Constant Criticism

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Ever notice some people are constantly criticizing you? There may be one person in particular you know will criticize you. You can in fact feel it coming because the eyes of said criticizer is burning a whole through you.

Let me just say when you get criticism from people in general it’s not necessarily a bad thing. Constructive criticism is fine. There’s a difference between constructive criticism and criticism JUST to belittle a person. I actually enjoy having a discussion that’s constructive criticism we can brain storm ideas off of each other.

But when you have some one constantly criticizing you, it can make things a little difficult. Now y’all know I’m gonna give an example. Ready? Ok here we gooooooo

So the other day I was cooking dinner, mom says I bet Robert would like some biscuits with this meal. My initial response was oh my goodness we already got 2 eyes going, and NOW you wanna turn the oven on?!

We are in the middle of summer and here in Texas humidity is so high here and the heat I try to cook as little as possible

But I decided to make them. Not because she said my brother would like some, but because I knew SHE really wanted a biscuit. So I grab an iron skillet, and she grabbed the shortening from the pantry. Now I reach into the shortening and grab a small handful to coat the skillet. As I’m coating the skillet, I here her say “goodness, that’s a lot!” I gave her the side eye, she says “I know, you don’t want me in here watching you huh” I responded with I don’t mind that you’re in here, I just don’t need you criticizing my every move. She didn’t say too much, but she did question my methods on making the biscuits. And make remarks about how others make their biscuits. So we made it through the biscuits fiasco. And when dinner was done, surprisingly she complimented my biscuits. I was shocked, but not sure if she’s starting the love bombing thing again, or if the complement is sincere.

While that was just one example of criticism to lower your self esteem, there are other forms of criticism that hurt as well. The way you drive, there is a constant, why are you driving around this bend so fast? Don’t you think you’re a little close to that car in front? OMG ARE YOU GOING TO STOP?!

While these are all an attempt to emotionally, and mentally abuse you for there enjoyment. YOU CANNOT TAKE IT TO HEART! You have to tell yourself YOU ARE ENOUGH. You are good ENOUGH.

Ok I blogged there you go. Read it, I hope you enjoyed it, but more so go look at my links

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

Exciting News

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Ok folks I have been researching and researching for all kinds of information. I will be having some exciting news in the next few months. There will be lots of information coming in the next few months. I want to share with y’all now, but I can’t because I still have to cross all my T’s and dot all my I’s before I can spill the beans.

I know most of my posts have been all over the board. However I guess I’m still trying to find my niche so to say. I would like to ask the ones who are following me id they have anything particular they would like to read? What grabs your attention to say “hey this might be a good read”? Just curious as to what direction I should take this blogging. I will say I have been looking into blogging and taking a few free courses on writing. Things like how to find your niche, how to make a blog, as far as starting it all the way to finishing it. While I know I have not completely mastered it, I would appreciate the help in getting ideas that interest the ones who are following me. Maybe even get them to say “hhmm I think I’ll share this one, maybe some of my followers would find this interesting”. Let me just say to the ones who are following I appreciate y’all more than you know.

I am trying to break out of my comfort zone here, and to be honest I’m feeling a bit vulnerable. It’s a weird feeling to intentionally put yourself in a vulnerable position. But here I am doing it. I really am trying to get my self confidence back. I am learning new things to get the ball rolling and expand my horizons I will no longer except failure, I will simply say this is not a failure, but a detour, and I will take other avenues to reach my destination. My dad always said “not beats a failure but a try” He used to always say things to inspire someone. and his enthusiasm at trying new things made you feel excited and positive about this new adventure. Some day I may do a blog about this guy. I have to say he was my anchor, and I miss him terribly. I honestly feel like I died when he did. The sad thing about that is, he would be so disappointed in me. Because while he knew death was inevitable, he lived his life to the fullest. So I need to start doing that again. I need to live. Because I know that’s what he would want me to do. I can say he and I had an understanding and a respect for life and death, we viewed it differently than most people.

Now moving forward there will be no more defeats, It will be just a detour. So before I end this blog please let me know some of the things you would be interested in reading about. and thank you for your time. have an awesome blessed day.

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

Emotional Effects of Narcissistic People in Long-term Exposure.

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The effects of psychological and narcissistic abuse come with many devastating consequences, but there are two that almost no one knows about unless they’re a doctor or neuroscientist.

In fact, these two outcomes may be the most destructive result of emotional trauma over the long-term and is an added reason why if you have children with a narcissistic partner you should try to leave as soon as reasonably possible.

