Covert

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Not openly acknowledged or displayed.

Even people without an extensive knowledge of mental health concerns have likely heard of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)

“narcissist” is often used casually to refer to people who don’t necessarily have a diagnosis of narcissism if they appear to have some narcissistic traits, such as grandiose delusions, low empathy, arrogance, and a need for admiration.

Portrayals of characters with narcissism in movies and television have also increased the condition’s notoriety. While depicting characters with mental health issues in the media can help increase awareness, it can also create problems. In the case of narcissism, much of what’s seen in popular culture rests heavily on stereotypes associated with grandiose and malignant narcissism. If people with narcissism aren’t portrayed as outright villains, they’re typically portrayed as toxic or harmful individuals.

If you’ve had a close relationship with someone who has NPD, you might agree that many of these stereotyped traits have truth to them. Still, it’s important to recognize that NPD can occur in varying degrees of severity, occurs on a spectrum, and can present in different ways. As a result, you may not always recognize someone has narcissism, especially if they live with a less-known subtype such as covert (vulnerable) narcissism.

Covert narcissism is also known as shy, vulnerable, or closet narcissism.

Covert narcissism often involves a more internalized experience. People with these traits still feel unappreciated, need admiration, have contempt for those they consider inferior, and believe they should get special treatment. But instead of displaying outward grandiosity, they may privately fantasize about having their special qualities recognized or getting revenge on people they believe have slighted or wronged them in some way.

SIGNS OF COVERT NARCISSISM

Not every person with some or all of the listed traits will have any type of NPD, but the following characteristics may help identify covert narcissism in people who meet criteria for NPD.

  • A reserved or self-effacing attitude
  • Humility or a tendency to put themselves down
  • Smugness or quiet superiority
  • passive aggressive behavior
  • Envy of others and/or feeling that they deserve what other people have
  • A lack of empathy for the feelings or situations of other people
  • A tendency to step in and help others out of a desire for recognition

I chose to blog about the “covert” narcissist because this is the one I have personally dealt with. As a child growing up with a parent “on the spectrum” of narcissistic behavior I never knew what to expect yet knew what would happen. If that makes sense.

There’s a few memories that come to mind as I think back on my childhood. I remember it was my Granny’s birthday and mom made her a cake. Mom told me to carry the cake as we was heading out the door to take the cake to Granny. She told me NOT to drop it. What did I do? I dropped it. THAT was a never ending chastise. She yells at me saying things like why did you drop it? I told you not to drop the cake. Now a quick fast forward my son was in the kitchen making himself a smoothie. ( he was trying a new recipe and was measuring everything per recipe request) he washed the measuring cup, then turned to dry it, but he dropped it in the process. I just happen to be there in the kitchen, I turned around saw the look of disappointed on his face, a kind of sadness because he dropped the measuring glass. A quick flashback of when I dropped something came to me, I looked at my son and asked are you ok? I knew he was barefoot so I said don’t move, I grabbed the broom and dust pan to sweep up the glass. As I was doing it he was beating himself up about dropping the measuring glass. I simply told him it’s just a measuring glass, no big deal. We can replace it. Accidents happen.

Because I know how it feels when you drop something and get yelled at for it, you already feel bad because of a mistake you made, theres no need to add fuel to the shame you already have.

There I go giving in depth explanations on things. I have realized that I tend to do that because of arguments with me trying to explain to mom about my feelings on anything. Or trying to have a productive conversation and find a happy medium in our disagreements. I would spin my wheels trying to get her to at least acknowledge my feelings or thoughts or ideas. I didn’t know THEN what I know now.

I think a part of the reason my mom has narcissistic tendencies is for one, she is the first born. BUT there was some miscarriages before my mom was born. Fortunately I have never had a miscarriage, but I imagine it’s devastating. So when you finally carry full term that baby is so important to you. Although my mom is the first of 6 children. However my mom suffered from asthma as a child growing up. Which leads me to lean towards WHY she has cover narcissistic tendencies. Back in the 40’s and 50’s medicine was no where near as advanced as it is today. Just as an example, when mom had a cholecystectomy they cut her from just under her chest down to the bottom of her stomach. Where as now it’s just 3 little incisions. That’s just one example of how medicne and medical practice has advanced. So back then asthma attacks were more dangerous and scary; and there is no doubt in my mind that when mom got sick with asthma the world according to Granny stopped until mom got through the asthma attack. There for creating the covert narcissist. I mean who doesn’t like being nurtured and cared for, being catered to your every need at the drop of a hat. As a child you enjoy the attention for sure. But unbeknownst to anyone it can create a sense of entitlement. Because that was normal as a child to be catered to. I don’t know if I can articulate this into words but I will do me best. However when a person is ill especially a child of course you as a parent will cater to the sick child. Of course that child will love and enjoy the attention. Now the child is better and things go back to normal. But said child is wanting attention so the child will feign an illness. Trust me if you have a child we all know the tricks of the trade. And I know how it seems like a reach, but understand the covert narcissist is the one who secretly enjoy admiration, they use manipulation, and self pity.

