Invading An Introvert

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Invading an introvert who ALWAYS has someone around them can be exhausting to said introvert.

I call myself an introvert, but I didn’t used to be that way. Yes I am a shy person. I’m quiet until I know you, until I get a read on the type of personality you have. I will then act according to your personality.

That being said, I used to think of myself as a fun person. I mean I didn’t act crazy, but I used to be fun to hang out with. But when you’re dealing with a narcissistic parent, who is CONSTANTLY watching your EVERY move, or attitude, if I show that I’m in a good mood I get ” what you so happy about?” So now I do my best to guard my feelings and emotions. Seems this person is most happy when I’m angry or depressed. Now the owner of this duplex we are living in wants to sell it.

We are three adults living in a 3 bdr 2 bth duplex. We basically have two house holds here. Some years back my mom came to live with my brother. They was doing fine. I was still raising my son at the time, so she decided to go live with my brother since he was single. Then my brother lost his job, and wasn’t able to get another one sooooooo they came to live with me and my son. It was to be just until they get on their feet again. But for some reason, my brother wasn’t able to hold a job for any length of time. Long story short its almost 15 years later and we are still together. Mostly because mom is getting up in her years and I don’t feel comfortable with her being alone. Now my brother is working and I am not. So I am staying home taking care of mom. I just pray my brother can hold this job.

So my title is about invading an introvert. So because the owner is putting this place on the market some people came by to take pictures. I hated that because this place is so small, it’s crowded. But it’s crowded with stuff that’s not even used, or broken; but they will not discard ANYTHING. I could make a list of how much stuff is here, that we don’t use. But I won’t These folks are border line hoarders. My brother has 3 storages he’s been paying on for for almost 20 years. He keeps saying he’s going to do something with it. But I would think that after 20 years it’s time to move on. He has at least 2 SUV’s in a storage for why, I don’t know. I used to watch hoarders, but it got to the point you seen one you’ve seen them all, it’s just a matter of what items they’re hoarding. But in watching that fake reality show it was almost always the same psychological issue. And that was abandonment. That’s what made them hoard stuff. Now my brother and I lost our real dad to cancer when I was almost 4 yrs old, my brother was 7 yrs old. My brother says he has memories of dad. He remembers an old tire swing dad used to push us on, along with others. I on the other hand only remember seeing him lying on the floor. I knew he was dead.

I know people deal with traumatic situations in different ways. I really don’t know what my brother was thinking or feeling that day.

I can only speculate what mom was feeling. Now that I’m older, I understand things differently. As a child, I had no choice but to go with the flow so to say. But as I look back on so many events leading up to where I am now. I learned lessons in hindsight rather than in the moment.

One of my things I have been enlightened on is my mom. I love her dearly. But I believe she has narcissistic tendencies if not, a person with narcissistic personality disorder. So my mom has 3 children her oldest is a boy then there’s me (I’m a girl) then nine and a half years later she had my sister with her second husband. But me, well if you let her (mom) tell it, I was her “rebel” child. I was her most challenging child. Which may be true. I did question many of her reasons for not allowing me to do things. Like spend the night over at friends, or cousins house. Why just about anything I wanted to do was ( no ) her only two ansers was ” because I said so, or because I’m your mother”

Being as I feel like I was, and still am her target. I have looked into this type of behavior and personality. Just about every article or book I read; the key take away was leave said narc. Cut off all ties. No contact with this person. That’s a task all in it’s own when you’re in a romantic relationship with a narc. (Been there done that) but not so easy as the child of the narc. Yes you grew up with the abuse of a parent who is a narc. The, never ending battles. And YES they are never ending because anything at anytime you say or do the narc has a memory of said (assault) and will remind you of it ONLY to fuel the fire of a nonsensical argument. JUST to make said narc happy; because now you are upset, angry, or frustrated and THAT’S just what the narc wanted. BUT because this person is your parent you love them. Yes it is a toxic love, it is a toxic parent child relationship. But growing up with another “parent” who was the step dad and a man of faith. He was consistent in everything he said or did. I was taught to honor thy mother and thy father. I wanted to be the good girl soooo I did as my dad told me. I respected my parents as best I could. But I wanted to learn things, understand why the answer was always no. But according to mom I was not honoring her. Because many times when I questioned her reasons it turned into an argument, and the classic ” honor thy mother and father” would get tossed in the mix. Now comes the guilt for questioning the parent.

I think that every child can’t WAIT to grow up. Have their own place and be able to make their own rules in their home. I know I couldn’t wait. But and here comes a hindsight lesson. I wanted to get away from home so bad, I basically made a bad decision and ended up with a narcissistic “boyfriend”. The thing is we tend to migrate to what is familiar to us ( meaning abuse) just in a different form. I know some people think it’s crazy; but there are so many moving parts to this abusive situation that if you’ve not experienced it, or researched ( so to say) most of this will be incomprehensible. ( unless you’re a psychiatrist of some sort)

But that’s a blog for another day. So I was invaded so to say today. Not really because we had made an appointment to have these photos taken so the owner can put it on the market. But due to rain we had to reschedule. We did and TODAY was the day. Now I’m at the table working on my sewing machine. She was fussing about how the house looked nasty. ( it didn’t) it’s just small and cluttered. But that hit a nerve on me. Because when I do reorganize all this stuff, she sees that I did, and she will study the shelves, looking for SOMETHING to ask where it is. Mind you it’s not been used since it was bought years ago, BUT she wants to know where it is. AND it has to be within arms reach. But when she said it ( the house looks nasty) the people for the photos knocked on the door, and instead of addressing mom on the issue, the lady and gentleman received my wrath. I hastily opened the door and said come on in and see our filthy home. I was so upset because of what was said that I took it out on the wrong people, and now I feel bad.

