New Day

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New day but same old bull shigity. Dealing with a narcissist, actually, dealing with a narcissist and the oldest child that encourages the behavior. I know through reading on how to deal with narcissistic people that you’re NOT to take their jabs on a personal level. That being said, it’s a skill that HAS to be learned, and it takes work to learn and put that skill to good use. Truth is it’s not only easier, but habitual to just react to the jabs than to actually put that skill to work. Once you’ve reacted, you have just nurished that narcissists needs. Then you get more upset and frustrated at yourself because of your reaction. You just get so tired of the constant jabs. From semantics to only paying attention JUST to hear you miss speak, to quickly point out that you stumbled on a word. that crap gets old real fast. The constant talking about me like I’m not even in the same room as them, but if I react or get offended it’s the constant ” why so defensive?” Or “We was just joking.” Or “I didn’t mean it that way”

Don’t even think about having a conversation with a narcissist. If they make a statement what ever they say is ABSOLUTE fact. There is no questioning, or relating another scenario; because if you do, then you’re being argumentative. Lord forbid you should EVER disagree with a narcissist.

Sometimes a person just needs time alone to be able to reboot, and build energy and strenght to be able to tolerate, and act according to the toxic person/people in your life. To be honest the best reaction to a toxic person is no contact. Just walk away and leave them to their own devices. However when it’s family, and it’s your elderly mother and your other siblings are “unavailable” not much you can do but bite the bullet. The old saying take one for the team.

She’s back to her old tricks from back in the 80’s when my dad moved us to Florida. When school started and she was home alone, she started having panic attacks (anxiety) except we didn’t really know what that was. NOW years later it turns out they was anxiety, but at the time she and we thought it was that she was going into a heart attack. Most times by the time we hot to the ER the panic attack would be settled. Then we would follow up with our primary physician in short she was prescribed prescribed Valium for her. Of course she wouldn’t take them. She was scared of getting addicted to them. Rather ironic medication for anxiety, yet created another fear. The thing is, when she would want somebody home with her, she would have my dad leave his job to come and get me out of school. We lived in Florida for 2 years, I might have physically attend class at best a half a semester. The thing is she never had this anxiety issue until we went to live in Florida. There she was away from her family.

One of the main characteristics of individuals with increased levels of vulnerable narcissism is anxiety. I have never had a panic attack to where it feels like I’m having a heart attack, I believe I as well as many others have anxiety, it just presents differently. I tend to tinker around with things like reorganising the dishes, or the food pantry or a closet. Basically anything to not focus on the anxiety. Yet finding peace with what I can’t change.

So after 2 years in Florida my dad decided to move us to Missouri. Things was a little better, she actually got a part time job with a lady at our church. Cleaning houses. That was the first time I ever seen my mom have a job. But for what ever reason the job didn’t last very long. Then after a year in Missouri my moms brothers and sister was able to get us plane tickets back to Texas. I was going into my senior year when we came back to Texas. Because the credit system was different in Texas than Missouri, they wanted to put me back to a junior. So I ended up dropping out.

Fast forward to now. Now I have been out of work but looking for work. She has made me aware that she wants me to stay home with her. I am trying to find work that has a second or over night shift. So I CAN be home with her during the day and her oldest golden child can be home with her in the evening.

The thing is back in August I was sick. I didn’t want to spread the virus so I steered clear of everybody. But mom thinks her golden son needs a hot meal cooked for him every night when he comes home. So she was in the kitchen cooking, making biscuits using cast iron skillets. Long story short she hurt herself doing all that. Because the thing is I had been doing all the cooking and cleaning for the past 10 years or more. EVEN while working. They literally began to treat me like I was their maid. But I digress.

I mentioned earlier about anxiety. I have mentioned that I have never had an attack where I thought I was having a heart attack. So I am not saying anxiety is not a real situation, but I often wonder if those attacks are a form of regret in a narcissistic person. One thing I know for sure….. This psychology stuff is crazy. The mind is a tricky thing, and can play tricks on you. I know I don’t makes sense half the time. Probably most of the time. But heres another ranting/venting blog. And of course my links.

