So I woke up this morning got my coffee ans was just about to go to wordpress, when I grabbed my phone, some how the goofle opened and the seen an article. This is the title of said article
Physical touch during early life appears to play a key role in moral development, according to new psychology research. I skimmed through the article. But it reminded me of a conversation my son and I had. I never realized I did this, but my son pointed it out to me. Actually there was two main things that was pointed out to me by my son. So the touch. I for one when I had him wanted to keep him in my arms, and hold him ever so gently, but tightly in my arms for ever. He was so perfect. But as we all know the little munchkins have to grow up. Then THEY don’t don’t want your arms any more. Because in reality, they ARE learning and growing. But as for me, I just wanted to hold him in my arms, keeping him safe. As I’ve mentioned before in other blogs, my son and I are very close. He has ALWAYS known that no matter what the problem may be, he was alway safe to talk to me. So by this point my son is an adult, and we had a conversation about how I raised him. He mentioned a few things, but the two that stuck out to me was that I always touched him, and the other was, I never yelled at him.
I hadn’t realized either one. So he explains, as far as the touch, he told me there was times he would be lying on the couch watching TV, or playing a game, and as I walked past him, I would apply a gentle touch, maybe gently rub his head, or a gentle squeeze on the shoulder, but he said I touched him often. He also said he liked it because it gave him a sense of calmness. Now as far as the yelling, I know that in order for me to yell, you REALLY must have hit the nerve, because I am just not a person to yell. For one I don’t like being yelled at, therefore I will not yell at you.
Full disclosure I did not read the article from beginning to end. But it doesn’t take Einstein, to know, the simple and kind act of touch goes a long way. For one it stimulates the brain. Hugging and other forms of nonsexual touching cause your brain to release oxytocin, known as the “bonding hormone.”
Well that’s the read for today. But please keep your eyes open I will soon be having some interesting content, or at least I think interesting.
The effects of psychological and narcissistic abuse come with many devastating consequences, but there are two that almost no one knows about unless they’re a doctor or neuroscientist.
In fact, these two outcomes may be the most destructive result of emotional trauma over the long-term and is an added reason why if you have children with a narcissistic partner you should try to leave as soon as reasonably possible.
I grew up in a narcissistic house where one of my parents was a covert narcissist. The covert narcissist is very secretive. No one outside the house hold would even consider entertaining the idea of said person to be a narcissist in any way shape or form. But if you’ve been the target of a covert narcissist, only you know who this person really is. You know the cruel things this person says to you. Only you know the gaslighting this person does to you. I’ve noticed changes within myself that I feel are the effects of this abuse. Please don’t think I’m playing victim here, because I’m not, however I’m blogging this to try and help others to recognise the abuse and know THEY are NOT the problem. I am hoping this will help them to make the changes needed to begin living a normal happy life. But to also seek help because as I wrote in the first part of this blog, long term narcissistic abuse can effect the brain. I am just now learning about this and want to share this for anybody who find themselves in an abusive relationship, or even come to terms with a parent being a narcissist.
I have blogged about how I used to be as a person. I used to be a fun person. I found humor in a lot of situations. I had funny comebacks. I had a mind that was strong. But through the years, I feel like my mind is not as sharp as it used to be. Through the years of having to account, or answer for EVERY detail of why….. Just as an example…. I most often now days just pull my hair up into a ponytail. But from time to time I might just do a half ponytail and leave half down. But when I do that, I get asked why do you have your hair like that? Quite frankly there’s no rhym or reason, I simply wanted to do the half ponytail. But in the mind of a narcissist there IS a hidden reason, and come hell or high water they WILL attach a reason to it; and that’s with EVERY aspect of your LIFE. If you’re the target of a narcissist, your life WILL be scrutinized. With EVERY move you make. You’re criticized on every little thing, and every word you say WILL be held against you. Be it your driving, the way you cook, the clothes you wear. And YOU are certainly held accountable for ANYTHING you say. For example. You say your plan is to try a new recipe for a dessert. BUT the day got away from you and decide to try it another time. Now comes the criticism. YOU didn’t do that new recipe YOU said you was going to try. Now we don’t have dessert after dinner tonight. (But it goes on with) sure would have been nice to try that new recipe. But somebody got lazy and decided not to try it. Maybe she lost her confidence and was afraid it wouldn’t be good. The narcissist means it to be harmful, to make you feel guilty, OH but the moment you try to defend yourself, NOW the narcissist was only kidding. NOW you’re too sensitive, NOW you don’t have to be so defensive. ( gas lighting)
I dislike using the (PTSD) because I really think it’s overused. But When I notice someone is gas lighting another person, (internally) I get so angry. I see and hear it, but I can’t say anything. Because of fear. I don’t want to make waves and create a problem for the other person being gaslighted. But I want to rescue that person, yet I don’t know if this person even realizes what’s really happening.
Other things a narcissist will do is use projection/gaslighting. They use this as distraction from their behavior. One thing a narcissist despise is staying on topic when there is an argument. They will bring up other topics that wasn’t even about the topic at hand. The next thing you know you’re arguing about something that may or may not have even occured. Being raised by a narcissist, as a child is confusing, becoming an adult from being raised by a narcissistic person is just as confusing, because you wasn’t allowed to have boundaries growing up, so you now as an adult have no boundaries. Then because of the way you was raised, you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist. Because of the way you was raised it’s normalized. ( I hope this makes sense) Because I am now trying to make my life make sense.