I did a blog on introverts, extroverts and ambiverts. I posed the question asking if people are born to be one of the three, or can they grow into or out of the three. I’m not even sure I am an introvert; but starting to think I have guarded my emotions for so long that fear, anger and or frustration are the only ones that can seep through. If I show excitement, or a sense of feeling happy, I have to explain why I’m in a good mood. Good gawd do you NEED a reason to feel happy, or excited? Most times I try to be accommodating to people, but if I do that in front of mom as soon as those people leave, she lays in on me for something I said, or did. She takes great pleasure in belittling me.

Ok I have vented enough for today.

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Monday Thoughts

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Knowledge, truth, lies. Faith, fear, conspiracy theories, research.

This blog is just some random thoughts I have from time to time. But let me start with the fact that I’ve never paid much attention to politics. I just live my day to day life as best I can with the cards I’ve been dealt.

We are living in scary times. So much is changing at a rapid speed it’s hard to keep up with all of it. In fact you could lose your mind trying to.

If I had to put a time stamp on when this all started I would say it started when Donald J Trump became president. Nobody expected it. I even thought what a joke. Trump running for president. He’s not a politician, he’s a business man, and a reality t.v. personality. What does he know about running a country?

Then he got elected. I was like ok let’s see what he can do. Not that it mattered much, because I never paid attention. I don’t understand foreign policies, not even sure who our allies are. None of that really mattered because for all these years OUR voices didn’t really matter.

Sure from time to time A “President” would give the people what they wanted. But juuuust enough to appease the people. Juuuuust enough to keep that vote for the next election. ONLY to rewrite it so that THEY gain and WE THE PEOPLE lose.

Most times politicians lie. They don’t blatantly lie. No, they mince words. They choose their words carefully and speak them in such a way that they have two meanings.

Soon as Donald J Trump became president, it seemed as if most of the people in “the house” went into a panic. Nancy Pelosi made it her job to impeach him. It looked like that was her ONLY job. Then of course she had her minions trying to dig up dirt on the president. The Russian collusion was a farce. A fake dossier that was paid for. Then there was “abuse of power” also referred to as quid pro quo. And of course let’s not forget about the “insurrection”. I’m sure there are others he’s been accused of that I’ve missed. But you get my point.

Let’s address the Russian situation. You know the one that MSM tried to squash when it was about Hunter Biden. When Hunter was on the board of an oil company. Getting paid over eighty thousand A MONTH. Does Hunter even have experience or knowledge of the oil industry? That question is irrelevant, because people would say Trump has no knowledge of how to run a country but he was president. BUT, at a point when Hunter was on the board there came an investigation, and daddy Biden told someone to fire the investigator. Daddy Biden told the person if you don’t fire said investigator, we’re (obama & Biden) not going to give you the billion dollar loan. Said investigator was fired. THATS ON VIDEO. So the Russian collusion turns out to be Biden and son. But MSM squashed it as quickly as it was leaked. That’s just one if many examples of whats been going on.

But we had 4 years of investigations on THEN president Trump. Not to mention the absolute detestation and pure lies MSM spewed from their networks.

Some of the good President Trump did was lowered our taxes. Placed tariffs where they should have been. Lowered medications. He built the wall, kept illegal immigrants from getting here illegally. Helped the immigrants who came here the right way.

Now let’s fast forward to the Corona virus. Covid-19, China virus, Wuhan virus. Pick a name any name you want to call it. It is a virus. Now I don’t dispute if the virus is real or not. Clearly there is a virus. But I do question if said virus is as deadly as they made it out to be. I also question why there was no influenza cases. Did the flu get replaced by Corona?

Did Covid-19 cause the thousands or millions of deaths that was initially reported? We was lied to from the very start of this “virus” President Trump was right from the beginning. I know people who got said virus. They recovered from the virus, and are doing just fine.

There was so much going on about this virus. They said we needed to wear masks, wash our hands. We need to do this for 2 weeks. Then it was still wear the mask but we need to shut the country down. ONLY ESSENTIAL WORKERS. Restaurants, bars, and small business closed. Walmart,and Grocery stores stayed upen as well as fastfood joints. You know the big corporations. But When President Trump ceased travel from China to United States he was called a xenophobe. Yet we had to close the country for (2 weeks) that turned into a year.

That (2weeks) has done more damage than the people in charge want to admit to. Example, loss of jobs, because small businesses can’t recoup from such a long shut down. Thats the start of mental health going. You start to worry about how you’re going to live without a source of income. Schools getting shutdown now parents have to find daycare if said parent is an ESSENTIAL WORKER. Now the schools are setting up for zoom classes. Children NEED social interaction.

This (2week) year long shut down has caused people to be stressed. People are now angry, hurt, and scared. This is JUST about the virus. I have mentioned the hate MSM showed towards president Trump. Let me give you an example. They push that President Trump is a racist, he supports white supremacy. Now as I’ve said before I never paid attention to politics. Mostly because I didn’t understand a lot of it, but also I was just focusing on surviving. I literally work paycheck to paycheck. I was busy working 2 jobs to make ends meet. I had to on many occasions write a check at the grocery store for a small amount over JUST to have gas money to put in my car to get to work. So all I had time for was sleep until my next shift. I didn’t have time to research current events going on. Then I got laid off in November of 2019. Then came the year 2020. I was going to re invent myself. I was going to school to get a better job mainly because I’m getting too old for manual labor. But also for a better paying job. But we had a (2 week) year long shutdown.

Because of said shutdown I had time on my hands. I started doing some crafting to keep myself and my mom occupied. My mom is an overthinker. She will think about something and create non existing problems. Plus I was trying to keep her from watching so much NEWS! But, one day she was watching t.v. and President Trump was giving us an update as far as whats going on with this virus. So I listened to him speak. That was his infamous speech when he told everyone to drink bleach, or some type if disinfectant. That became the argument for anyone who was for Trump. The apposing antiTrumper would say just go drink some bleach.

