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I can’t think of a title right now. Maybe one will come to me as I write my thoughts down. I know I have not blogged in just over a week. However I was processing some information. Let me try and explain.

First off anyone who reads my blogs know that my son and I are close. People will call him a mama’s boy, and he will look you dead in your eyes and with absolute pride say “Damn right I am.” He has no shame about his love and respect for me. But in general most people haven’t seen how our relationship was formed. There are a lot of moving parts. I also know things could have been worse. That being said, my son and I have been through a lot. To start with, his dad wanted me to abort him. His dad was upset because HIS life is over now. He didn’t want to have kids, AND it’s MY fault that I got pregnant. So in short I told his dad that I was having this child WITH, or WITHOUT you. You can walk away now and we never have to speak again. He decided to stay with me. However had I known THEN what I know now, decisions would have been different. First, I still would NOT have gotten an abortion. But secondly I woukd not have wasted 15 years trying to build a relationship and a family with this VENGEFUL person. He only stayed to make MY life hell because I wouldn’t have an abortion. I know, you folks who are actually reading this are probably thinking that I’m the one who is a narcissist. But in reality I am the empath. Yes he stayed, but it was like we was roommates. We didn’t do anything as a family. Lime go to the park, or the beach, or go out to eat from time to time. No he worked I stayed home and took care of our child. Normal to a point. He gave me an “allowance” of thirty dollars. That was to by groceries, and do laundry. We lived in apartments that did not offer washer/dryer hook ups. So here I am “playing” house. Now in my mind I was thinking he would soon see how loyal I am, and the fact that I truly do love him, that he would start to see his life is not ruined. I honestly thought we could work this out. But unrequited love is just that. Little did I know it would never be. It took me 15 years of (mostly emotional) abuse, to realise he will never (at the very least) respect me. Let alone love me. He is incapable of love.

In short I finally left him for the last time. Oh I must have left him a thousand times. But as usual he turned on his charm, and love bombing. And I found myself right back where I started. THAT’S why when you leave a narcissist you ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO GO NO CONTACT. No exceptions. Or you WILL end up where you left a thousand times.

So when I finally left him for good, I must admit every emotional aspect of my being was dead. With the exception of anger. I had devised a plan to leave. I put that plan into action. I needed a car. He noticed I was looking for a car, and said I’ll sell you the Mazda for $1000.00 I said ok. I got my income tax and paid him a thousand dollars for that Mazda. That was around the end of February. My plan was in motion. I now have a car and am no longer tied to bus routes and bus schedules for my dedtinations. That was step one. I began looking for an affordable but safe place to live. My son was 13 close to 14 yrs old. I was working a minimum wage job. So I found an all bills paid apartment. I put a deposit on a 1 bdr. Side note. As I stated earlier, the only emotion I was feeling was anger. So EVERY TIME. I left in the car I bought from him, I played the song by Jo Dee Masina “My Give a damn’s Busted. The song was very fitting the lyrics are posted

Well you filled up my head
With so many lies.
You twisted my heart
'til something snapped inside.
I'd like to give it one more try
But my give a damn's busted.
You can crawl back home
Say you were wrong,
Stand out in the yard
And cry all night long.
Go ahead and water the lawn.
My give a damn's busted.
I really want to care,
I want to feel somethin'
Let me dig a little deeper...
Naw...
Sorry...
Nothin'
You can say you've got issues.
You can say you're a victim.
It's all your parents fault,
I mean, after all you didn't pick 'em
Maybe somebody else's got time to listen.
My give a damn's busted.
Well your therapist says
It was all a mistake
A product of the prozac
And your co-dependent ways
So ... who's your enabler these days?
My give a damn's busted.
I really want to care,
I want to feel somethin'
Let me dig a little deeper...
Naw...
Still nothin
It's a desperate situation,
No tellin' what you'll do.
If I don't forgive you,
You say your life is through.
Come on ... give me somethin' I can use.
My give a damn's busted.
Well, I really want to care
I want to feel somethin'
Let me dig a little deeper...
Naw, man...
Sorry
Just nothin'
No
You've really done it this time (haha)
My give a damn's busted.

So as he began to realize I was planning to leave he at first acted lije he didn’t care. Then he started the scare tactics. The classic you’re not going to make it out there by yourself. THEN the classic you’re not going to find someone like me. I didn’t respond to him as I was packing. Then something snapped in me and I had to get some things off my chest. So I told him your scare tactics are not going to work this time. Also I am not looking for anybody I just want to be alone. But if I did find some body I would certainly hope to God he’s NOT like you. I let him know how deeply he hurt me with the mind games, and his 15 years of vengeance against me because I ruined YOUR life because I got pregnant.