I tend to get lost in my writing and go all over the place. I’m not even sure if anybody can comprehend what I’m trying to convey in some of my blogs. But here I am killin it. If anything maybe some folks get a good laugh at my writing skills. but at least I made someone smile or laugh. So I’m ok with that. And yes as always here’s my links to a few items I make. Trying to make my hobby a source of income until I hopefully soon get a job. Thanks for reading, and or clicking on my links. In the meantime I’m gonba try and get tiktok famous kidding I know I don’t have the personality to do it.
When I hear the word independence, I immediately think of the 4th of July. Independence Day, the Fourth (4th) of July is a public holiday in the United States of America that commemorates the adoption of the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776, which declared the original colonies to be free from British rule.
I just want to say This American life is the only life I’ve ever known. The freedom we all have seems to be taken for granted. But that’s not what I intend to blog about today.
But the word independence means free from outside control; not depending on another’s authority. There are many different types of authority. One example is addiction. Addiction is one of the strongest authorities you will ever come to know. Some how we obey that authority EVEN when we don’t want to.
In my younger years, I smoked weed. Now I still believe weed is not addictive, because I smoked it EVERY day for at least a year to a year and a half, then we left Texas and I didn’t have access like I did in Texas. I didn’t have withdrawals from it. Not only did I smoke weed, I would have a mixed drink or 2 or 3 every night with my good friend. I was 15 yrs old, but she was 25 soooo she became my drinking and smoking buddy. But as I said we (my family) left Texas. I didn’t know any body to smoke with in Florida, so I just didn’t smoke anymore. Of course I still would have a few drinks. But I never ended up addicted to alcohol, or beer. But the one thing I was addicted to, was the cigarette. Now I’m not proud of it, but I’ve been smoking since I was probably 13, or 14 years old. There’s a story here on the smoking situation. I’ll explain as quickly as I can. So I had a cousin who was about 2 years older than me. I found out she was smoking cigarettes. So because they was keeping it a secret, once they knew I knew, her dad decided to tell my mom that they, are allowing Tina to smoke cigarettes. Now her dad is informing my mom about this smoking situation as he’s leaving. So mom says ” well she’s your daughter, long as Bea’s not smoking it’s y’alls business” She said her goodbyes, closed the door, turned to me and asked me if I was smoking cigarettes with Tina. I said no ma’am. She responds with don’t lie to me. Now I’m scared, she THINKS I’m telling her a lie. My mind is racing to find the right answer to save me a butt whoopin. So I said ” ok maybe once or twice, but that’s it!” Now I don’t know why, but I remember she went and bought me a pack of cigarettes. I didn’t even know HOW to smoke. I couldn’t figure out how to inhale without coughing. I hid in the garage until I learned to inhale without coughing. I was even more afraid that IF she KNEW I didn’t know how to smoke then she would know I was telling the truth about NOT smoking with my cousin. BUT, still be in trouble because I lied, saying that I did smoke with her when I didn’t JUST to save myself a whoopin, that now if she knows I lied to get out of a whoopin it, ( the whoopin) will be worse.
Now through out the years I have quit smoking, ONLY to start up again. But honestly, I never REALLY wanted to quit. I enjoyed the taste, and feel of taking a draw off the cigarette, and feeling the cool menthol assault my lungs. However I have managed to quit smoking. This time I have quit with conviction. I will no longer be controlled by these cigarettes. But you HAVE to be stronger than your addiction. Because you WILL have a battle of the WILLS. The addicted part of your mind will do it’s BEST to convince you that it’s ok to do it one time, just to take the edge off. But the mind that wants to quit has to tell the addction part that THAT is a lie. Because both parts of the mind know darn good and well if there is a pack of cigarettes you’re not going to smoke just one. Your addicted brain is ok with that, but the part that wants to quit will mentally abuse you. But the one thing I have learn with nicotine, is it usually takes up to 3 days for the nicotine fully leaves the blood.
There are a few things you can try IF you want to quit smoking. First and foremost DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP. This takes time, and conviction. Chances are high, that you wont succeed on the first attempt, and that’s ok. But pay attention to habits, and real need(fix) there is a difference between the two. Once you recognize “habit” then you can start to eliminate one “habit” at a time. Some of my habits was…
Get in the car, light up.
Phone call, light up
Take a walk to the mailbox, yep light up.
After dinner ( although this one falls into both habit and addiction)
Those are a few, but the last one does fall under both categories of habit and addiction, however, try to prolong THE (after dinner mint) at least until the desire to smoke has decreased. Trust me I KNOW that after dinner mint is the BEST top off. Little by little if we stop the habits then we can focus on the addiction. That’s when the real work comes in. That’s when you focus on WHY you want to quit, and take the challenge to fight and be stronger than that addiction. You’ll find each time your desire to smoke decreases and the strong urge to smoke don’t last too long, if you ride the storm and keep your focus on being stronger than…
Another meaning for independence is when you finally have the courage to leave an abusive relationship. But I’ll write more on that tomorrow. For now this will do. Because I really have to start my day.
It’s strange how sometimes we feel so frustrated, and during the feelngs of frustration we get the victim mentality. We thing of how someone has it better, or how others seem so happy ALL the time. We become envious of that; and think why can’t I be able to have what they have. We tend to think ourselves into a funk, or even to depression. We basically give up. But we’re still here living and breathing. I get like that from time to time. Y’all know I’m trying entrepreneur, not doing well, but I’m trying. I think I still need to find my niche. Any ways long story short, I was enlightened on some information this past weekend that really put some things in perspective. Dealing with toxic people in general is quite a task, but living with, and being raised by toxic (family) is even more difficult.
