he didn’t leave until 6 pm But the moment he left I started getting the stuff I bought and whip up the cakes and the homemade fondant and make the modeling chocolate and have everything done so that today all I needed to do was stack and carve the cakes and decorate it. I was able to get the cakes baked, made the findant and I had already cut the cakes to the shape I wanted, and I had JUST made the buttercream frosting when…..I get a text from him saying he headed back . So now I have to figure out where in the heck I’m going to hide this stuff. I quickly crumb coat the cakes and cover them. Then I hide all the other items. Thankfully he still has no clue that I’m making this cake for his birthday. Hopefully he will leave earlier today to go see his girlfriend and I can finish his cakes. So that’s the blog for today. I will post pictures IF the cake turns out have a blessed Sunday

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