I grew up in a narcissistic house where one of my parents was a covert narcissist. The covert narcissist is very secretive. No one outside the house hold would even consider entertaining the idea of said person to be a narcissist in any way shape or form. But if you’ve been the target of a covert narcissist, only you know who this person really is. You know the cruel things this person says to you. Only you know the gaslighting this person does to you. I’ve noticed changes within myself that I feel are the effects of this abuse. Please don’t think I’m playing victim here, because I’m not, however I’m blogging this to try and help others to recognise the abuse and know THEY are NOT the problem. I am hoping this will help them to make the changes needed to begin living a normal happy life. But to also seek help because as I wrote in the first part of this blog, long term narcissistic abuse can effect the brain. I am just now learning about this and want to share this for anybody who find themselves in an abusive relationship, or even come to terms with a parent being a narcissist.

I have blogged about how I used to be as a person. I used to be a fun person. I found humor in a lot of situations. I had funny comebacks. I had a mind that was strong. But through the years, I feel like my mind is not as sharp as it used to be. Through the years of having to account, or answer for EVERY detail of why….. Just as an example…. I most often now days just pull my hair up into a ponytail. But from time to time I might just do a half ponytail and leave half down. But when I do that, I get asked why do you have your hair like that? Quite frankly there’s no rhym or reason, I simply wanted to do the half ponytail. But in the mind of a narcissist there IS a hidden reason, and come hell or high water they WILL attach a reason to it; and that’s with EVERY aspect of your LIFE. If you’re the target of a narcissist, your life WILL be scrutinized. With EVERY move you make. You’re criticized on every little thing, and every word you say WILL be held against you. Be it your driving, the way you cook, the clothes you wear. And YOU are certainly held accountable for ANYTHING you say. For example. You say your plan is to try a new recipe for a dessert. BUT the day got away from you and decide to try it another time. Now comes the criticism. YOU didn’t do that new recipe YOU said you was going to try. Now we don’t have dessert after dinner tonight. (But it goes on with) sure would have been nice to try that new recipe. But somebody got lazy and decided not to try it. Maybe she lost her confidence and was afraid it wouldn’t be good. The narcissist means it to be harmful, to make you feel guilty, OH but the moment you try to defend yourself, NOW the narcissist was only kidding. NOW you’re too sensitive, NOW you don’t have to be so defensive. ( gas lighting)

I dislike using the (PTSD) because I really think it’s overused. But When I notice someone is gas lighting another person, (internally) I get so angry. I see and hear it, but I can’t say anything. Because of fear. I don’t want to make waves and create a problem for the other person being gaslighted. But I want to rescue that person, yet I don’t know if this person even realizes what’s really happening.

Other things a narcissist will do is use projection/gaslighting. They use this as distraction from their behavior. One thing a narcissist despise is staying on topic when there is an argument. They will bring up other topics that wasn’t even about the topic at hand. The next thing you know you’re arguing about something that may or may not have even occured. Being raised by a narcissist, as a child is confusing, becoming an adult from being raised by a narcissistic person is just as confusing, because you wasn’t allowed to have boundaries growing up, so you now as an adult have no boundaries. Then because of the way you was raised, you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist. Because of the way you was raised it’s normalized. ( I hope this makes sense) Because I am now trying to make my life make sense.

I tend to get lost in my writing and go all over the place. I’m not even sure if anybody can comprehend what I’m trying to convey in some of my blogs. But here I am killin it. If anything maybe some folks get a good laugh at my writing skills. but at least I made someone smile or laugh. So I’m ok with that. And yes as always here’s my links to a few items I make. Trying to make my hobby a source of income until I hopefully soon get a job. Thanks for reading, and or clicking on my links. In the meantime I’m gonba try and get tiktok famous kidding I know I don’t have the personality to do it.

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

Click a link any link.

Tatoos.

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Today I decided to talk about tatoos. I was born in the 70’s, raised in the 80’s, and became a mom in the 90’s. And in those three decades so much has changed.

Growing up, most often people who had tattoos was usually not good people. Notice I said USUALLY. I say that because as a child growing up you never seen working people with tattoos. Not even in a fast food restaurant. My first job was working at McDonald’s. I used to wear these black bands. There was this one manager who made me take them off. So I did, but after my shift, I put them back on and had them on again at work. She told me I wasn’t allowed to wear them when she’s on duty as manager. All the cool kids wore those black bands. So I’m guessing she didn’t like that trend. But in general back in the day tattoos was considered taboo. Then there was a time when I knew this guy, he was just a friend, he was telling me about a job interview he had to go to. He said he hated looking for work in the summer. I asked him why, and he said because of his tattoos. So me being silly I said do they disappear in the winter? He laughed and said no, but to wear long sleeve shirts to cover my tattoos in the summer sucks because it’s so hot. So I asked why do you cover them? He said because most companies won’t hire you if you have tatoos.

