Depression And Anxiety


I’ve been suffering with depression and anxiety since I was a kid. At the time, I didn’t know what it was. It used to feel like screaming inside and hoping someone would hear it and help me. But no one can hear silent screams.

Depression is not something you can explain – it is most definitely not sadness. Sadness is about crying and feeling. But depression- it’s the absence of feeling, a hollowed feeling.

Silent Screams

Can’t you hear my silent screams?
They are so loud they echo in my dreams.

Behind this face that carries a smile
Lies a dark road that goes on mile after mile.

My silent screams have been going on for years,
But it always falls on so many deaf ears.

How can they hear these silent screams in my mind?
They can’t hear my thoughts if I keep telling them I’m fine.

What can I tell them? These silent screams carry no words.
It’s just feelings of sadness and darkness that come in its herds.

How can I explain so people understand this?
It’s like walking around in a suffocating black mist.

It’s holding on to happiness like holding water in your hands.
It just trickles between your fingers and disappears into the sands.

I can’t explain how this feels; it’s so extreme,
So I hold my mouth shut to cover my silent screams.

This is another poem I came across that I like. It seems to really hit home with me. When I was almost 4 yrs old my real dad lost his battle with cancer. Seeing him laying on the floor is the ONLY image I have of him.

My older brother has memories of him pushing us on a tire swing, and he has other memories. But that’s the only memory I have.

I remember the day he died there was a lot of people in the house. But the one thing I remember most about that day is. I was sitting on the couch, alone, with my face in my hands crying. Oddly I was worried about who was going to pay the bills. Why was THAT on my mind for one thing. But also why was I consoling myself ? Then the next thing I know we’re living in Texas, and my mom has remarried. It’s as if from the passing of my real dad to the remarriage of my mom it was a total blackout to me. The weird part about it is, it’s as if I woke up feeling unloved. I was 6yrs old then. How does a 6 year old come out of a “blackout” feeling unloved?

I was laying in my bed one night and couldn’t go to sleep. I remember my mom was in the shower so I stayed awake waiting for her to come out from the bathroom. She asked me from the doorway of my room why I wasn’t asleep yet. I told her I couldn’t sleep. Her remedy was for me to read a book. But why didn’t she give me affirmation that I am loved? As the years slowly passed, life continued, rather I wanted it to or not. These years are so chaotic. I feel like after my dads passing and my “blackout” I have done nothing but spin my wheels. I hated school, because we moved around so much, I never had a chance to make or have friends. But at the same time, I don’t think I tried to make friends because I didn’t want to bother people. I mean that’s what I THINK happened, because even today, I keep to myself. I am not one to initiate a conversation, but if spoken to I will respond.

As I look back on my personal history, I see a pattern of solitude. Yet I long to be loved. I laugh internally at myself because in truth, I wouldn’t know how to act if I was loved.

I realize NOW that in my younger years I was treading water. If anybody paid any kind of attention to me I jumped on it as if it was my life boat. I was so desperate for love that I was blinded to the small unseen holes in that life boat, and found myself draining the boat with a very small bucket.

I found myself in a 15 year unrequited love relationship. Yet I was determined to make it work. It ended up breaking me. Now at my age I have given up. I have the words (Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be) I now simply go through the motions of life. Kind of a sad existence. There are things that make me feel happy from time to time. I love my son with every ounce of my being. He don’t know it but he’s the reason I keep going. He has always been my rock. I stayed strong for him. When he was young I put on mom mode and acted as if I loved life, I acted JUST as excited as he did when he learned something new. We used to go bug hunting. He never knew, in my solitude I was dead. Hindsight I could have been an actor. When he comes to visit I still put the brave happy front. But I digress. AND I need to start being unproductive.

Actually the house we are living in, the owner has decided to sell it. So I need to get it dressed up for photos. Which has my anxiety up because if he sells it. We may have to move. The owner said he hopes to sell it to another invester. But that don’t mean he wont want us to move. So he can flip the house and sell it again. Funny thing is….when I started this ecommerce thing, I hoped it would grow into something sustainable to eak out a living. But Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be

But just incase. Here are links

When I Die


I stumbled across this poem, a few years ago and needless to say I like it. I like poetry, but I am no poet. I just wanted to share this poem.

