Constant Criticism

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Ever notice some people are constantly criticizing you? There may be one person in particular you know will criticize you. You can in fact feel it coming because the eyes of said criticizer is burning a whole through you.

Let me just say when you get criticism from people in general it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Constructive criticism is fine. There’s a difference between constructive criticism and criticism JUST to belittle a person. I actually enjoy having a discussion that’s constructive criticism we can brain storm ideas off of each other.

But when you have some one constantly criticizing you, it can make things a little difficult. Now y’all know I’m gonna give an example. Ready? Ok here we gooooooo

So the other day I was cooking dinner, mom says I bet Robert would like some biscuits with this meal. My initial response was oh my goodness we already got 2 eyes going, and NOW you wanna turn the oven on?!

We are in the middle of summer and here in Texas humidity is so high here and the heat I try to cook as little as possible

But I decided to make them. Not because she said my brother would like some, but because I knew SHE really wanted a biscuit. So I grab an iron skillet, and she grabbed the shortening from the pantry. Now I reach into the shortening and grab a small handful to coat the skillet. As I’m coating the skillet, I here her say “goodness, that’s a lot!” I gave her the side eye, she says “I know, you don’t want me in here watching you huh” I responded with I don’t mind that you’re in here, I just don’t need you criticizing my every move. She didn’t say too much, but she did question my methods on making the biscuits. And make remarks about how others make their biscuits. So we made it through the biscuits fiasco. And when dinner was done, surprisingly she complimented my biscuits. I was shocked, but not sure if she’s starting the love bombing thing again, or if the complement is sincere.

While that was just one example of criticism to lower your self esteem, there are other forms of criticism that hurt as well. The way you drive, there is a constant, why are you driving around this bend so fast? Don’t you think you’re a little close to that car in front? OMG ARE YOU GOING TO STOP?!

While these are all an attempt to emotionally, and mentally abuse you for there enjoyment. YOU CANNOT TAKE IT TO HEART! You have to tell yourself YOU ARE ENOUGH. You are good ENOUGH.

Ok I blogged there you go. Read it, I hope you enjoyed it, but more so go look at my links

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A Simple Touch.

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So I woke up this morning got my coffee ans was just about to go to wordpress, when I grabbed my phone, some how the goofle opened and the seen an article. This is the title of said article

Physical touch during early life appears to play a key role in moral development, according to new psychology research. I skimmed through the article. But it reminded me of a conversation my son and I had. I never realized I did this, but my son pointed it out to me. Actually there was two main things that was pointed out to me by my son. So the touch. I for one when I had him wanted to keep him in my arms, and hold him ever so gently, but tightly in my arms for ever. He was so perfect. But as we all know the little munchkins have to grow up. Then THEY don’t don’t want your arms any more. Because in reality, they ARE learning and growing. But as for me, I just wanted to hold him in my arms, keeping him safe. As I’ve mentioned before in other blogs, my son and I are very close. He has ALWAYS known that no matter what the problem may be, he was alway safe to talk to me. So by this point my son is an adult, and we had a conversation about how I raised him. He mentioned a few things, but the two that stuck out to me was that I always touched him, and the other was, I never yelled at him.

I hadn’t realized either one. So he explains, as far as the touch, he told me there was times he would be lying on the couch watching TV, or playing a game, and as I walked past him, I would apply a gentle touch, maybe gently rub his head, or a gentle squeeze on the shoulder, but he said I touched him often. He also said he liked it because it gave him a sense of calmness. Now as far as the yelling, I know that in order for me to yell, you REALLY must have hit the nerve, because I am just not a person to yell. For one I don’t like being yelled at, therefore I will not yell at you.

Full disclosure I did not read the article from beginning to end. But it doesn’t take Einstein, to know, the simple and kind act of touch goes a long way. For one it stimulates the brain. Hugging and other forms of nonsexual touching cause your brain to release oxytocin, known as the “bonding hormone.” 

Well that’s the read for today. But please keep your eyes open I will soon be having some interesting content, or at least I think interesting.

