New Day

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New day but same old bull shigity. Dealing with a narcissist, actually, dealing with a narcissist and the oldest child that encourages the behavior. I know through reading on how to deal with narcissistic people that you’re NOT to take their jabs on a personal level. That being said, it’s a skill that HAS to be learned, and it takes work to learn and put that skill to good use. Truth is it’s not only easier, but habitual to just react to the jabs than to actually put that skill to work. Once you’ve reacted, you have just nurished that narcissists needs. Then you get more upset and frustrated at yourself because of your reaction. You just get so tired of the constant jabs. From semantics to only paying attention JUST to hear you miss speak, to quickly point out that you stumbled on a word. 😶 that crap gets old real fast. The constant talking about me like I’m not even in the same room as them, but if I react or get offended it’s the constant ” why so defensive?” Or “We was just joking.” Or “I didn’t mean it that way”

Don’t even think about having a conversation with a narcissist. If they make a statement what ever they say is ABSOLUTE fact. There is no questioning, or relating another scenario; because if you do, then you’re being argumentative. Lord forbid you should EVER disagree with a narcissist.

Sometimes a person just needs time alone to be able to reboot, and build energy and strenght to be able to tolerate, and act according to the toxic person/people in your life. To be honest the best reaction to a toxic person is no contact. Just walk away and leave them to their own devices. However when it’s family, and it’s your elderly mother and your other siblings are “unavailable” not much you can do but bite the bullet. The old saying take one for the team.

She’s back to her old tricks from back in the 80’s when my dad moved us to Florida. When school started and she was home alone, she started having panic attacks (anxiety) except we didn’t really know what that was. NOW years later it turns out they was anxiety, but at the time she and we thought it was that she was going into a heart attack. Most times by the time we hot to the ER the panic attack would be settled. Then we would follow up with our primary physician in short she was prescribed prescribed Valium for her. Of course she wouldn’t take them. 😶 She was scared of getting addicted to them. Rather ironic medication for anxiety, yet created another fear. The thing is, when she would want somebody home with her, she would have my dad leave his job to come and get me out of school. We lived in Florida for 2 years, I might have physically attend class at best a half a semester. The thing is she never had this anxiety issue until we went to live in Florida. There she was away from her family.

One of the main characteristics of individuals with increased levels of vulnerable narcissism is anxiety. I have never had a panic attack to where it feels like I’m having a heart attack, I believe I as well as many others have anxiety, it just presents differently. I tend to tinker around with things like reorganising the dishes, or the food pantry or a closet. Basically anything to not focus on the anxiety. Yet finding peace with what I can’t change.

So after 2 years in Florida my dad decided to move us to Missouri. Things was a little better, she actually got a part time job with a lady at our church. Cleaning houses. That was the first time I ever seen my mom have a job. But for what ever reason the job didn’t last very long. Then after a year in Missouri my moms brothers and sister was able to get us plane tickets back to Texas. I was going into my senior year when we came back to Texas. Because the credit system was different in Texas than Missouri, they wanted to put me back to a junior. So I ended up dropping out.

Fast forward to now. Now I have been out of work but looking for work. She has made me aware that she wants me to stay home with her. I am trying to find work that has a second or over night shift. So I CAN be home with her during the day and her oldest golden child can be home with her in the evening.

The thing is back in August I was sick. I didn’t want to spread the virus so I steered clear of everybody. But mom thinks her golden son needs a hot meal cooked for him every night when he comes home. So she was in the kitchen cooking, making biscuits using cast iron skillets. Long story short she hurt herself doing all that. Because the thing is I had been doing all the cooking and cleaning for the past 10 years or more. EVEN while working. They literally began to treat me like I was their maid. But I digress.

I mentioned earlier about anxiety. I have mentioned that I have never had an attack where I thought I was having a heart attack. So I am not saying anxiety is not a real situation, but I often wonder if those attacks are a form of regret in a narcissistic person. One thing I know for sure….. This psychology stuff is crazy. The mind is a tricky thing, and can play tricks on you. I know I don’t makes sense half the time. Probably most of the time. But heres another ranting/venting blog. And of course my links.

✌❤

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

https://simplegiftshere.company.site

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/

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I can’t think of a title right now. Maybe one will come to me as I write my thoughts down. I know I have not blogged in just over a week. However I was processing some information. Let me try and explain.