But that’s not what President Trump said at all. But MSM took it and ran with it. Not to mention that’s not the first or only misleading information MSM has put out there on President Trump. So because NOW I have time I started researching past presidents and speeches. I started comparing how MSM treated past presidents and how they reported on past presidents speeches. There was a lot of information to process. A lot of things had to be filtered through. But one thing I noticed was narratives.

Now it seems to me there is a goal here. I’m not 100% sure what exactly that goal is, but it seems like they have been trying to have a one world order. As it stands America is a free country. We have our rights written into a constitution. That is sacred and protected. Now I honestly don’t know about other countries. But it seems to me a certain group of people have been chipping away at said constitution. For years words are being RE defined to meet a narrative.

But let’s get back to the MSM with their lies and misinformation. As far as President Trump telling people to drink disinfectant that is CLEARLY not what he said or meant. However there is something with ultraviolet light used to disinfect the body. This is what President Trump was talking about. Ultraviolet germicidal irradiation is a disinfection method that uses short-wavelength ultraviolet light to kill or inactivate microorganisms by destroying nucleic acids and disrupting their DNA, leaving them unable to perform vital cellular functions. But MSM will say this. President Trump now says to drink bleach in order to get rid of the virus.

They have called him a racist, xenophobe, and says he not only supports white supremacy but that he himself is a white supremacist. All lies. He has denounced racism on many occasions. There was an incident in Charlottesville. This was in the time frame when I was still working, so I basically was informed of what happened. I seen only “key speaking” points of that incident. And yes the way MSM reported it, it looked like he was supporting the neo nazi group. HOWEVER once I decided to go back and research what REALLY happened or what was ACTUALLY said it was NOT the truth MSM reported. They edited his speech he made about Charlottesville incident. They edited it so it looks like he said they was good people. If people would take the time to resesrch. But the thing about that is, most people don’t have that time. Because they are working. And because they are working they rely in news outlets to get information.

Last summer there was a serious incident that happened and the WHOLE WORLD knew about it. Now there’s a lot to be said here. We all know about George Floyd. I want to make it clear THAT WAS A TERRIBLE SITUATION. I feel bad for the way he died. But because of that, for months we had riots. From those riots there was a lot of innocent people killed. Businesses was destroyed cities was set on fire. So much distruction in the name of racism. But is it really racism? This is a very sensitive topic. However most people have a Facebook account, and FB likes to remind you of a memory, something you posted a year a go, and then you look back on that memory, and there’s other memories. So one thing I noticed on this race war is… Race only seems to matter every 4 years. Ok stay with me here. Obama was elected on 2008, and re elected in 2012. If racism was a problem, why didn’t Obama address it? There are no laws in the books today that says you can’t because…. The truth is ANYBODY and EVERYBODY has an opportunity to be successful. However I wanted to point out that last year in July 4th 2020 President Trump went to Mount Rushmore and gave a speech to celebrate the 4th of July. News outlets called it despicable, said he was fueling white supremacy. But I looked to see what other presidents went to the same place, and Bill Clinton went there at one point. The news outlets THEN called it majestical, and praised it. Do the research your self. I am not making this up. That’s just a small bit on this race war.

I haven’t even started on this “insurrection”

Before we get to that, lets talk about how the left referred to last summers “protests” as MOSTLY PEACEFUL. Or lets talk about how Kamala set up an account to bail the protesters out of jail when they was arrested. Why was the protesters never referred to as terrorist? Now here we are a year later. Where are the leaders of BLM? Where did the 90 plus million dollars go? Did they put that money back into the black communities? Did the build better ANYTHING in said communities? Has ANYBODY from those communities benefited from those donations? One of the founders Patrisse Khan-Cullors recently purchased a home to the amount of 1.4 million dollars. That was in the NEW YORK POST. From the post it said the home was purchased in a predominantly white neighborhood. This group has proudly announced that they are a Marxist group. But if black lives really do matter, then why does BLM turn a blind eye when a black child is kilked by a stray bullet? Why are we NOT saying the names of these children killed by another black person. I do agree that black lives matter. But it CAN’T only be when an officer is involved. It has to matter ALL the time. EVEN when it’s black on black crime.

Now on this supposed insurrection. I watched the talks on rather or not to impeach him yet again. I found it interesting. There is so much to say here. When the left made their arguments they did the same thing MSM does. They edited the film. Showed only pieces of what President Trump said. They cut out the parts that didn’t fit their narrative. Of course when the defense made their argument, they played each edited part in it’s entirety.

This entire blog is written in hopes that people will read it and begin to question everything in recent events and begin to really look into how things are. It is in hopes that people will stop watching MSM and stop being told how to feel or how to think. It is in hopes that they will open their minds and pay attention to what’s being told, and how it’s being portrayed. News outlets need to quit playing on people’s emotions, and we as a people need to separate emotions and focus on logic. We need to get the full information before we react. There is so much more I could blog about, but for now I will leave it at this. I do hope it will make you stop and think and question these current events with an open mind.

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Depression And Anxiety

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I’ve been suffering with depression and anxiety since I was a kid. At the time, I didn’t know what it was. It used to feel like screaming inside and hoping someone would hear it and help me. But no one can hear silent screams.

Depression is not something you can explain – it is most definitely not sadness. Sadness is about crying and feeling. But depression- it’s the absence of feeling, a hollowed feeling.

Silent Screams

Can’t you hear my silent screams?
They are so loud they echo in my dreams.

Behind this face that carries a smile
Lies a dark road that goes on mile after mile.

My silent screams have been going on for years,
But it always falls on so many deaf ears.

How can they hear these silent screams in my mind?
They can’t hear my thoughts if I keep telling them I’m fine.

What can I tell them? These silent screams carry no words.
It’s just feelings of sadness and darkness that come in its herds.

How can I explain so people understand this?
It’s like walking around in a suffocating black mist.

It’s holding on to happiness like holding water in your hands.
It just trickles between your fingers and disappears into the sands.