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Good Morning

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Good morning beautiful people. I hope your morning is going well. Because mine didn’t start out to well, but I not mad. I woke up late. I had planned to go to walmart early in the morning to get some fabric for some new projects. I still got there early, thank goodness. I found some cute fabric for a baby blanket. SO EXCITED! I’m fixing up some gift baskets for a baby shower. Hopeful to sell them. I’m also going to add some things needed when you have a new bundle of joy. Like some diapers, a burping cloth, some baby wipes, some stuff for their little bottom. And a few other little necessities.

I remember when my son was born, I couldn’t use disposable diapers for him. I bought the cheapest to the most expensive, and all of them made his bottom fire red. I had to use cloth diapers. Funny story though. So my mom threw me a baby shower and she invited a friend we’ve known for YEARS. She couldn’t think of anything to get me, so she made up a few items into a gift basket. One of the items was cloth diapers. She asked me not to announce her gift because she was embarrassed of what she got me. She was the only one who got me the cloth diapers. She said if anything you can use them as a burping cloth. So I had to call her and let her know, that it was an awesome gift because he couldn’t use disposable diapers. We laughed. So any way I just wanted to share that with y’all.

I’m so excited to start these new projects. I will be posting photos in the coming weeks. But for now I have to get busy. Have a wonderful day. Be safe, and be kind.

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Exciting News

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Ok folks I have been researching and researching for all kinds of information. I will be having some exciting news in the next few months. There will be lots of information coming in the next few months. I want to share with y’all now, but I can’t because I still have to cross all my T’s and dot all my I’s before I can spill the beans.

I know most of my posts have been all over the board. However I guess I’m still trying to find my niche so to say. I would like to ask the ones who are following me id they have anything particular they would like to read? What grabs your attention to say “hey this might be a good read”? Just curious as to what direction I should take this blogging. I will say I have been looking into blogging and taking a few free courses on writing. Things like how to find your niche, how to make a blog, as far as starting it all the way to finishing it. While I know I have not completely mastered it, I would appreciate the help in getting ideas that interest the ones who are following me. Maybe even get them to say “hhmm I think I’ll share this one, maybe some of my followers would find this interesting”. Let me just say to the ones who are following I appreciate y’all more than you know.

I am trying to break out of my comfort zone here, and to be honest I’m feeling a bit vulnerable. It’s a weird feeling to intentionally put yourself in a vulnerable position. But here I am doing it. I really am trying to get my self confidence back. I am learning new things to get the ball rolling and expand my horizons I will no longer except failure, I will simply say this is not a failure, but a detour, and I will take other avenues to reach my destination. My dad always said “not beats a failure but a try” He used to always say things to inspire someone. and his enthusiasm at trying new things made you feel excited and positive about this new adventure. Some day I may do a blog about this guy. I have to say he was my anchor, and I miss him terribly. I honestly feel like I died when he did. The sad thing about that is, he would be so disappointed in me. Because while he knew death was inevitable, he lived his life to the fullest. So I need to start doing that again. I need to live. Because I know that’s what he would want me to do. I can say he and I had an understanding and a respect for life and death, we viewed it differently than most people.

Now moving forward there will be no more defeats, It will be just a detour. So before I end this blog please let me know some of the things you would be interested in reading about. and thank you for your time. have an awesome blessed day.

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This One

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The very thing that distinguishes us both is that I wouldn’t hesitate to choose you in every lifetime. But you wouldn’t even choose me in this one. And although I gave you my flesh and bones, I know I cannot love you into loving me. So there you are overflowing with my love, and here I am pleading for a droplet of yours or whatever I could Salvage. But there must come a time where you recognize that to grieve someone hurts a lot less than forcing them to be a part of you. And I know I should not beg for love, but I just want wanted someone to be afraid of losing me.

Trauma Bond

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Did you know trauma bond makes you physcologically addicted to abuse and it explains why when you go NO CONTACT feels like you’re coming of a drug. It also explains why men and women are attracted to narcissistic partners.

This is probably why I stay single. I know I can’t trust myself. Kind of like an addict, if you take one drink, you’re right back to drinking again. That goes for anything you’re addicted to, be it alcohol, cigarettes, meth, you name it, if you take it ONE MORE TIME your hooked. That’s why it’s dangerous for an empath to connect with a narcissist. I think that because as an empath we don’t take pleasure in hurting people. We always want to lift them, make them feel worthy, because we know the feeling of worthlessness.