First off anyone who reads my blogs know that my son and I are close. People will call him a mama’s boy, and he will look you dead in your eyes and with absolute pride say “Damn right I am.” He has no shame about his love and respect for me. But in general most people haven’t seen how our relationship was formed. There are a lot of moving parts. I also know things could have been worse. That being said, my son and I have been through a lot. To start with, his dad wanted me to abort him. His dad was upset because HIS life is over now. He didn’t want to have kids, AND it’s MY fault that I got pregnant. So in short I told his dad that I was having this child WITH, or WITHOUT you. You can walk away now and we never have to speak again. He decided to stay with me. However had I known THEN what I know now, decisions would have been different. First, I still would NOT have gotten an abortion. But secondly I woukd not have wasted 15 years trying to build a relationship and a family with this VENGEFUL person. He only stayed to make MY life hell because I wouldn’t have an abortion. I know, you folks who are actually reading this are probably thinking that I’m the one who is a narcissist. But in reality I am the empath. Yes he stayed, but it was like we was roommates. We didn’t do anything as a family. Lime go to the park, or the beach, or go out to eat from time to time. No he worked I stayed home and took care of our child. Normal to a point. He gave me an “allowance” of thirty dollars. That was to by groceries, and do laundry. We lived in apartments that did not offer washer/dryer hook ups. So here I am “playing” house. Now in my mind I was thinking he would soon see how loyal I am, and the fact that I truly do love him, that he would start to see his life is not ruined. I honestly thought we could work this out. But unrequited love is just that. Little did I know it would never be. It took me 15 years of (mostly emotional) abuse, to realise he will never (at the very least) respect me. Let alone love me. He is incapable of love.

In short I finally left him for the last time. Oh I must have left him a thousand times. But as usual he turned on his charm, and love bombing. And I found myself right back where I started. THAT’S why when you leave a narcissist you ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO GO NO CONTACT. No exceptions. Or you WILL end up where you left a thousand times.

So when I finally left him for good, I must admit every emotional aspect of my being was dead. With the exception of anger. I had devised a plan to leave. I put that plan into action. I needed a car. He noticed I was looking for a car, and said I’ll sell you the Mazda for $1000.00 I said ok. I got my income tax and paid him a thousand dollars for that Mazda. That was around the end of February. My plan was in motion. I now have a car and am no longer tied to bus routes and bus schedules for my dedtinations. That was step one. I began looking for an affordable but safe place to live. My son was 13 close to 14 yrs old. I was working a minimum wage job. So I found an all bills paid apartment. I put a deposit on a 1 bdr. Side note. As I stated earlier, the only emotion I was feeling was anger. So EVERY TIME. I left in the car I bought from him, I played the song by Jo Dee Masina “My Give a damn’s Busted. The song was very fitting the lyrics are posted

Well you filled up my head
With so many lies.
You twisted my heart
'til something snapped inside.
I'd like to give it one more try
But my give a damn's busted.
You can crawl back home
Say you were wrong,
Stand out in the yard
And cry all night long.
Go ahead and water the lawn.
My give a damn's busted.
I really want to care,
I want to feel somethin'
Let me dig a little deeper...
Naw...
Sorry...
Nothin'
You can say you've got issues.
You can say you're a victim.
It's all your parents fault,
I mean, after all you didn't pick 'em
Maybe somebody else's got time to listen.
My give a damn's busted.
Well your therapist says
It was all a mistake
A product of the prozac
And your co-dependent ways
So ... who's your enabler these days?
My give a damn's busted.
I really want to care,
I want to feel somethin'
Let me dig a little deeper...
Naw...
Still nothin
It's a desperate situation,
No tellin' what you'll do.
If I don't forgive you,
You say your life is through.
Come on ... give me somethin' I can use.
My give a damn's busted.
Well, I really want to care
I want to feel somethin'
Let me dig a little deeper...
Naw, man...
Sorry
Just nothin'
No
You've really done it this time (haha)
My give a damn's busted.

So as he began to realize I was planning to leave he at first acted lije he didn’t care. Then he started the scare tactics. The classic you’re not going to make it out there by yourself. THEN the classic you’re not going to find someone like me. I didn’t respond to him as I was packing. Then something snapped in me and I had to get some things off my chest. So I told him your scare tactics are not going to work this time. Also I am not looking for anybody I just want to be alone. But if I did find some body I would certainly hope to God he’s NOT like you. I let him know how deeply he hurt me with the mind games, and his 15 years of vengeance against me because I ruined YOUR life because I got pregnant.

It has now been 16 years and 4 months since I left him. With NO CONTACT. Just for the record, I never stopped communication’s between him and our son. Since our son was a bit older and was aware of what was going on I didn’t stop their communication. And NOW 16 years later he tells my son he tried to contact me. However my son knew that was a lie. Because I would have told my son. But he kept pushing the subject and asked for my number. My son told his dad that it’s not a good idea. His dad asked if I was seeing someone. My son always protecting me tells his dad that it’s really none of your concern if she is or is not seeing someone. Now he never gave him my number. My son also knows I NEVER want to see OR talk to him again.

I also know he’s still an alcoholic. He was in fact drinking when he was asking about me. Matter of fact he has 2 specific times in the year that he does this binge drinking. Usually around mid March to late April, and then mid October to late November. Now at this point he’s either late for his March/April binge, or he’s early for his October/November binge because we’re only in August.

He is a part of the reason I am broken. I lived a solitude life when I was with him. I lost all my friends. I didn’t go out unless it was with my family. Mom and Dad. I have a hard time talking to people. Because I spent so many years being discarded, and ignored. I feel like now I am a burden to people. But I am working on it.

But just because my son told me his dad is looking yo talk to me brings back memories I wish I had forgotten. So there’s my blog. Thank you for your time

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

✌❤

A Simple Touch.