I can’t explain how this feels; it’s so extreme,
So I hold my mouth shut to cover my silent screams.

This is another poem I came across that I like. It seems to really hit home with me. When I was almost 4 yrs old my real dad lost his battle with cancer. Seeing him laying on the floor is the ONLY image I have of him.

My older brother has memories of him pushing us on a tire swing, and he has other memories. But that’s the only memory I have.

I remember the day he died there was a lot of people in the house. But the one thing I remember most about that day is. I was sitting on the couch, alone, with my face in my hands crying. Oddly I was worried about who was going to pay the bills. Why was THAT on my mind for one thing. But also why was I consoling myself ? Then the next thing I know we’re living in Texas, and my mom has remarried. It’s as if from the passing of my real dad to the remarriage of my mom it was a total blackout to me. The weird part about it is, it’s as if I woke up feeling unloved. I was 6yrs old then. How does a 6 year old come out of a “blackout” feeling unloved?

I was laying in my bed one night and couldn’t go to sleep. I remember my mom was in the shower so I stayed awake waiting for her to come out from the bathroom. She asked me from the doorway of my room why I wasn’t asleep yet. I told her I couldn’t sleep. Her remedy was for me to read a book. But why didn’t she give me affirmation that I am loved? As the years slowly passed, life continued, rather I wanted it to or not. These years are so chaotic. I feel like after my dads passing and my “blackout” I have done nothing but spin my wheels. I hated school, because we moved around so much, I never had a chance to make or have friends. But at the same time, I don’t think I tried to make friends because I didn’t want to bother people. I mean that’s what I THINK happened, because even today, I keep to myself. I am not one to initiate a conversation, but if spoken to I will respond.

As I look back on my personal history, I see a pattern of solitude. Yet I long to be loved. I laugh internally at myself because in truth, I wouldn’t know how to act if I was loved.

I realize NOW that in my younger years I was treading water. If anybody paid any kind of attention to me I jumped on it as if it was my life boat. I was so desperate for love that I was blinded to the small unseen holes in that life boat, and found myself draining the boat with a very small bucket.

I found myself in a 15 year unrequited love relationship. Yet I was determined to make it work. It ended up breaking me. Now at my age I have given up. I have the words (Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be) I now simply go through the motions of life. Kind of a sad existence. There are things that make me feel happy from time to time. I love my son with every ounce of my being. He don’t know it but he’s the reason I keep going. He has always been my rock. I stayed strong for him. When he was young I put on mom mode and acted as if I loved life, I acted JUST as excited as he did when he learned something new. We used to go bug hunting. He never knew, in my solitude I was dead. Hindsight I could have been an actor. When he comes to visit I still put the brave happy front. But I digress. AND I need to start being unproductive.

Actually the house we are living in, the owner has decided to sell it. So I need to get it dressed up for photos. Which has my anxiety up because if he sells it. We may have to move. The owner said he hopes to sell it to another invester. But that don’t mean he wont want us to move. So he can flip the house and sell it again. Funny thing is….when I started this ecommerce thing, I hoped it would grow into something sustainable to eak out a living. But Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be

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Life And Death

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I have so many thoughts that run through my mind while idle. My dad used to say idle hands is the devils workshop. I always understood it to mean stay busy. Find something to do and basically if you find yourself having bad or negative thoughts get busy, clean a room or rearrange the furniture just do not entertain those thoughts because that’s the devil.

There’s one thing I want to make clear here. I believe in God PERIOD. Not because I was raised to believe in him, but because of many factors in my life tells me he is real.  I am ok if you don’t believe in God that’s your choice. I will not try to force my beliefs on you and I ask that you don’t force your disbelief on me.  I will pay someday you see God’s glory.

Just because I say I believe in God, that  does not by any means, mean I don’t have my struggles. I question so many things. The answers are there, but in all honesty  I am either too lazy or scared to find the answers. Those reasons still do not negate my belief in God. We all have the questions of…..if God is all knowing then why…….

  • Why is there cancer?
  • Why is there famine?
  • Why are children suffering?
  • Why does YOUR God allow suffering?
  • Why don’t God end all wars?
  • Why didn’t God stop the car crash?
  • Why doesn’t God kill the devil?
  • Why does God allow people to have pain? {emotional and physical}
  • Why does God NOT answer your prayers?

 

This is just some of the questions I can think of that I get from the people who don’t believe in God. I am no bible scholar, or no historian researcher. I am nothing more than your average Jane Doe trying to live life. There are a few things I reflect on with some of my learning’s from the bible. It’s my understanding that Jesus is the son of God and he was sent here to be the ultimate sacrifice for our sins. {there’s so much more to it than JUST that} but Jesus said that the Apostle Peter would disown him 3 times before the rooster crows. There are many reasons that he disowned Jesus. From my young and naive understanding it was because Jesus was such a good man, He could heal the sick, bring the dead back to life with the explanation that he was only sleeping. So {in my understanding} Jesus did not deserve to die and certainly not in the manner that he was killed. I questioned why would a loving Father do such a thing to his child? But as usual I digress this is not what I wanted to write about.

I was wanting to express thoughts, sometimes when you don’t have a person to talk to about thoughts I find it better to write them. There are times when I try to articulate my thoughts they don’t make sense when I speak them.

So this life and death thing that I want to elaborate on.  No I’m not going on the   “philosophical” What is the meaning of life? or What is the/my purpose in life? Those questions are played out. {in my opinion} my thing is what happens when you’re still alive, but life in you is not? What if you’re in like a {purgatory} in life, and until you figure out why you, will stay there?  Not sure if purgatory is the exact word I should use, but it’s the word that comes to mind. I feel like I have lived this life and I know what it has to offer.  I feel like I have tread water to keep my head above the water but have gained no real ground to stand on.

I take responsibility for my bad decisions. But it feels like ironically when I try to make amends for my poor decisions the universe is against me and laughing at me {not in a literal sense} I’ve spoke on my decision to drop out of high school, I’ve also said I’m not proud of my decision,and how much I regret it. Hind sight is always 20/20.