To be honest, if you find yourself in a relationship with an empath, you better take a step back and really look at what you have. Because an empath will go above and beyond to keep things working. An empath will move mountains, to meet your demands. But if that empath walks out of your life, just know he/she is gone. Because you finally broke him/her. This person has ran out of reasons to keep trying.

  • Ignorance of abusive tactics. Most people are conditioned to believe that abuse requires some sort of physical mark and only happens to uneducated people. But there are seven categories of abuse: physical, emotional, verbal, mental, sexual, financial, and spiritual. And most studies show that abuse is prevalent in all socioeconomic groups, cultures, intelligence levels, and ages. Thinking that It cant happen to me, is the easiest way to fall prey to an abusive person.
  • Attractive abuser. Narcissists are famous for looking good in front of others with their charming personality and attractive appearance. During the initial engagement with a narcissist, they tend to become everything the other person is looking for in a partner. They love bomb the person with generous amounts of affection, attention, and gifts. The prospective partner believes this is the real person. But it is not and this shell game can only last so long which is why they move the relationship very quickly into something more permanent.
  • Initial angry outbursts. In the beginning, when the narcissist explodes, it seems so out of character. So the partner easily accepts the narcissistic explanation of blame shifting as an excuse for their behavior. Slowly, the narcissist starts to criticize their partner by saying, You made me so mad. The partner, desperately wanting things to return back to the initial encounters molds themselves into whatever the narcissist says they need. Unfortunately, one transformation is not enough and the narcissist begins to demand more and more.
  • It becomes addictive. The harder it is to please the narcissist, the harder the partner tries. Achieving some small token of gratification becomes a drug of sorts. The partner gets a high out of obtaining even small amounts of the love bombing from before. It is no different than an addiction to a drug. The first trip is the best and every one after that fails by comparison yet the person is hooked so they keep trying over and over. The partner becomes unable to see their own fall in this downward spiral.
  • Addictions have rewards and consequences. The reward of addiction (in this case pleasing the narcissist) is a release of the happy hormone dopamine. This feeling of euphoria can make a person feel they can do anything. By contrast, the consequence of an addiction (when the narcissist becomes abusive) is a flooding of the stress hormone cortisol. This puts a person in fight, flight, freeze, or faint mode and diminishes a persons ability to think straight. It takes a good 36-72 hours for a person to recover fully from this hormone.
  • The addiction is hidden from the addict. Because the partner is not taking a drug, it is very hard to identify that they are even caught in an addictive cycle. This is why the abuse fog becomes so dense and the person is unable to see what is happening. Even when confronted by others outside of the relationship, they still struggle to see what is occurring. Plus, the narcissist tends to isolate the partner from anyone and everyone who might be a threat to them. This makes leaving even harder.
  • Inability to detach. Even when the partner wakes up and tries to leave, the narcissist pulls them back with promises of returning things to the former existence. Because the narcissist has an intense fear of abandonment, they cannot allow a person close to them to leave. And they will do, say, and fake anything they need to just to keep their partner in the relationship. The mask of the narcissists former self comes out again but once again, it is short lived. As soon as the partner has returned, the mask is smashed as the partner is even more ensnared.
  • Addicted to the mask. Even when times get bad, the addiction to the mask of the narcissist is so strong now after all of the reinforcement. The fear that life can never be as good without the mask of the narcissist traps the partner into staying. Just the thought of leaving again causes panic attacks, depression, and even suicidal thoughts. The darker a person gets, the harder it is to take action to leave which is exactly what bonds them to the narcissist.

Let me just say it is difficult to leave. There are a lot of moving parts. Fear, anxiety, failure, just to name a few will dance around in your head. When and IF you do leave, you will feel like it was better with the narcissist, because that’s what’s normal to you. Because trust and believe YOU WILL BE OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE. But with strenght, and hopefully a support of some sort you will learn to live YOUR life. Ok blogged for the day. Sometimes I wish I knew how to write a book. you know because I have such GREAT writing skills. look below my links

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Emotional Effects of Narcissistic People in Long-term Exposure.

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The effects of psychological and narcissistic abuse come with many devastating consequences, but there are two that almost no one knows about unless they’re a doctor or neuroscientist.

In fact, these two outcomes may be the most destructive result of emotional trauma over the long-term and is an added reason why if you have children with a narcissistic partner you should try to leave as soon as reasonably possible.