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So I woke up this morning got my coffee ans was just about to go to wordpress, when I grabbed my phone, some how the goofle opened and the seen an article. This is the title of said article

Physical touch during early life appears to play a key role in moral development, according to new psychology research. I skimmed through the article. But it reminded me of a conversation my son and I had. I never realized I did this, but my son pointed it out to me. Actually there was two main things that was pointed out to me by my son. So the touch. I for one when I had him wanted to keep him in my arms, and hold him ever so gently, but tightly in my arms for ever. He was so perfect. But as we all know the little munchkins have to grow up. Then THEY don’t don’t want your arms any more. Because in reality, they ARE learning and growing. But as for me, I just wanted to hold him in my arms, keeping him safe. As I’ve mentioned before in other blogs, my son and I are very close. He has ALWAYS known that no matter what the problem may be, he was alway safe to talk to me. So by this point my son is an adult, and we had a conversation about how I raised him. He mentioned a few things, but the two that stuck out to me was that I always touched him, and the other was, I never yelled at him.

I hadn’t realized either one. So he explains, as far as the touch, he told me there was times he would be lying on the couch watching TV, or playing a game, and as I walked past him, I would apply a gentle touch, maybe gently rub his head, or a gentle squeeze on the shoulder, but he said I touched him often. He also said he liked it because it gave him a sense of calmness. Now as far as the yelling, I know that in order for me to yell, you REALLY must have hit the nerve, because I am just not a person to yell. For one I don’t like being yelled at, therefore I will not yell at you.

Full disclosure I did not read the article from beginning to end. But it doesn’t take Einstein, to know, the simple and kind act of touch goes a long way. For one it stimulates the brain. Hugging and other forms of nonsexual touching cause your brain to release oxytocin, known as the “bonding hormone.” 

Well that’s the read for today. But please keep your eyes open I will soon be having some interesting content, or at least I think interesting.

✌❤

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

Tatoos.

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Today I decided to talk about tatoos. I was born in the 70’s, raised in the 80’s, and became a mom in the 90’s. And in those three decades so much has changed.

Growing up, most often people who had tattoos was usually not good people. Notice I said USUALLY. I say that because as a child growing up you never seen working people with tattoos. Not even in a fast food restaurant. My first job was working at McDonald’s. I used to wear these black bands. There was this one manager who made me take them off. So I did, but after my shift, I put them back on and had them on again at work. She told me I wasn’t allowed to wear them when she’s on duty as manager. All the cool kids wore those black bands. So I’m guessing she didn’t like that trend. 😂 But in general back in the day tattoos was considered taboo. Then there was a time when I knew this guy, he was just a friend, he was telling me about a job interview he had to go to. He said he hated looking for work in the summer. I asked him why, and he said because of his tattoos. So me being silly I said do they disappear in the winter? He laughed and said no, but to wear long sleeve shirts to cover my tattoos in the summer sucks because it’s so hot. So I asked why do you cover them? He said because most companies won’t hire you if you have tatoos.

Now a days you see all kinds of profession’s with tattoos. Tattoos on the arm like a sleeve tattoo. Colorful tattoos. People have them on their neck, face, basically any where on their body. It’s almost like IF you don’t have at least one tattoo you’re not “trending”. But I do feel that tattoos are a personal choice, and for each tattoo it should have a meaning, other than ( I like it) I do like tattoos. I have two if them.

I want to get two more, in time I will. The funny thing about one of my tattoos is, my dad was always against tattoos. I didn’t even get my first tattoo until I was 35. I had always wanted a heart with a yellow rose, with a ribbon that has my son’s name in the ribbon. Instead this is what I got.

First tattoo

The photo is a little blurry, but it’s a black hear with a black rose, and two red drops of blood. I have it on my left shoulder blade. The meaning behind that is… When my heart stopped. Not in the literal aspect, but when I made the decision to no longer love. To no longer love and care for the father of my son. The 15 year relationship was unrequited love. Now the other tattoo I have is..

Memorial tattoo

This one is in memory of my dad. Yes he was always against tattoos. This tattoo has a very deep meaning to me. First it’s a dogwood flower. Which of course is from the dogwood tree, which is the state tree in the state of Missouri, where my dad is from. I also had his favorite verse from the bible the KJV Hebrews 11:1

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

Now there’s a legend behind the dogwood tree. In short……………………. The tree used to grow big and tall. The woid from the tree was used to build things. However it was the wood used to crucify Jesus. Because that was the wood used, God cursed, and blessed the tree. The tree was cursed to no longer grow big and tall, but to always be small. The blessing is that the flower on the dogwood us a symbol of rebirth. Now if you look closely at the flower you will notice it’s shaped like a cross. On the tips of the petals you will see shades if dark pink that represents the blood from Jesus being crucified.

So you see I’m not against tattoos, I just feel like they should mean something. There are two more I’d like to get. One is of an anchor. In general the anchor can symbolize hope, steadfastness, calm and composure. The other is a lighthouse, they represent the guidance, refuge, and salvation that characterized the life of Christ.