Side note if there are any young folks reading this { even if it is for a good laugh} my advice to you is do not quit school.

But I still stand on the idea that once the basics are learned, lets start focusing on the future as far as skills, and start preparing the students for actual trade school, or even college. We know not EVERY  person can be the CEO of a corporation. I know back when I went to school there was different classes as far as for the students. Not different as far as Math, reading. science and so on I’m talking different as far as intelligence of the students. Of course I didn’t know this until halfway through high school, and I still don’t know how the teachers differentiated the students as far as putting t hem into what class, but I know of a few friends that had some sort of a prep classes for college. NOT A one of my teachers EVER spoke to the students as a whole about preparing for college.

What are the determining factors for a student to get into college prep classes? Why was  not all students given the same opportunity?  again I digress.

I don’t know what to do, or where to go. I have raised my son, in essence he no longer needs me. I know how that sounds, but that is the intent when you raise your children. You raise them to no longer need you. It’s not a bad thing. We will not live for forever { right now it seems like it} Part of parenting is teaching  your child to be self sufficient.

As I said, what if the life inside you is no longer, but according to science you’re not dead? IS there an in between living and death? What is that called? Not the UNdead, or the living dead. is there a name for that stage of existence? Is this an example of what happens when you die? I have never had a fear of death. But I have always been curious about it.

For example when we finally leave this earth, do we really see our loved ones that have passed on before us? Will they know us? What about the ones who passed before we was born? I know I’m not the only one who thinks about these things.  Well maybe in my family I might be but I know I’m not the only one in the world that thinks about these things. There was a phrase in a movie I watched years ago and that phrase has stayed etched in my mind every since then. the quote is…..

I will have a wish for death long before death finds me

I have wished for death a very long time. I am not suicidal lets get that clear right now. Thou shall not kill. even if it’s suicide it is still a killing. I know there at least 3 unforgivable sins.

  • Blasphemy against the Holy Spirit
  • Apostasy a willful defection from the faith
  • receiving the mark of the beast

Now y’all please don’t think I’m some holy roller yelling at everybody to get saved, or calling out their sins. Because you can trust I have plenty of my own sins to atone for. Straight is the gate,  and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.

I know the bible talks about hell, there for I know there must be such a place.  My dad used to say I know I’m going to heaven because I’ve lived in hell on earth

There was one thing my dad used to say that I didn’t understand for a long time, but now I get it crystal clear. He used to say you’re supposed to rejoice at passing and weep at birth. Now I understand it very well. The tears for a birth is the beginning life and all the ups and downs. But to rejoice is ones passing is they no longer have to worry. They no longer have to deal with this thing called life. The irony of this is when ever there is a death I still cry. I jokingly say they are the lucky ones. But then as I write this maybe that’s why I cry, because I am still here dealing with life, and that’s when I think it’s Gods way of punishing me. Because I know God will provide you what you need not what you want.

well there’s that thought out in the open. Now maybe I can be productive for the rest of the day. now that I got that off my chest.

Continue reading “Life And Death”

My Personal Struggle With Obesity Day???

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Don’t believe my words;
they’re lies that I fabricate to
project a perfect life and
convince you I’m okay. Don’t trust the smile you see;
it’s a facade to conceal
searing pain, acute shame,
sheer heartache.

Don’t get fooled by my laughter;
it is merely an echo
of hollow insides, yearning
for senses to return.

Don’t get convinced by my clarity and order;
borne in attempt to
control the chaos
and pacify the storm brewing inside.

Don’t be blinded by
The perfection I exude,
The courage I fake,
The innocence I feign,
The confidence I wear-
For I am broken.

So apparently I am not always consistent. but then again I knew that and now my few readers are going to know that about me.

Motivation:

noun
  1. the reason or reasons one has for acting or behaving in a particular way.

Continue reading “My Personal Struggle With Obesity Day???”

My Personal Struggle With Obesity Day 5 & 6

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It’s just a day shy of being a week on this journey. Motivation is certainly an elusive little thing.

So weekends are different so to say. However, I ironically and unplanned only had one meal one each day of the weekend. Ok so during the week my son is at his place, but usually on Fridays he comes to my place to sleep and go to work from my place. That’s so that on Friday he can bring his clothes and lunch bowls for me to wash. Because on Sundays I cook his lunch for the week. I usually cook him a pot of brown rice with peas and carrots, a pot of pinto beans, and a chicken medley that has sweet potatoes, zucchini, yellow squash bell pepper and broccoli and those are his items he takes during the week for his lunch.

So in a previous post he wanted me to make pulled beef. (It’s usually called pulled pork) but we don’t eat pork so we use beef instead. Now I searched 3 different stores Friday for this piece of beef to no avail. Explained to my son about not being able to find it. He said well try tomorrow (Saturday) and if not no worries. Long story short I found it Saturday. So we had shredded beef on a baked potatoe with bbq sauce it was delicious. And yes that was the only meal I ate that day.

So now we are on Sunday. I wake up early because I needed to go to the store and get a few items to make my son’s meal prep for the week. Now one thing I should make clear here is this… My son works mid shift his hours are 1p.m to 9:30 p.m so when he comes over on weekends we’re usually awake until 2 a.m talking catching up on current events. So those to nights are late nights for me. But ironically I still wake up relatively early. But Sunday I woke up at 5 a.m to have my coffee and get to the store early enough to get back and prep the lunch before he was going to leave. BUT I didn’t know I was out of a seasoning. Sooooo here I go BACK to the store ggggrrrr. So I got everything done. Kiddo wakes up we have coffee together. You know it’s the little things I cherish with my son. Like having coffee out on the front porch. Late night conversations when he comes over on Fridays. And as I think about these current conversations I’m reminded that this is something we have ALWAYS done. When he was younger, we used to have late night conversations well it was his bedtime, but we would talk about random things. Like for example we would talk about Power Rangers. The different ones and what their special powers are. Or we would talk about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and of course Pokemon would fall into the mix from time to time. Now I honestly knew very little about said subjects because I was a working mom. But I would engage with him in these conversations. Of course as he grew older our conversations would change according to his age and interests.

