First And Lastday

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Ok soooo I told y’all about my new job, and how excited I was. Well I’m sure you guessed by the title it was my first AND last day.

For one the shop had no AC. But even worse, no fans. So that made it worse. Now let me tell HOW my first day went.

So I was scheduled 2pm to 10pm, but I had to go in at 11am for orientation. That took about 3 and a half hours. Once I finished orientation a parson took me down to the shop floor. Now when I was initially hired I was told that I was going in production. So I started there. Not bad for what they had me starting out on, and theyb had fans in that area. Even though it wasn’t cool air circulating, it was a cross breeze. So it made the heat more tolerable. Then along comes another lady in another department bringing me over to her side. This was I believe, the shipping department. No fans! The heat was honestly unbearable. Honestly had I been 20 years younger, I probably would have been able to endure it. But at my age now, I literally get nauseous, and a pounding headache if I am too hot, and have no way of cooling down.

Now the gentleman she put me with to train was a nice person, he just wasn’t really explaining things to me. I felt like a shadow, so we was almost finished with the order, so I says to him. After we finish this order I think I’m going on lunch, since I came in at 10:30 am and it was going on 5:30. He said tou could go now if you want. I said ok I will. I informed him I would be back in 30 minutes. He said you get 45 minutes for lunch. I said ok see you in 45. But I went to my truck and turned it on and left. I had no intentions of going back.

I hate that I did that, but that just was NOT a good fit for me. Understand I’m not afraid of work, but, at the same time scleroderma and heat are not an ideal combination.

I will continue to look for work. But at my age it’s not going to easy. So could y’all PLEASE look at my links

https://simplegiftshere.company.site

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/

Pre First Day

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Soooo tomorrow I start my new job. Been out of work since November 2019. A week before Thanksgiving.

Now Thanksgiving is MY holiday. Everything else is too commercialize these days. Thanksgiving is about cooking and eating and being thankful for our family, our health and just enjoying the company you have.

So evey since I started working, I ALWAYS worked on Thanksgiving. One year I had already been at Netflix 6 years, I decided to put the week of Thanksgiving for my week of vacation. AND it was approved! Now I put that time in from January. I was so excited all year for THAT week. I literally planned that whole week for cooking.

I bought molds to make a chocolate cornucopia to be filled with candies and cookies. I bought special dinner ware JUST for that day. I had it all planned out.

The menu consisted of turkey, stuffing, gravy, roast, potatoes, carrots. Corn on the cob, fresh green beans, candied yams. Sweet Tea. Desserts was pumkin pie, chocolate pie, sweet potato pie, and vanilla pie. The pie crusts was of course homemade. I had mom and dad decorating the cookies. Basically to keep them out of my hair. I had bought a beautiful tablecloth, and place mats. I even put fake fall leaves over the table. We rarely have a cold Thanksgiving here in this part of Texas.

Now even though mom and dad had been divorced for a few years, he still hung out with us all the time. He of course had a invitation to go to his youngest daughter’s house, but he always came to mine. He said he felt more comfortable and welcomed at my house. That made me feel a sense of pride. I always want people to feel comfortable and welcomed in my house. My door is always open. So that year we had a wonderful Thanksgiving. We all was stuffed.

Besides the food my dad said his favorite part was the leaves because it reminded him of back home in Missouri.

Sadly by March the following year my dad passed away. He had a heart attack and was found in the parking lot where he had made his last delivery for his job.

That was the worst news I ever received. My dad had tripple bypass about 4 years priar. When he had his surgery he signed a DNR paper. When the paramedics got to him they revived him, but he was in a coma. Basically he was with no brain activity. My sister was responsible to make the call to pull the plug. We know that’s what he would have wanted. He was always a hard working man. He never wanted to depend on his children.

I hated that he was called home. But I feel good about our last Thanksgiving we had together. It took me a while, but I was finally able to have a Thanksgiving dinner in honor and memory of my dad. So this year I hope to do the same. Yes I will be setting a plate for him.

So planning Thanksgiving now. Will keep you posted on first day on the job and how the plans for Thanksgiving dinner is going

https://simplegiftshere.company.site

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

Update on The Job search.

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Long story short. I have a job, just as soon as I pass a drug test, and a physical. I wish I knew about the drug test. Because I need to study. kidding.