It’s difficult because these people are supposed to love you and guide you and help you spread your wings and fly and have a chance at life and the pursuit of happiness.
Instead, they take your joy, your ambition,your goals, and your spirit.
I have been trying to blog this all week. It’s just so many moving parts. But here goes.
About 18 years ago my dads daughter from a previous marriage was in a fatal car wreck. It just happened to be on Father’s Day, however his ex wife didn’t inform him until 2 months later. That’s not to say my dad didn’t call her in those two months. Billielin lived in Missouri and we all live in Texas. My dad would call and leave a message but he just figured she was busy. And thought they would eventually connect. Sadly he had no clue what had happened. Two months after the fatal crash. His ex wife some how obtained my phone number and called me. Now I had to contact my dad and my sister. Delivering the message was heart breaking.
Now Pat took custody of her daughters 3 children as they was still minors. Her oldest was 17, the middle child was 13, and her youngest was 10. The youngest is now 28, she contacted my sister to ask questions, and get some information. My sister is actually their aunt by blood. I was in complete shock and disbelief at the information my sister shared with me about her niece and nephews.
You see Pat disliked the youngest 2 childrens dad. She disliked him so much, she had told the youngest that he wasn’t her father. But that’s not even the worst part. Because of Billielin’s death the person who was at fault insurance paid $50,000 because of lost of life. Some how Pat got a hold of that payout and the children got not one red dime of that money. The children’s dad got wind of that and sued the insurance company. As sick as he was he fought to the day he died to right the wrong that the insurance did. He managed to win the battle, and just after his daughter turn 18 he passed away. Below is the article about the death of Billielin Cobb.
But there’s more. These children was in an environment no child should ever be exposed to. Pat and her brothers was cooking meth, and dealing. Now I don’t remember every detail. To be honest, I couldn’t get past the fact that those children was in that environment. However the oldest did join the military he’s since retired from the military and married doing well. As well as the other two they’re doing well.
Now when my sister read the messages they shared, I was in shock at some of the details. As I pondered on this, it really put a lot of how I was feeling into perspective. But to know they all 3 seem to be doing well makes me happy for them. Sometimes you have to walk through the storm to get to the calm.
So I have a new perspective and will continue to do my best to handle what ever comes at me. I will take it one day at a time, and be grateful for what’s positive in my life. I will certainly give less focus on negativity. So there’s that.
And here’s my links please take a look ask me anything if you’ve got an interest in something I have to offer. Thank you for your time
Even people without an extensive knowledge of mental health concerns have likely heard of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)
“narcissist” is often used casually to refer to people who don’t necessarily have a diagnosis of narcissism if they appear to have some narcissistic traits, such as grandiose delusions, low empathy, arrogance, and a need for admiration.
Portrayals of characters with narcissism in movies and television have also increased the condition’s notoriety. While depicting characters with mental health issues in the media can help increase awareness, it can also create problems. In the case of narcissism, much of what’s seen in popular culture rests heavily on stereotypes associated with grandiose and malignant narcissism. If people with narcissism aren’t portrayed as outright villains, they’re typically portrayed as toxic or harmful individuals.
If you’ve had a close relationship with someone who has NPD, you might agree that many of these stereotyped traits have truth to them. Still, it’s important to recognize that NPD can occur in varying degrees of severity, occurs on a spectrum, and can present in different ways. As a result, you may not always recognize someone has narcissism, especially if they live with a less-known subtype such as covert (vulnerable) narcissism.
Covert narcissism is also known as shy, vulnerable, or closet narcissism.
Covert narcissism often involves a more internalized experience. People with these traits still feel unappreciated, need admiration, have contempt for those they consider inferior, and believe they should get special treatment. But instead of displaying outward grandiosity, they may privately fantasize about having their special qualities recognized or getting revenge on people they believe have slighted or wronged them in some way.
SIGNS OF COVERT NARCISSISM
Not every person with some or all of the listed traits will have any type of NPD, but the following characteristics may help identify covert narcissism in people who meet criteria for NPD.
A reserved or self-effacing attitude
Humility or a tendency to put themselves down
Smugness or quiet superiority
passive aggressive behavior
Envy of others and/or feeling that they deserve what other people have
A lack of empathy for the feelings or situations of other people
A tendency to step in and help others out of a desire for recognition
I chose to blog about the “covert” narcissist because this is the one I have personally dealt with. As a child growing up with a parent “on the spectrum” of narcissistic behavior I never knew what to expect yet knew what would happen. If that makes sense.
There’s a few memories that come to mind as I think back on my childhood. I remember it was my Granny’s birthday and mom made her a cake. Mom told me to carry the cake as we was heading out the door to take the cake to Granny. She told me NOT to drop it. What did I do? I dropped it. THAT was a never ending chastise. She yells at me saying things like why did you drop it? I told you not to drop the cake. Now a quick fast forward my son was in the kitchen making himself a smoothie. ( he was trying a new recipe and was measuring everything per recipe request) he washed the measuring cup, then turned to dry it, but he dropped it in the process. I just happen to be there in the kitchen, I turned around saw the look of disappointed on his face, a kind of sadness because he dropped the measuring glass. A quick flashback of when I dropped something came to me, I looked at my son and asked are you ok? I knew he was barefoot so I said don’t move, I grabbed the broom and dust pan to sweep up the glass. As I was doing it he was beating himself up about dropping the measuring glass. I simply told him it’s just a measuring glass, no big deal. We can replace it. Accidents happen.
Because I know how it feels when you drop something and get yelled at for it, you already feel bad because of a mistake you made, theres no need to add fuel to the shame you already have.
