I know I’ve been away from blogging. But I have a good reason. I have been diligently looking for work. I want and need full time. However I have an interview today with a retail store. I know 99% of those places only hire part time. But I also have 2 other interviews one on Monday, and another on Tuesday. I will of course attend all 3 and see what each has to offer. I’m almost sure something good is going to happen. If anything it will be a job. So I can generate an income to try and continue my failed ecommerce
Well that interview was a flop. So as I stated, I have been diligently looking for a job, to support my failed ecommerce store. The ONLY reason I applied for the job is BECAUSE it said FULL TIME. Yet she said it would be part time. So I told her I would come in for an interview and see what happens. I had explained to her that when the application had me put hours of availability it showed for an overnight shift. I explained that I was interested in an overnight shift and why. But she said she didn’t have an overnight shift. Then I asked her on average how many hours would I average a week? Her response was… That depends on how well you work, if you do what I tell you, and work hard. She proceeded to say SHE’S the stocker and even if the line backs up all the way to the back room….I’m still stocking. If little jonnie throws up in the middle if the isle YOU have to clean it up. Because I’m stocking. Line is backed up….I’m stocking. So I says to her well that’s rather stressful on account you have more than one register, yet you have a line of customers getting frustrated because YOU won’t jump on a register and get the line down. Then she proceeded to say… If the line backs up I’m ( she) gonna jump on a register and get the line down. I was saying to myself. You speak with a forked tonge. Talking out the side of your mouth. To be honest she sent negative vibes. She was wearing cut off blue jean shorts, unmatched socks. She quite frankly was not very professional. Now I want and need a job, but this didn’t seem like a good fit AT ALL se le vi
I have 2 more interviews this week. We’ll see how those go.
Oh how I wish getting my ecommerce was as easy as getting job interviews. Yes another update. I still have 2 interviews one today, BUT I now have 2 for tomorrow. So today is a position for a baker ar Golden Corral. I can’t say for sure if it would be full time, but I do know the chances are extremely high that I would be working on weekends. Not that I do a lot of going out partying, because I haven’t “gone out” in YEARS. But…. I don’t want to work every weekend either. So I plan to go to that interview today, I have a phone interview tomorrow with a department store at 9:40 a.m, then an in person at 10:00 a.m. with a warehouse job. This job is Monday through Friday, from what I can tell. I’m almost 100% sure it’s full time, and I know for sure it’s CERTAINLY NOT a minimum wage pay.
So I woke up this morning got my coffee ans was just about to go to wordpress, when I grabbed my phone, some how the goofle opened and the seen an article. This is the title of said article
Physical touch during early life appears to play a key role in moral development, according to new psychology research. I skimmed through the article. But it reminded me of a conversation my son and I had. I never realized I did this, but my son pointed it out to me. Actually there was two main things that was pointed out to me by my son. So the touch. I for one when I had him wanted to keep him in my arms, and hold him ever so gently, but tightly in my arms for ever. He was so perfect. But as we all know the little munchkins have to grow up. Then THEY don’t don’t want your arms any more. Because in reality, they ARE learning and growing. But as for me, I just wanted to hold him in my arms, keeping him safe. As I’ve mentioned before in other blogs, my son and I are very close. He has ALWAYS known that no matter what the problem may be, he was alway safe to talk to me. So by this point my son is an adult, and we had a conversation about how I raised him. He mentioned a few things, but the two that stuck out to me was that I always touched him, and the other was, I never yelled at him.
I hadn’t realized either one. So he explains, as far as the touch, he told me there was times he would be lying on the couch watching TV, or playing a game, and as I walked past him, I would apply a gentle touch, maybe gently rub his head, or a gentle squeeze on the shoulder, but he said I touched him often. He also said he liked it because it gave him a sense of calmness. Now as far as the yelling, I know that in order for me to yell, you REALLY must have hit the nerve, because I am just not a person to yell. For one I don’t like being yelled at, therefore I will not yell at you.
Full disclosure I did not read the article from beginning to end. But it doesn’t take Einstein, to know, the simple and kind act of touch goes a long way. For one it stimulates the brain. Hugging and other forms of nonsexual touching cause your brain to release oxytocin, known as the “bonding hormone.”