So now I’m in Katy getting my physical and my drug test. And man there areca lot of people here. I hate waiting. But here I am waiting. Ok it took 3 hours JUST to get called. Now my blood pressure is a bit elevated. But we continue to complete the physical. We tried 3 different occasions checking my BP and it was still elevated. However after the doctor came in to do his part in the physical he gave me a green light. YAY! Next is orientation and I should officially start a job on Monday.

The shift is 2p to 10p. That’s ideal for me to still be able to get mom to her doctors appointments. And I can still tinker with my failed ecommerce account

They mentioned how impressed they was with my resume. Being as I have longevity on my jobs. I laughed said thank you, then proceeded to gently explain that I am not a fan of awkward interviews. I don’t like the classic (so tell me about you, or why do you want to work here?)

With those lame question there are so many sarcastic remarks you can make. Yet you have to be professional and give a logical answer. I WANT to say because I need a job and you need a body to fill a position. Or because y’all are hiring. Because let’s be honest here, we are not doctors, who have the answer to cure cancer. Nor are we lawyers with this rare ability to magically win and UNwinable case. We are the back end of how things are ran that noone sees. However, I am so grateful to have a job. Now if I can make this job last AT LEAST 16 years. I plan to retire at age 68. Lord knows I most likely wont make it to 72.

So here’s my links.

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/

Quick Blog

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I know I’ve been away from blogging. But I have a good reason. I have been diligently looking for work. I want and need full time. However I have an interview today with a retail store. I know 99% of those places only hire part time. But I also have 2 other interviews one on Monday, and another on Tuesday. I will of course attend all 3 and see what each has to offer. I’m almost sure something good is going to happen. If anything it will be a job. So I can generate an income to try and continue my failed ecommerce

Any ways off to my interview heres your links

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/

Update: Interview

Well that interview was a flop. So as I stated, I have been diligently looking for a job, to support my failed ecommerce store. The ONLY reason I applied for the job is BECAUSE it said FULL TIME. Yet she said it would be part time. So I told her I would come in for an interview and see what happens. I had explained to her that when the application had me put hours of availability it showed for an overnight shift. I explained that I was interested in an overnight shift and why. But she said she didn’t have an overnight shift. Then I asked her on average how many hours would I average a week? Her response was… That depends on how well you work, if you do what I tell you, and work hard. She proceeded to say SHE’S the stocker and even if the line backs up all the way to the back room….I’m still stocking. If little jonnie throws up in the middle if the isle YOU have to clean it up. Because I’m stocking. Line is backed up….I’m stocking. So I says to her well that’s rather stressful on account you have more than one register, yet you have a line of customers getting frustrated because YOU won’t jump on a register and get the line down. Then she proceeded to say… If the line backs up I’m ( she) gonna jump on a register and get the line down. I was saying to myself. You speak with a forked tonge. Talking out the side of your mouth. To be honest she sent negative vibes. She was wearing cut off blue jean shorts, unmatched socks. She quite frankly was not very professional. Now I want and need a job, but this didn’t seem like a good fit AT ALL se le vi

I have 2 more interviews this week. We’ll see how those go.

Oh how I wish getting my ecommerce was as easy as getting job interviews. Yes another update. I still have 2 interviews one today, BUT I now have 2 for tomorrow. So today is a position for a baker ar Golden Corral. I can’t say for sure if it would be full time, but I do know the chances are extremely high that I would be working on weekends. Not that I do a lot of going out partying, because I haven’t “gone out” in YEARS. But…. I don’t want to work every weekend either. So I plan to go to that interview today, I have a phone interview tomorrow with a department store at 9:40 a.m, then an in person at 10:00 a.m. with a warehouse job. This job is Monday through Friday, from what I can tell. I’m almost 100% sure it’s full time, and I know for sure it’s CERTAINLY NOT a minimum wage pay.

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I can’t think of a title right now. Maybe one will come to me as I write my thoughts down. I know I have not blogged in just over a week. However I was processing some information. Let me try and explain.