There I go giving in depth explanations on things. I have realized that I tend to do that because of arguments with me trying to explain to mom about my feelings on anything. Or trying to have a productive conversation and find a happy medium in our disagreements. I would spin my wheels trying to get her to at least acknowledge my feelings or thoughts or ideas. I didn’t know THEN what I know now.
I think a part of the reason my mom has narcissistic tendencies is for one, she is the first born. BUT there was some miscarriages before my mom was born. Fortunately I have never had a miscarriage, but I imagine it’s devastating. So when you finally carry full term that baby is so important to you. Although my mom is the first of 6 children. However my mom suffered from asthma as a child growing up. Which leads me to lean towards WHY she has cover narcissistic tendencies. Back in the 40’s and 50’s medicine was no where near as advanced as it is today. Just as an example, when mom had a cholecystectomy they cut her from just under her chest down to the bottom of her stomach. Where as now it’s just 3 little incisions. That’s just one example of how medicne and medical practice has advanced. So back then asthma attacks were more dangerous and scary; and there is no doubt in my mind that when mom got sick with asthma the world according to Granny stopped until mom got through the asthma attack. There for creating the covert narcissist. I mean who doesn’t like being nurtured and cared for, being catered to your every need at the drop of a hat. As a child you enjoy the attention for sure. But unbeknownst to anyone it can create a sense of entitlement. Because that was normal as a child to be catered to. I don’t know if I can articulate this into words but I will do me best. However when a person is ill especially a child of course you as a parent will cater to the sick child. Of course that child will love and enjoy the attention. Now the child is better and things go back to normal. But said child is wanting attention so the child will feign an illness. Trust me if you have a child we all know the tricks of the trade. And I know how it seems like a reach, but understand the covert narcissist is the one who secretly enjoy admiration, they use manipulation, and self pity.
I am in no way saying that’s THE only recipe to the creation of narcissism. There is no direct correlation to any reasoning behind or how a person becomes or is a narcissist.
Ok that’s enough for today. But I leave you with these 2 videos. I thought they was pretty funny
Invading an introvert who ALWAYS has someone around them can be exhausting to said introvert.
I call myself an introvert, but I didn’t used to be that way. Yes I am a shy person. I’m quiet until I know you, until I get a read on the type of personality you have. I will then act according to your personality.
That being said, I used to think of myself as a fun person. I mean I didn’t act crazy, but I used to be fun to hang out with. But when you’re dealing with a narcissistic parent, who is CONSTANTLY watching your EVERY move, or attitude, if I show that I’m in a good mood I get ” what you so happy about?” So now I do my best to guard my feelings and emotions. Seems this person is most happy when I’m angry or depressed. Now the owner of this duplex we are living in wants to sell it.
We are three adults living in a 3 bdr 2 bth duplex. We basically have two house holds here. Some years back my mom came to live with my brother. They was doing fine. I was still raising my son at the time, so she decided to go live with my brother since he was single. Then my brother lost his job, and wasn’t able to get another one sooooooo they came to live with me and my son. It was to be just until they get on their feet again. But for some reason, my brother wasn’t able to hold a job for any length of time. Long story short its almost 15 years later and we are still together. Mostly because mom is getting up in her years and I don’t feel comfortable with her being alone. Now my brother is working and I am not. So I am staying home taking care of mom. I just pray my brother can hold this job.
So my title is about invading an introvert. So because the owner is putting this place on the market some people came by to take pictures. I hated that because this place is so small, it’s crowded. But it’s crowded with stuff that’s not even used, or broken; but they will not discard ANYTHING. I could make a list of how much stuff is here, that we don’t use. But I won’t These folks are border line hoarders. My brother has 3 storages he’s been paying on for for almost 20 years. He keeps saying he’s going to do something with it. But I would think that after 20 years it’s time to move on. He has at least 2 SUV’s in a storage for why, I don’t know. I used to watch hoarders, but it got to the point you seen one you’ve seen them all, it’s just a matter of what items they’re hoarding. But in watching that fake reality show it was almost always the same psychological issue. And that was abandonment. That’s what made them hoard stuff. Now my brother and I lost our real dad to cancer when I was almost 4 yrs old, my brother was 7 yrs old. My brother says he has memories of dad. He remembers an old tire swing dad used to push us on, along with others. I on the other hand only remember seeing him lying on the floor. I knew he was dead.
I know people deal with traumatic situations in different ways. I really don’t know what my brother was thinking or feeling that day.
I can only speculate what mom was feeling. Now that I’m older, I understand things differently. As a child, I had no choice but to go with the flow so to say. But as I look back on so many events leading up to where I am now. I learned lessons in hindsight rather than in the moment.