It has now been 16 years and 4 months since I left him. With NO CONTACT. Just for the record, I never stopped communication’s between him and our son. Since our son was a bit older and was aware of what was going on I didn’t stop their communication. And NOW 16 years later he tells my son he tried to contact me. However my son knew that was a lie. Because I would have told my son. But he kept pushing the subject and asked for my number. My son told his dad that it’s not a good idea. His dad asked if I was seeing someone. My son always protecting me tells his dad that it’s really none of your concern if she is or is not seeing someone. Now he never gave him my number. My son also knows I NEVER want to see OR talk to him again.

I also know he’s still an alcoholic. He was in fact drinking when he was asking about me. Matter of fact he has 2 specific times in the year that he does this binge drinking. Usually around mid March to late April, and then mid October to late November. Now at this point he’s either late for his March/April binge, or he’s early for his October/November binge because we’re only in August.

He is a part of the reason I am broken. I lived a solitude life when I was with him. I lost all my friends. I didn’t go out unless it was with my family. Mom and Dad. I have a hard time talking to people. Because I spent so many years being discarded, and ignored. I feel like now I am a burden to people. But I am working on it.

But just because my son told me his dad is looking yo talk to me brings back memories I wish I had forgotten. So there’s my blog. Thank you for your time

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A Simple Touch.

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So I woke up this morning got my coffee ans was just about to go to wordpress, when I grabbed my phone, some how the goofle opened and the seen an article. This is the title of said article

Physical touch during early life appears to play a key role in moral development, according to new psychology research. I skimmed through the article. But it reminded me of a conversation my son and I had. I never realized I did this, but my son pointed it out to me. Actually there was two main things that was pointed out to me by my son. So the touch. I for one when I had him wanted to keep him in my arms, and hold him ever so gently, but tightly in my arms for ever. He was so perfect. But as we all know the little munchkins have to grow up. Then THEY don’t don’t want your arms any more. Because in reality, they ARE learning and growing. But as for me, I just wanted to hold him in my arms, keeping him safe. As I’ve mentioned before in other blogs, my son and I are very close. He has ALWAYS known that no matter what the problem may be, he was alway safe to talk to me. So by this point my son is an adult, and we had a conversation about how I raised him. He mentioned a few things, but the two that stuck out to me was that I always touched him, and the other was, I never yelled at him.

I hadn’t realized either one. So he explains, as far as the touch, he told me there was times he would be lying on the couch watching TV, or playing a game, and as I walked past him, I would apply a gentle touch, maybe gently rub his head, or a gentle squeeze on the shoulder, but he said I touched him often. He also said he liked it because it gave him a sense of calmness. Now as far as the yelling, I know that in order for me to yell, you REALLY must have hit the nerve, because I am just not a person to yell. For one I don’t like being yelled at, therefore I will not yell at you.

Full disclosure I did not read the article from beginning to end. But it doesn’t take Einstein, to know, the simple and kind act of touch goes a long way. For one it stimulates the brain. Hugging and other forms of nonsexual touching cause your brain to release oxytocin, known as the “bonding hormone.” 

Well that’s the read for today. But please keep your eyes open I will soon be having some interesting content, or at least I think interesting.

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https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

Emotional Effects of Narcissistic People in Long-term Exposure.

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The effects of psychological and narcissistic abuse come with many devastating consequences, but there are two that almost no one knows about unless they’re a doctor or neuroscientist.

In fact, these two outcomes may be the most destructive result of emotional trauma over the long-term and is an added reason why if you have children with a narcissistic partner you should try to leave as soon as reasonably possible.

I grew up in a narcissistic house where one of my parents was a covert narcissist. The covert narcissist is very secretive. No one outside the house hold would even consider entertaining the idea of said person to be a narcissist in any way shape or form. But if you’ve been the target of a covert narcissist, only you know who this person really is. You know the cruel things this person says to you. Only you know the gaslighting this person does to you. I’ve noticed changes within myself that I feel are the effects of this abuse. Please don’t think I’m playing victim here, because I’m not, however I’m blogging this to try and help others to recognise the abuse and know THEY are NOT the problem. I am hoping this will help them to make the changes needed to begin living a normal happy life. But to also seek help because as I wrote in the first part of this blog, long term narcissistic abuse can effect the brain. I am just now learning about this and want to share this for anybody who find themselves in an abusive relationship, or even come to terms with a parent being a narcissist.