First off anyone who reads my blogs know that my son and I are close. People will call him a mama’s boy, and he will look you dead in your eyes and with absolute pride say “Damn right I am.” He has no shame about his love and respect for me. But in general most people haven’t seen how our relationship was formed. There are a lot of moving parts. I also know things could have been worse. That being said, my son and I have been through a lot. To start with, his dad wanted me to abort him. His dad was upset because HIS life is over now. He didn’t want to have kids, AND it’s MY fault that I got pregnant. So in short I told his dad that I was having this child WITH, or WITHOUT you. You can walk away now and we never have to speak again. He decided to stay with me. However had I known THEN what I know now, decisions would have been different. First, I still would NOT have gotten an abortion. But secondly I woukd not have wasted 15 years trying to build a relationship and a family with this VENGEFUL person. He only stayed to make MY life hell because I wouldn’t have an abortion. I know, you folks who are actually reading this are probably thinking that I’m the one who is a narcissist. But in reality I am the empath. Yes he stayed, but it was like we was roommates. We didn’t do anything as a family. Lime go to the park, or the beach, or go out to eat from time to time. No he worked I stayed home and took care of our child. Normal to a point. He gave me an “allowance” of thirty dollars. That was to by groceries, and do laundry. We lived in apartments that did not offer washer/dryer hook ups. So here I am “playing” house. Now in my mind I was thinking he would soon see how loyal I am, and the fact that I truly do love him, that he would start to see his life is not ruined. I honestly thought we could work this out. But unrequited love is just that. Little did I know it would never be. It took me 15 years of (mostly emotional) abuse, to realise he will never (at the very least) respect me. Let alone love me. He is incapable of love.

In short I finally left him for the last time. Oh I must have left him a thousand times. But as usual he turned on his charm, and love bombing. And I found myself right back where I started. THAT’S why when you leave a narcissist you ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO GO NO CONTACT. No exceptions. Or you WILL end up where you left a thousand times.

So when I finally left him for good, I must admit every emotional aspect of my being was dead. With the exception of anger. I had devised a plan to leave. I put that plan into action. I needed a car. He noticed I was looking for a car, and said I’ll sell you the Mazda for $1000.00 I said ok. I got my income tax and paid him a thousand dollars for that Mazda. That was around the end of February. My plan was in motion. I now have a car and am no longer tied to bus routes and bus schedules for my dedtinations. That was step one. I began looking for an affordable but safe place to live. My son was 13 close to 14 yrs old. I was working a minimum wage job. So I found an all bills paid apartment. I put a deposit on a 1 bdr. Side note. As I stated earlier, the only emotion I was feeling was anger. So EVERY TIME. I left in the car I bought from him, I played the song by Jo Dee Masina “My Give a damn’s Busted. The song was very fitting the lyrics are posted

Well you filled up my head
With so many lies.
You twisted my heart
'til something snapped inside.
I'd like to give it one more try
But my give a damn's busted.
You can crawl back home
Say you were wrong,
Stand out in the yard
And cry all night long.
Go ahead and water the lawn.
My give a damn's busted.
I really want to care,
I want to feel somethin'
Let me dig a little deeper...
Naw...
Sorry...
Nothin'
You can say you've got issues.
You can say you're a victim.
It's all your parents fault,
I mean, after all you didn't pick 'em
Maybe somebody else's got time to listen.
My give a damn's busted.
Well your therapist says
It was all a mistake
A product of the prozac
And your co-dependent ways
So ... who's your enabler these days?
My give a damn's busted.
I really want to care,
I want to feel somethin'
Let me dig a little deeper...
Naw...
Still nothin
It's a desperate situation,
No tellin' what you'll do.
If I don't forgive you,
You say your life is through.
Come on ... give me somethin' I can use.
My give a damn's busted.
Well, I really want to care
I want to feel somethin'
Let me dig a little deeper...
Naw, man...
Sorry
Just nothin'
No
You've really done it this time (haha)
My give a damn's busted.

So as he began to realize I was planning to leave he at first acted lije he didn’t care. Then he started the scare tactics. The classic you’re not going to make it out there by yourself. THEN the classic you’re not going to find someone like me. I didn’t respond to him as I was packing. Then something snapped in me and I had to get some things off my chest. So I told him your scare tactics are not going to work this time. Also I am not looking for anybody I just want to be alone. But if I did find some body I would certainly hope to God he’s NOT like you. I let him know how deeply he hurt me with the mind games, and his 15 years of vengeance against me because I ruined YOUR life because I got pregnant.

It has now been 16 years and 4 months since I left him. With NO CONTACT. Just for the record, I never stopped communication’s between him and our son. Since our son was a bit older and was aware of what was going on I didn’t stop their communication. And NOW 16 years later he tells my son he tried to contact me. However my son knew that was a lie. Because I would have told my son. But he kept pushing the subject and asked for my number. My son told his dad that it’s not a good idea. His dad asked if I was seeing someone. My son always protecting me tells his dad that it’s really none of your concern if she is or is not seeing someone. Now he never gave him my number. My son also knows I NEVER want to see OR talk to him again.