I am in no way saying that’s THE only recipe to the creation of narcissism. There is no direct correlation to any reasoning behind or how a person becomes or is a narcissist.

Ok that’s enough for today. But I leave you with these 2 videos. I thought they was pretty funny

https://simplegifts.gift/160f7f7f27b3a92f7b5431c28eb52878-mp4/
https://simplegifts.gift/b2cda8ed19771b349dd6a8af5668b20e-mp4/

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https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

Narcissistic Parent, or Partner, relationship.

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I have already been fighting rather or not to post this. The title alone gives me anxiety. Because of the thought of being seen. I will push myself to do this blog.

To start with, you absolutely cannot have a mature open “safe” conversation with a narcissist. They hear EVERY word you say, but they never really listen to what you’re trying to convey. Let me give an example. Very early in our merging to all live together, my brother (one of the golden children) had a pretty heavy drinking problem. But before I go on, let me give kudos to him because he has settled down from the drinking and that deserves to be recognized. BUT we was living in apartments; those, like most apartments have rules about loud music and so on. Well I for one don’t like problems. But my brother when he’s drinking, like many others throw caution to the wind. So at one point when my brother slept off the nights liquor I asked him to please stop with the loud music because we will get evicted. His response was he could go live in his truck. So I asked what about mom, aaaaand she just had to interject, by saying ” I’m sorry I’m such a burden to you”

Of course that’s not at all what I was saying, but now the conversation has turned to being about mom, rather than the issue of my brothers drinking. (Gaslighting) Because NO ONE says ANYTHING to her golden child. So she redirects the conversation. And makes it about her.

There are a lot of moving parts when dealing with a narcissist person, but it gets pretty confusing with a parent who has narcissistic tendencies. Because with many of the articles I have came across the narcissistic person would never admit that THEY might be the problem.

There are times when I feel like I have to give in depth detail explaining something, because ( hindsight) I was purposely missunderstood. I realize that I tend to do that in my blogs. I get told that I don’t make any sense. I have been told I’m too sensitive. As long as I can be the butt of the “jokes” it’s all gravy.

There are several types of narcissistic people. So first of all some of the common traits of a narcissistic personality, is a person feels more important than others. They have an unreasonable sense of entitlement.

Overt Narcissist. An overt narcissist is proud of their ability to manipulate and control others.

Covert Narcissist. Covert narcissist are not as open or direct about their means of manipulation. They tend to use methods like, passive-aggressive, or guilt-tripping, or emotional manipulation. For example, a cocert narcissist may manipulate, by putting them down, and deprive them of their emotional needs.

Classic Narcissist. A classic narcissist thrive off of praise and administration of others. They crave being and value being the center of attention.

Vulnerable narcissist. Vulnerable narcissist seek attention by seeking pity from others. They will often guilt-trip the people in their lives to bend to what they want. Their ability to manipulate the thoughts, feelings and actions of others is an ego trip for them. Their behavior tends to be subtle, so it can be difficult to spot the signs. Vulnerable narcissists are considered to be covert narcissist. Their symptoms lie in their subtle manipulative behavior. Their sense of self-worth relies heavily on the attention they get from others. These are just a few of the many types of narcissistic people.

I of course am still learning about narcissism, and the many different types. Still learning and healing from a combination of these types of behavior.

To be honest, once you realize it was never YOU, and you now know what kind of a person you’re dealing with; you seriously need to take a step back, be objective, and decide your self worth, and make a decision rather or not YOU are ok with the way things are happening in that relationship. Because it’s easier to heal from narcissistic abuse IF your not exposed to it constantly. And yes it’s easier to do when it’s a romantic involvement than it is with a parental involvement. Believe you me, I ended up in a 15 year relationship with a narcissistic person. It took me a long time JUST to get the courage to leave, let alone cut all contact.

So I have said enough for now about toxic relationships. You all have a nice day.

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https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

Invading An Introvert

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Invading an introvert who ALWAYS has someone around them can be exhausting to said introvert.