I try to talk to my son because I know he will be the one making arrangements for my services. He never wants to talk about it. He says he can’t think about my death. I know it’s not an easy subject for most people. But it is a reality that we are all going to die. I just feel that if we make plans a head if time it will be easier for the person who is doing the arrangement to know what to do. Because one thing I know is, these funeral homes will certainly play on the loved ones emotions. I plan to be cremated. Theres no need for a grave site, and the whole head stone and all of that. I always tell him my play list for my services. There wont be the typical funeral music in the background of my funeral. The only thing I’ll leave for him to do is write my eulogy. That is something that has to come from a persons own experience of how I made them feel. My one hope is that no matter what, but when people I have came across in my lifetime I always try to make fond memories or at least a pleasant experience. Most often times people wont remember you for what you say, but for how you made them feel.

Do not stand at my grave and weep
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there.

Life And Death


I have so many thoughts that run through my mind while idle. My dad used to say idle hands is the devils workshop. I always understood it to mean stay busy. Find something to do and basically if you find yourself having bad or negative thoughts get busy, clean a room or rearrange the furniture just do not entertain those thoughts because that’s the devil.

There’s one thing I want to make clear here. I believe in God PERIOD. Not because I was raised to believe in him, but because of many factors in my life tells me he is real.  I am ok if you don’t believe in God that’s your choice. I will not try to force my beliefs on you and I ask that you don’t force your disbelief on me.  I will pay someday you see God’s glory.

Just because I say I believe in God, that  does not by any means, mean I don’t have my struggles. I question so many things. The answers are there, but in all honesty  I am either too lazy or scared to find the answers. Those reasons still do not negate my belief in God. We all have the questions of…..if God is all knowing then why…….

  • Why is there cancer?
  • Why is there famine?
  • Why are children suffering?
  • Why does YOUR God allow suffering?
  • Why don’t God end all wars?
  • Why didn’t God stop the car crash?
  • Why doesn’t God kill the devil?
  • Why does God allow people to have pain? {emotional and physical}
  • Why does God NOT answer your prayers?


This is just some of the questions I can think of that I get from the people who don’t believe in God. I am no bible scholar, or no historian researcher. I am nothing more than your average Jane Doe trying to live life. There are a few things I reflect on with some of my learning’s from the bible. It’s my understanding that Jesus is the son of God and he was sent here to be the ultimate sacrifice for our sins. {there’s so much more to it than JUST that} but Jesus said that the Apostle Peter would disown him 3 times before the rooster crows. There are many reasons that he disowned Jesus. From my young and naive understanding it was because Jesus was such a good man, He could heal the sick, bring the dead back to life with the explanation that he was only sleeping. So {in my understanding} Jesus did not deserve to die and certainly not in the manner that he was killed. I questioned why would a loving Father do such a thing to his child? But as usual I digress this is not what I wanted to write about.

I was wanting to express thoughts, sometimes when you don’t have a person to talk to about thoughts I find it better to write them. There are times when I try to articulate my thoughts they don’t make sense when I speak them.

So this life and death thing that I want to elaborate on.  No I’m not going on the   “philosophical” What is the meaning of life? or What is the/my purpose in life? Those questions are played out. {in my opinion} my thing is what happens when you’re still alive, but life in you is not? What if you’re in like a {purgatory} in life, and until you figure out why you, will stay there?  Not sure if purgatory is the exact word I should use, but it’s the word that comes to mind. I feel like I have lived this life and I know what it has to offer.  I feel like I have tread water to keep my head above the water but have gained no real ground to stand on.

I take responsibility for my bad decisions. But it feels like ironically when I try to make amends for my poor decisions the universe is against me and laughing at me {not in a literal sense} I’ve spoke on my decision to drop out of high school, I’ve also said I’m not proud of my decision,and how much I regret it. Hind sight is always 20/20.

Side note if there are any young folks reading this { even if it is for a good laugh} my advice to you is do not quit school.