I also know he’s still an alcoholic. He was in fact drinking when he was asking about me. Matter of fact he has 2 specific times in the year that he does this binge drinking. Usually around mid March to late April, and then mid October to late November. Now at this point he’s either late for his March/April binge, or he’s early for his October/November binge because we’re only in August.

He is a part of the reason I am broken. I lived a solitude life when I was with him. I lost all my friends. I didn’t go out unless it was with my family. Mom and Dad. I have a hard time talking to people. Because I spent so many years being discarded, and ignored. I feel like now I am a burden to people. But I am working on it.

But just because my son told me his dad is looking yo talk to me brings back memories I wish I had forgotten. So there’s my blog. Thank you for your time

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

Randem Thoughts

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Blank slate. Have no thoughts, or too many thoughts and can’t put them into a blog. I have soooo many random thoughts and ideas, I don’t know where to start. I’m having anxiety about a number of things, with no solution. I find that when things go unanswered I start having anxiety. When things are out of my control. When nothing makes sense anymore and you can’t make it make sense. When you read and see and hear so many lies. Or when people believe the lies they are told.

Yep none of what I just wrote makes sense. WELCOME TO MY WORLD. I really wished I had a job. Then I would have a sense of direction. You know go to bed at a decent hour so you can wake up early go to your job. Meet their expectations. Clock out go home and count the days till your day off to do nothing, or catch up on things you let go until your day off. As it stands I have all the time in the world to do stuff, yet no source of income. But you need a job to have an income, now you’re limited on time. Winning the lottery would be great. But you have to play that, and your chances of winning are like 1 in 24335554355545543345656788. Soooo it makes sense to just get a job. But at my age, my non skilled self AND the fact that I’ve been out of work almost 2 years makes even that task difficult.

I remember years ago… I went to a school to become a CNA. I just wanted to get my foot in the door and work my way up into a field. I had always loved learning about medicine, therapy, and anything in the medical field. I knew my chanes of becoming a doctor was NEVER going to happen. But I did enjoy helping people. When I started classes we had about 2 dozen students. But by the time we was to take our state exams, there was only 3 and THE DAY of the exam only one other person showed up for the exams. Now the other young girl who showed up didn’t have a clue how to take vitals. The teacher literally held her hand all through class. So on the exam we had to do 5 seperate tasks. Two of the 5 was washing your hands, and taking vitals. The other 3 tasks was pulled from a hat. Just little things you do while working in a nursing home. Like groom a patient, or dress a patient, or bathe a patient. So in order to start the test, and since there was only 2 of us testing the instructor wrote a number between 1 and 100 on a pice of paper. Who ever guessed it or got closest went first. The other girl went first. Sadly she failed from the moment she washed her hands. But the instructor had to allow her to complete the test. That being said, for most people when you wash your hands we generally turn the water on soap up rinse and turn the water off,,,,but once you clean your hand you cannot touch the faucet. You leave the water on, dry your hands and use the paper towel to turn the water off. She didn’t do that. Therefore it was a fail because her hands are now contaminated because she touched the faucet WITH her hands. But moving forward with the exam she was to take my vitals. My temperature, my bloid pressure, and my pulse rate which is basically my heart rate. When she went to take my pulse rate she went too far over on my wrist and was pressing on the end of my wrist where the pinky finger is. There’s no pulse there, it’s on the side where the thumb is. But she came up with a number. Then it was my turn. Also when you’re testing, you can’t ask questions, nor actually speak to the instructor. Kind of like a driving test. So I did my 5 tasks, as I was on my last task which was to remove, and or replace a residence dentures. The resident had her dentures in. So I had to explain to her what was going on. She was able to remove them on her own, so I was tasked with cleaning them and replacing them. As I went to clean them the instructor asked me what temperature should the water be as I clean them. I respond with room temp to slightly warm. She smiled and said correct. Now as I’m cleaning them she starts having a full blown conversation with me about some she seen on the news the night before. I at first didn’t know what to say. One because I don’t watch the news. And secondly WE’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO TALK during the exam. But I said no I didn’t see that on the news lastnight. I was too nervous about today.

Now the exam us over. The other girl and I are sitting in the waiting room for our teacher and the instructor to come out. They come out and the instructor gave a small speech. She said it is clear who studied and who did not study. I did pass the exam. However because of no experience it was difficult to get a full time position. Also to my disappointment I found out it was going to be minimum wage. Now of course I didn’t expect to make twenty bucks an hr to start, but I didn’t expect to pay hundreds if dollars for a skill to only make minimum wage either. I also needed full time work.