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

https://simplegiftshere.company.site

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/

A Simple Touch.

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So I woke up this morning got my coffee ans was just about to go to wordpress, when I grabbed my phone, some how the goofle opened and the seen an article. This is the title of said article

Physical touch during early life appears to play a key role in moral development, according to new psychology research. I skimmed through the article. But it reminded me of a conversation my son and I had. I never realized I did this, but my son pointed it out to me. Actually there was two main things that was pointed out to me by my son. So the touch. I for one when I had him wanted to keep him in my arms, and hold him ever so gently, but tightly in my arms for ever. He was so perfect. But as we all know the little munchkins have to grow up. Then THEY don’t don’t want your arms any more. Because in reality, they ARE learning and growing. But as for me, I just wanted to hold him in my arms, keeping him safe. As I’ve mentioned before in other blogs, my son and I are very close. He has ALWAYS known that no matter what the problem may be, he was alway safe to talk to me. So by this point my son is an adult, and we had a conversation about how I raised him. He mentioned a few things, but the two that stuck out to me was that I always touched him, and the other was, I never yelled at him.

I hadn’t realized either one. So he explains, as far as the touch, he told me there was times he would be lying on the couch watching TV, or playing a game, and as I walked past him, I would apply a gentle touch, maybe gently rub his head, or a gentle squeeze on the shoulder, but he said I touched him often. He also said he liked it because it gave him a sense of calmness. Now as far as the yelling, I know that in order for me to yell, you REALLY must have hit the nerve, because I am just not a person to yell. For one I don’t like being yelled at, therefore I will not yell at you.

Full disclosure I did not read the article from beginning to end. But it doesn’t take Einstein, to know, the simple and kind act of touch goes a long way. For one it stimulates the brain. Hugging and other forms of nonsexual touching cause your brain to release oxytocin, known as the “bonding hormone.” 

Well that’s the read for today. But please keep your eyes open I will soon be having some interesting content, or at least I think interesting.

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

Good Morning

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Good morning beautiful people. I hope your morning is going well. Because mine didn’t start out to well, but I not mad. I woke up late. I had planned to go to walmart early in the morning to get some fabric for some new projects. I still got there early, thank goodness. I found some cute fabric for a baby blanket. SO EXCITED! I’m fixing up some gift baskets for a baby shower. Hopeful to sell them. I’m also going to add some things needed when you have a new bundle of joy. Like some diapers, a burping cloth, some baby wipes, some stuff for their little bottom. And a few other little necessities.

I remember when my son was born, I couldn’t use disposable diapers for him. I bought the cheapest to the most expensive, and all of them made his bottom fire red. I had to use cloth diapers. Funny story though. So my mom threw me a baby shower and she invited a friend we’ve known for YEARS. She couldn’t think of anything to get me, so she made up a few items into a gift basket. One of the items was cloth diapers. She asked me not to announce her gift because she was embarrassed of what she got me. She was the only one who got me the cloth diapers. She said if anything you can use them as a burping cloth. So I had to call her and let her know, that it was an awesome gift because he couldn’t use disposable diapers. We laughed. So any way I just wanted to share that with y’all.

I’m so excited to start these new projects. I will be posting photos in the coming weeks. But for now I have to get busy. Have a wonderful day. Be safe, and be kind.

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/

Exciting News

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Ok folks I have been researching and researching for all kinds of information. I will be having some exciting news in the next few months. There will be lots of information coming in the next few months. I want to share with y’all now, but I can’t because I still have to cross all my T’s and dot all my I’s before I can spill the beans.