The funny thing about my first tattoo, my dad didn’t know. I was NEVER going to tell him. In fact I made sure to wear clothing that completely covered my back, so that in no way that tattoo could be seen. BUT my niece who was very young at the time blurted it out. So The story is….. My dad loved to take long walks. From time to time he would ask one of us to join him. Most often it was his way if catching up with us grown kids. So that day it was my sister and her oldest daughter. They was wakking and some how the subject of tattoos came up, and my niece blurted out ” Aunt Bea has a tattoo” my dad was in instant denial. But then one day he popped up at my place, I was running to change when he said stop right there. So I stopped. He told me to turn around so I spent around fast, he said turn slowly, needless to say I knew he knew. He didn’t come right out and ask me uf I had a tattoo. I think it was because he didn’t want me to lie about it. Also he needed to see it. He wasn’t mad about it. He actually liked it.

✌❤

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

Empath And Narcissist Relationship pt3

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It took me 15 years to realize I needed to take a stand and put an end to this madness.

Don’t get me wrong. We broke up a thousand times. Each time I hought it was me taking a stand, only to fall back to his charm, and believe his lies. Because of my lack of boundaries. Each time I forgave him, I was, in his mind telling him it’s ok, and please continue to belittle, and humiliate me, because I JUST want someone to love me; and this is the price I’m willing to pay.

But you see growing up vying for validation was embedded in me, it was normal. Ok … I’ll admit, I am that person who has her sunglasses on top of her head and will TEAR the house up looking for them. You know, that old saying “can’t see tge forest for the trees”

Well there was one person I can say did love me unconditionally. He was my step dad. It felt wierd just now, referring to him as my step dad. He raised me from the time I was 5yrs old into adulthood. He never stopped loving me no matter what battles we had. Let me tell ya we had some rough patches. But that’s another blog.

As I stated it took me 15 years to make my stand. But to be fair, my son was my rock in that situation. He was almost 14 years old, his dad and I had just had another round of his binge drinking. He would literally drink 3 to 4 18pack of beer a day and chase it with tequila for 10 to 15 days straight. I honestly believe he was doing something else because in the days he would drink he never did sleep. And if I tried to sleep he would disturb my sleep. So on one of those binge days, I was trying to get him to eat something. He told me to cook something and after this beer he will eat. So I cooked, but he didn’t eat, so I started opening his beers and pouring them down the sink, he managed to save one, but he ended up throwing it at me, that was the first time our son ever seen him hit me. My son was so angry he somehow slung him across the kitchen yelling at him. I knew then, if I stayed things will get worse between him and his dad.

So a few days after that scene my son says why don’t we just move mom, dad doesn’t love us, we should just leave.

So from that point I started looking for us a place to live. I found us an apartment. I know he didn’t really think I was leaving him, because I was the one to call it quits instead of him calling it quits. He thought he was. Calling my bluff. He was in fact laughing at me, saying things like how many times have we been here? You’re never going to find someone like me. Nobody will ever love you like I do. You’re never going to make it on your own. Typical things a narcissist would say.

I told him it don’t matter how many times we been here, THIS is the last time. As far as me finding someone, thats the least of my concern, but if I do find someone I pray to God he AIN’T like you; and I will work however many jobs it takes to make it.

I actually left him, and never went back. It was hard the first year, but then I got a second job and it made things a bit easier. I have been gone from him since May of 2005. We are now in 2021 and I’m still standing strong.

I did say my son was my rock, but my dad had a big part in it also. I really don’t think I would have made it without those two in my life.

I am still single, but I’m ok with that. I can’t trust myself. I know that I am the one who will give my all. To be honest I really think my ex broke me. I used to write little notes when I packed his lunch. I would say things like ” love you have a good day” but he actually told me not to do that. Now I think that if I was to get into a relationship I wouldn’t even know how to love said person. I don’t even think I have a (love language) any more. But any way who knows what the future holds. Just take it one day at a time.

As I’ve said I hope to help someone with this blog on narcissistic personality, and empaths. I’m sure if an empath stumbles upon this blog they will be the one to see a little bit of them in this blog before a narcissist will. It’s understood a narcissist is never the problem. Because they are never wrong, and they will gaslight you into believing you’re the problem. I don’t even think I touched on the gaslighting. But that’s another blog. This one has drained me for now. Re-visiting my past is never easy. But it helps in the healing. I don’t have my das here anymore to talk to when I need to vent, or just need reassuring. Blogging helps.

So I leave you with of course my links in hopes of someone visiting my shop.

✌❤

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/

God Is Always In Control.

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I have mentioned in other posts that I believe in God. I still stand with that belief.

I’m going to start at the beginning. First week in May late Wednesday night some thieves stole my brothers catalytic converter. My brother called the police to make a report. Turns out a few other people on our street had the same thing happen to them. Fast forward to Tuesday 5/25 some time during the night they took his truck. Now that truck is an old 2000 service truck. He was on his way out the door taking out the trash as he usually does on trash day and his truck his gone. I told my brother chances are, your truck is on the Southside stripped for parts, and your tools will be in several different pawn shops. All over Houston.