I did however have a chance to start working in the field, but it was only part time; then at the same time I was offered a job as a cashier making the same as the part time CNA. I was offered $6.25 an hour as a part time CNA or I could work full time for the same pay as a cashier for a parking facility. Of course I took the full time job. Maybe the medical field was not God’s will. I sure wish I knew what God’s will is.

Well there’s my blog read it if you want. At this point I have no clue what I’m doing. Just existing at the moment. Oh yeah and here’s my links

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

Nothing Gold Can Stay

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Nature’s first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf’s a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

Robert Frost poem.

The first time I read this poem was when I read the book “The Outsiders” I had to do a book report. Gawd how I hated to HAVE to read. But I just chose a book randomly because we had to do a stupid book report. Now don’t get me wrong, I like to read, just don’t want to HAVE to read and THEN tell you what the book was about. But once I opened the book and started reading, I couldn’t put it down. BUT I guess the purpose of doing a book report was so the teacher good check your writing skills.

Let me just say, the English language has way to many rules and regulations, WITH exceptions to the rules and regulations. AND to this day I still get the grammer police on me behind my grammer when making a comment. I have no doubt in my mind some of the people here who start reading my blogs think, (oh I’ll give her a like, she’s young and may be aspiring to be a writer. Let me encourage this potential writer) When the fact is, I am not a young aspiring writer, but an old aspiring small business owner. But that’s neither here nor there this was to be about the poem.

Most often I tell me son to “stay gold” he laughs because he knows I’m quoting the movie. If you’ve not seen the movie, I highly recommend you read the book, THEN watch the movie.

Ok I’ve blogged read it at you leisure, enjoy.

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

Monday

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Well here we are Monday again. Here I am with nothing to blog about. I am supposed to be having positive aspects. I’m not supposed to be feeling frustrated or irritated or defeated. Yet here I am feeling all of that negativity.

I just spent the weekend going through my projects. I ended up throwing some of them away, and putting other stuff in the attic. As I’ve said before I live in a small house (duplex) actually. I want to quit, and just get a job. At least that way I have a guaranteed source of income. Or win the lottery

Any who there’s my blog and without fail here’s my links.

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/

Handmade

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I have always enjoyed handmade items. I feel like it adds a personal touch. When I was a child growing up, I secretly loved crafting. In grade school I loved when we did arts and crafting. Then I became a teenager, yes your typical don’t care about anything teen. I was in, hindsight depressed, after we left Texas when I was 16, I hated everything. We moved to Florida. Lived in Fort Lauderdale for 2 years. We could almost walk to the beach. But being as I am a red haired person, the sun is not so much of a friend to me. So the idea of living close to a beach was certainly not appealing to me. I just stayed in the house eating away my depression (literally) I had put on so much weight. After 2 years of living in Florida, my dad had it in his heart to move to Missouri. That’s where he’s from. He has 10 acres there, and had hopes of getting back to his land. However it apparently was not Gods plan or will. We lived in Missouri for a year, but it was a struggle as there was no work there. Some how we ended up coming back to Texas. I was excited to be going back home. But in those 3 years we was gone, so much had changed. I lost all my friends. Sometimes I wonder if that was Gods will. I say that because in hindsight I was on a path to self destruction. I was drinking pretty heave for a 14/15 year old. I was smoking and drinking every day. I’d stay at my friends house till 2 and 3 in the morning, and STILL get up and go to school everyday. Although I was having a good time, and good friends, I look back and think, what if I stayed drinking and smoking every day? Would I be an alcoholic? We will never know for certain, but as I look back, I see what road I was on and it wasn’t a good path.

Now I’m older and wiser. I have worked hard for minimum pay, now out of work going on 2 years and in the beginning of my lay off I went back to crafting, actually found something I enjoy doing. Making something out of nothing. I enjoy seeing it piece together and becoming something.

The fact is I have nothing to blog about. I want to do so many things and have become overwhelmed. I feel unorganized, almost a scatter brain. I want to make and sell items, but can’t get traffic to my store. Makes me think if God has other plans for me. Because as it stands I can’t make product because I’m not selling product, and if I’m not selling product, there’s no money, or need or ability to buy more product to make more product. I know for a fact THAT was a ramble on. . I tell you, it’s a good thing I ain’t trying to make a living out of blogging…..talk about your starving artists

Ok so there it is. My scrambled blog for the day. You know I ain’t leaving without putting my links. so here ya go.

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

Go shopping PLEASE!