I have blogged about how I used to be as a person. I used to be a fun person. I found humor in a lot of situations. I had funny comebacks. I had a mind that was strong. But through the years, I feel like my mind is not as sharp as it used to be. Through the years of having to account, or answer for EVERY detail of why….. Just as an example…. I most often now days just pull my hair up into a ponytail. But from time to time I might just do a half ponytail and leave half down. But when I do that, I get asked why do you have your hair like that? Quite frankly there’s no rhym or reason, I simply wanted to do the half ponytail. But in the mind of a narcissist there IS a hidden reason, and come hell or high water they WILL attach a reason to it; and that’s with EVERY aspect of your LIFE. If you’re the target of a narcissist, your life WILL be scrutinized. With EVERY move you make. You’re criticized on every little thing, and every word you say WILL be held against you. Be it your driving, the way you cook, the clothes you wear. And YOU are certainly held accountable for ANYTHING you say. For example. You say your plan is to try a new recipe for a dessert. BUT the day got away from you and decide to try it another time. Now comes the criticism. YOU didn’t do that new recipe YOU said you was going to try. Now we don’t have dessert after dinner tonight. (But it goes on with) sure would have been nice to try that new recipe. But somebody got lazy and decided not to try it. Maybe she lost her confidence and was afraid it wouldn’t be good. The narcissist means it to be harmful, to make you feel guilty, OH but the moment you try to defend yourself, NOW the narcissist was only kidding. NOW you’re too sensitive, NOW you don’t have to be so defensive. ( gas lighting)

I dislike using the (PTSD) because I really think it’s overused. But When I notice someone is gas lighting another person, (internally) I get so angry. I see and hear it, but I can’t say anything. Because of fear. I don’t want to make waves and create a problem for the other person being gaslighted. But I want to rescue that person, yet I don’t know if this person even realizes what’s really happening.

Other things a narcissist will do is use projection/gaslighting. They use this as distraction from their behavior. One thing a narcissist despise is staying on topic when there is an argument. They will bring up other topics that wasn’t even about the topic at hand. The next thing you know you’re arguing about something that may or may not have even occured. Being raised by a narcissist, as a child is confusing, becoming an adult from being raised by a narcissistic person is just as confusing, because you wasn’t allowed to have boundaries growing up, so you now as an adult have no boundaries. Then because of the way you was raised, you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist. Because of the way you was raised it’s normalized. ( I hope this makes sense) Because I am now trying to make my life make sense.

I tend to get lost in my writing and go all over the place. I’m not even sure if anybody can comprehend what I’m trying to convey in some of my blogs. But here I am killin it. If anything maybe some folks get a good laugh at my writing skills. but at least I made someone smile or laugh. So I’m ok with that. And yes as always here’s my links to a few items I make. Trying to make my hobby a source of income until I hopefully soon get a job. Thanks for reading, and or clicking on my links. In the meantime I’m gonba try and get tiktok famous kidding I know I don’t have the personality to do it.

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Click a link any link.

Empty Nest pt 2

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So the saga of my son and his girlfriend with the missing key to her car.

It is now believed that her Aunt’s son took the key. He’s a 14 yr old. The key is still missing from what I understand, but his girlfriend had a conversation with her Aunt, and her Aunt called the 14 yr old into the conversation. She asked him if he had the key, and the young boy was beyond angery. He was yelling and saying why am I always blamed. But he had so much anger in his voice. ( the girlfriend recorded the conversation then sent it to my son)

Now I know you can’t get a full picture or idea of their day to day life, JUST from one interaction. But from that little bit, it sounds to me like there’s a lot of toxicity within that family dynamics. Bottom line, the key is still missing. So my son had her go get a CLUB to lock her steering wheel.

My son now thinks the young boy took the key, and was going to take the car out late at night. Because the boy had plans to spin the night at a friend’s house. As far as I’m concerned, I feel like this is one big elaborate lie. I hope I’m wrong, but we’ll never know the truth. So Saturday was ruined, as far as what my son had planned.

Seems to me, they don’t have boundaries, or don’t respect people’s boundaries. Why would a person go into another persons bag? Why are you even taking something that doesn’t belong to you? To this day ( I don’t care how good of friends or if we are blood relatives) I would NEVER just go into someone’s purse or bag and take something. I will hand them their bag and let them retrieve the item, OR I will make sure they have their eyes on my while I go into their bag, or purse. That’s just me. I know the feeling of having your boundaries crossed or disrespected.

Ok enough about that key. I hope everyone had a great 4th of July. My sister came over with her twins and we had a great dinner. We had brisket, tater salad, baked beans, mac and cheese, aaannd homemade ice cream. Then we had some fure works. The twins had fun lighting them. Our whole street was lit up with fire works and smoke.

Well that’s about all I have for now. But I would like to say that I have given myself a new challenge. That challenge is to make a quilt. But this quilt will be either an American flag, or a Texas flag, or maybe both. However I first need to sell some items so I can get the material to do this challenge. So please shop around my links and help me out. I would greatly appreciate it.

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https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/

Empty Nest

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I don’t know if this falls into “empty nest” syndrome, but I do know it worries me. Then I wonder, am I over sensitive to the situation?