Well that’s the read for today. But please keep your eyes open I will soon be having some interesting content, or at least I think interesting.
Ok folks I have been researching and researching for all kinds of information. I will be having some exciting news in the next few months. There will be lots of information coming in the next few months. I want to share with y’all now, but I can’t because I still have to cross all my T’s and dot all my I’s before I can spill the beans.
I know most of my posts have been all over the board. However I guess I’m still trying to find my niche so to say. I would like to ask the ones who are following me id they have anything particular they would like to read? What grabs your attention to say “hey this might be a good read”? Just curious as to what direction I should take this blogging. I will say I have been looking into blogging and taking a few free courses on writing. Things like how to find your niche, how to make a blog, as far as starting it all the way to finishing it. While I know I have not completely mastered it, I would appreciate the help in getting ideas that interest the ones who are following me. Maybe even get them to say “hhmm I think I’ll share this one, maybe some of my followers would find this interesting”. Let me just say to the ones who are following I appreciate y’all more than you know.
I am trying to break out of my comfort zone here, and to be honest I’m feeling a bit vulnerable. It’s a weird feeling to intentionally put yourself in a vulnerable position. But here I am doing it. I really am trying to get my self confidence back. I am learning new things to get the ball rolling and expand my horizons I will no longer except failure, I will simply say this is not a failure, but a detour, and I will take other avenues to reach my destination. My dad always said “not beats a failure but a try” He used to always say things to inspire someone. and his enthusiasm at trying new things made you feel excited and positive about this new adventure. Some day I may do a blog about this guy. I have to say he was my anchor, and I miss him terribly. I honestly feel like I died when he did. The sad thing about that is, he would be so disappointed in me. Because while he knew death was inevitable, he lived his life to the fullest. So I need to start doing that again. I need to live. Because I know that’s what he would want me to do. I can say he and I had an understanding and a respect for life and death, we viewed it differently than most people.
Now moving forward there will be no more defeats, It will be just a detour. So before I end this blog please let me know some of the things you would be interested in reading about. and thank you for your time. have an awesome blessed day.
Did you know trauma bond makes you physcologically addicted to abuse and it explains why when you go NO CONTACT feels like you’re coming of a drug. It also explains why men and women are attracted to narcissistic partners.
This is probably why I stay single. I know I can’t trust myself. Kind of like an addict, if you take one drink, you’re right back to drinking again. That goes for anything you’re addicted to, be it alcohol, cigarettes, meth, you name it, if you take it ONE MORE TIME your hooked. That’s why it’s dangerous for an empath to connect with a narcissist. I think that because as an empath we don’t take pleasure in hurting people. We always want to lift them, make them feel worthy, because we know the feeling of worthlessness.
To be honest, if you find yourself in a relationship with an empath, you better take a step back and really look at what you have. Because an empath will go above and beyond to keep things working. An empath will move mountains, to meet your demands. But if that empath walks out of your life, just know he/she is gone. Because you finally broke him/her. This person has ran out of reasons to keep trying.
Ignorance of abusive tactics. Most people are conditioned to believe that abuse requires some sort of physical mark and only happens to uneducated people. But there are seven categories of abuse: physical, emotional, verbal, mental, sexual, financial, and spiritual. And most studies show that abuse is prevalent in all socioeconomic groups, cultures, intelligence levels, and ages. Thinking that It cant happen to me, is the easiest way to fall prey to an abusive person.
Attractive abuser. Narcissists are famous for looking good in front of others with their charming personality and attractive appearance. During the initial engagement with a narcissist, they tend to become everything the other person is looking for in a partner. They love bomb the person with generous amounts of affection, attention, and gifts. The prospective partner believes this is the real person. But it is not and this shell game can only last so long which is why they move the relationship very quickly into something more permanent.
Initial angry outbursts. In the beginning, when the narcissist explodes, it seems so out of character. So the partner easily accepts the narcissistic explanation of blame shifting as an excuse for their behavior. Slowly, the narcissist starts to criticize their partner by saying, You made me so mad. The partner, desperately wanting things to return back to the initial encounters molds themselves into whatever the narcissist says they need. Unfortunately, one transformation is not enough and the narcissist begins to demand more and more.