Now a days you see all kinds of profession’s with tattoos. Tattoos on the arm like a sleeve tattoo. Colorful tattoos. People have them on their neck, face, basically any where on their body. It’s almost like IF you don’t have at least one tattoo you’re not “trending”. But I do feel that tattoos are a personal choice, and for each tattoo it should have a meaning, other than ( I like it) I do like tattoos. I have two if them.

I want to get two more, in time I will. The funny thing about one of my tattoos is, my dad was always against tattoos. I didn’t even get my first tattoo until I was 35. I had always wanted a heart with a yellow rose, with a ribbon that has my son’s name in the ribbon. Instead this is what I got.

First tattoo

The photo is a little blurry, but it’s a black hear with a black rose, and two red drops of blood. I have it on my left shoulder blade. The meaning behind that is… When my heart stopped. Not in the literal aspect, but when I made the decision to no longer love. To no longer love and care for the father of my son. The 15 year relationship was unrequited love. Now the other tattoo I have is..

Memorial tattoo

This one is in memory of my dad. Yes he was always against tattoos. This tattoo has a very deep meaning to me. First it’s a dogwood flower. Which of course is from the dogwood tree, which is the state tree in the state of Missouri, where my dad is from. I also had his favorite verse from the bible the KJV Hebrews 11:1

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

Now there’s a legend behind the dogwood tree. In short……………………. The tree used to grow big and tall. The woid from the tree was used to build things. However it was the wood used to crucify Jesus. Because that was the wood used, God cursed, and blessed the tree. The tree was cursed to no longer grow big and tall, but to always be small. The blessing is that the flower on the dogwood us a symbol of rebirth. Now if you look closely at the flower you will notice it’s shaped like a cross. On the tips of the petals you will see shades if dark pink that represents the blood from Jesus being crucified.

So you see I’m not against tattoos, I just feel like they should mean something. There are two more I’d like to get. One is of an anchor. In general the anchor can symbolize hope, steadfastness, calm and composure. The other is a lighthouse, they represent the guidance, refuge, and salvation that characterized the life of Christ.

The funny thing about my first tattoo, my dad didn’t know. I was NEVER going to tell him. In fact I made sure to wear clothing that completely covered my back, so that in no way that tattoo could be seen. BUT my niece who was very young at the time blurted it out. So The story is….. My dad loved to take long walks. From time to time he would ask one of us to join him. Most often it was his way if catching up with us grown kids. So that day it was my sister and her oldest daughter. They was wakking and some how the subject of tattoos came up, and my niece blurted out ” Aunt Bea has a tattoo” my dad was in instant denial. But then one day he popped up at my place, I was running to change when he said stop right there. So I stopped. He told me to turn around so I spent around fast, he said turn slowly, needless to say I knew he knew. He didn’t come right out and ask me uf I had a tattoo. I think it was because he didn’t want me to lie about it. Also he needed to see it. He wasn’t mad about it. He actually liked it.

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

Angel Investor

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Start up an E commerce they said. It’s easy they said. It will be a great way to generate income they said. But what they don’t say is how much it cost to do such a thing. I went into this blindly and I am about 8 months in and my vision has not improved. Not my vision for my store, just the ability and know how, and of course the financial vision. I have been blogging for a while, with no clue what to blog about. I do the blogging thing to get people to click on links to shop and hopefully make purchases. Being as I am just starting this, I don’t have a lot of product, but what I do have is a few items on hand that I can do and have to offer. I just can’t get people interested. I have a lot to offer, I just need to get my product seen; and that’s where I have the issue.