I grew up in a narcissistic house where one of my parents was a covert narcissist. The covert narcissist is very secretive. No one outside the house hold would even consider entertaining the idea of said person to be a narcissist in any way shape or form. But if you’ve been the target of a covert narcissist, only you know who this person really is. You know the cruel things this person says to you. Only you know the gaslighting this person does to you. I’ve noticed changes within myself that I feel are the effects of this abuse. Please don’t think I’m playing victim here, because I’m not, however I’m blogging this to try and help others to recognise the abuse and know THEY are NOT the problem. I am hoping this will help them to make the changes needed to begin living a normal happy life. But to also seek help because as I wrote in the first part of this blog, long term narcissistic abuse can effect the brain. I am just now learning about this and want to share this for anybody who find themselves in an abusive relationship, or even come to terms with a parent being a narcissist.

I have blogged about how I used to be as a person. I used to be a fun person. I found humor in a lot of situations. I had funny comebacks. I had a mind that was strong. But through the years, I feel like my mind is not as sharp as it used to be. Through the years of having to account, or answer for EVERY detail of why….. Just as an example…. I most often now days just pull my hair up into a ponytail. But from time to time I might just do a half ponytail and leave half down. But when I do that, I get asked why do you have your hair like that? Quite frankly there’s no rhym or reason, I simply wanted to do the half ponytail. But in the mind of a narcissist there IS a hidden reason, and come hell or high water they WILL attach a reason to it; and that’s with EVERY aspect of your LIFE. If you’re the target of a narcissist, your life WILL be scrutinized. With EVERY move you make. You’re criticized on every little thing, and every word you say WILL be held against you. Be it your driving, the way you cook, the clothes you wear. And YOU are certainly held accountable for ANYTHING you say. For example. You say your plan is to try a new recipe for a dessert. BUT the day got away from you and decide to try it another time. Now comes the criticism. YOU didn’t do that new recipe YOU said you was going to try. Now we don’t have dessert after dinner tonight. (But it goes on with) sure would have been nice to try that new recipe. But somebody got lazy and decided not to try it. Maybe she lost her confidence and was afraid it wouldn’t be good. The narcissist means it to be harmful, to make you feel guilty, OH but the moment you try to defend yourself, NOW the narcissist was only kidding. NOW you’re too sensitive, NOW you don’t have to be so defensive. ( gas lighting)

I dislike using the (PTSD) because I really think it’s overused. But When I notice someone is gas lighting another person, (internally) I get so angry. I see and hear it, but I can’t say anything. Because of fear. I don’t want to make waves and create a problem for the other person being gaslighted. But I want to rescue that person, yet I don’t know if this person even realizes what’s really happening.

Other things a narcissist will do is use projection/gaslighting. They use this as distraction from their behavior. One thing a narcissist despise is staying on topic when there is an argument. They will bring up other topics that wasn’t even about the topic at hand. The next thing you know you’re arguing about something that may or may not have even occured. Being raised by a narcissist, as a child is confusing, becoming an adult from being raised by a narcissistic person is just as confusing, because you wasn’t allowed to have boundaries growing up, so you now as an adult have no boundaries. Then because of the way you was raised, you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist. Because of the way you was raised it’s normalized. ( I hope this makes sense) Because I am now trying to make my life make sense.

I tend to get lost in my writing and go all over the place. I’m not even sure if anybody can comprehend what I’m trying to convey in some of my blogs. But here I am killin it. If anything maybe some folks get a good laugh at my writing skills. but at least I made someone smile or laugh. So I’m ok with that. And yes as always here’s my links to a few items I make. Trying to make my hobby a source of income until I hopefully soon get a job. Thanks for reading, and or clicking on my links. In the meantime I’m gonba try and get tiktok famous kidding I know I don’t have the personality to do it.

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Tatoos.

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Today I decided to talk about tatoos. I was born in the 70’s, raised in the 80’s, and became a mom in the 90’s. And in those three decades so much has changed.