One of my things I have been enlightened on is my mom. I love her dearly. But I believe she has narcissistic tendencies if not, a person with narcissistic personality disorder. So my mom has 3 children her oldest is a boy then there’s me (I’m a girl) then nine and a half years later she had my sister with her second husband. But me, well if you let her (mom) tell it, I was her “rebel” child. I was her most challenging child. Which may be true. I did question many of her reasons for not allowing me to do things. Like spend the night over at friends, or cousins house. Why just about anything I wanted to do was ( no ) her only two ansers was ” because I said so, or because I’m your mother”
Being as I feel like I was, and still am her target. I have looked into this type of behavior and personality. Just about every article or book I read; the key take away was leave said narc. Cut off all ties. No contact with this person. That’s a task all in it’s own when you’re in a romantic relationship with a narc. (Been there done that) but not so easy as the child of the narc. Yes you grew up with the abuse of a parent who is a narc. The, never ending battles. And YES they are never ending because anything at anytime you say or do the narc has a memory of said (assault) and will remind you of it ONLY to fuel the fire of a nonsensical argument. JUST to make said narc happy; because now you are upset, angry, or frustrated and THAT’S just what the narc wanted. BUT because this person is your parent you love them. Yes it is a toxic love, it is a toxic parent child relationship. But growing up with another “parent” who was the step dad and a man of faith. He was consistent in everything he said or did. I was taught to honor thy mother and thy father. I wanted to be the good girl soooo I did as my dad told me. I respected my parents as best I could. But I wanted to learn things, understand why the answer was always no. But according to mom I was not honoring her. Because many times when I questioned her reasons it turned into an argument, and the classic ” honor thy mother and father” would get tossed in the mix. Now comes the guilt for questioning the parent.
I think that every child can’t WAIT to grow up. Have their own place and be able to make their own rules in their home. I know I couldn’t wait. But and here comes a hindsight lesson. I wanted to get away from home so bad, I basically made a bad decision and ended up with a narcissistic “boyfriend”. The thing is we tend to migrate to what is familiar to us ( meaning abuse) just in a different form. I know some people think it’s crazy; but there are so many moving parts to this abusive situation that if you’ve not experienced it, or researched ( so to say) most of this will be incomprehensible. ( unless you’re a psychiatrist of some sort)
But that’s a blog for another day. So I was invaded so to say today. Not really because we had made an appointment to have these photos taken so the owner can put it on the market. But due to rain we had to reschedule. We did and TODAY was the day. Now I’m at the table working on my sewing machine. She was fussing about how the house looked nasty. ( it didn’t) it’s just small and cluttered. But that hit a nerve on me. Because when I do reorganize all this stuff, she sees that I did, and she will study the shelves, looking for SOMETHING to ask where it is. Mind you it’s not been used since it was bought years ago, BUT she wants to know where it is. AND it has to be within arms reach. But when she said it ( the house looks nasty) the people for the photos knocked on the door, and instead of addressing mom on the issue, the lady and gentleman received my wrath. I hastily opened the door and said come on in and see our filthy home. I was so upset because of what was said that I took it out on the wrong people, and now I feel bad.
I did a blog on introverts, extroverts and ambiverts. I posed the question asking if people are born to be one of the three, or can they grow into or out of the three. I’m not even sure I am an introvert; but starting to think I have guarded my emotions for so long that fear, anger and or frustration are the only ones that can seep through. If I show excitement, or a sense of feeling happy, I have to explain why I’m in a good mood. Good gawd do you NEED a reason to feel happy, or excited? Most times I try to be accommodating to people, but if I do that in front of mom as soon as those people leave, she lays in on me for something I said, or did. She takes great pleasure in belittling me.
I Hurt When I Look at You: A Poem About Mother and Daughter
It hurts when I look at you
You chin raised so high
So full of self-virtue
You don’t hear my cry
Your eyes full of judgement
As you survey around
Your lips spill your disappointment
As my confidence you pound
Your words so critical
Delivered with a smile
Your opinion of me brutal
Your own child you revile
For years I have tried
To earn more than your love
Needing your friendship, respect and pride
And receiving none of the above
Locked together by blood
Our family ties tight
What should be ours sacred
Has been killed by the never-ending fight
So please believe me when I say
That our time has reached its end
I never meant for it to be this way
But my life I’m no longer willing to defend
I miss what we could have had
But it was only a dream
I like my life good or bad
And no longer look to gain your esteem
It hurts when you look at me
Wanting to be close
And knowing we never will be
Not mother and daughter… now only foes
Here’s another poem I came across. The writer touched on every aspect of having a narcissistic parent.
When you don’t understand, or don’t know what narcissism is, you will forever spin your wheels trying to appease a narcissistic person. It’s difficult for a child to even comprehend what is going on. Not to mention that it is so very damaging to a child growing up in that environment. That child will grow up confused. To say the least.
I have JUST recently delved into reading and researching about Narcissistic personality disorder. Let me just say it is rather complicated. Because first and foremost a narcissistic person would NEVER admit there might be a problem with them. No no no! It will ALWAYS be the other persons fault.
As far as reading up on this subject. I have learned a few tricks. I have responded differently towards this person. Which has helped with having fewer full blown arguments. Because bottom line is you will NEVER win an argument (debate) with a narcissistic person. That is their passion to argue. They love to argue so they can say mean hurtful things to belittle you, and discard you. ( for the time being) Then they shower you with love JUST enough for you to let your guard down. ALL the while filling away all your responses and trigger points back into their memory bank, ONLY to use it against you in the next attack.
Having that happen to you as a child really wreaks havoc on the mind. But that’s another topic.
In my reading and learning on narcissism, I have noticed that most of my reading ALWAYS says to leave that person. Cut all ties with said person. Don’t answer phone calls, texts, or email. Even if said person sends you a card or letter through tge mail simply write return to sender. DO NOT open. And yes that’s what you do if your leaving a narcissistic partner. But it’s not that easy if you have a narcissistic parent. That parent will get older and need your help. My conscious will not allow me to abandoned her. She drives my absolutely batty at times. But she is my mom and I love her.
I know this is part of my problem. I can fix what ever is wrong. I think that’s a part of being raised by a narcissistic parent. We are constantly seeking validation from that parent. We or at least I did, became obsessed with getting a genuine complement. Some sort of validation from her. That’s enough for today. Whew this was not an easy thing to do.