I am going to be completely honest here and a bit vulnerable. The honest part is I have no source of income to be able to pay for my site to be promoted. I was able to get some things going I paid for a years worth of an E commerce store, that will be ending in November some time, not exactly sure when but it will end. I was seriously trying to generate a bit of income to be able to stay home and take care of my elderly mother. I am not very comfortable at leaving her here home alone. She does have some health issues, and she just isn’t able to do some things on her own. Still on the honest part. I tend to digress from time to time, and on the honesty part, I am a shameful drop out. Needless to say it wa not by choice, but by circumstances. I regret dropping out of school. If I spell out the reasons, to most it will sound like excuses. When in reality if you’ve never walked in a persons shoes, you shouldn’t judge them. I can honestly say it wasn’t drugs. It wasn’t because I got pregnant in high school. The funny thing about that was I never dated high school boys. But it was due to having a narcissistic mother. I have written blogs about narcissism. The thing is there are several different types of narcissist and the one I was blessed to be raised by is the covert narcissist. Let me just say I love my mom and I will ALWAYS he;p her as best I can. But the fact is she ruined my life. She has 3 children all together. My brother and I are from her first marriage. Her first husband lost his battle with cancer when my brother and I was very young. She remarried 2 years later. Then 3 years later had my younger sister with her second husband. BUT for some reason I will never know I am her target. Most people in my family think I’m crazy or they dismiss my accusations. But they are real, and they are hurtful. But I continue to do my duty as her daughter. I am at the point that I want and need to go back to work. I was laid off JUST before the pandemic hit, and now have been out of work for about 2 years. She tells me she don’t want me to go back to work, because she is used to having some one here with her now. I understand that, but I could go to work overnight that way my brother would be here at night and I could be here during the day. I asked her what happens when you die? She said I was on my own. I said EXACTLY. She would have me stay home with her when I was in high school because she had anxiety attacks. That’s partly the reason I ended up dropping out I was so far behind I didn’t have a chance to catch up. She sits back and watches my every move, and hangs onto every word I say JUST to point out if I miss speak, or make any kind of an error. Now I have had to talk her down from countless anxiety attacks. I’ve had to calm her down over nothing. I have been her voice of reason when she over thinks things and thinks herself into an anxiety attack. ONLY to be dismissed because she’s feeling ok on a given day. I feel like I’ve been raising my mom since I was 15 years old. NOW I digress.

And now I come to the vulnerable part of this blog. I find it hard to ask for help. I think it’s because I’m always the one helping. But I am asking for help. Donations, or even an angel investor. The thing is I want to be able to work at something I love to do. I would love to be able to make crafts and gifts for people to buy for their friends, and family. But as it stands I am out of ideas on how to make this a possibility. Well the fact is I am out of funds. I have ran out my unemployment, and I can’t seem to find a job that works with my hours I would be available. As I stated earlier I would like to be able to stay home and take care of my elderly mother. I’m just not used to not have a source of income. On another vulnerable situation, just before I was laid off I was seeing a doctor, and long story short I was told I tested positive for scleroderma. In short it is chronic hardening and tightening of the skin and connective tissues. Scleroderma is a group of rare diseases that more than often affects women. It commonly occurs between the ages of 30 and 50. My hands swell up quite often and I have a lot of pain in the joints more so when they are swollen. That’s another reason I wanted to get this E commerce business so I can be able to work my own schedule and take the time I need to when my scleroderma is flaring up. Not only can scleroderma affect the skin but it also can affect many internal organs hindering digestive and respiratory functions, and causing kidney failure. There are two main categories of scleroderma: localized and systemic. Each category is make up of several conditions. Localized scleroderma: often affects only the skin and not major organs. However I was laid off shortly after the diagnosis and was never able to do any follow ups. Which is another reason I need a job, or get this E commerce running to where I am making some income to get insurance and follow up on this condition. One thing I have certainly learned is, you have to have money to start a business of any kind, and if anything, I hope if who ever reads this has at least one take away from this blog, it will be that you have to have money to start a business. I don’t care what they advertise about starting for free. I found so many sites that made it sound like you could use their platform for free, but then you had to {upgrade} in order to do more so yeah the sign up is free, you can sign up on many platforms, but you can’t do anything until you UPGRADE! Ok. I think I’ve done enough damage for today, but why not just for fun
https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

Donation Center

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I thought I would add a few items in hopes of getting donations. Please contact me if you chose to donate so I can ship your item to you and let me know the item you donated to, again Thanks again for your support.

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Blogging Festival

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Ok today is a brainstorm kind of day. I feel a bit overwhelmed with thoughts and ideas, and am RALLY struggling with organizing them. Oof… They are incomplete thoughts because I don’t have answers to complete them. If that makes sense. My anxiety is running a bit high today so I need to write or blog to try and organize these racing thoughts and compartmentalize them.

I’ve heard it a thousand times if I’ve heard it once. They say find a job you love doing and it will be like you’re not even working. I have found something I love doing, but I need work to do it.