It becomes addictive. The harder it is to please the narcissist, the harder the partner tries. Achieving some small token of gratification becomes a drug of sorts. The partner gets a high out of obtaining even small amounts of the love bombing from before. It is no different than an addiction to a drug. The first trip is the best and every one after that fails by comparison yet the person is hooked so they keep trying over and over. The partner becomes unable to see their own fall in this downward spiral.
Addictions have rewards and consequences. The reward of addiction (in this case pleasing the narcissist) is a release of the happy hormone dopamine. This feeling of euphoria can make a person feel they can do anything. By contrast, the consequence of an addiction (when the narcissist becomes abusive) is a flooding of the stress hormone cortisol. This puts a person in fight, flight, freeze, or faint mode and diminishes a persons ability to think straight. It takes a good 36-72 hours for a person to recover fully from this hormone.
The addiction is hidden from the addict. Because the partner is not taking a drug, it is very hard to identify that they are even caught in an addictive cycle. This is why the abuse fog becomes so dense and the person is unable to see what is happening. Even when confronted by others outside of the relationship, they still struggle to see what is occurring. Plus, the narcissist tends to isolate the partner from anyone and everyone who might be a threat to them. This makes leaving even harder.
Inability to detach. Even when the partner wakes up and tries to leave, the narcissist pulls them back with promises of returning things to the former existence. Because the narcissist has an intense fear of abandonment, they cannot allow a person close to them to leave. And they will do, say, and fake anything they need to just to keep their partner in the relationship. The mask of the narcissists former self comes out again but once again, it is short lived. As soon as the partner has returned, the mask is smashed as the partner is even more ensnared.
Addicted to the mask. Even when times get bad, the addiction to the mask of the narcissist is so strong now after all of the reinforcement. The fear that life can never be as good without the mask of the narcissist traps the partner into staying. Just the thought of leaving again causes panic attacks, depression, and even suicidal thoughts. The darker a person gets, the harder it is to take action to leave which is exactly what bonds them to the narcissist.
Let me just say it is difficult to leave. There are a lot of moving parts. Fear, anxiety, failure, just to name a few will dance around in your head. When and IF you do leave, you will feel like it was better with the narcissist, because that’s what’s normal to you. Because trust and believe YOU WILL BE OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE. But with strenght, and hopefully a support of some sort you will learn to live YOUR life. Ok blogged for the day. Sometimes I wish I knew how to write a book. you know because I have such GREAT writing skills. look below my links
I don’t know if this falls into “empty nest” syndrome, but I do know it worries me. Then I wonder, am I over sensitive to the situation?
So I’ve expressed how my son is my world. He and I have been through so much together. BUT he has a girlfriend now. They’ve been together almost 2 years. I’m happy he has a girlfriend and is planning a future with someone. Because he is an only child, when I die, he won’t have any brothers or sisters to help each other work through their grief. He has told me severl times, he don’t know what he’ll do when I die. I told him “then I have a lot of work to do” I’ve always felt that as a parent we should raise our children to be self sufficient. They should be able to live their life once we pass. That also means emotionally. Death is a part of life, and it needs to be talked about, so that it’s understood and this child will be emotionally ready. Aaaaaannnnd there I go again getting off track.
So on to my topic. My son works hard, he works 6 days a week on second shift. Being as he only has ONE day a week off that one day is usually when he spends it with his girlfriend. I fully understand. HOWEVER There’s a few things I’ve noticed about this young lady. Again maybe it’s just me and I’m over sensitive or (PTSD) because I can see it and my son is blind to it. But I feel like she’s a bit manipulative. So let me give you the break down.
The very first time was only a couple months into their relationship. It was Christmas holidays. Now we don’t celebrate like most people do on the Christmas holiday, but we will make a big dinner and make it a point to have dinner together. However, this young lady managed to create an “emergency” and called my son asking him if he could drive her Aunt, to take some food to her Uncle because he’s in the hospital. ( her Aunt don’t know how to drive freeway) In my opinion, that was a “test” run. JUST to see his response. Now through out the course of the year, he would struggle with trying to spend time with me, and with his girlfriend. He has told me there are times he just wants to spend a Sunday with me, but she makes him feel guilty by saying she had planned….. Now any time there was a holiday where the company was closed, he would be with his girlfriend. Mind you I am absolutely fine with that. Now let me give you another example………..