So I’ve expressed how my son is my world. He and I have been through so much together. BUT he has a girlfriend now. They’ve been together almost 2 years. I’m happy he has a girlfriend and is planning a future with someone. Because he is an only child, when I die, he won’t have any brothers or sisters to help each other work through their grief. He has told me severl times, he don’t know what he’ll do when I die. I told him “then I have a lot of work to do” I’ve always felt that as a parent we should raise our children to be self sufficient. They should be able to live their life once we pass. That also means emotionally. Death is a part of life, and it needs to be talked about, so that it’s understood and this child will be emotionally ready. Aaaaaannnnd there I go again getting off track.

So on to my topic. My son works hard, he works 6 days a week on second shift. Being as he only has ONE day a week off that one day is usually when he spends it with his girlfriend. I fully understand. HOWEVER There’s a few things I’ve noticed about this young lady. Again maybe it’s just me and I’m over sensitive or (PTSD) because I can see it and my son is blind to it. But I feel like she’s a bit manipulative. So let me give you the break down.

The very first time was only a couple months into their relationship. It was Christmas holidays. Now we don’t celebrate like most people do on the Christmas holiday, but we will make a big dinner and make it a point to have dinner together. However, this young lady managed to create an “emergency” and called my son asking him if he could drive her Aunt, to take some food to her Uncle because he’s in the hospital. ( her Aunt don’t know how to drive freeway) In my opinion, that was a “test” run. JUST to see his response. Now through out the course of the year, he would struggle with trying to spend time with me, and with his girlfriend. He has told me there are times he just wants to spend a Sunday with me, but she makes him feel guilty by saying she had planned….. Now any time there was a holiday where the company was closed, he would be with his girlfriend. Mind you I am absolutely fine with that. Now let me give you another example………..

His birthday that just past in May. His birthday was on a Sunday and he took that following week off. He planned to spend his birthday with me. Yet she got up set saying she had plans and now you want to be with your mom. Well if you read my Rainy Day blog serries you will know he ended up spending his birthday with his girlfriend. So ok he spent that day with his girlfriend, I honestly thought he would have spent Mother’s Day with me. But he ended up spending it with his girlfriend. Yes I have spoken on how we don’t celebrate secular holidays, and I have spoke on how we don’t need a mother’s day to express love. So that’s three times thus far, that she has managed to alter my sons plans. Now this weekend coming up up the 4th of July. We made these plans to grill Saturday. He talked about doing this for about 2 weeks. But it was pending on what his work schedule was going to be. Turns out he has Saturday, Sunday, and Mo day off. I was excited for him and the fact that we was actually going to soend some good quality time together. BUT………….. Earlier in the week she called my son and told him her car is making a wierd rattling noise. So he tells her take tomorrow off, and take it to a full service shop and let them make an assessment on it. So she took Wednesday off to have her car looked at, one place told her it was the serpentine tension, she had that fixed, and the next thing you know it’s still making the noise. Clearly that wasn’t the problem. Long story short, it’s something with her air conditioner. Or at least that’s the spill now. AAAAANNNDDD she wants to get it fixed immediately. Soooooo she managed to interrupt plans that my son and I had planned for this long weekend.

So last night my son and I was talking about this situation. I expressed my thoughts and concerns about it. He got short with me. I told him it’s just my opinion I could just be over sensitive. I told him what ever you decide to do I’m ok with it. I explained to him that I understand and respect that he has his own life and future to live. Then he had a call to fix a machine on his job, so we ended the conversation. But at 9:45 .p.m he calls me on his way home from work to apologize to me for getting short with me. I of course tild him there’s no need for apologies, it’s all good. You just do what you feel us needed.

Now my thing is there was a whole conversation between my son and his girlfriend that he told me about AFTER I had expressed my concerns. But in short she was trying to make him feel guilty because he wasn’t helping her. But he was he was giving her suggestions on where to take her car. But for the fact she works early in the morning, and he works second shift, unless he takes off thats about all he can do.

It’s the mind games for me. I feel like she’s playing these little games to test him. I know for a fact some women like to play games as well. It’s almost as if they are testing their powers. So to say. I know this makes me sound like a jealous mom, but I honestly want him to have a life and be in a healthy happy relationship. My concern is, he is a very easy going person. And if he cares about you, he will ve blinded by the games. I have marked on my calendar, dates and reasons. Then when the time is right I will show him the pattern. Maybe he can have a talk with her and have an understanding. Because my question is, who came to her aid before my son? One thing I know for sure, this young lady has a lot of growing up to do. Ok I’m done

But hey why not go look in my store you ain’t even gotta drive just click these links there are all kinds of goodies.

The first link, most of the items are hand made.