I’ve been suffering with depression and anxiety since I was a kid. At the time, I didn’t know what it was. It used to feel like screaming inside and hoping someone would hear it and help me. But no one can hear silent screams.
Depression is not something you can explain – it is most definitely not sadness. Sadness is about crying and feeling. But depression- it’s the absence of feeling, a hollowed feeling.
Can’t you hear my silent screams? They are so loud they echo in my dreams.
Behind this face that carries a smile Lies a dark road that goes on mile after mile.
My silent screams have been going on for years, But it always falls on so many deaf ears.
How can they hear these silent screams in my mind? They can’t hear my thoughts if I keep telling them I’m fine.
What can I tell them? These silent screams carry no words. It’s just feelings of sadness and darkness that come in its herds.
How can I explain so people understand this? It’s like walking around in a suffocating black mist.
It’s holding on to happiness like holding water in your hands. It just trickles between your fingers and disappears into the sands.
I can’t explain how this feels; it’s so extreme, So I hold my mouth shut to cover my silent screams.
This is another poem I came across that I like. It seems to really hit home with me. When I was almost 4 yrs old my real dad lost his battle with cancer. Seeing him laying on the floor is the ONLY image I have of him.
My older brother has memories of him pushing us on a tire swing, and he has other memories. But that’s the only memory I have.
I remember the day he died there was a lot of people in the house. But the one thing I remember most about that day is. I was sitting on the couch, alone, with my face in my hands crying. Oddly I was worried about who was going to pay the bills. Why was THAT on my mind for one thing. But also why was I consoling myself ? Then the next thing I know we’re living in Texas, and my mom has remarried. It’s as if from the passing of my real dad to the remarriage of my mom it was a total blackout to me. The weird part about it is, it’s as if I woke up feeling unloved. I was 6yrs old then. How does a 6 year old come out of a “blackout” feeling unloved?
I was laying in my bed one night and couldn’t go to sleep. I remember my mom was in the shower so I stayed awake waiting for her to come out from the bathroom. She asked me from the doorway of my room why I wasn’t asleep yet. I told her I couldn’t sleep. Her remedy was for me to read a book. But why didn’t she give me affirmation that I am loved? As the years slowly passed, life continued, rather I wanted it to or not. These years are so chaotic. I feel like after my dads passing and my “blackout” I have done nothing but spin my wheels. I hated school, because we moved around so much, I never had a chance to make or have friends. But at the same time, I don’t think I tried to make friends because I didn’t want to bother people. I mean that’s what I THINK happened, because even today, I keep to myself. I am not one to initiate a conversation, but if spoken to I will respond.
As I look back on my personal history, I see a pattern of solitude. Yet I long to be loved. I laugh internally at myself because in truth, I wouldn’t know how to act if I was loved.
I realize NOW that in my younger years I was treading water. If anybody paid any kind of attention to me I jumped on it as if it was my life boat. I was so desperate for love that I was blinded to the small unseen holes in that life boat, and found myself draining the boat with a very small bucket.
I found myself in a 15 year unrequited love relationship. Yet I was determined to make it work. It ended up breaking me. Now at my age I have given up. I have the words (Que sera, sera Whatever will be, will be) I now simply go through the motions of life. Kind of a sad existence. There are things that make me feel happy from time to time. I love my son with every ounce of my being. He don’t know it but he’s the reason I keep going. He has always been my rock. I stayed strong for him. When he was young I put on mom mode and acted as if I loved life, I acted JUST as excited as he did when he learned something new. We used to go bug hunting. He never knew, in my solitude I was dead. Hindsight I could have been an actor. When he comes to visit I still put the brave happy front. But I digress. AND I need to start being unproductive.
Actually the house we are living in, the owner has decided to sell it. So I need to get it dressed up for photos. Which has my anxiety up because if he sells it. We may have to move. The owner said he hopes to sell it to another invester. But that don’t mean he wont want us to move. So he can flip the house and sell it again. Funny thing is….when I started this ecommerce thing, I hoped it would grow into something sustainable to eak out a living. But Que sera, sera Whatever will be, will be
I was going to get up early have my coffee, then……
So yesterday was wasted. My son was telling me he wanted BBQ beef baked potato when he comes over this weekend. So I planned on getting up early, have my coffee, then take my walk and got to the store and get all the stuff needed for this bbq beef tater.
I told mom that I was going to the store tomorrow (meaning yesterday Friday) she said she needed to go to the bank. Well because of THAT I changed my plan for walking. Now usually she’s ready to go out and about by 10:30 But yesterday I guess she needed to watch her soaps. Apparently there was someone who was about to be exposed for their cheating, or their lies, or maybe the wife was about to catch her husband red handed cheating, or vice versa, anything is possible on those crap shows. Now once those start she’s in them form 11:00 to 1:00. Now, while I’m waiting for her to get ready to go I made a couple Tree Of Life hoops. They’re small but cute.
I want to make bigger ones, but I can’t find bigger hoops. But I digress.