When something like that happens you feel violated, and helpless. You feel anger. So many thoughts and emotions run through your mind.

My brothers job is a good hour to an hour and a half drive. Mom has a vehicle my dad left for her when he passed. I use that for her doctors appointments and run errands for her. So the idea of taking my brother to work is not so simple. Just for the drive alone. Moms vehicle already has over 200,000 miles on it.

But that same day the police did find his truck in a ditch on the Southside. The police had it towed to a lot on Hardy and Crosstimbers which is about 20 to 30 minites from where we live.

Now my brother had to pay to get it out, which that sucks, because it was stolen. He didn’t abandon the vehicle. He wasn’t doing something to get arrested to have it towed. But he has to pay. But as unfair as it feels, the blessing here is, the truck was found, it was NOT stripped, his tools was still tucked away in the compartments of the truck. They did however take his front license plate. In essence this turned out to be a big inconvenience. Yet I still feel grateful that he recovered his truck and his tools.

Yes I prayed about it. I talked to God. And he does hear us. God works in mysterious ways. God does speak to us, he just speaks softly. That’s why, when you pray, you should be in a quiet place. I’m not talking about those quick little prayers when your gas tank is almost on E and you just need to make one more day to get to work, or that quick prayer for your favorite team to win.

I have to say there was a time when I believe with my quick prayer, we was saved by the grace of God. Not to mention my dad was a man of strong faith. This was years ago. I was 12 or 13 years old. Just for the record…I live in Texas, Texas is known for having tornadoes just pop up from nothing. At that time I shared my room and my bed with my granny. So in the dead of night came a tornado. Power was knocked out. I also should mention that I have a phenomenal strong fear of the dark. When I can’t see, I start to feel a numbness come over me. But I fight THAT feeling to be able to flee the dark some how. So in dead of night the tornado rips through our neighborhood. The lights go out, I jump up out of bed and make a beline around my bed to open my bedroom door. BUT here’s the thing it’s still dark and I still can’t see, but when I got my bedroom door open I seen the image of Jesus. I saw his face looking at me, I reached to grab him and he was gone. Now by this time every body is out of their rooms and we are all gathered in the living room. I was sitting on the couch, and just as quick as the tornado came, it left. I was sitting on the couch hearing the calm AFTER the storm and I just started crying.

Mom looks over at me and laughing she asked me why was I crying now the storm is gone. I told her I wasn’t crying because of the storm, I’m crying because I saw Jesus. She laughed it off. But the thing is, once daylight broke the whole neighborhood was outside assessing their damages. Their was some minor damages. The houses accross the street had trees uprooted, some windows busted out, and a few other things, the houses behind us same just some minor damages. But tell me why the side of the street we lived on seemingly had no damage. No trees uprooted, no busted out windows, just small branches from trees in general. In my heart I know it was Jesus presence that put a hedge of protection around us.

So that is just one of many reasons I believe in God, and I believe God is always in control.

So that being said I am thankful things worked out like they did. And yes I am STILL going to post my links, with hopes of making a sale, or at least some type of an engagement. People asking me about what I can offer. ✌❤

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

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I Hurt When I Look at You: A Poem About Mother and Daughter

It hurts when I look at you

You chin raised so high

So full of self-virtue

You don’t hear my cry

Your eyes full of judgement

As you survey around

Your lips spill your disappointment

As my confidence you pound

Your words so critical

Delivered with a smile

Your opinion of me brutal

Your own child you revile

For years I have tried

To earn more than your love

Needing your friendship, respect and pride

And receiving none of the above

Locked together by blood

Our family ties tight

What should be ours sacred

Has been killed by the never-ending fight

So please believe me when I say

That our time has reached its end

I never meant for it to be this way

But my life I’m no longer willing to defend

I miss what we could have had

But it was only a dream

I like my life good or bad

And no longer look to gain your esteem

It hurts when you look at me

Wanting to be close

And knowing we never will be

Not mother and daughter… now only foes

Here’s another poem I came across. The writer touched on every aspect of having a narcissistic parent.

When you don’t understand, or don’t know what narcissism is, you will forever spin your wheels trying to appease a narcissistic person. It’s difficult for a child to even comprehend what is going on. Not to mention that it is so very damaging to a child growing up in that environment. That child will grow up confused. To say the least.

I have JUST recently delved into reading and researching about Narcissistic personality disorder. Let me just say it is rather complicated. Because first and foremost a narcissistic person would NEVER admit there might be a problem with them. No no no! It will ALWAYS be the other persons fault.

As far as reading up on this subject. I have learned a few tricks. I have responded differently towards this person. Which has helped with having fewer full blown arguments. Because bottom line is you will NEVER win an argument (debate) with a narcissistic person. That is their passion to argue. They love to argue so they can say mean hurtful things to belittle you, and discard you. ( for the time being) Then they shower you with love JUST enough for you to let your guard down. ALL the while filling away all your responses and trigger points back into their memory bank, ONLY to use it against you in the next attack.

Having that happen to you as a child really wreaks havoc on the mind. But that’s another topic.