His birthday that just past in May. His birthday was on a Sunday and he took that following week off. He planned to spend his birthday with me. Yet she got up set saying she had plans and now you want to be with your mom. Well if you read my Rainy Day blog serries you will know he ended up spending his birthday with his girlfriend. So ok he spent that day with his girlfriend, I honestly thought he would have spent Mother’s Day with me. But he ended up spending it with his girlfriend. Yes I have spoken on how we don’t celebrate secular holidays, and I have spoke on how we don’t need a mother’s day to express love. So that’s three times thus far, that she has managed to alter my sons plans. Now this weekend coming up up the 4th of July. We made these plans to grill Saturday. He talked about doing this for about 2 weeks. But it was pending on what his work schedule was going to be. Turns out he has Saturday, Sunday, and Mo day off. I was excited for him and the fact that we was actually going to soend some good quality time together. BUT………….. Earlier in the week she called my son and told him her car is making a wierd rattling noise. So he tells her take tomorrow off, and take it to a full service shop and let them make an assessment on it. So she took Wednesday off to have her car looked at, one place told her it was the serpentine tension, she had that fixed, and the next thing you know it’s still making the noise. Clearly that wasn’t the problem. Long story short, it’s something with her air conditioner. Or at least that’s the spill now. AAAAANNNDDD she wants to get it fixed immediately. Soooooo she managed to interrupt plans that my son and I had planned for this long weekend.
So last night my son and I was talking about this situation. I expressed my thoughts and concerns about it. He got short with me. I told him it’s just my opinion I could just be over sensitive. I told him what ever you decide to do I’m ok with it. I explained to him that I understand and respect that he has his own life and future to live. Then he had a call to fix a machine on his job, so we ended the conversation. But at 9:45 .p.m he calls me on his way home from work to apologize to me for getting short with me. I of course tild him there’s no need for apologies, it’s all good. You just do what you feel us needed.
Now my thing is there was a whole conversation between my son and his girlfriend that he told me about AFTER I had expressed my concerns. But in short she was trying to make him feel guilty because he wasn’t helping her. But he was he was giving her suggestions on where to take her car. But for the fact she works early in the morning, and he works second shift, unless he takes off thats about all he can do.
It’s the mind games for me. I feel like she’s playing these little games to test him. I know for a fact some women like to play games as well. It’s almost as if they are testing their powers. So to say. I know this makes me sound like a jealous mom, but I honestly want him to have a life and be in a healthy happy relationship. My concern is, he is a very easy going person. And if he cares about you, he will ve blinded by the games. I have marked on my calendar, dates and reasons. Then when the time is right I will show him the pattern. Maybe he can have a talk with her and have an understanding. Because my question is, who came to her aid before my son? One thing I know for sure, this young lady has a lot of growing up to do. Ok I’m done
But hey why not go look in my store you ain’t even gotta drive just click these links there are all kinds of goodies.
Time is an illusion, rising from time Steep is the mountain which we climb
24 hours in a days time. I remember when I was working, I never had time to do much. I get up go to the gym, then be at work by 6.a.m. Sometimes 5.a.m. I liked going to the gym super early because it wasn’t crowded. So I wasn’t intimidated by the gym rats. I don’t mean it in a bad way. I probably shouldn’t use the term gym rat, but I really mean no harm by it. I did call my supervisor a gym rat once, it was only my second day on the job. Yep you guessed it, STORY TIME.
So, I was working at this company that made valves for fracking. I was hired by a temp agency, as they needed a few people dedicated to cleaning the valves.
The valves have something called polyurethane ( NO CLUE) what that actually is, but it’s some type of hard rubber like material; so you had to heat the valves to a certain temperature in order to cut the polyurethane off, then you had to use a grinder to grind the rest of it off. It sounds easy enough, however that polyurethane is HARD to cut. Quick description of my supervisor, he had chiseled muscles very defined, you knew he spent A LOT of time in the gym. He was also very arrogant, had the Napoleon syndrome. Because he was short. well maybe an inch or 2 taller than me. So after he showed me and the other new guy how to cut them off he had us do one just to see how we did it. Jeremiah went first, boom bam done. Now me. First off I don’t like people breathing down my neck as I’m learning something new, and Thats JUST what he did. So I heated up the valve got ready to cut and was seriously struggling, he’s behind me “coaching” me along, and I popped off with this is hard to cut, not everybody is a gym rat like you. Jeremiah bout fell out laughing, and Mr. Campbell was beaming with pride, because it informed him that his muscles was recognized.