I know most of my posts have been all over the board. However I guess I’m still trying to find my niche so to say. I would like to ask the ones who are following me id they have anything particular they would like to read? What grabs your attention to say “hey this might be a good read”? Just curious as to what direction I should take this blogging. I will say I have been looking into blogging and taking a few free courses on writing. Things like how to find your niche, how to make a blog, as far as starting it all the way to finishing it. While I know I have not completely mastered it, I would appreciate the help in getting ideas that interest the ones who are following me. Maybe even get them to say “hhmm I think I’ll share this one, maybe some of my followers would find this interesting”. Let me just say to the ones who are following I appreciate y’all more than you know.

I am trying to break out of my comfort zone here, and to be honest I’m feeling a bit vulnerable. It’s a weird feeling to intentionally put yourself in a vulnerable position. But here I am doing it. I really am trying to get my self confidence back. I am learning new things to get the ball rolling and expand my horizons I will no longer except failure, I will simply say this is not a failure, but a detour, and I will take other avenues to reach my destination. My dad always said “not beats a failure but a try” He used to always say things to inspire someone. and his enthusiasm at trying new things made you feel excited and positive about this new adventure. Some day I may do a blog about this guy. I have to say he was my anchor, and I miss him terribly. I honestly feel like I died when he did. The sad thing about that is, he would be so disappointed in me. Because while he knew death was inevitable, he lived his life to the fullest. So I need to start doing that again. I need to live. Because I know that’s what he would want me to do. I can say he and I had an understanding and a respect for life and death, we viewed it differently than most people.

Now moving forward there will be no more defeats, It will be just a detour. So before I end this blog please let me know some of the things you would be interested in reading about. and thank you for your time. have an awesome blessed day.

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

This One

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The very thing that distinguishes us both is that I wouldn’t hesitate to choose you in every lifetime. But you wouldn’t even choose me in this one. And although I gave you my flesh and bones, I know I cannot love you into loving me. So there you are overflowing with my love, and here I am pleading for a droplet of yours or whatever I could Salvage. But there must come a time where you recognize that to grieve someone hurts a lot less than forcing them to be a part of you. And I know I should not beg for love, but I just want wanted someone to be afraid of losing me.

Tatoos.

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Today I decided to talk about tatoos. I was born in the 70’s, raised in the 80’s, and became a mom in the 90’s. And in those three decades so much has changed.

Growing up, most often people who had tattoos was usually not good people. Notice I said USUALLY. I say that because as a child growing up you never seen working people with tattoos. Not even in a fast food restaurant. My first job was working at McDonald’s. I used to wear these black bands. There was this one manager who made me take them off. So I did, but after my shift, I put them back on and had them on again at work. She told me I wasn’t allowed to wear them when she’s on duty as manager. All the cool kids wore those black bands. So I’m guessing she didn’t like that trend. But in general back in the day tattoos was considered taboo. Then there was a time when I knew this guy, he was just a friend, he was telling me about a job interview he had to go to. He said he hated looking for work in the summer. I asked him why, and he said because of his tattoos. So me being silly I said do they disappear in the winter? He laughed and said no, but to wear long sleeve shirts to cover my tattoos in the summer sucks because it’s so hot. So I asked why do you cover them? He said because most companies won’t hire you if you have tatoos.

Now a days you see all kinds of profession’s with tattoos. Tattoos on the arm like a sleeve tattoo. Colorful tattoos. People have them on their neck, face, basically any where on their body. It’s almost like IF you don’t have at least one tattoo you’re not “trending”. But I do feel that tattoos are a personal choice, and for each tattoo it should have a meaning, other than ( I like it) I do like tattoos. I have two if them.

I want to get two more, in time I will. The funny thing about one of my tattoos is, my dad was always against tattoos. I didn’t even get my first tattoo until I was 35. I had always wanted a heart with a yellow rose, with a ribbon that has my son’s name in the ribbon. Instead this is what I got.

First tattoo

The photo is a little blurry, but it’s a black hear with a black rose, and two red drops of blood. I have it on my left shoulder blade. The meaning behind that is… When my heart stopped. Not in the literal aspect, but when I made the decision to no longer love. To no longer love and care for the father of my son. The 15 year relationship was unrequited love. Now the other tattoo I have is..