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Time

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Time is an illusion, rising from time
Steep is the mountain which we climb

24 hours in a days time. I remember when I was working, I never had time to do much. I get up go to the gym, then be at work by 6.a.m. Sometimes 5.a.m. I liked going to the gym super early because it wasn’t crowded. So I wasn’t intimidated by the gym rats. I don’t mean it in a bad way. I probably shouldn’t use the term gym rat, but I really mean no harm by it. I did call my supervisor a gym rat once, it was only my second day on the job. Yep you guessed it, STORY TIME.

So, I was working at this company that made valves for fracking. I was hired by a temp agency, as they needed a few people dedicated to cleaning the valves.

The valves have something called polyurethane ( NO CLUE) what that actually is, but it’s some type of hard rubber like material; so you had to heat the valves to a certain temperature in order to cut the polyurethane off, then you had to use a grinder to grind the rest of it off. It sounds easy enough, however that polyurethane is HARD to cut. Quick description of my supervisor, he had chiseled muscles very defined, you knew he spent A LOT of time in the gym. He was also very arrogant, had the Napoleon syndrome. Because he was short. well maybe an inch or 2 taller than me. So after he showed me and the other new guy how to cut them off he had us do one just to see how we did it. Jeremiah went first, boom bam done. Now me. First off I don’t like people breathing down my neck as I’m learning something new, and Thats JUST what he did. So I heated up the valve got ready to cut and was seriously struggling, he’s behind me “coaching” me along, and I popped off with this is hard to cut, not everybody is a gym rat like you. Jeremiah bout fell out laughing, and Mr. Campbell was beaming with pride, because it informed him that his muscles was recognized.

So as I was saying about time. When you’re working you’re so focused on the day to day agenda you know what times are allotted for each task of the day. Like mine was Monday – Friday wake up 2.a.m. Leave the house by 2:30.a.m be at the gym by 3.a.m. Do 30 – 45 minutes on treadmill( NOT RUNNING) But walking, starting out as a gentle walk and increasing to a kind of speed walk. God knows I was in no shape or form able to run. but I was working on it. Then I got laid off, and the pLandemic hit. I have always been used to being busy, my time was dedicated to work, and suddenly I had all the freetime I wanted. I didn’t know what to do. All I ever did was wake up go to work, come home and do it again. But I had no work to go to. So I start crafting. Now I’ve taken up sewing. And time is getting away from me. And now I’ve lost my point of this blog. Because I have spent so much time writing it, and at the same time thinking about my projects I need to get finushed. So heres another spontaneous blog with absolutely no content just about time and how it does seem like an illusion. But I leave you with this, cherish your time. Make time and memories with your loved ones. Don’t waste time arguing, especially when it’s a loved one. Because one day will come when we won’t have our loved one to spend time with. But time will always be there. And of course my links

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Independence Day Continued

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This word can be very powerful. For those who have never suffered being dependant, will never know how powerful one word can be. Yesterday I spoke on addiction and how you depend on what ever you’re addicted to take off the edge. I talked about addiction to nicotine.

But today, I want to talk anout another form of independence. The one where you literally have to learn how to live alone.

This type of independence is very scary. It feels like you’re walking on a high wire with out a net.

Often times people find themselves in an abusive relationship. It’s so wierd how it happens. Most often the abuse so suttle, you, dismiss it as a misunderstanding.

But what you don’t realize is, you’re being manipulated. Mind games are being played and you don’t even realize it. You try to do sonething nice, the abuser knows your trying to appease them, and all the while laughing at your attempts to appease him. You end up being consumed with thoughts of how to keep him satified. How to keep him from getting angry. You worry about if the house is clean enough. Because you know if one thing is out of place it could set him off. Now understand, he’s not abusive everyday. There would be times he comes home and he literally acts like you don’t even exist. In fact that can go on for days it’s as if you’ve been discarded for the time being. Those was the good days.

I have always been curious what others think, emotional abuse vs physical abuse, which one is worse. With physical abuse, the bruises will go away. That’s what I’ve heard people say. But when some one you love and who loves you, hits you; that’s not only physical abuse, but it’s emotional as well. I personally don’t think one is worse than the other. I think they’re equally bad.

So I was in a 15 years relationship with an abusive alcoholic. He only physically hit me a few times. But the emotional abuse was constant. Only I didn’t see it clearly in the beginning, because it was so very subtle. Plus I myself was so focused on having a family I couldn’t see he was playing mind games.

But once you realize this is not the life you want; then comes the task of mustering up the courage needed to remove yourself from a bad situation. I have a few tips to give for anybody trying to leave an abusive relationship.