So as I was saying about time. When you’re working you’re so focused on the day to day agenda you know what times are allotted for each task of the day. Like mine was Monday – Friday wake up 2.a.m. Leave the house by 2:30.a.m be at the gym by 3.a.m. Do 30 – 45 minutes on treadmill( NOT RUNNING) But walking, starting out as a gentle walk and increasing to a kind of speed walk. God knows I was in no shape or form able to run. but I was working on it. Then I got laid off, and the pLandemic hit. I have always been used to being busy, my time was dedicated to work, and suddenly I had all the freetime I wanted. I didn’t know what to do. All I ever did was wake up go to work, come home and do it again. But I had no work to go to. So I start crafting. Now I’ve taken up sewing. And time is getting away from me. And now I’ve lost my point of this blog. Because I have spent so much time writing it, and at the same time thinking about my projects I need to get finushed. So heres another spontaneous blog with absolutely no content just about time and how it does seem like an illusion. But I leave you with this, cherish your time. Make time and memories with your loved ones. Don’t waste time arguing, especially when it’s a loved one. Because one day will come when we won’t have our loved one to spend time with. But time will always be there. And of course my links
This word can be very powerful. For those who have never suffered being dependant, will never know how powerful one word can be. Yesterday I spoke on addiction and how you depend on what ever you’re addicted to take off the edge. I talked about addiction to nicotine.
But today, I want to talk anout another form of independence. The one where you literally have to learn how to live alone.
This type of independence is very scary. It feels like you’re walking on a high wire with out a net.
Often times people find themselves in an abusive relationship. It’s so wierd how it happens. Most often the abuse so suttle, you, dismiss it as a misunderstanding.
But what you don’t realize is, you’re being manipulated. Mind games are being played and you don’t even realize it. You try to do sonething nice, the abuser knows your trying to appease them, and all the while laughing at your attempts to appease him. You end up being consumed with thoughts of how to keep him satified. How to keep him from getting angry. You worry about if the house is clean enough. Because you know if one thing is out of place it could set him off. Now understand, he’s not abusive everyday. There would be times he comes home and he literally acts like you don’t even exist. In fact that can go on for days it’s as if you’ve been discarded for the time being. Those was the good days.
I have always been curious what others think, emotional abuse vs physical abuse, which one is worse. With physical abuse, the bruises will go away. That’s what I’ve heard people say. But when some one you love and who loves you, hits you; that’s not only physical abuse, but it’s emotional as well. I personally don’t think one is worse than the other. I think they’re equally bad.
So I was in a 15 years relationship with an abusive alcoholic. He only physically hit me a few times. But the emotional abuse was constant. Only I didn’t see it clearly in the beginning, because it was so very subtle. Plus I myself was so focused on having a family I couldn’t see he was playing mind games.
But once you realize this is not the life you want; then comes the task of mustering up the courage needed to remove yourself from a bad situation. I have a few tips to give for anybody trying to leave an abusive relationship.
As with just about any and everything you have to have a plan. Stick to that plan as best you can. To start with make sure you have a dependable support person, or group. These people will be your shield. Because your abuser will try to win you back. This plan you have made to leave should include NO CONTACT. I know that if you have children that’s almost impossible, but this is where the support group comes in. They take the child for visitstion. The reason for the NO CONTACT is because you’re breaking another form of addiction. Rather you realize it or not you have become addicted to your abuser; because it is now familiar to you. You’re somewhat comfortable, you know what to expect; and now the thought of NOT depending in him is scary as hell. Just remember you want peace within you and YOUR life. This abuser will NEVER give you or let you have that peace.
My personal independence day was May of 2005.
Ok enough for today. And as usual I’ll leave you with my links. Oh and check out these cute little pot holders.
When I hear the word independence, I immediately think of the 4th of July. Independence Day, the Fourth (4th) of July is a public holiday in the United States of America that commemorates the adoption of the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776, which declared the original colonies to be free from British rule.