I call myself an introvert, but I didn’t used to be that way. Yes I am a shy person. I’m quiet until I know you, until I get a read on the type of personality you have. I will then act according to your personality.

That being said, I used to think of myself as a fun person. I mean I didn’t act crazy, but I used to be fun to hang out with. But when you’re dealing with a narcissistic parent, who is CONSTANTLY watching your EVERY move, or attitude, if I show that I’m in a good mood I get ” what you so happy about?” So now I do my best to guard my feelings and emotions. Seems this person is most happy when I’m angry or depressed. Now the owner of this duplex we are living in wants to sell it.

We are three adults living in a 3 bdr 2 bth duplex. We basically have two house holds here. Some years back my mom came to live with my brother. They was doing fine. I was still raising my son at the time, so she decided to go live with my brother since he was single. Then my brother lost his job, and wasn’t able to get another one sooooooo they came to live with me and my son. It was to be just until they get on their feet again. But for some reason, my brother wasn’t able to hold a job for any length of time. Long story short its almost 15 years later and we are still together. Mostly because mom is getting up in her years and I don’t feel comfortable with her being alone. Now my brother is working and I am not. So I am staying home taking care of mom. I just pray my brother can hold this job.

So my title is about invading an introvert. So because the owner is putting this place on the market some people came by to take pictures. I hated that because this place is so small, it’s crowded. But it’s crowded with stuff that’s not even used, or broken; but they will not discard ANYTHING. I could make a list of how much stuff is here, that we don’t use. But I won’t These folks are border line hoarders. My brother has 3 storages he’s been paying on for for almost 20 years. He keeps saying he’s going to do something with it. But I would think that after 20 years it’s time to move on. He has at least 2 SUV’s in a storage for why, I don’t know. I used to watch hoarders, but it got to the point you seen one you’ve seen them all, it’s just a matter of what items they’re hoarding. But in watching that fake reality show it was almost always the same psychological issue. And that was abandonment. That’s what made them hoard stuff. Now my brother and I lost our real dad to cancer when I was almost 4 yrs old, my brother was 7 yrs old. My brother says he has memories of dad. He remembers an old tire swing dad used to push us on, along with others. I on the other hand only remember seeing him lying on the floor. I knew he was dead.

I know people deal with traumatic situations in different ways. I really don’t know what my brother was thinking or feeling that day.

I can only speculate what mom was feeling. Now that I’m older, I understand things differently. As a child, I had no choice but to go with the flow so to say. But as I look back on so many events leading up to where I am now. I learned lessons in hindsight rather than in the moment.

One of my things I have been enlightened on is my mom. I love her dearly. But I believe she has narcissistic tendencies if not, a person with narcissistic personality disorder. So my mom has 3 children her oldest is a boy then there’s me (I’m a girl) then nine and a half years later she had my sister with her second husband. But me, well if you let her (mom) tell it, I was her “rebel” child. I was her most challenging child. Which may be true. I did question many of her reasons for not allowing me to do things. Like spend the night over at friends, or cousins house. Why just about anything I wanted to do was ( no ) her only two ansers was ” because I said so, or because I’m your mother”

Being as I feel like I was, and still am her target. I have looked into this type of behavior and personality. Just about every article or book I read; the key take away was leave said narc. Cut off all ties. No contact with this person. That’s a task all in it’s own when you’re in a romantic relationship with a narc. (Been there done that) but not so easy as the child of the narc. Yes you grew up with the abuse of a parent who is a narc. The, never ending battles. And YES they are never ending because anything at anytime you say or do the narc has a memory of said (assault) and will remind you of it ONLY to fuel the fire of a nonsensical argument. JUST to make said narc happy; because now you are upset, angry, or frustrated and THAT’S just what the narc wanted. BUT because this person is your parent you love them. Yes it is a toxic love, it is a toxic parent child relationship. But growing up with another “parent” who was the step dad and a man of faith. He was consistent in everything he said or did. I was taught to honor thy mother and thy father. I wanted to be the good girl soooo I did as my dad told me. I respected my parents as best I could. But I wanted to learn things, understand why the answer was always no. But according to mom I was not honoring her. Because many times when I questioned her reasons it turned into an argument, and the classic ” honor thy mother and father” would get tossed in the mix. Now comes the guilt for questioning the parent.