I remember once when his dad and I was together he told me he was jealous of our relationship ( me and our son) I asked him why, and he said because you two are close and I wish I had that with him.

Side note his dad had a drinking problem. There would be times he would go a long time and not touch a drop of beer or alcohol. Then the next thing you know he’s binge drinking. He would drink 3 to 4 (18 packs) of beer a day and chase it with tequila. We (my son and I) HATED those times. Because he wouldn’t sleep for however many days he was drinking. Of course when he “confessed” his jealousy he was already in drink mode. But I told him that IF you would stop ONLY thinking of YOU, there’s a great chance you could STILL build a trusting relationship with your son. But this man only thought about himself. When ge had free time, you could find him chasing skirts instead of chasing a relationship with his son. But I digress.

So Sunday night I went to sleep about 2 a.m and got up at 5 a.m. I know I need coffee before I can even think about functioning. And it has to be 2 cups. The first cup is just to have the wonderful taste of that bold rich smooth taste of coffee. The second one is the wake up cup. THEN I’m ready to somewhat function. Long morning short my son left about 12:30 to take his stuff home and spend some time with his girlfriend. So after he left I took a nap. Mind you I hadn’t ate except for some rice chips. I planned to sleep only an hour. But I ended up sleeping for 4 hours. Which made for a long night last night.

My goodness I have rambled on so long here. I think my train if thought has jumped the track hate when that happens. I know this is supposed to be about my struggle with obesity.

So let me just say my plan for today. I’ve had my 2 cups of coffee. I will not be walking today as it looks like rain . But I do have a plan to workout. Also I will be making myself a menu for a 1200 calorie diet. I know I should reduce the amount of calories in order to lose weight, and since I’m not as active as I used to be I’m not burning calories as much. So theres that. Tomorrow I will lay out my menu plan. You’re more than welcome to use that as guide if anyone who reads this is looking for menu ideas. So theres my ramble for today. See y’all tomorrow stay safe and of course here’s my links.

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

Rainy Day finale

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Even though I know the cake looked like crap, he loved it. And was surprised. He had no clue I was making a cake for him. But boy was I anxious about a lot.

To start with I wanted to surprise him and Murphy’s law kept peeking in on us. You know with the whole car fiasco and basically riuning the day.

Then when he went out with his girlfriend the night was cut short for some reason. So I had to hide all the evidence.

Another reason my anxiety was high is when there’s something I need or want to do, I jump in and do it. I don’t procrastinate. That is a huge pet peve I have.

When I first got laid off in November of 2019 I still would wake up early have my 2 cups of coffee and start doing things around the house that had BEEN needing to be done. Shoot I even painted the living room, dining room and kitchen. Mom had been wanting that done for some time. Then I got caught up on things and was trying to fill my day with things to do.

But I soon discovered something about myself. I never realized I had it until I suddenly had all this “free time” on my hands.

I mentioned in the beginning of this blog how I was anxious.

Anxious: experiencing worry, unease, or nervousness, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.

Most people are usually anxious about things from time to time. It’s actually normal. In fact my sister and I had a conversation about anxiety. (side note my sister is 10 years younger than me) So we was talking about anxiety. I was explaining that I have never personally experienced an anxiety attack. So I wouldn’t know one if I did. I have however talked mom through plenty of anxiety attacks. So my sister had told me about an experience she had with anxiety. Her oldest daughter had just moved out, and my sister said she woke up in the middle of the night unable to breath and her heart was beating fast. This is how I’ve heard many people explain their experiences with anxiety.

Now with mom when she first started having those attacks we had no clue what was going on. I remember rushing to the hospital thinking she was having a heart attack. But thank goodness she did not. But we followed up with countless doctors and they found absolutely nothing wrong with her. Which is a good thing. But we couldn’t figure out what was going on with her. Then finally a doctor told us it was anxiety. So I’ve talked mom down on many occasions when she would have these anxiety attacks. Yet to this day I don’t know what THAT type of anxiety attack feels like.

So in this current lay off, I’m trying to think of a job I can do where there’s not so much hard manual labor. I’m getting too old for all this heavy lifting and such. I tried to go back to school, but covid had other plans and decided to shut the country down. Great

So I start racing in my mind what can I do? As far as work. Ironically I have always worked. But I have no real skills, or a certificate that says I know how to do something. As I mentioned I’m getting too old for this hard manual labor, and nobody can live on minimum wage unless they work 2 jobs.

So the idea of making gift baskets comes to mind. I thought not a bad idea. People buy gift baskets all the time for so many different occasions. Then I start seeing these advertisements for ecommerce. I start looking into that. What exactly it is, how does it work, and what do I need to do. I start thinking maybe I should offer more than just gift baskets. A lot of ideas came to mind. Like making candles, bath bombs, coffee mugs, and other crafty things. I’m also thinking at the same time I can occupy mom’s time and give her something to do.

So I come up with a business plan with a list of ideas to put in this “ecommerce” store. I even get a resellers certificate. I find an ecommerce hosting site and get that set up. (So to say) STILL figuring that out. However I’m trying to keep mom occupied while I work on some of my projects for this site.

Now I’m 6 months into this journey and so far not a hit. I’m ok with that right now. But I digress from what I intend to blog about (typical) as I said I discovered something about me and anxiety. I feel like I have what’s called HIGH FUNCTIONING ANXIETY.

I endure long periods of hard work, then experience burnout, then I procrastinate. I overthink that I am not doing “enough” or I fear failure. Poor sleep—I don’t sleep enough hours, I wake up and cannot seem to get back to sleep, or I have trouble falling asleep. Racing thoughts that make it difficult to relax.