Growing up, most often people who had tattoos was usually not good people. Notice I said USUALLY. I say that because as a child growing up you never seen working people with tattoos. Not even in a fast food restaurant. My first job was working at McDonald’s. I used to wear these black bands. There was this one manager who made me take them off. So I did, but after my shift, I put them back on and had them on again at work. She told me I wasn’t allowed to wear them when she’s on duty as manager. All the cool kids wore those black bands. So I’m guessing she didn’t like that trend. But in general back in the day tattoos was considered taboo. Then there was a time when I knew this guy, he was just a friend, he was telling me about a job interview he had to go to. He said he hated looking for work in the summer. I asked him why, and he said because of his tattoos. So me being silly I said do they disappear in the winter? He laughed and said no, but to wear long sleeve shirts to cover my tattoos in the summer sucks because it’s so hot. So I asked why do you cover them? He said because most companies won’t hire you if you have tatoos.

Now a days you see all kinds of profession’s with tattoos. Tattoos on the arm like a sleeve tattoo. Colorful tattoos. People have them on their neck, face, basically any where on their body. It’s almost like IF you don’t have at least one tattoo you’re not “trending”. But I do feel that tattoos are a personal choice, and for each tattoo it should have a meaning, other than ( I like it) I do like tattoos. I have two if them.

I want to get two more, in time I will. The funny thing about one of my tattoos is, my dad was always against tattoos. I didn’t even get my first tattoo until I was 35. I had always wanted a heart with a yellow rose, with a ribbon that has my son’s name in the ribbon. Instead this is what I got.

First tattoo

The photo is a little blurry, but it’s a black hear with a black rose, and two red drops of blood. I have it on my left shoulder blade. The meaning behind that is… When my heart stopped. Not in the literal aspect, but when I made the decision to no longer love. To no longer love and care for the father of my son. The 15 year relationship was unrequited love. Now the other tattoo I have is..

Memorial tattoo

This one is in memory of my dad. Yes he was always against tattoos. This tattoo has a very deep meaning to me. First it’s a dogwood flower. Which of course is from the dogwood tree, which is the state tree in the state of Missouri, where my dad is from. I also had his favorite verse from the bible the KJV Hebrews 11:1

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

Now there’s a legend behind the dogwood tree. In short……………………. The tree used to grow big and tall. The woid from the tree was used to build things. However it was the wood used to crucify Jesus. Because that was the wood used, God cursed, and blessed the tree. The tree was cursed to no longer grow big and tall, but to always be small. The blessing is that the flower on the dogwood us a symbol of rebirth. Now if you look closely at the flower you will notice it’s shaped like a cross. On the tips of the petals you will see shades if dark pink that represents the blood from Jesus being crucified.

So you see I’m not against tattoos, I just feel like they should mean something. There are two more I’d like to get. One is of an anchor. In general the anchor can symbolize hope, steadfastness, calm and composure. The other is a lighthouse, they represent the guidance, refuge, and salvation that characterized the life of Christ.

The funny thing about my first tattoo, my dad didn’t know. I was NEVER going to tell him. In fact I made sure to wear clothing that completely covered my back, so that in no way that tattoo could be seen. BUT my niece who was very young at the time blurted it out. So The story is….. My dad loved to take long walks. From time to time he would ask one of us to join him. Most often it was his way if catching up with us grown kids. So that day it was my sister and her oldest daughter. They was wakking and some how the subject of tattoos came up, and my niece blurted out ” Aunt Bea has a tattoo” my dad was in instant denial. But then one day he popped up at my place, I was running to change when he said stop right there. So I stopped. He told me to turn around so I spent around fast, he said turn slowly, needless to say I knew he knew. He didn’t come right out and ask me uf I had a tattoo. I think it was because he didn’t want me to lie about it. Also he needed to see it. He wasn’t mad about it. He actually liked it.

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Angel Investor

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Start up an E commerce they said. It’s easy they said. It will be a great way to generate income they said. But what they don’t say is how much it cost to do such a thing. I went into this blindly and I am about 8 months in and my vision has not improved. Not my vision for my store, just the ability and know how, and of course the financial vision. I have been blogging for a while, with no clue what to blog about. I do the blogging thing to get people to click on links to shop and hopefully make purchases. Being as I am just starting this, I don’t have a lot of product, but what I do have is a few items on hand that I can do and have to offer. I just can’t get people interested. I have a lot to offer, I just need to get my product seen; and that’s where I have the issue.