In my reading and learning on narcissism, I have noticed that most of my reading ALWAYS says to leave that person. Cut all ties with said person. Don’t answer phone calls, texts, or email. Even if said person sends you a card or letter through tge mail simply write return to sender. DO NOT open. And yes that’s what you do if your leaving a narcissistic partner. But it’s not that easy if you have a narcissistic parent. That parent will get older and need your help. My conscious will not allow me to abandoned her. She drives my absolutely batty at times. But she is my mom and I love her.

I know this is part of my problem. I can fix what ever is wrong. I think that’s a part of being raised by a narcissistic parent. We are constantly seeking validation from that parent. We or at least I did, became obsessed with getting a genuine complement. Some sort of validation from her. That’s enough for today. Whew this was not an easy thing to do.

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

✌❤

Depression And Anxiety

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I’ve been suffering with depression and anxiety since I was a kid. At the time, I didn’t know what it was. It used to feel like screaming inside and hoping someone would hear it and help me. But no one can hear silent screams.

Depression is not something you can explain – it is most definitely not sadness. Sadness is about crying and feeling. But depression- it’s the absence of feeling, a hollowed feeling.

Silent Screams

Can’t you hear my silent screams?
They are so loud they echo in my dreams.

Behind this face that carries a smile
Lies a dark road that goes on mile after mile.

My silent screams have been going on for years,
But it always falls on so many deaf ears.

How can they hear these silent screams in my mind?
They can’t hear my thoughts if I keep telling them I’m fine.

What can I tell them? These silent screams carry no words.
It’s just feelings of sadness and darkness that come in its herds.

How can I explain so people understand this?
It’s like walking around in a suffocating black mist.

It’s holding on to happiness like holding water in your hands.
It just trickles between your fingers and disappears into the sands.

I can’t explain how this feels; it’s so extreme,
So I hold my mouth shut to cover my silent screams.

This is another poem I came across that I like. It seems to really hit home with me. When I was almost 4 yrs old my real dad lost his battle with cancer. Seeing him laying on the floor is the ONLY image I have of him.

My older brother has memories of him pushing us on a tire swing, and he has other memories. But that’s the only memory I have.

I remember the day he died there was a lot of people in the house. But the one thing I remember most about that day is. I was sitting on the couch, alone, with my face in my hands crying. Oddly I was worried about who was going to pay the bills. Why was THAT on my mind for one thing. But also why was I consoling myself ? Then the next thing I know we’re living in Texas, and my mom has remarried. It’s as if from the passing of my real dad to the remarriage of my mom it was a total blackout to me. The weird part about it is, it’s as if I woke up feeling unloved. I was 6yrs old then. How does a 6 year old come out of a “blackout” feeling unloved?

I was laying in my bed one night and couldn’t go to sleep. I remember my mom was in the shower so I stayed awake waiting for her to come out from the bathroom. She asked me from the doorway of my room why I wasn’t asleep yet. I told her I couldn’t sleep. Her remedy was for me to read a book. 😶 But why didn’t she give me affirmation that I am loved? As the years slowly passed, life continued, rather I wanted it to or not. These years are so chaotic. I feel like after my dads passing and my “blackout” I have done nothing but spin my wheels. I hated school, because we moved around so much, I never had a chance to make or have friends. But at the same time, I don’t think I tried to make friends because I didn’t want to bother people. I mean that’s what I THINK happened, because even today, I keep to myself. I am not one to initiate a conversation, but if spoken to I will respond.

As I look back on my personal history, I see a pattern of solitude. Yet I long to be loved. I laugh internally at myself because in truth, I wouldn’t know how to act if I was loved.

I realize NOW that in my younger years I was treading water. If anybody paid any kind of attention to me I jumped on it as if it was my life boat. I was so desperate for love that I was blinded to the small unseen holes in that life boat, and found myself draining the boat with a very small bucket.

I found myself in a 15 year unrequited love relationship. Yet I was determined to make it work. It ended up breaking me. Now at my age I have given up. I have the words (Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be) I now simply go through the motions of life. Kind of a sad existence. There are things that make me feel happy from time to time. I love my son with every ounce of my being. He don’t know it but he’s the reason I keep going. He has always been my rock. I stayed strong for him. When he was young I put on mom mode and acted as if I loved life, I acted JUST as excited as he did when he learned something new. We used to go bug hunting. He never knew, in my solitude I was dead. Hindsight I could have been an actor. When he comes to visit I still put the brave happy front. But I digress. AND I need to start being unproductive. 😁

Actually the house we are living in, the owner has decided to sell it. So I need to get it dressed up for photos. Which has my anxiety up because if he sells it. We may have to move. The owner said he hopes to sell it to another invester. But that don’t mean he wont want us to move. So he can flip the house and sell it again. Funny thing is….when I started this ecommerce thing, I hoped it would grow into something sustainable to eak out a living. But Que sera, sera
Whatever will be, will be

But just incase. Here are links 🤷

✌❤

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

Life And Death

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I have so many thoughts that run through my mind while idle. My dad used to say idle hands is the devils workshop. I always understood it to mean stay busy. Find something to do and basically if you find yourself having bad or negative thoughts get busy, clean a room or rearrange the furniture just do not entertain those thoughts because that’s the devil.