So her soaps are over, I hear her come out of her room, I’m thinking she’s ready, but NOOO she started a load of wash seriously? Ok now I’m thinking she’s going to get dressed. Now it’s 2:00 p.m. Now just so you know, I hadn’t eaten all this time, because I was planning on having a healthy lunch and a small light dinner. But NOW it’s 2:00 p.m. and no sign of rather she’s ready to go to the store. Now I did remind her in the morning that I was STILL planning on going to the store, and asked did she still want to go with. She responds with ” yes I still need to go to the bank”
The thing is, the other day when I told her I was going to take a walk, she asked me where was I going to walk. I told her the park that about a block or two away. Sge said I wish I could walk with you, but I can’t. I agreed and said yeah it would be nice, but you get tired just walking in the stores, there’s no way you could walk on the terrain at the park. THEN we have this frustrating discussion about I don’t want her tagging along. Now of course if I’m going to take a walk for the sake of a workout NO! I really don’t want you tagging along because I’m not taking a stroll through the park. I’m walking with intent to increase my heart rate, so I WILL be walking fast. At least in my mind I will be walking fast. I completely understand she is up in her years, when we do go lut and about together I stay right with her. I stand behind her as she gets into her car. I go into the stores looking for a scoiter to bring to her. I am her personal taxi. But apparently when I try to have “me” time, I don’t want her around, or tagging along But then again this is coming from a person who DOES NOT LIKE BEING ALONE. Where as for me……I CHERISH my solitude. Cleary we are complete opposite.
Now she knows me. She knows I avoid crowds as much as I can. I ALWAYS try to get to the stores before the masses.
So now I’m frustrated and I go to her room and ask did she want to go to the bank at anytime BEFORE they close. Her response ALMOST sent me over the edge. BUT first, because she’s my mom I held back. Her response was…… “I’m waiting on you.”
Now a little background info. My wonderful mom way back in the 80’s had her gall bladder removed due to having gall stones. Now every since then, her digestive track is unpredictable. Sometimes, right after she has her breakfast she has to (take care of business) other times it take hours for said event. So I had told her we’ll wait until you (handle you business) AND that’s why I almost lost it. Because I’m not going to go and ask her has she done the deed because I don’t want her to feel pressured. She KNOWS that about me. I certainly wouldn’t want someone asking me all morning if I’ve…….. Knowing I’m the hold up until….
So I took a deep breath and said I was waiting for you to handle your business without putting pressure on you.
So finally 2:30 p.m we’re going to the store. And to top it off…..there’s no small trimmed brisket for the pulled beef. so I decided I would try another store. But mom is pickling up stuff here and there, asking me do we need this, that and the other. Then she says what are you going to do about the brisket? I told her I was going to go to Walmart. So we finished up at Krogers and went to Walmart, they didn’t have it there, so I decided to go to the super Walmart still no luck. So we made it back home. No sweet potatoes and no pulled beef.
NOW today Saturday my son wants me to try today and find it, but he don’t leave until 11:00 for work AND the fact that it’s Saturday means ALL the stores are going to be crowded. THEN if I’m lucky enough to find one, it’s going to take a few hours to cook. I may not get back till God knows when.
So I’ve decided weekends will be no walking, but ONLY Saturdays will be my “free” day as far as diets and workouts go.
Ok that’s my blog (vent) for todays blog as always here’s links to my little shop.
Even though I know the cake looked like crap, he loved it. And was surprised. He had no clue I was making a cake for him. But boy was I anxious about a lot.
To start with I wanted to surprise him and Murphy’s law kept peeking in on us. You know with the whole car fiasco and basically riuning the day.
Then when he went out with his girlfriend the night was cut short for some reason. So I had to hide all the evidence.
Another reason my anxiety was high is when there’s something I need or want to do, I jump in and do it. I don’t procrastinate. That is a huge pet peve I have.
When I first got laid off in November of 2019 I still would wake up early have my 2 cups of coffee and start doing things around the house that had BEEN needing to be done. Shoot I even painted the living room, dining room and kitchen. Mom had been wanting that done for some time. Then I got caught up on things and was trying to fill my day with things to do.
But I soon discovered something about myself. I never realized I had it until I suddenly had all this “free time” on my hands.
I mentioned in the beginning of this blog how I was anxious.
Anxious: experiencing worry, unease, or nervousness, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome.
Most people are usually anxious about things from time to time. It’s actually normal. In fact my sister and I had a conversation about anxiety. (side note my sister is 10 years younger than me) So we was talking about anxiety. I was explaining that I have never personally experienced an anxiety attack. So I wouldn’t know one if I did. I have however talked mom through plenty of anxiety attacks. So my sister had told me about an experience she had with anxiety. Her oldest daughter had just moved out, and my sister said she woke up in the middle of the night unable to breath and her heart was beating fast. This is how I’ve heard many people explain their experiences with anxiety.
Now with mom when she first started having those attacks we had no clue what was going on. I remember rushing to the hospital thinking she was having a heart attack. But thank goodness she did not. But we followed up with countless doctors and they found absolutely nothing wrong with her. Which is a good thing. But we couldn’t figure out what was going on with her. Then finally a doctor told us it was anxiety. So I’ve talked mom down on many occasions when she would have these anxiety attacks. Yet to this day I don’t know what THAT type of anxiety attack feels like.
So in this current lay off, I’m trying to think of a job I can do where there’s not so much hard manual labor. I’m getting too old for all this heavy lifting and such. I tried to go back to school, but covid had other plans and decided to shut the country down. Great
So I start racing in my mind what can I do? As far as work. Ironically I have always worked. But I have no real skills, or a certificate that says I know how to do something. As I mentioned I’m getting too old for this hard manual labor, and nobody can live on minimum wage unless they work 2 jobs.
So the idea of making gift baskets comes to mind. I thought not a bad idea. People buy gift baskets all the time for so many different occasions. Then I start seeing these advertisements for ecommerce. I start looking into that. What exactly it is, how does it work, and what do I need to do. I start thinking maybe I should offer more than just gift baskets. A lot of ideas came to mind. Like making candles, bath bombs, coffee mugs, and other crafty things. I’m also thinking at the same time I can occupy mom’s time and give her something to do.