But I still stand on the idea that once the basics are learned, lets start focusing on the future as far as skills, and start preparing the students for actual trade school, or even college. We know not EVERY  person can be the CEO of a corporation. I know back when I went to school there was different classes as far as for the students. Not different as far as Math, reading. science and so on I’m talking different as far as intelligence of the students. Of course I didn’t know this until halfway through high school, and I still don’t know how the teachers differentiated the students as far as putting t hem into what class, but I know of a few friends that had some sort of a prep classes for college. NOT A one of my teachers EVER spoke to the students as a whole about preparing for college.

What are the determining factors for a student to get into college prep classes? Why was  not all students given the same opportunity?  again I digress.

I don’t know what to do, or where to go. I have raised my son, in essence he no longer needs me. I know how that sounds, but that is the intent when you raise your children. You raise them to no longer need you. It’s not a bad thing. We will not live for forever { right now it seems like it} Part of parenting is teaching  your child to be self sufficient.

As I said, what if the life inside you is no longer, but according to science you’re not dead? IS there an in between living and death? What is that called? Not the UNdead, or the living dead. is there a name for that stage of existence? Is this an example of what happens when you die? I have never had a fear of death. But I have always been curious about it.

For example when we finally leave this earth, do we really see our loved ones that have passed on before us? Will they know us? What about the ones who passed before we was born? I know I’m not the only one who thinks about these things.  Well maybe in my family I might be but I know I’m not the only one in the world that thinks about these things. There was a phrase in a movie I watched years ago and that phrase has stayed etched in my mind every since then. the quote is…..

I will have a wish for death long before death finds me

I have wished for death a very long time. I am not suicidal lets get that clear right now. Thou shall not kill. even if it’s suicide it is still a killing. I know there at least 3 unforgivable sins.

  • Blasphemy against the Holy Spirit
  • Apostasy a willful defection from the faith
  • receiving the mark of the beast

Now y’all please don’t think I’m some holy roller yelling at everybody to get saved, or calling out their sins. Because you can trust I have plenty of my own sins to atone for. Straight is the gate,  and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.

I know the bible talks about hell, there for I know there must be such a place.  My dad used to say I know I’m going to heaven because I’ve lived in hell on earth

There was one thing my dad used to say that I didn’t understand for a long time, but now I get it crystal clear. He used to say you’re supposed to rejoice at passing and weep at birth. Now I understand it very well. The tears for a birth is the beginning life and all the ups and downs. But to rejoice is ones passing is they no longer have to worry. They no longer have to deal with this thing called life. The irony of this is when ever there is a death I still cry. I jokingly say they are the lucky ones. But then as I write this maybe that’s why I cry, because I am still here dealing with life, and that’s when I think it’s Gods way of punishing me. Because I know God will provide you what you need not what you want.

well there’s that thought out in the open. Now maybe I can be productive for the rest of the day. now that I got that off my chest.

Continue reading “Life And Death”

No Longer Able To Play The Optimist.


There’s a monster inside of me, eating away at my smile,
He takes all my sadness and makes a file.

These files are all stacked up in my brain.
Now my whole life just consists of pain.

It’s such a problem that I can’t sleep.
Nothing works…not even counting sheep.

When I’m in public I hide my tears.
It’s been this way for several years.

I hide my sadness behind a fake smile,
But the pain won’t go away…not for a while.

The hardest part is hiding when I cry.
It makes me feel like I’m going to die.

I feel like I’m slowly going insane,
But I am not the one to blame…

Blame the monster.
He goes by the name…Depression.

I’m just waiting for the monster to go to sleep now.

My Personal Struggle With Obesity Day???


Don’t believe my words;
they’re lies that I fabricate to
project a perfect life and
convince you I’m okay. Don’t trust the smile you see;
it’s a facade to conceal
searing pain, acute shame,
sheer heartache.

Don’t get fooled by my laughter;
it is merely an echo
of hollow insides, yearning
for senses to return.

Don’t get convinced by my clarity and order;
borne in attempt to
control the chaos
and pacify the storm brewing inside.

Don’t be blinded by
The perfection I exude,
The courage I fake,
The innocence I feign,
The confidence I wear-
For I am broken.

So apparently I am not always consistent. but then again I knew that and now my few readers are going to know that about me.