As with just about any and everything you have to have a plan. Stick to that plan as best you can. To start with make sure you have a dependable support person, or group. These people will be your shield. Because your abuser will try to win you back. This plan you have made to leave should include NO CONTACT. I know that if you have children that’s almost impossible, but this is where the support group comes in. They take the child for visitstion. The reason for the NO CONTACT is because you’re breaking another form of addiction. Rather you realize it or not you have become addicted to your abuser; because it is now familiar to you. You’re somewhat comfortable, you know what to expect; and now the thought of NOT depending in him is scary as hell. Just remember you want peace within you and YOUR life. This abuser will NEVER give you or let you have that peace.

My personal independence day was May of 2005.

Ok enough for today. And as usual I’ll leave you with my links. Oh and check out these cute little pot holders.

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Empath And Narcissist Relationship pt3

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It took me 15 years to realize I needed to take a stand and put an end to this madness.

Don’t get me wrong. We broke up a thousand times. Each time I hought it was me taking a stand, only to fall back to his charm, and believe his lies. Because of my lack of boundaries. Each time I forgave him, I was, in his mind telling him it’s ok, and please continue to belittle, and humiliate me, because I JUST want someone to love me; and this is the price I’m willing to pay.

But you see growing up vying for validation was embedded in me, it was normal. Ok … I’ll admit, I am that person who has her sunglasses on top of her head and will TEAR the house up looking for them. You know, that old saying “can’t see tge forest for the trees”

Well there was one person I can say did love me unconditionally. He was my step dad. It felt wierd just now, referring to him as my step dad. He raised me from the time I was 5yrs old into adulthood. He never stopped loving me no matter what battles we had. Let me tell ya we had some rough patches. But that’s another blog.

As I stated it took me 15 years to make my stand. But to be fair, my son was my rock in that situation. He was almost 14 years old, his dad and I had just had another round of his binge drinking. He would literally drink 3 to 4 18pack of beer a day and chase it with tequila for 10 to 15 days straight. I honestly believe he was doing something else because in the days he would drink he never did sleep. And if I tried to sleep he would disturb my sleep. So on one of those binge days, I was trying to get him to eat something. He told me to cook something and after this beer he will eat. So I cooked, but he didn’t eat, so I started opening his beers and pouring them down the sink, he managed to save one, but he ended up throwing it at me, that was the first time our son ever seen him hit me. My son was so angry he somehow slung him across the kitchen yelling at him. I knew then, if I stayed things will get worse between him and his dad.

So a few days after that scene my son says why don’t we just move mom, dad doesn’t love us, we should just leave.

So from that point I started looking for us a place to live. I found us an apartment. I know he didn’t really think I was leaving him, because I was the one to call it quits instead of him calling it quits. He thought he was. Calling my bluff. He was in fact laughing at me, saying things like how many times have we been here? You’re never going to find someone like me. Nobody will ever love you like I do. You’re never going to make it on your own. Typical things a narcissist would say.

I told him it don’t matter how many times we been here, THIS is the last time. As far as me finding someone, thats the least of my concern, but if I do find someone I pray to God he AIN’T like you; and I will work however many jobs it takes to make it.

I actually left him, and never went back. It was hard the first year, but then I got a second job and it made things a bit easier. I have been gone from him since May of 2005. We are now in 2021 and I’m still standing strong.

I did say my son was my rock, but my dad had a big part in it also. I really don’t think I would have made it without those two in my life.

I am still single, but I’m ok with that. I can’t trust myself. I know that I am the one who will give my all. To be honest I really think my ex broke me. I used to write little notes when I packed his lunch. I would say things like ” love you have a good day” but he actually told me not to do that. Now I think that if I was to get into a relationship I wouldn’t even know how to love said person. I don’t even think I have a (love language) any more. But any way who knows what the future holds. Just take it one day at a time.

As I’ve said I hope to help someone with this blog on narcissistic personality, and empaths. I’m sure if an empath stumbles upon this blog they will be the one to see a little bit of them in this blog before a narcissist will. It’s understood a narcissist is never the problem. Because they are never wrong, and they will gaslight you into believing you’re the problem. I don’t even think I touched on the gaslighting. But that’s another blog. This one has drained me for now. Re-visiting my past is never easy. But it helps in the healing. I don’t have my das here anymore to talk to when I need to vent, or just need reassuring. Blogging helps.

So I leave you with of course my links in hopes of someone visiting my shop.

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/

Empath And Narcissist Relationship pt2

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Empath sounds like some type of witchcraft, or sorcery. There are different types of Empaths, I will give a few here so as to get a better understanding.

1. Physical Empath
You are especially attuned to other people’s physical symptoms and tend to absorb them into your body. You also can become energized by someone’s sense of well-being. For example, if a physical empath’s friend is complaining about sharp stomach pains, the physical empath might start to feel a similar pain in their own body. 

2. Emotional Empath
You mainly pick up other people’s emotions and can become a sponge for their feelings, both happy and sad. Orloff give this example for what an emotional empath is: “They can sit beside a depressed person while watching a comedy and walk out of the movie theater feeling depressed. How? The other person’s energy field overlaps with the empath’s field during the film.”