There’s one thing I want to make clear here. I believe in God PERIOD. Not because I was raised to believe in him, but because of many factors in my life tells me he is real.  I am ok if you don’t believe in God that’s your choice. I will not try to force my beliefs on you and I ask that you don’t force your disbelief on me.  I will pay someday you see God’s glory.

Just because I say I believe in God, that  does not by any means, mean I don’t have my struggles. I question so many things. The answers are there, but in all honesty  I am either too lazy or scared to find the answers. Those reasons still do not negate my belief in God. We all have the questions of…..if God is all knowing then why…….

  • Why is there cancer?
  • Why is there famine?
  • Why are children suffering?
  • Why does YOUR God allow suffering?
  • Why don’t God end all wars?
  • Why didn’t God stop the car crash?
  • Why doesn’t God kill the devil?
  • Why does God allow people to have pain? {emotional and physical}
  • Why does God NOT answer your prayers?

 

This is just some of the questions I can think of that I get from the people who don’t believe in God. I am no bible scholar, or no historian researcher. I am nothing more than your average Jane Doe trying to live life. There are a few things I reflect on with some of my learning’s from the bible. It’s my understanding that Jesus is the son of God and he was sent here to be the ultimate sacrifice for our sins. {there’s so much more to it than JUST that} but Jesus said that the Apostle Peter would disown him 3 times before the rooster crows. There are many reasons that he disowned Jesus. From my young and naive understanding it was because Jesus was such a good man, He could heal the sick, bring the dead back to life with the explanation that he was only sleeping. So {in my understanding} Jesus did not deserve to die and certainly not in the manner that he was killed. I questioned why would a loving Father do such a thing to his child? But as usual I digress this is not what I wanted to write about.

I was wanting to express thoughts, sometimes when you don’t have a person to talk to about thoughts I find it better to write them. There are times when I try to articulate my thoughts they don’t make sense when I speak them.

So this life and death thing that I want to elaborate on.  No I’m not going on the   “philosophical” What is the meaning of life? or What is the/my purpose in life? Those questions are played out. {in my opinion} my thing is what happens when you’re still alive, but life in you is not? What if you’re in like a {purgatory} in life, and until you figure out why you, will stay there?  Not sure if purgatory is the exact word I should use, but it’s the word that comes to mind. I feel like I have lived this life and I know what it has to offer.  I feel like I have tread water to keep my head above the water but have gained no real ground to stand on.

I take responsibility for my bad decisions. But it feels like ironically when I try to make amends for my poor decisions the universe is against me and laughing at me {not in a literal sense} I’ve spoke on my decision to drop out of high school, I’ve also said I’m not proud of my decision,and how much I regret it. Hind sight is always 20/20.

Side note if there are any young folks reading this { even if it is for a good laugh} my advice to you is do not quit school.

But I still stand on the idea that once the basics are learned, lets start focusing on the future as far as skills, and start preparing the students for actual trade school, or even college. We know not EVERY  person can be the CEO of a corporation. I know back when I went to school there was different classes as far as for the students. Not different as far as Math, reading. science and so on I’m talking different as far as intelligence of the students. Of course I didn’t know this until halfway through high school, and I still don’t know how the teachers differentiated the students as far as putting t hem into what class, but I know of a few friends that had some sort of a prep classes for college. NOT A one of my teachers EVER spoke to the students as a whole about preparing for college.

What are the determining factors for a student to get into college prep classes? Why was  not all students given the same opportunity?  again I digress.

I don’t know what to do, or where to go. I have raised my son, in essence he no longer needs me. I know how that sounds, but that is the intent when you raise your children. You raise them to no longer need you. It’s not a bad thing. We will not live for forever { right now it seems like it} Part of parenting is teaching  your child to be self sufficient.

As I said, what if the life inside you is no longer, but according to science you’re not dead? IS there an in between living and death? What is that called? Not the UNdead, or the living dead. is there a name for that stage of existence? Is this an example of what happens when you die? I have never had a fear of death. But I have always been curious about it.

For example when we finally leave this earth, do we really see our loved ones that have passed on before us? Will they know us? What about the ones who passed before we was born? I know I’m not the only one who thinks about these things.  Well maybe in my family I might be but I know I’m not the only one in the world that thinks about these things. There was a phrase in a movie I watched years ago and that phrase has stayed etched in my mind every since then. the quote is…..

I will have a wish for death long before death finds me

I have wished for death a very long time. I am not suicidal lets get that clear right now. Thou shall not kill. even if it’s suicide it is still a killing. I know there at least 3 unforgivable sins.

  • Blasphemy against the Holy Spirit
  • Apostasy a willful defection from the faith
  • receiving the mark of the beast

Now y’all please don’t think I’m some holy roller yelling at everybody to get saved, or calling out their sins. Because you can trust I have plenty of my own sins to atone for. Straight is the gate,  and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.