I just want to say This American life is the only life I’ve ever known. The freedom we all have seems to be taken for granted. But that’s not what I intend to blog about today.
But the word independence means free from outside control; not depending on another’s authority. There are many different types of authority. One example is addiction. Addiction is one of the strongest authorities you will ever come to know. Some how we obey that authority EVEN when we don’t want to.
In my younger years, I smoked weed. Now I still believe weed is not addictive, because I smoked it EVERY day for at least a year to a year and a half, then we left Texas and I didn’t have access like I did in Texas. I didn’t have withdrawals from it. Not only did I smoke weed, I would have a mixed drink or 2 or 3 every night with my good friend. I was 15 yrs old, but she was 25 soooo she became my drinking and smoking buddy. But as I said we (my family) left Texas. I didn’t know any body to smoke with in Florida, so I just didn’t smoke anymore. Of course I still would have a few drinks. But I never ended up addicted to alcohol, or beer. But the one thing I was addicted to, was the cigarette. Now I’m not proud of it, but I’ve been smoking since I was probably 13, or 14 years old. There’s a story here on the smoking situation. I’ll explain as quickly as I can. So I had a cousin who was about 2 years older than me. I found out she was smoking cigarettes. So because they was keeping it a secret, once they knew I knew, her dad decided to tell my mom that they, are allowing Tina to smoke cigarettes. Now her dad is informing my mom about this smoking situation as he’s leaving. So mom says ” well she’s your daughter, long as Bea’s not smoking it’s y’alls business” She said her goodbyes, closed the door, turned to me and asked me if I was smoking cigarettes with Tina. I said no ma’am. She responds with don’t lie to me. Now I’m scared, she THINKS I’m telling her a lie. My mind is racing to find the right answer to save me a butt whoopin. So I said ” ok maybe once or twice, but that’s it!” Now I don’t know why, but I remember she went and bought me a pack of cigarettes. I didn’t even know HOW to smoke. I couldn’t figure out how to inhale without coughing. I hid in the garage until I learned to inhale without coughing. I was even more afraid that IF she KNEW I didn’t know how to smoke then she would know I was telling the truth about NOT smoking with my cousin. BUT, still be in trouble because I lied, saying that I did smoke with her when I didn’t JUST to save myself a whoopin, that now if she knows I lied to get out of a whoopin it, ( the whoopin) will be worse.
Now through out the years I have quit smoking, ONLY to start up again. But honestly, I never REALLY wanted to quit. I enjoyed the taste, and feel of taking a draw off the cigarette, and feeling the cool menthol assault my lungs. However I have managed to quit smoking. This time I have quit with conviction. I will no longer be controlled by these cigarettes. But you HAVE to be stronger than your addiction. Because you WILL have a battle of the WILLS. The addicted part of your mind will do it’s BEST to convince you that it’s ok to do it one time, just to take the edge off. But the mind that wants to quit has to tell the addction part that THAT is a lie. Because both parts of the mind know darn good and well if there is a pack of cigarettes you’re not going to smoke just one. Your addicted brain is ok with that, but the part that wants to quit will mentally abuse you. But the one thing I have learn with nicotine, is it usually takes up to 3 days for the nicotine fully leaves the blood.
There are a few things you can try IF you want to quit smoking. First and foremost DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP. This takes time, and conviction. Chances are high, that you wont succeed on the first attempt, and that’s ok. But pay attention to habits, and real need(fix) there is a difference between the two. Once you recognize “habit” then you can start to eliminate one “habit” at a time. Some of my habits was…
Get in the car, light up.
Phone call, light up
Take a walk to the mailbox, yep light up.
After dinner ( although this one falls into both habit and addiction)
Those are a few, but the last one does fall under both categories of habit and addiction, however, try to prolong THE (after dinner mint) at least until the desire to smoke has decreased. Trust me I KNOW that after dinner mint is the BEST top off. Little by little if we stop the habits then we can focus on the addiction. That’s when the real work comes in. That’s when you focus on WHY you want to quit, and take the challenge to fight and be stronger than that addiction. You’ll find each time your desire to smoke decreases and the strong urge to smoke don’t last too long, if you ride the storm and keep your focus on being stronger than…
Another meaning for independence is when you finally have the courage to leave an abusive relationship. But I’ll write more on that tomorrow. For now this will do. Because I really have to start my day.