Memorial tattoo

This one is in memory of my dad. Yes he was always against tattoos. This tattoo has a very deep meaning to me. First it’s a dogwood flower. Which of course is from the dogwood tree, which is the state tree in the state of Missouri, where my dad is from. I also had his favorite verse from the bible the KJV Hebrews 11:1

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

Now there’s a legend behind the dogwood tree. In short……………………. The tree used to grow big and tall. The woid from the tree was used to build things. However it was the wood used to crucify Jesus. Because that was the wood used, God cursed, and blessed the tree. The tree was cursed to no longer grow big and tall, but to always be small. The blessing is that the flower on the dogwood us a symbol of rebirth. Now if you look closely at the flower you will notice it’s shaped like a cross. On the tips of the petals you will see shades if dark pink that represents the blood from Jesus being crucified.

So you see I’m not against tattoos, I just feel like they should mean something. There are two more I’d like to get. One is of an anchor. In general the anchor can symbolize hope, steadfastness, calm and composure. The other is a lighthouse, they represent the guidance, refuge, and salvation that characterized the life of Christ.

The funny thing about my first tattoo, my dad didn’t know. I was NEVER going to tell him. In fact I made sure to wear clothing that completely covered my back, so that in no way that tattoo could be seen. BUT my niece who was very young at the time blurted it out. So The story is….. My dad loved to take long walks. From time to time he would ask one of us to join him. Most often it was his way if catching up with us grown kids. So that day it was my sister and her oldest daughter. They was wakking and some how the subject of tattoos came up, and my niece blurted out ” Aunt Bea has a tattoo” my dad was in instant denial. But then one day he popped up at my place, I was running to change when he said stop right there. So I stopped. He told me to turn around so I spent around fast, he said turn slowly, needless to say I knew he knew. He didn’t come right out and ask me uf I had a tattoo. I think it was because he didn’t want me to lie about it. Also he needed to see it. He wasn’t mad about it. He actually liked it.

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

Time

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Time is an illusion, rising from time
Steep is the mountain which we climb

24 hours in a days time. I remember when I was working, I never had time to do much. I get up go to the gym, then be at work by 6.a.m. Sometimes 5.a.m. I liked going to the gym super early because it wasn’t crowded. So I wasn’t intimidated by the gym rats. I don’t mean it in a bad way. I probably shouldn’t use the term gym rat, but I really mean no harm by it. I did call my supervisor a gym rat once, it was only my second day on the job. Yep you guessed it, STORY TIME.

So, I was working at this company that made valves for fracking. I was hired by a temp agency, as they needed a few people dedicated to cleaning the valves.

The valves have something called polyurethane ( NO CLUE) what that actually is, but it’s some type of hard rubber like material; so you had to heat the valves to a certain temperature in order to cut the polyurethane off, then you had to use a grinder to grind the rest of it off. It sounds easy enough, however that polyurethane is HARD to cut. Quick description of my supervisor, he had chiseled muscles very defined, you knew he spent A LOT of time in the gym. He was also very arrogant, had the Napoleon syndrome. Because he was short. well maybe an inch or 2 taller than me. So after he showed me and the other new guy how to cut them off he had us do one just to see how we did it. Jeremiah went first, boom bam done. Now me. First off I don’t like people breathing down my neck as I’m learning something new, and Thats JUST what he did. So I heated up the valve got ready to cut and was seriously struggling, he’s behind me “coaching” me along, and I popped off with this is hard to cut, not everybody is a gym rat like you. Jeremiah bout fell out laughing, and Mr. Campbell was beaming with pride, because it informed him that his muscles was recognized.