I think that every child can’t WAIT to grow up. Have their own place and be able to make their own rules in their home. I know I couldn’t wait. But and here comes a hindsight lesson. I wanted to get away from home so bad, I basically made a bad decision and ended up with a narcissistic “boyfriend”. The thing is we tend to migrate to what is familiar to us ( meaning abuse) just in a different form. I know some people think it’s crazy; but there are so many moving parts to this abusive situation that if you’ve not experienced it, or researched ( so to say) most of this will be incomprehensible. ( unless you’re a psychiatrist of some sort)

But that’s a blog for another day. So I was invaded so to say today. Not really because we had made an appointment to have these photos taken so the owner can put it on the market. But due to rain we had to reschedule. We did and TODAY was the day. Now I’m at the table working on my sewing machine. She was fussing about how the house looked nasty. ( it didn’t) it’s just small and cluttered. But that hit a nerve on me. Because when I do reorganize all this stuff, she sees that I did, and she will study the shelves, looking for SOMETHING to ask where it is. Mind you it’s not been used since it was bought years ago, BUT she wants to know where it is. AND it has to be within arms reach. But when she said it ( the house looks nasty) the people for the photos knocked on the door, and instead of addressing mom on the issue, the lady and gentleman received my wrath. I hastily opened the door and said come on in and see our filthy home. I was so upset because of what was said that I took it out on the wrong people, and now I feel bad.

I did a blog on introverts, extroverts and ambiverts. I posed the question asking if people are born to be one of the three, or can they grow into or out of the three. I’m not even sure I am an introvert; but starting to think I have guarded my emotions for so long that fear, anger and or frustration are the only ones that can seep through. If I show excitement, or a sense of feeling happy, I have to explain why I’m in a good mood. Good gawd do you NEED a reason to feel happy, or excited? Most times I try to be accommodating to people, but if I do that in front of mom as soon as those people leave, she lays in on me for something I said, or did. She takes great pleasure in belittling me.

Ok I have vented enough for today.

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

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I Hurt When I Look at You: A Poem About Mother and Daughter

It hurts when I look at you

You chin raised so high

So full of self-virtue

You don’t hear my cry

Your eyes full of judgement

As you survey around

Your lips spill your disappointment

As my confidence you pound

Your words so critical

Delivered with a smile

Your opinion of me brutal

Your own child you revile

For years I have tried

To earn more than your love

Needing your friendship, respect and pride

And receiving none of the above

Locked together by blood

Our family ties tight

What should be ours sacred

Has been killed by the never-ending fight

So please believe me when I say

That our time has reached its end

I never meant for it to be this way

But my life I’m no longer willing to defend

I miss what we could have had

But it was only a dream

I like my life good or bad

And no longer look to gain your esteem

It hurts when you look at me

Wanting to be close

And knowing we never will be

Not mother and daughter… now only foes

Here’s another poem I came across. The writer touched on every aspect of having a narcissistic parent.

When you don’t understand, or don’t know what narcissism is, you will forever spin your wheels trying to appease a narcissistic person. It’s difficult for a child to even comprehend what is going on. Not to mention that it is so very damaging to a child growing up in that environment. That child will grow up confused. To say the least.

I have JUST recently delved into reading and researching about Narcissistic personality disorder. Let me just say it is rather complicated. Because first and foremost a narcissistic person would NEVER admit there might be a problem with them. No no no! It will ALWAYS be the other persons fault.

As far as reading up on this subject. I have learned a few tricks. I have responded differently towards this person. Which has helped with having fewer full blown arguments. Because bottom line is you will NEVER win an argument (debate) with a narcissistic person. That is their passion to argue. They love to argue so they can say mean hurtful things to belittle you, and discard you. ( for the time being) Then they shower you with love JUST enough for you to let your guard down. ALL the while filling away all your responses and trigger points back into their memory bank, ONLY to use it against you in the next attack.

Having that happen to you as a child really wreaks havoc on the mind. But that’s another topic.

In my reading and learning on narcissism, I have noticed that most of my reading ALWAYS says to leave that person. Cut all ties with said person. Don’t answer phone calls, texts, or email. Even if said person sends you a card or letter through tge mail simply write return to sender. DO NOT open. And yes that’s what you do if your leaving a narcissistic partner. But it’s not that easy if you have a narcissistic parent. That parent will get older and need your help. My conscious will not allow me to abandoned her. She drives my absolutely batty at times. But she is my mom and I love her.

I know this is part of my problem. I can fix what ever is wrong. I think that’s a part of being raised by a narcissistic parent. We are constantly seeking validation from that parent. We or at least I did, became obsessed with getting a genuine complement. Some sort of validation from her. That’s enough for today. Whew this was not an easy thing to do.

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