It’s strange how sometimes we feel so frustrated, and during the feelngs of frustration we get the victim mentality. We thing of how someone has it better, or how others seem so happy ALL the time. We become envious of that; and think why can’t I be able to have what they have. We tend to think ourselves into a funk, or even to depression. We basically give up. But we’re still here living and breathing. I get like that from time to time. Y’all know I’m trying entrepreneur, not doing well, but I’m trying. I think I still need to find my niche. Any ways long story short, I was enlightened on some information this past weekend that really put some things in perspective. Dealing with toxic people in general is quite a task, but living with, and being raised by toxic (family) is even more difficult.
It’s difficult because these people are supposed to love you and guide you and help you spread your wings and fly and have a chance at life and the pursuit of happiness.
Instead, they take your joy, your ambition,your goals, and your spirit.
I have been trying to blog this all week. It’s just so many moving parts. But here goes.
About 18 years ago my dads daughter from a previous marriage was in a fatal car wreck. It just happened to be on Father’s Day, however his ex wife didn’t inform him until 2 months later. That’s not to say my dad didn’t call her in those two months. Billielin lived in Missouri and we all live in Texas. My dad would call and leave a message but he just figured she was busy. And thought they would eventually connect. Sadly he had no clue what had happened. Two months after the fatal crash. His ex wife some how obtained my phone number and called me. Now I had to contact my dad and my sister. Delivering the message was heart breaking.
Now Pat took custody of her daughters 3 children as they was still minors. Her oldest was 17, the middle child was 13, and her youngest was 10. The youngest is now 28, she contacted my sister to ask questions, and get some information. My sister is actually their aunt by blood. I was in complete shock and disbelief at the information my sister shared with me about her niece and nephews.
You see Pat disliked the youngest 2 childrens dad. She disliked him so much, she had told the youngest that he wasn’t her father. But that’s not even the worst part. Because of Billielin’s death the person who was at fault insurance paid $50,000 because of lost of life. Some how Pat got a hold of that payout and the children got not one red dime of that money. The children’s dad got wind of that and sued the insurance company. As sick as he was he fought to the day he died to right the wrong that the insurance did. He managed to win the battle, and just after his daughter turn 18 he passed away. Below is the article about the death of Billielin Cobb.
But there’s more. These children was in an environment no child should ever be exposed to. Pat and her brothers was cooking meth, and dealing. Now I don’t remember every detail. To be honest, I couldn’t get past the fact that those children was in that environment. However the oldest did join the military he’s since retired from the military and married doing well. As well as the other two they’re doing well.
Now when my sister read the messages they shared, I was in shock at some of the details. As I pondered on this, it really put a lot of how I was feeling into perspective. But to know they all 3 seem to be doing well makes me happy for them. Sometimes you have to walk through the storm to get to the calm.
So I have a new perspective and will continue to do my best to handle what ever comes at me. I will take it one day at a time, and be grateful for what’s positive in my life. I will certainly give less focus on negativity. So there’s that.
And here’s my links please take a look ask me anything if you’ve got an interest in something I have to offer. Thank you for your time
Even people without an extensive knowledge of mental health concerns have likely heard of narcissistic personality disorder (NPD)
“narcissist” is often used casually to refer to people who don’t necessarily have a diagnosis of narcissism if they appear to have some narcissistic traits, such as grandiose delusions, low empathy, arrogance, and a need for admiration.
Portrayals of characters with narcissism in movies and television have also increased the condition’s notoriety. While depicting characters with mental health issues in the media can help increase awareness, it can also create problems. In the case of narcissism, much of what’s seen in popular culture rests heavily on stereotypes associated with grandiose and malignant narcissism. If people with narcissism aren’t portrayed as outright villains, they’re typically portrayed as toxic or harmful individuals.
If you’ve had a close relationship with someone who has NPD, you might agree that many of these stereotyped traits have truth to them. Still, it’s important to recognize that NPD can occur in varying degrees of severity, occurs on a spectrum, and can present in different ways. As a result, you may not always recognize someone has narcissism, especially if they live with a less-known subtype such as covert (vulnerable) narcissism.