  1. the reason or reasons one has for acting or behaving in a particular way.

Continue reading “My Personal Struggle With Obesity Day???”

My Personal Struggle With Obesity Day 5 & 6


It’s just a day shy of being a week on this journey. Motivation is certainly an elusive little thing.

So weekends are different so to say. However, I ironically and unplanned only had one meal one each day of the weekend. Ok so during the week my son is at his place, but usually on Fridays he comes to my place to sleep and go to work from my place. That’s so that on Friday he can bring his clothes and lunch bowls for me to wash. Because on Sundays I cook his lunch for the week. I usually cook him a pot of brown rice with peas and carrots, a pot of pinto beans, and a chicken medley that has sweet potatoes, zucchini, yellow squash bell pepper and broccoli and those are his items he takes during the week for his lunch.

So in a previous post he wanted me to make pulled beef. (It’s usually called pulled pork) but we don’t eat pork so we use beef instead. Now I searched 3 different stores Friday for this piece of beef to no avail. Explained to my son about not being able to find it. He said well try tomorrow (Saturday) and if not no worries. Long story short I found it Saturday. So we had shredded beef on a baked potatoe with bbq sauce it was delicious. And yes that was the only meal I ate that day.

So now we are on Sunday. I wake up early because I needed to go to the store and get a few items to make my son’s meal prep for the week. Now one thing I should make clear here is this… My son works mid shift his hours are 1p.m to 9:30 p.m so when he comes over on weekends we’re usually awake until 2 a.m talking catching up on current events. So those to nights are late nights for me. But ironically I still wake up relatively early. But Sunday I woke up at 5 a.m to have my coffee and get to the store early enough to get back and prep the lunch before he was going to leave. BUT I didn’t know I was out of a seasoning. Sooooo here I go BACK to the store ggggrrrr. So I got everything done. Kiddo wakes up we have coffee together. You know it’s the little things I cherish with my son. Like having coffee out on the front porch. Late night conversations when he comes over on Fridays. And as I think about these current conversations I’m reminded that this is something we have ALWAYS done. When he was younger, we used to have late night conversations well it was his bedtime, but we would talk about random things. Like for example we would talk about Power Rangers. The different ones and what their special powers are. Or we would talk about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and of course Pokemon would fall into the mix from time to time. Now I honestly knew very little about said subjects because I was a working mom. But I would engage with him in these conversations. Of course as he grew older our conversations would change according to his age and interests.

I remember once when his dad and I was together he told me he was jealous of our relationship ( me and our son) I asked him why, and he said because you two are close and I wish I had that with him.

Side note his dad had a drinking problem. There would be times he would go a long time and not touch a drop of beer or alcohol. Then the next thing you know he’s binge drinking. He would drink 3 to 4 (18 packs) of beer a day and chase it with tequila. We (my son and I) HATED those times. Because he wouldn’t sleep for however many days he was drinking. Of course when he “confessed” his jealousy he was already in drink mode. But I told him that IF you would stop ONLY thinking of YOU, there’s a great chance you could STILL build a trusting relationship with your son. But this man only thought about himself. When ge had free time, you could find him chasing skirts instead of chasing a relationship with his son. But I digress.

So Sunday night I went to sleep about 2 a.m and got up at 5 a.m. I know I need coffee before I can even think about functioning. And it has to be 2 cups. The first cup is just to have the wonderful taste of that bold rich smooth taste of coffee. The second one is the wake up cup. THEN I’m ready to somewhat function. Long morning short my son left about 12:30 to take his stuff home and spend some time with his girlfriend. So after he left I took a nap. Mind you I hadn’t ate except for some rice chips. I planned to sleep only an hour. But I ended up sleeping for 4 hours. Which made for a long night last night.

My goodness I have rambled on so long here. I think my train if thought has jumped the track hate when that happens. I know this is supposed to be about my struggle with obesity.