3. Intuitive Empath
You experience extraordinary perceptions such as heightened intuition, telepathy, messages in dreams, animal and plant communication, as well as contact with the other side. Intuitive empaths can be broken down further into these seven types (heads up that this veers more into the spiritual than scientific): 

  • Telepathic Empaths receive intuitive information about others in present time.
  • Precognitive Empaths have premonitions about the future while awake or dreaming.
  • Dream Empaths are avid dreamers and can receive intuitive information from dreams that helps others and guides them in their own lives.
  • Mediumship Empaths can access spirits on the other side.
  • Plant Empaths can feel the needs of plants and connect with their essence.
  • Earth Empaths are attuned to changes in our planet, our solar system and the weather.
  • Animal Empaths can tune into animals and communicate with them. 

Physical, emotional, and intuitive seems more reasonable to me. However, I struggle from telepathic on down. I’m not saying they are not a thing, but for me that’s where I feel like it’s sorcery, It could be that I’ve never experienced it, or witnessed it; And as close as I’ve ever came to communicating with spirits, are dreams of loved ones who have passed. I had a dream of my granny shortly after she passed, in short she came to tell me she was going home, and in the dream she hugged me, but, I physically felt her arms around me and hugging me. When my dad passed I had several dreams of him. But the one that plays over and over in my mind is when he told me he’s not dead, there was a mistake in the paperwork. I’ve also had dreams of my Aunt, and my cousin. But I don’t think those are whats considered “talking to spirits” and as usual I digress.

Being an empath can be draining on a person. Depending on who you’re around it can, not only physically drain you, but emotionally drain you as well.

When I first met my sons father, he was sweet, and kind. I was 20 (young and dumb) he was 26. I had no idea where our relationship was going, or even if he was looking for a future with me, or if he was just being your typical male with typical interests (to keep it clean).

We talked and “dated” for about a month before we took it up a level. Long story short five months later I was pregnant. And boy was that a fiasco. No we wasn’t married, nor was we even in talks of marriage or of any kind of future.

Once I discovered I was pregnant, it was all over the apartme complex we lived in. Now I had of course planned to tell him, but in MY time. However, the news got to him before I was able to. The thing is only my mom and my cousin knew, so the news was leaked. The manager’s husband of where we lived worked with my sons father, and I believe he was the one who leaked the news.

When he found out he came to me and asked me if it’s true that I’m pregnant. Of course I told him it’s true. He was upset about the whole thing, but mostly because he heard it from second hand rather than from me. Which I can understand. However he was also upset about the pregnancy, he didn’t want to have a baby. He literally told me his life is ruined. Now to be honest neither one of us was taking measures to prevent getting pregnant. I take full responsibility for my carelessness. However he did not. Because according to him it was all my fault. He in fact was so upset about it he told me to “fix it” which meant to have an abortion. Now having an abortion goes against EVERY fiber of my being. He tried to get me to have an abortion for 3 months. I finally told him I am having this baby with or without you. You can walk away right now, and forget you ever knew me. But if you walk away now, you can NEVER come back into my or my childs life EVER again. But if you stay, then we can work together and raise our child. He decided to stay. Unbeknownst to me it was for revenge. (This is another hindsight lesson)

I later realized he has narcissistic tendencies. You see when you’re raised by a covert narcissist, you don’t set boundaries because according to said narcissist you have no boundaries because she is your mother. So you inadvertently spend your time vying for approval. Only to be discarded.

That was the very thing I found myself doing with my relationship with my sons father. I felt I owed a bit of debt to him for the way he found out about my pregnancy. I spent a larger portion of the years of our relationship trying to mend that. He used my emotions against me. He played mind games with my emotions. He knew I had lost my biological dad when I was very young, he knew my struggle with wondering what life would have been if I hadn’t lost my dad. He also knew I didn’t want my son to not know his dad. I honestly believe he knew something was broken within me. I clearly showed him I had no boundaries, by my own actions. But when you spend your life vying for approval you’re so blinded by your goal, you don’t see yourself. In fact this was normal to me.

When you’re raised by a narcissistic parent the things you endure become normal, no matter how it made you feel.

I was in that relationship for 15 years. I was constantly being discarded, and ignored. Until he needed to be up lifted. There I am to the rescue (this time it will work he will see how much I love and care for him) but after he drained me of my compassion and empathy, I have been discarded yet again.

Now as I said he stayed with me but only for revenge. His every move was calculated to get a reaction from me. To cause discord between he and I. He would go out EVERY weekend, and stay out until at least 4:00 a.m.