The thing is, I worked at a job for 10 years. I could have ran the company. I don’t mean that LITERALLY, what I mean by that is I knew what needed to be done, when it needed to be done, and I knew how to run every machine in that company. In fact my boss would come to me asking about something. Then the company decided consolidate and move operations to Dallas. They had already shut a couple other hubs that was in Texas. We was hoping to keep the Houston hub, but the company decided to keep the Dallas hub and shut down the Houston hub.(just my luck)

So naturally anxiety creeps up, but who wouldn’t be worried you’re fixing to be out of a job. However I was lucky enough to land a job 6 weeks later. Oh but now it’s a whole new ball game. A whole new job to learn the ins and outs. Learn who, what, when, where, and why.

Let me tell you this job KICKED my behind. So it was a job in the energy industry. I had never in my life done industrial work. When I went through the 3 day orientation I was literally scared to death. Because of the emphasis they put on safety alone. I was hired by a staffing agency. She saw my resume and was very impressed with my longevity on my jobs. I was actually hired to clean valves. Once I got there on the job I found out they was valves that are used for fracking. One valve weighs about 5lbs no big deal right? BUT when you have 200 valves on a pushcart that turns into 1000lbs PLUS the weight of the cart. And we had to bake them once they was pressed. Of course the industrial ovens was not in the same area they are pressed in. So you have to push the cart all the way to the other end of the shop. Pushing that cart of valves is almost equivalent to pushing a car. But I did it because it was expected of me to do so. The truth is that was serious hard work. I came home beyond exhausted. I had a supervisor who was difficult to work with. I may one day blog about my experience with that job and supervisor. Just not today. But as I said I would come home exhausted. I would get home and have to cook dinner and clean up. BUT it had to meet moms expectations. Mom would watch over me as I cleaned the kitchen, and she would ask ” what are you going to do with this, or that, or she would say aren’t you going to wipe down the stove?” Just little nagging things that I am of course going to handle, but I think it was her way of “bossing” me around. I have always been her target. So my mind is on constant defense when interacting with her as I have to be careful NOT to set her off.

Now I realize all this time in dealing with interactions with mom is a form of anxiety. But I try to contain the anxiety and not let on that I’m in a slight panic mode. I admit mom and I used to argue like bitter enemies. I of course as her daughter knew I was limited on what I could say to her, as I had to remain “repectful” to her. She has many common phrases, but the two she uses most are Honor your mother, and I am your mother. But she could say anything she wanted, because I have to honor my mother. I have lived in constant criticism from mom that I unknowingly built a defense wall constructed with anxiety. But the type that makes you find away to survive, not the typical hyperventilating and tend to freeze. No, I have the one where my mind says find a quick answer or solution to make it right for now. Keep pushing forward. Never let them know you’re lost for what to say or do.

Now I’ve rambled on so much I’ve forgotten where I was going with this blog.

I can say this, this whole anxiety thing is exhausting. I feel like I’m running out of solutions. I can’t find the right direction to keep things moving. I don’t even have a job, and I am absolutely exhausted.

I have spent so much time and money on this “business” and have no clue what I need to do other than just get a job. Yet that brings anxiety. I don’t like the idea of mom being home alone. She is getting to tge point of needing assistance in some of her day to day tasks. But at the same time I’m not used to not having my own source of income.

So this is my experience with a form of anxiety. I don’t know which is worse, or more exhausting. The freeze and panic or the fight and solve it. The anxiety when you go into a freeze and panic mode WILL end. Although it may seem like it took hours but it usually lasts about 5 to 20 minutes. Believe me I know that seems like forever when you’re in the middle of said panic. I also understand with the freeze panic there’s no warning. It just comes from out of nowhere.

Then the second one feels like it never ends because it seems to be one event after the other especially when you’re around other people. You HAVE to keep this game face on, because if they see you’re out of sorts, thats when they start punching. Bombarding you with questions UNNECESSARY questions. But, with said questions it’s nothing more than information they will file away for future reference. That alone is mentally exhausting.

Which now brings me back to a thought on another blog I did on introverts. Could this be a contributing factor in a person having introvet tendencies?

For example. For one moment, they realize how peaceful it feels to be in YOUR own thoughts. Not having to answer to anybody as to WHY you chose to wear a blue T-shirt instead of the grey one. You don’t have to worry some one may get upset because you asked them to repeat what they said because you genuinely did not hear what they said. And best of all there is NO ONE to drain your energy. Now I do enjoy good conversation. I love hearing people’s opinions, thoughts and ideas. It’s what makes conversation interesting.

So this blog has taken me all day to write. I think I’ve rambled on enough for now. Have a nice evening.

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

Rainy Day pt 3

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Well I woke up late. I had a great plan laid out yesterday for today. BUUUUT as we all know often times plans don’t go in the direction we planned. Typical. So yesterday was a flop because….we was to take my sons car and get it serviced. We was just going to drop it off and come back to the house and wait. Then, he was going to go spend the day with his girlfriend. Well the service on the car was SUPPOSED to be an 1 to 1 1/2hours. So while we was waiting he was looking at trading his car for same model, but the sport model. He found one and wanted to go look at it. BUT the thing is it’s on the south side of town. I don’t like the southside AT ALL. He asked if I wanted to go with and I said sure. Now I’m in panic mode. For one we are going to get on the freeway. I really dislike freeway driving. But if you’re going to get anywhere in Houston you drive freeway. I mean you could take another route but to get from where we are to the car lot that would have taken an hour or more. So it would have been the freeway so that’s panic #1 THEN going to southside alone is a panic because I don’t know that side of town very well. Not to mention there are some unsavory folks overthere. There are bad areas all over, I just feel better if I’m in an area of town where I know the streets and where they lead to. However, they took longer than expected and we ended up not going. Boy when I tell you I was so very thankful for that. So getting the car serviced took up the whole day. But I planned to start his cake as soon as he went to visit his girlfriend. I thought I would have had at least 8 hours with him gone. But he didn’t leave until 6 pm But the moment he left I started getting the stuff I bought and whip up the cakes and the homemade fondant and make the modeling chocolate and have everything done so that today all I needed to do was stack and carve the cakes and decorate it. I was able to get the cakes baked, made the findant and I had already cut the cakes to the shape I wanted, and I had JUST made the buttercream frosting when…..I get a text from him saying he headed back . So now I have to figure out where in the heck I’m going to hide this stuff. I quickly crumb coat the cakes and cover them. Then I hide all the other items. Thankfully he still has no clue that I’m making this cake for his birthday. Hopefully he will leave earlier today to go see his girlfriend and I can finish his cakes. So that’s the blog for today. I will post pictures IF the cake turns out have a blessed Sunday