I know the bible talks about hell, there for I know there must be such a place.  My dad used to say I know I’m going to heaven because I’ve lived in hell on earth

There was one thing my dad used to say that I didn’t understand for a long time, but now I get it crystal clear. He used to say you’re supposed to rejoice at passing and weep at birth. Now I understand it very well. The tears for a birth is the beginning life and all the ups and downs. But to rejoice is ones passing is they no longer have to worry. They no longer have to deal with this thing called life. The irony of this is when ever there is a death I still cry. I jokingly say they are the lucky ones. But then as I write this maybe that’s why I cry, because I am still here dealing with life, and that’s when I think it’s Gods way of punishing me. Because I know God will provide you what you need not what you want.

well there’s that thought out in the open. Now maybe I can be productive for the rest of the day. now that I got that off my chest.

Continue reading “Life And Death”

My Personal Struggle With Obesity Day 5 & 6

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It’s just a day shy of being a week on this journey. 😶 Motivation is certainly an elusive little thing.

So weekends are different so to say. However, I ironically and unplanned only had one meal one each day of the weekend. Ok so during the week my son is at his place, but usually on Fridays he comes to my place to sleep and go to work from my place. That’s so that on Friday he can bring his clothes and lunch bowls for me to wash. Because on Sundays I cook his lunch for the week. I usually cook him a pot of brown rice with peas and carrots, a pot of pinto beans, and a chicken medley that has sweet potatoes, zucchini, yellow squash bell pepper and broccoli and those are his items he takes during the week for his lunch.

So in a previous post he wanted me to make pulled beef. (It’s usually called pulled pork) but we don’t eat pork so we use beef instead. Now I searched 3 different stores Friday for this piece of beef to no avail. Explained to my son about not being able to find it. He said well try tomorrow (Saturday) and if not no worries. Long story short I found it Saturday. So we had shredded beef on a baked potatoe with bbq sauce it was delicious. And yes that was the only meal I ate that day.

So now we are on Sunday. I wake up early because I needed to go to the store and get a few items to make my son’s meal prep for the week. Now one thing I should make clear here is this… My son works mid shift his hours are 1p.m to 9:30 p.m so when he comes over on weekends we’re usually awake until 2 a.m talking catching up on current events. So those to nights are late nights for me. But ironically I still wake up relatively early. But Sunday I woke up at 5 a.m to have my coffee and get to the store early enough to get back and prep the lunch before he was going to leave. BUT I didn’t know I was out of a seasoning. Sooooo here I go BACK to the store ggggrrrr. So I got everything done. Kiddo wakes up we have coffee together. You know it’s the little things I cherish with my son. Like having coffee out on the front porch. Late night conversations when he comes over on Fridays. And as I think about these current conversations I’m reminded that this is something we have ALWAYS done. When he was younger, we used to have late night conversations well it was his bedtime, but we would talk about random things. Like for example we would talk about Power Rangers. The different ones and what their special powers are. Or we would talk about Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and of course Pokemon would fall into the mix from time to time. Now I honestly knew very little about said subjects because I was a working mom. But I would engage with him in these conversations. Of course as he grew older our conversations would change according to his age and interests.

I remember once when his dad and I was together he told me he was jealous of our relationship ( me and our son) I asked him why, and he said because you two are close and I wish I had that with him.

Side note his dad had a drinking problem. There would be times he would go a long time and not touch a drop of beer or alcohol. Then the next thing you know he’s binge drinking. He would drink 3 to 4 (18 packs) of beer a day and chase it with tequila. We (my son and I) HATED those times. Because he wouldn’t sleep for however many days he was drinking. Of course when he “confessed” his jealousy he was already in drink mode. But I told him that IF you would stop ONLY thinking of YOU, there’s a great chance you could STILL build a trusting relationship with your son. But this man only thought about himself. When ge had free time, you could find him chasing skirts instead of chasing a relationship with his son. But I digress.

So Sunday night I went to sleep about 2 a.m and got up at 5 a.m. I know I need coffee before I can even think about functioning. And it has to be 2 cups. The first cup is just to have the wonderful taste of that bold rich smooth taste of coffee. The second one is the wake up cup. THEN I’m ready to somewhat function. Long morning short my son left about 12:30 to take his stuff home and spend some time with his girlfriend. So after he left I took a nap. Mind you I hadn’t ate except for some rice chips. I planned to sleep only an hour. But I ended up sleeping for 4 hours. Which made for a long night last night.

My goodness I have rambled on so long here. I think my train if thought has jumped the track 😶 hate when that happens. I know this is supposed to be about my struggle with obesity.

So let me just say my plan for today. I’ve had my 2 cups of coffee. I will not be walking today as it looks like rain 😔. But I do have a plan to workout. Also I will be making myself a menu for a 1200 calorie diet. I know I should reduce the amount of calories in order to lose weight, and since I’m not as active as I used to be I’m not burning calories as much. So theres that. Tomorrow I will lay out my menu plan. You’re more than welcome to use that as guide if anyone who reads this is looking for menu ideas. So theres my ramble for today. See y’all tomorrow stay safe and of course here’s my links.

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

✌❤