I am going to be completely honest here and a bit vulnerable. The honest part is I have no source of income to be able to pay for my site to be promoted. I was able to get some things going I paid for a years worth of an E commerce store, that will be ending in November some time, not exactly sure when but it will end. I was seriously trying to generate a bit of income to be able to stay home and take care of my elderly mother. I am not very comfortable at leaving her here home alone. She does have some health issues, and she just isn’t able to do some things on her own. Still on the honest part. I tend to digress from time to time, and on the honesty part, I am a shameful drop out. Needless to say it wa not by choice, but by circumstances. I regret dropping out of school. If I spell out the reasons, to most it will sound like excuses. When in reality if you’ve never walked in a persons shoes, you shouldn’t judge them. I can honestly say it wasn’t drugs. It wasn’t because I got pregnant in high school. The funny thing about that was I never dated high school boys. But it was due to having a narcissistic mother. I have written blogs about narcissism. The thing is there are several different types of narcissist and the one I was blessed to be raised by is the covert narcissist. Let me just say I love my mom and I will ALWAYS he;p her as best I can. But the fact is she ruined my life. She has 3 children all together. My brother and I are from her first marriage. Her first husband lost his battle with cancer when my brother and I was very young. She remarried 2 years later. Then 3 years later had my younger sister with her second husband. BUT for some reason I will never know I am her target. Most people in my family think I’m crazy or they dismiss my accusations. But they are real, and they are hurtful. But I continue to do my duty as her daughter. I am at the point that I want and need to go back to work. I was laid off JUST before the pandemic hit, and now have been out of work for about 2 years. She tells me she don’t want me to go back to work, because she is used to having some one here with her now. I understand that, but I could go to work overnight that way my brother would be here at night and I could be here during the day. I asked her what happens when you die? She said I was on my own. I said EXACTLY. She would have me stay home with her when I was in high school because she had anxiety attacks. That’s partly the reason I ended up dropping out I was so far behind I didn’t have a chance to catch up. She sits back and watches my every move, and hangs onto every word I say JUST to point out if I miss speak, or make any kind of an error. Now I have had to talk her down from countless anxiety attacks. I’ve had to calm her down over nothing. I have been her voice of reason when she over thinks things and thinks herself into an anxiety attack. ONLY to be dismissed because she’s feeling ok on a given day. I feel like I’ve been raising my mom since I was 15 years old. NOW I digress.

And now I come to the vulnerable part of this blog. I find it hard to ask for help. I think it’s because I’m always the one helping. But I am asking for help. Donations, or even an angel investor. The thing is I want to be able to work at something I love to do. I would love to be able to make crafts and gifts for people to buy for their friends, and family. But as it stands I am out of ideas on how to make this a possibility. Well the fact is I am out of funds. I have ran out my unemployment, and I can’t seem to find a job that works with my hours I would be available. As I stated earlier I would like to be able to stay home and take care of my elderly mother. I’m just not used to not have a source of income. On another vulnerable situation, just before I was laid off I was seeing a doctor, and long story short I was told I tested positive for scleroderma. In short it is chronic hardening and tightening of the skin and connective tissues. Scleroderma is a group of rare diseases that more than often affects women. It commonly occurs between the ages of 30 and 50. My hands swell up quite often and I have a lot of pain in the joints more so when they are swollen. That’s another reason I wanted to get this E commerce business so I can be able to work my own schedule and take the time I need to when my scleroderma is flaring up. Not only can scleroderma affect the skin but it also can affect many internal organs hindering digestive and respiratory functions, and causing kidney failure. There are two main categories of scleroderma: localized and systemic. Each category is make up of several conditions. Localized scleroderma: often affects only the skin and not major organs. However I was laid off shortly after the diagnosis and was never able to do any follow ups. Which is another reason I need a job, or get this E commerce running to where I am making some income to get insurance and follow up on this condition. One thing I have certainly learned is, you have to have money to start a business of any kind, and if anything, I hope if who ever reads this has at least one take away from this blog, it will be that you have to have money to start a business. I don’t care what they advertise about starting for free. I found so many sites that made it sound like you could use their platform for free, but then you had to {upgrade} in order to do more so yeah the sign up is free, you can sign up on many platforms, but you can’t do anything until you UPGRADE! Ok. I think I’ve done enough damage for today, but why not just for fun
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