So as I was saying about time. When you’re working you’re so focused on the day to day agenda you know what times are allotted for each task of the day. Like mine was Monday – Friday wake up 2.a.m. Leave the house by 2:30.a.m be at the gym by 3.a.m. Do 30 – 45 minutes on treadmill( NOT RUNNING) But walking, starting out as a gentle walk and increasing to a kind of speed walk. God knows I was in no shape or form able to run. but I was working on it. Then I got laid off, and the pLandemic hit. I have always been used to being busy, my time was dedicated to work, and suddenly I had all the freetime I wanted. I didn’t know what to do. All I ever did was wake up go to work, come home and do it again. But I had no work to go to. So I start crafting. Now I’ve taken up sewing. And time is getting away from me. And now I’ve lost my point of this blog. Because I have spent so much time writing it, and at the same time thinking about my projects I need to get finushed. So heres another spontaneous blog with absolutely no content just about time and how it does seem like an illusion. But I leave you with this, cherish your time. Make time and memories with your loved ones. Don’t waste time arguing, especially when it’s a loved one. Because one day will come when we won’t have our loved one to spend time with. But time will always be there. And of course my links

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/

Holidays

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  • Valentine’s Day
  • Mother’s Day
  • Father’s Day
  • Grandparents Day

Now there are several more holidays, but the ones I’ve mentioned above are more of a personal holiday.

Most people I know enjoy getting a gift. I know I certainly do.

Maybe it’s just me, but it feels forced on you to get a gift BECAUSE it’s mother’s/father’s day, or valentine’s. In my opinion, a gift is more enjoyable when it’s given randomly, NOT BECAUSE it’s this or that holiday.

My son has NEVER got me a “Mother’s Day” gift. He has always shown me how much he loves and appreciates me all year long. He would do things most kids don’t think about to do, or wait until they are told to do. Just as an example he would notice the towels need washed, so he would gather up clothes to be washed with the towels. If he needed clean school clothes, instead of him telling me, he would wash his own clothes, and mine. He was very helpful. I’ll never forget one evening I came home from work. That day was an all around bad day. It was cold and wet, lots of flights was canceled due to bad weather. Soooo needless to say working a booth at a parking facility for the airport, people would get upset because they had to pay. Even though their flight was canceled. But one of the things they didn’t realize was, the parking facility and the airport are two different entities. Trying to explain THAT to an already upset customer is quite a task. They are already upset about the flight being canceled and NOW have to pay for a service that (in their mind) did not utilize is just fuel to the fire.

My son was maybe 10 or 11 yrs old. Now after an eight hour shift at the airport the long bus ride home gave me a chance to nap, as I headed home. I was also thinking of what to have for dinner. However I get home and my front door is locked. My son comes to the door and says wait mom. So now I’m standing outside in the drizzling rain waiting. Then he finally opens the door. This boy done re-arranged the living room furniture around, he had candles lit, and he was finishing up cooking spaghetti. But when he unlocked the door to let me in, he also had a poem that he wrote to me. He read it to me. The poem read…

Roses are red violets are blue. I love when I make you happy and you smile at me with your blue eyes. I’m sorry mom if I make you sad by not doing the things you ask. But I want you to know that I love you.

Now that entire bad day I had is gone. So we had dinner and we talked he said to me, “I know I don’t fold the towels like you like, but I will try and do more to help you mom. And that he did. That’s just an example of how you can show you love someone and not have to be a specific holiday. Now he mentioned about not folding the towels right. But I told him, regardless if you fold them how you like or how I like, wrong or right, is not important, it’s the fact that they’re done and I’m very thankful for that.

The truth is, you cannot put a price on love. Love for a parent, or a family member, or your spouse. Your actions towards the person you love says a lot.

So don’t wait until its ——Day, show your love daily. Be random at gift giving, not BECAUSE it’s —–Day. Those kind gestures, and little things you do to help, are so much more appreciated. And when you do give a gift I think it would be more valued because it was random, not BECAUSE of —–Day.

So that’s my thought for today. As usual I’ll leave with and a few links.

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/