I literally JUST did a blog, but because I can’t slow my brain from thinking, I HAD to find the word I was looking for. The word is an investor. But in searching for that word I discovered such a thing as an angel investor. I have an old friend and I use that term friend loosely. We was pretty good friends in highschool, but we did lose contact for quite a few years. Then I found him on Facebook, we caught on the lost years. He’s married and has a beautiful family. No we was not sweet hearts, just good friends. I was the typical girl who got along better with guy friends then girl friends. Truthfully some girls are so catty. I don’t like drama, it’s a waste of time to fuss over little things. But for some reason some girls are like that. I actually only had a few girls I could get along with. Might be because they didn’t act so catty and jealous we were actually friends, not just hanging out to meet our next future heartbreak. () Yes I am rambling again. I can certainly say this blogging thing has taught me that I really need to get out more. I need to meet more people. But I’m a little nervous of people sooooo there’s that. Ok moving on. On getting this thought out there in the eithet…… I’m looking for an angel investor. I need some ideas on how to find them, and how to approach them with my ideas. Or just some how I win the lotto, and then I can take the risks that I want to take. But good gracious you have to be rich to even start a business. And what I mean by rich is have the ability to lose some thousands of dollars and not end up living under a bridge IF it’s not successful. I’ve always had the mindset that failure is NOT an option. Thats what helped me pass my driving test, passed my tests in school AND pass my test to get into nursing. I honestly believe IF I had the financial backing, this business idea would be successful. Ok byeeee

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

Empath And Narcissist Relationship pt3

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It took me 15 years to realize I needed to take a stand and put an end to this madness.

Don’t get me wrong. We broke up a thousand times. Each time I hought it was me taking a stand, only to fall back to his charm, and believe his lies. Because of my lack of boundaries. Each time I forgave him, I was, in his mind telling him it’s ok, and please continue to belittle, and humiliate me, because I JUST want someone to love me; and this is the price I’m willing to pay.

But you see growing up vying for validation was embedded in me, it was normal. Ok … I’ll admit, I am that person who has her sunglasses on top of her head and will TEAR the house up looking for them. You know, that old saying “can’t see tge forest for the trees”

Well there was one person I can say did love me unconditionally. He was my step dad. It felt wierd just now, referring to him as my step dad. He raised me from the time I was 5yrs old into adulthood. He never stopped loving me no matter what battles we had. Let me tell ya we had some rough patches. But that’s another blog.

As I stated it took me 15 years to make my stand. But to be fair, my son was my rock in that situation. He was almost 14 years old, his dad and I had just had another round of his binge drinking. He would literally drink 3 to 4 18pack of beer a day and chase it with tequila for 10 to 15 days straight. I honestly believe he was doing something else because in the days he would drink he never did sleep. And if I tried to sleep he would disturb my sleep. So on one of those binge days, I was trying to get him to eat something. He told me to cook something and after this beer he will eat. So I cooked, but he didn’t eat, so I started opening his beers and pouring them down the sink, he managed to save one, but he ended up throwing it at me, that was the first time our son ever seen him hit me. My son was so angry he somehow slung him across the kitchen yelling at him. I knew then, if I stayed things will get worse between him and his dad.

So a few days after that scene my son says why don’t we just move mom, dad doesn’t love us, we should just leave.

So from that point I started looking for us a place to live. I found us an apartment. I know he didn’t really think I was leaving him, because I was the one to call it quits instead of him calling it quits. He thought he was. Calling my bluff. He was in fact laughing at me, saying things like how many times have we been here? You’re never going to find someone like me. Nobody will ever love you like I do. You’re never going to make it on your own. Typical things a narcissist would say.

I told him it don’t matter how many times we been here, THIS is the last time. As far as me finding someone, thats the least of my concern, but if I do find someone I pray to God he AIN’T like you; and I will work however many jobs it takes to make it.

I actually left him, and never went back. It was hard the first year, but then I got a second job and it made things a bit easier. I have been gone from him since May of 2005. We are now in 2021 and I’m still standing strong.

I did say my son was my rock, but my dad had a big part in it also. I really don’t think I would have made it without those two in my life.

I am still single, but I’m ok with that. I can’t trust myself. I know that I am the one who will give my all. To be honest I really think my ex broke me. I used to write little notes when I packed his lunch. I would say things like ” love you have a good day” but he actually told me not to do that. Now I think that if I was to get into a relationship I wouldn’t even know how to love said person. I don’t even think I have a (love language) any more. But any way who knows what the future holds. Just take it one day at a time.

As I’ve said I hope to help someone with this blog on narcissistic personality, and empaths. I’m sure if an empath stumbles upon this blog they will be the one to see a little bit of them in this blog before a narcissist will. It’s understood a narcissist is never the problem. Because they are never wrong, and they will gaslight you into believing you’re the problem. I don’t even think I touched on the gaslighting. But that’s another blog. This one has drained me for now. Re-visiting my past is never easy. But it helps in the healing. I don’t have my das here anymore to talk to when I need to vent, or just need reassuring. Blogging helps.

So I leave you with of course my links in hopes of someone visiting my shop.

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/

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