So let me just say my plan for today. I’ve had my 2 cups of coffee. I will not be walking today as it looks like rain . But I do have a plan to workout. Also I will be making myself a menu for a 1200 calorie diet. I know I should reduce the amount of calories in order to lose weight, and since I’m not as active as I used to be I’m not burning calories as much. So theres that. Tomorrow I will lay out my menu plan. You’re more than welcome to use that as guide if anyone who reads this is looking for menu ideas. So theres my ramble for today. See y’all tomorrow stay safe and of course here’s my links.

My Personal Struggle With Obesity Day 4


I was going to get up early have my coffee, then……

So yesterday was wasted. My son was telling me he wanted BBQ beef baked potato when he comes over this weekend. So I planned on getting up early, have my coffee, then take my walk and got to the store and get all the stuff needed for this bbq beef tater.

I told mom that I was going to the store tomorrow (meaning yesterday Friday) she said she needed to go to the bank. Well because of THAT I changed my plan for walking. Now usually she’s ready to go out and about by 10:30 But yesterday I guess she needed to watch her soaps. Apparently there was someone who was about to be exposed for their cheating, or their lies, or maybe the wife was about to catch her husband red handed cheating, or vice versa, anything is possible on those crap shows. Now once those start she’s in them form 11:00 to 1:00. Now, while I’m waiting for her to get ready to go I made a couple Tree Of Life hoops. They’re small but cute.

Tree of life

I want to make bigger ones, but I can’t find bigger hoops. But I digress.

So her soaps are over, I hear her come out of her room, I’m thinking she’s ready, but NOOO she started a load of wash seriously? Ok now I’m thinking she’s going to get dressed. Now it’s 2:00 p.m. Now just so you know, I hadn’t eaten all this time, because I was planning on having a healthy lunch and a small light dinner. But NOW it’s 2:00 p.m. and no sign of rather she’s ready to go to the store. Now I did remind her in the morning that I was STILL planning on going to the store, and asked did she still want to go with. She responds with ” yes I still need to go to the bank”

The thing is, the other day when I told her I was going to take a walk, she asked me where was I going to walk. I told her the park that about a block or two away. Sge said I wish I could walk with you, but I can’t. I agreed and said yeah it would be nice, but you get tired just walking in the stores, there’s no way you could walk on the terrain at the park. THEN we have this frustrating discussion about I don’t want her tagging along. Now of course if I’m going to take a walk for the sake of a workout NO! I really don’t want you tagging along because I’m not taking a stroll through the park. I’m walking with intent to increase my heart rate, so I WILL be walking fast. At least in my mind I will be walking fast. I completely understand she is up in her years, when we do go lut and about together I stay right with her. I stand behind her as she gets into her car. I go into the stores looking for a scoiter to bring to her. I am her personal taxi. But apparently when I try to have “me” time, I don’t want her around, or tagging along But then again this is coming from a person who DOES NOT LIKE BEING ALONE. Where as for me……I CHERISH my solitude. Cleary we are complete opposite.

Now she knows me. She knows I avoid crowds as much as I can. I ALWAYS try to get to the stores before the masses.

So now I’m frustrated and I go to her room and ask did she want to go to the bank at anytime BEFORE they close. Her response ALMOST sent me over the edge. BUT first, because she’s my mom I held back. Her response was…… “I’m waiting on you.”

Now a little background info. My wonderful mom way back in the 80’s had her gall bladder removed due to having gall stones. Now every since then, her digestive track is unpredictable. Sometimes, right after she has her breakfast she has to (take care of business) other times it take hours for said event. So I had told her we’ll wait until you (handle you business) AND that’s why I almost lost it. Because I’m not going to go and ask her has she done the deed because I don’t want her to feel pressured. She KNOWS that about me. I certainly wouldn’t want someone asking me all morning if I’ve…….. Knowing I’m the hold up until….

So I took a deep breath and said I was waiting for you to handle your business without putting pressure on you.

So finally 2:30 p.m we’re going to the store. And to top it off…..there’s no small trimmed brisket for the pulled beef. so I decided I would try another store. But mom is pickling up stuff here and there, asking me do we need this, that and the other. Then she says what are you going to do about the brisket? I told her I was going to go to Walmart. So we finished up at Krogers and went to Walmart, they didn’t have it there, so I decided to go to the super Walmart still no luck. So we made it back home. No sweet potatoes and no pulled beef.