Covert narcissism is also known as shy, vulnerable, or closet narcissism.
Covert narcissism often involves a more internalized experience. People with these traits still feel unappreciated, need admiration, have contempt for those they consider inferior, and believe they should get special treatment. But instead of displaying outward grandiosity, they may privately fantasize about having their special qualities recognized or getting revenge on people they believe have slighted or wronged them in some way.
SIGNS OF COVERT NARCISSISM
Not every person with some or all of the listed traits will have any type of NPD, but the following characteristics may help identify covert narcissism in people who meet criteria for NPD.
A reserved or self-effacing attitude
Humility or a tendency to put themselves down
Smugness or quiet superiority
passive aggressive behavior
Envy of others and/or feeling that they deserve what other people have
A lack of empathy for the feelings or situations of other people
A tendency to step in and help others out of a desire for recognition
I chose to blog about the “covert” narcissist because this is the one I have personally dealt with. As a child growing up with a parent “on the spectrum” of narcissistic behavior I never knew what to expect yet knew what would happen. If that makes sense.
There’s a few memories that come to mind as I think back on my childhood. I remember it was my Granny’s birthday and mom made her a cake. Mom told me to carry the cake as we was heading out the door to take the cake to Granny. She told me NOT to drop it. What did I do? I dropped it. THAT was a never ending chastise. She yells at me saying things like why did you drop it? I told you not to drop the cake. Now a quick fast forward my son was in the kitchen making himself a smoothie. ( he was trying a new recipe and was measuring everything per recipe request) he washed the measuring cup, then turned to dry it, but he dropped it in the process. I just happen to be there in the kitchen, I turned around saw the look of disappointed on his face, a kind of sadness because he dropped the measuring glass. A quick flashback of when I dropped something came to me, I looked at my son and asked are you ok? I knew he was barefoot so I said don’t move, I grabbed the broom and dust pan to sweep up the glass. As I was doing it he was beating himself up about dropping the measuring glass. I simply told him it’s just a measuring glass, no big deal. We can replace it. Accidents happen.
Because I know how it feels when you drop something and get yelled at for it, you already feel bad because of a mistake you made, theres no need to add fuel to the shame you already have.
There I go giving in depth explanations on things. I have realized that I tend to do that because of arguments with me trying to explain to mom about my feelings on anything. Or trying to have a productive conversation and find a happy medium in our disagreements. I would spin my wheels trying to get her to at least acknowledge my feelings or thoughts or ideas. I didn’t know THEN what I know now.
I think a part of the reason my mom has narcissistic tendencies is for one, she is the first born. BUT there was some miscarriages before my mom was born. Fortunately I have never had a miscarriage, but I imagine it’s devastating. So when you finally carry full term that baby is so important to you. Although my mom is the first of 6 children. However my mom suffered from asthma as a child growing up. Which leads me to lean towards WHY she has cover narcissistic tendencies. Back in the 40’s and 50’s medicine was no where near as advanced as it is today. Just as an example, when mom had a cholecystectomy they cut her from just under her chest down to the bottom of her stomach. Where as now it’s just 3 little incisions. That’s just one example of how medicne and medical practice has advanced. So back then asthma attacks were more dangerous and scary; and there is no doubt in my mind that when mom got sick with asthma the world according to Granny stopped until mom got through the asthma attack. There for creating the covert narcissist. I mean who doesn’t like being nurtured and cared for, being catered to your every need at the drop of a hat. As a child you enjoy the attention for sure. But unbeknownst to anyone it can create a sense of entitlement. Because that was normal as a child to be catered to. I don’t know if I can articulate this into words but I will do me best. However when a person is ill especially a child of course you as a parent will cater to the sick child. Of course that child will love and enjoy the attention. Now the child is better and things go back to normal. But said child is wanting attention so the child will feign an illness. Trust me if you have a child we all know the tricks of the trade. And I know how it seems like a reach, but understand the covert narcissist is the one who secretly enjoy admiration, they use manipulation, and self pity.
I am in no way saying that’s THE only recipe to the creation of narcissism. There is no direct correlation to any reasoning behind or how a person becomes or is a narcissist.
Ok that’s enough for today. But I leave you with these 2 videos. I thought they was pretty funny