I remember pacing the floor at night worried about if he was ok, if he was in an accident, or got into a fight, or went to jail, my mind would race faster than I paced the floor back and forth from my room to the living room just to see if I see his car parked out side. Then when he did get home he would sleep the whole next day, only to get up shower and go out again and return late. There I am all by myself. Of course I would tell myself ” he worked hard all week, he deserves to go out now and again”. But it was EVERY single weekend. After a couple months I asked him if we could do something as a family one weekend. He said sure whatever you would like to do. So I set up a plan for us to go to the zoo one weekend. All week long that’s all he talked about. Going to the zoo. But he went out Friday night didn’t come back till late and slept the entire day. I was disappointed. He told me to wake him up at a spacific time, I tried but he was truthfully hung over. So we didn’t go anywhere. But the disappointments kept coming. He didn’t want me to work, he used the excuse that he wanted me to stay home and take care of our son. But he didn’t take steps to allow me to do so. I mean he gave me an “allowance” of $30.00 a week. That was to buy groceries, the baby diapers, and wash clothes all week. I literally felt like a peasant. When he certainly made good money as a welder. He in fact made $25.00 an hour and almost ALWAYS had overtime. Yet here I am just trying to make this relationship work, when it never stood a snowballs chance in hell. But I can make it work. Or at least I think I can. I just need to do this or that better. I just need to let him be. Let him have fun and go out anytime he wants to. I never turned him down (romantically) I honestly thought THAT would keep him from cheating. Of course I was wrong. Because not only did he have narcissistic tendencies I believe he was a sex addict as well. Trust me that is a thing. That may one day be a topic for a blog.

So I’ll leave you with this fir now. Because time is getting away from me and I have so much to do. But as usual I will leave you with links to visit my shop. Come back tomorrow for part 3.

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/

Toxic Family

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It’s strange how sometimes we feel so frustrated, and during the feelngs of frustration we get the victim mentality. We thing of how someone has it better, or how others seem so happy ALL the time. We become envious of that; and think why can’t I be able to have what they have. We tend to think ourselves into a funk, or even to depression. We basically give up. But we’re still here living and breathing. I get like that from time to time. Y’all know I’m trying entrepreneur, not doing well, but I’m trying. I think I still need to find my niche. Any ways long story short, I was enlightened on some information this past weekend that really put some things in perspective. Dealing with toxic people in general is quite a task, but living with, and being raised by toxic (family) is even more difficult.

It’s difficult because these people are supposed to love you and guide you and help you spread your wings and fly and have a chance at life and the pursuit of happiness.

Instead, they take your joy, your ambition,your goals, and your spirit.

I have been trying to blog this all week. It’s just so many moving parts. But here goes.

About 18 years ago my dads daughter from a previous marriage was in a fatal car wreck. It just happened to be on Father’s Day, however his ex wife didn’t inform him until 2 months later. That’s not to say my dad didn’t call her in those two months. Billielin lived in Missouri and we all live in Texas. My dad would call and leave a message but he just figured she was busy. And thought they would eventually connect. Sadly he had no clue what had happened. Two months after the fatal crash. His ex wife some how obtained my phone number and called me. Now I had to contact my dad and my sister. Delivering the message was heart breaking.

Now Pat took custody of her daughters 3 children as they was still minors. Her oldest was 17, the middle child was 13, and her youngest was 10. The youngest is now 28, she contacted my sister to ask questions, and get some information. My sister is actually their aunt by blood. I was in complete shock and disbelief at the information my sister shared with me about her niece and nephews.

You see Pat disliked the youngest 2 childrens dad. She disliked him so much, she had told the youngest that he wasn’t her father. But that’s not even the worst part. Because of Billielin’s death the person who was at fault insurance paid $50,000 because of lost of life. Some how Pat got a hold of that payout and the children got not one red dime of that money. The children’s dad got wind of that and sued the insurance company. As sick as he was he fought to the day he died to right the wrong that the insurance did. He managed to win the battle, and just after his daughter turn 18 he passed away. Below is the article about the death of Billielin Cobb.

But there’s more. These children was in an environment no child should ever be exposed to. Pat and her brothers was cooking meth, and dealing. Now I don’t remember every detail. To be honest, I couldn’t get past the fact that those children was in that environment. However the oldest did join the military he’s since retired from the military and married doing well. As well as the other two they’re doing well.

Now when my sister read the messages they shared, I was in shock at some of the details. As I pondered on this, it really put a lot of how I was feeling into perspective. But to know they all 3 seem to be doing well makes me happy for them. Sometimes you have to walk through the storm to get to the calm.

So I have a new perspective and will continue to do my best to handle what ever comes at me. I will take it one day at a time, and be grateful for what’s positive in my life. I will certainly give less focus on negativity. So there’s that.

And here’s my links please take a look ask me anything if you’ve got an interest in something I have to offer. Thank you for your time

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/