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

Rainy Day pt 2

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Yesterday I blogged about my sons birthday. I was just killing time while waiting for the rain to stop. I had touched on reasons why he didn’t care to celebrate his birthday.

So weeks befor his birthday he was planning to take a vacation. He wasn’t planning any kind of travel. For some people vacation is JUST knowing you don’t HAVE to wake up at a certain time and be some where on time and be productive. Just knowing you don’t have to do ANYTHING is a vacation. However his birthday is Sunday and he DID plan to spend that day here at home. But his girlfriend had other plans. She talked him into spending that day with her. My son is a softy to an extent. So he called me Thursday night and explained to me the change of plans. I could tell he felt a bad because I think he felt like he was letting me down. In truth he was. But let me explain something. From the age of probably 5yrs old every Christmas and summer holidays he went to Mexico to visit his dads side of the family. I got all kinds of negative responses from my family members. In short they thought I was crazy and that at one point his dad will not bring him back. Well first of all I could understand their fears, however even though his dad and I had our “relationship” issues I knew in my heart of hearts he would never take and leave my son in Mexico. The biggest reason is, his dad is a mama’s boy to the core. I, in fact had a double whammy so to say. He was a mama’s boy AND the last child for 5 years. Then his parents had 3 more children. So when I gave birth to our son, dad went to Mexico 2 weeks later. When he came back he told me his mom asked about me and the baby. He said he told his mom he wanted to take the baby from me. He then told me his mom got so angry and told him you NEVER take a womans baby from her. ( the thing is, at this point I hadn’t met his parents) His mom knew nothing about me, but was quick to jump on her son. Now I did eventually meet his mom. She was the sweetest lady one could have the pleasure of knowing. But still every summer and Christmas he went to Mexico, when in truth I wanted him here. So basically I’m used to being let down. But to see him excited about going out weighed my disappointment. Yes I was sad and disappointed, but to see your child excited and happy about something is a way better feeling.

So yes his girlfriend convincing him to spend the day with him IS a disappointment, but he also has to have a life.

He told me that he explained to his girlfriend how he don’t care to make a big deal over his birthday. And yes just as I wrote in pt 1 it does stem from the loss of Granny. Also as I mentioned in pt1 we had her services on his birthday.

So for me being disappointed is normal. However I do plan to make him a cake. I’m going to attempt at making a cake carved into a gran piano. So it works with him being gone with his girlfriend. My hope is to surprise him with this cake. He really enjoys when a person takes time and hand makes something. He appreciate the time and thought that goes into the project. Plus the fact that I make my own fondant that taste better than the store bought fondant. As I said before I used to do a lit of cake making, then something happened and I lost my love of creation. So wish me luck on this little adventure of creating a grand piano cake.

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

When you lost yourself

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I started blogging very recently. I started it for a lot of reasons. One reason was to get out on social media and self promote (so to say) my adventure as an ecommerce. Let me tell ya it’s tough. But in this journey I have come to realize how much of myself I have lost. And to be quite honest, I don’t think I’ll ever get those parts of me back. Theres a lot to be said about this whole generation of social media or maybe I should say era of social media. I feel like the more connected we get to each other via social media, the less we connect face to face. And there’s a lot to be said for that face-to-face connection! For one thing, you can’t hug someone on Facebook, and there’s so much that can only be conveyed through body language. Even a positive facial expression can mean everything when we can’t find the words to express what we feel. I will admit at first, I was really enjoying this social media thing. I remember AOL America OnLine. I remember and miss the chat rooms. Then Yahoo came along which was an improvement from AOL. I had a lot of fun in those chat rooms. But through the years the internet has changed. I feel like for some it brings out a different person. I feel for some people it gives them the courage to say things that they may not say if they was face to face. (Be it good or bad.)

I have met a select few people in real life from the internet. One turned out to be a jerk. Long story short, I had just left my ex. We only talked for a brief period. Because when he told me I should send my son to live with his dad, I of course ended that relationship the moment those words came out of his mouth. I think that may have been the moment I knew I would be alone. But I was ok with it. I had responsibilities that took precedent over a “social” life. I have worked so much trying to keep my head above water and raise my son, that I now have no social life. I mean through the years on my jobs I have met some really great people. And maybe it’s because I’m not working right now and that gives me too much time to think. And more time to climb into my shell.

I have so much I would love to talk about, but no one really to talk to. I enjoy open conversation with out judgment. We can agree to disagree.

I recently wrote about being an introvert, extrovert, and ambivert. I was curious rather or not a person could become one of the three through life experiences.

Half the time I struggle writing a blog, because I don’t want to come off as narcissistic, or be mis judged. I don’t want to appear as a “clout” chaser. Or attention seeker. But here I am. Blogging about things people couldn’t care less about trying to get views.

But one thing I can say is. My blogs are JUST mostly my opinions. They are mostly what comes to mind at tge time I start blogging. I do try to blog every day. 90% of the time I have no clue what to blog about. Trust me there are PLENTY of current events to speak on, but at this point I try to stay away from those heated topics BECAUSE of judgment, or miss understandings.

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30