NOW today Saturday my son wants me to try today and find it, but he don’t leave until 11:00 for work AND the fact that it’s Saturday means ALL the stores are going to be crowded. THEN if I’m lucky enough to find one, it’s going to take a few hours to cook. I may not get back till God knows when.

So I’ve decided weekends will be no walking, but ONLY Saturdays will be my “free” day as far as diets and workouts go.

Ok that’s my blog (vent) for todays blog as always here’s links to my little shop.

My Personal Struggle With Obesity Day 3


So I managed to get out of the house and walk. I only walked a half mile, but I will do more tomorrow because I’ll have my head phones and will have music.

I had a Nature Vally bar for breakfast, I drank 3 bottles of water throughout the day. Which is good for me as I don’t usually drink water.

I had rice cake chips for lunch. And my steak and salad. But today I’m going to change it up a bit. I’m goig to have grilled or baked chicken with sweet tater fries (air fried) and a salad.

To be honest, my weight loss battles could be more aptly described as half-hearted tussles. Occasionally, I have managed to lose some weight, only to find it has snuck up on me again while I wasn’t looking! But I also haven’t lost my sense of humour, which is a good thing.

That’s day 3 in a nutshell I’ll begin my day now. Yall bbe safe

My Personal Struggle With Obesity Day 2


So yesterday was a trying day. I did not workout, but I managed to fast the entire day until dinner. I think I enjoyed the salad better than I did the steak.

Soon as I finish this quick blog I will be taking a walk. To be honest the reason I didn’t do any form of exercise is because I felt tired, due to not eating, combined with depression. So I just stayed in bed.

I’m pretty sure I’ve had this depression crap for years, but since I’m not working now and I have time on my hands I tend to remind myself of all my failures. When I was working I didn’t have time to think, I just kept pushing forward. Go to work, get home do what needs to be done around the house. Cook clean wash clothes raise my son. You know life in general.

So now I’m trying to take this “free” time and make it “time” for me. But that number 74 is a pretty big number. With that weight loss goal, I have a question. How often should I weigh myself? OR should I look for different signs? Like my clothes fitting better or loosely? What are some good healthy snack items? I did buy some rice cakes I heard those are a good snack item, they have flavored ones now. But I don’t want to live on salad’s everyday as a meal. I will be looking into other healthy foods. I plan to try sweet potato french fries cooked in an air fryer, and zucchini fries as well. But let me be honest here vegetables are NOT my favorites

Ok short and sweet. But I look forward to any and all suggestions

I will still put my plug in for my failed ecommerce but just keep in mind I can make any color you want on those wreaths. I can make a personal photo on the coffee mugs. And the same with the aprons. Just contact me for any questions. Thanks have a great day.

My Personal Struggle With Obesity


I have not had a theme for any of my blogs. Basically just rambling thoughts. However I think I’m going to leave my comfort zone. I’m going to hold myself accountable and start a weight loss journal.

Since I have been out of work, and lets just go ahead and throw the pandemic in here, I have gained some weight. I have always struggled with weight. Society has this idea of what we should look like, but I really just want to be at a healthy weight. So here I go.

  • Day one 5/12/2021
  • Weight 214.2

My goal weight.. Is140.00. My target weight loss is 74lbs.

So far this morning I’ve only had 2 cups of coffee. Today my plan is to fast. Now I don’t know much about the keto, or intermittent fasting, so basically I’m going to wing it. I plan to make healthier choices. I plan to have a steak and salad tonight for dinner and that will be my only meal for today. I will however be drinking plenty of water, and tea.

I have learned that sugar is the culprit. I shamefully admit I have a sugar addiction. I crave sweets and when I have them I WILL NOT STOP eating it until it’s gone. I’m not proud of that fact. But knowing it is part of the battle. Now I plan to stop eating sugery foods. But as a sourherner I will NEVER drink unsweetened tea (that’s blasphemy) and I will continue putting sweetener in my coffee. It’s way to bitter with out. However I think cutting, or weaning myself off sugar by NOT eating candy, cakes, and icecream is a good start. BABY STEPS.

I’ll be back tomorrow with an update, and what I did if I worked out.