So I come up with a business plan with a list of ideas to put in this “ecommerce” store. I even get a resellers certificate. I find an ecommerce hosting site and get that set up. (So to say) STILL figuring that out. However I’m trying to keep mom occupied while I work on some of my projects for this site.
Now I’m 6 months into this journey and so far not a hit. I’m ok with that right now. But I digress from what I intend to blog about (typical) as I said I discovered something about me and anxiety. I feel like I have what’s called HIGH FUNCTIONING ANXIETY.
I endure long periods of hard work, then experience burnout, then I procrastinate. I overthink that I am not doing “enough” or I fear failure. Poor sleep—I don’t sleep enough hours, I wake up and cannot seem to get back to sleep, or I have trouble falling asleep. Racing thoughts that make it difficult to relax.
The thing is, I worked at a job for 10 years. I could have ran the company. I don’t mean that LITERALLY, what I mean by that is I knew what needed to be done, when it needed to be done, and I knew how to run every machine in that company. In fact my boss would come to me asking about something. Then the company decided consolidate and move operations to Dallas. They had already shut a couple other hubs that was in Texas. We was hoping to keep the Houston hub, but the company decided to keep the Dallas hub and shut down the Houston hub.(just my luck)
So naturally anxiety creeps up, but who wouldn’t be worried you’re fixing to be out of a job. However I was lucky enough to land a job 6 weeks later. Oh but now it’s a whole new ball game. A whole new job to learn the ins and outs. Learn who, what, when, where, and why.
Let me tell you this job KICKED my behind. So it was a job in the energy industry. I had never in my life done industrial work. When I went through the 3 day orientation I was literally scared to death. Because of the emphasis they put on safety alone. I was hired by a staffing agency. She saw my resume and was very impressed with my longevity on my jobs. I was actually hired to clean valves. Once I got there on the job I found out they was valves that are used for fracking. One valve weighs about 5lbs no big deal right? BUT when you have 200 valves on a pushcart that turns into 1000lbs PLUS the weight of the cart. And we had to bake them once they was pressed. Of course the industrial ovens was not in the same area they are pressed in. So you have to push the cart all the way to the other end of the shop. Pushing that cart of valves is almost equivalent to pushing a car. But I did it because it was expected of me to do so. The truth is that was serious hard work. I came home beyond exhausted. I had a supervisor who was difficult to work with. I may one day blog about my experience with that job and supervisor. Just not today. But as I said I would come home exhausted. I would get home and have to cook dinner and clean up. BUT it had to meet moms expectations. Mom would watch over me as I cleaned the kitchen, and she would ask ” what are you going to do with this, or that, or she would say aren’t you going to wipe down the stove?” Just little nagging things that I am of course going to handle, but I think it was her way of “bossing” me around. I have always been her target. So my mind is on constant defense when interacting with her as I have to be careful NOT to set her off.
Now I realize all this time in dealing with interactions with mom is a form of anxiety. But I try to contain the anxiety and not let on that I’m in a slight panic mode. I admit mom and I used to argue like bitter enemies. I of course as her daughter knew I was limited on what I could say to her, as I had to remain “repectful” to her. She has many common phrases, but the two she uses most are Honor your mother, and I am your mother. But she could say anything she wanted, because I have to honor my mother. I have lived in constant criticism from mom that I unknowingly built a defense wall constructed with anxiety. But the type that makes you find away to survive, not the typical hyperventilating and tend to freeze. No, I have the one where my mind says find a quick answer or solution to make it right for now. Keep pushing forward. Never let them know you’re lost for what to say or do.
Now I’ve rambled on so much I’ve forgotten where I was going with this blog.
I can say this, this whole anxiety thing is exhausting. I feel like I’m running out of solutions. I can’t find the right direction to keep things moving. I don’t even have a job, and I am absolutely exhausted.
I have spent so much time and money on this “business” and have no clue what I need to do other than just get a job. Yet that brings anxiety. I don’t like the idea of mom being home alone. She is getting to tge point of needing assistance in some of her day to day tasks. But at the same time I’m not used to not having my own source of income.
So this is my experience with a form of anxiety. I don’t know which is worse, or more exhausting. The freeze and panic or the fight and solve it. The anxiety when you go into a freeze and panic mode WILL end. Although it may seem like it took hours but it usually lasts about 5 to 20 minutes. Believe me I know that seems like forever when you’re in the middle of said panic. I also understand with the freeze panic there’s no warning. It just comes from out of nowhere.
Then the second one feels like it never ends because it seems to be one event after the other especially when you’re around other people. You HAVE to keep this game face on, because if they see you’re out of sorts, thats when they start punching. Bombarding you with questions UNNECESSARY questions. But, with said questions it’s nothing more than information they will file away for future reference. That alone is mentally exhausting.
Which now brings me back to a thought on another blog I did on introverts. Could this be a contributing factor in a person having introvet tendencies?
For example. For one moment, they realize how peaceful it feels to be in YOUR own thoughts. Not having to answer to anybody as to WHY you chose to wear a blue T-shirt instead of the grey one. You don’t have to worry some one may get upset because you asked them to repeat what they said because you genuinely did not hear what they said. And best of all there is NO ONE to drain your energy. Now I do enjoy good conversation. I love hearing people’s opinions, thoughts and ideas. It’s what makes conversation interesting.
So this blog has taken me all day to write. I think I’ve rambled on enough for now. Have a nice evening.