Advertisements

I can’t think of a title right now. Maybe one will come to me as I write my thoughts down. I know I have not blogged in just over a week. However I was processing some information. Let me try and explain.

First off anyone who reads my blogs know that my son and I are close. People will call him a mama’s boy, and he will look you dead in your eyes and with absolute pride say “Damn right I am.” He has no shame about his love and respect for me. But in general most people haven’t seen how our relationship was formed. There are a lot of moving parts. I also know things could have been worse. That being said, my son and I have been through a lot. To start with, his dad wanted me to abort him. His dad was upset because HIS life is over now. He didn’t want to have kids, AND it’s MY fault that I got pregnant. So in short I told his dad that I was having this child WITH, or WITHOUT you. You can walk away now and we never have to speak again. He decided to stay with me. However had I known THEN what I know now, decisions would have been different. First, I still would NOT have gotten an abortion. But secondly I woukd not have wasted 15 years trying to build a relationship and a family with this VENGEFUL person. He only stayed to make MY life hell because I wouldn’t have an abortion. I know, you folks who are actually reading this are probably thinking that I’m the one who is a narcissist. But in reality I am the empath. Yes he stayed, but it was like we was roommates. We didn’t do anything as a family. Lime go to the park, or the beach, or go out to eat from time to time. No he worked I stayed home and took care of our child. Normal to a point. He gave me an “allowance” of thirty dollars. That was to by groceries, and do laundry. We lived in apartments that did not offer washer/dryer hook ups. So here I am “playing” house. Now in my mind I was thinking he would soon see how loyal I am, and the fact that I truly do love him, that he would start to see his life is not ruined. I honestly thought we could work this out. But unrequited love is just that. Little did I know it would never be. It took me 15 years of (mostly emotional) abuse, to realise he will never (at the very least) respect me. Let alone love me. He is incapable of love.

In short I finally left him for the last time. Oh I must have left him a thousand times. But as usual he turned on his charm, and love bombing. And I found myself right back where I started. THAT’S why when you leave a narcissist you ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO GO NO CONTACT. No exceptions. Or you WILL end up where you left a thousand times.

So when I finally left him for good, I must admit every emotional aspect of my being was dead. With the exception of anger. I had devised a plan to leave. I put that plan into action. I needed a car. He noticed I was looking for a car, and said I’ll sell you the Mazda for $1000.00 I said ok. I got my income tax and paid him a thousand dollars for that Mazda. That was around the end of February. My plan was in motion. I now have a car and am no longer tied to bus routes and bus schedules for my dedtinations. That was step one. I began looking for an affordable but safe place to live. My son was 13 close to 14 yrs old. I was working a minimum wage job. So I found an all bills paid apartment. I put a deposit on a 1 bdr. Side note. As I stated earlier, the only emotion I was feeling was anger. So EVERY TIME. I left in the car I bought from him, I played the song by Jo Dee Masina “My Give a damn’s Busted. The song was very fitting the lyrics are posted

Well you filled up my head
With so many lies.
You twisted my heart
'til something snapped inside.
I'd like to give it one more try
But my give a damn's busted.
You can crawl back home
Say you were wrong,
Stand out in the yard
And cry all night long.
Go ahead and water the lawn.
My give a damn's busted.
I really want to care,
I want to feel somethin'
Let me dig a little deeper...
Naw...
Sorry...
Nothin'
You can say you've got issues.
You can say you're a victim.
It's all your parents fault,
I mean, after all you didn't pick 'em
Maybe somebody else's got time to listen.
My give a damn's busted.
Well your therapist says
It was all a mistake
A product of the prozac
And your co-dependent ways
So ... who's your enabler these days?
My give a damn's busted.
I really want to care,
I want to feel somethin'
Let me dig a little deeper...
Naw...
Still nothin
It's a desperate situation,
No tellin' what you'll do.
If I don't forgive you,
You say your life is through.
Come on ... give me somethin' I can use.
My give a damn's busted.
Well, I really want to care
I want to feel somethin'
Let me dig a little deeper...
Naw, man...
Sorry
Just nothin'
No
You've really done it this time (haha)
My give a damn's busted.

So as he began to realize I was planning to leave he at first acted lije he didn’t care. Then he started the scare tactics. The classic you’re not going to make it out there by yourself. THEN the classic you’re not going to find someone like me. I didn’t respond to him as I was packing. Then something snapped in me and I had to get some things off my chest. So I told him your scare tactics are not going to work this time. Also I am not looking for anybody I just want to be alone. But if I did find some body I would certainly hope to God he’s NOT like you. I let him know how deeply he hurt me with the mind games, and his 15 years of vengeance against me because I ruined YOUR life because I got pregnant.

It has now been 16 years and 4 months since I left him. With NO CONTACT. Just for the record, I never stopped communication’s between him and our son. Since our son was a bit older and was aware of what was going on I didn’t stop their communication. And NOW 16 years later he tells my son he tried to contact me. However my son knew that was a lie. Because I would have told my son. But he kept pushing the subject and asked for my number. My son told his dad that it’s not a good idea. His dad asked if I was seeing someone. My son always protecting me tells his dad that it’s really none of your concern if she is or is not seeing someone. Now he never gave him my number. My son also knows I NEVER want to see OR talk to him again.

I also know he’s still an alcoholic. He was in fact drinking when he was asking about me. Matter of fact he has 2 specific times in the year that he does this binge drinking. Usually around mid March to late April, and then mid October to late November. Now at this point he’s either late for his March/April binge, or he’s early for his October/November binge because we’re only in August.

He is a part of the reason I am broken. I lived a solitude life when I was with him. I lost all my friends. I didn’t go out unless it was with my family. Mom and Dad. I have a hard time talking to people. Because I spent so many years being discarded, and ignored. I feel like now I am a burden to people. But I am working on it.

But just because my son told me his dad is looking yo talk to me brings back memories I wish I had forgotten. So there’s my blog. Thank you for your time

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

Gas Lighting

Advertisements

Gas lighting is a phrase that I dispise. I dispise when the person gas lighting me tries to tell me what I seen, or heard. That is a form of emotional abuse. The fact that they make you question your reality. Gaslighting is a narcissist best weapon. It keeps their victim confused, and unsure of what’s really happening.

Gaslighting is a type of emotional abuse that can happen to anyone, especially in romantic relationships.  Additionally, the effects of gaslighting may make it even harder for the victim to leave an abusive relationship as they may not even realize it’s happening.

Gaslighting is a type of emotional abuse that can happen to anyone, especially in romantic relationships. 

Additionally, the effects of gaslighting may make it even harder for the victim to leave an abusive relationship as they may not even realize it’s happening.

1. “That never happened.”

Gaslighting often causes the victim to doubt themselves. Someone will do or say something abusive and then deny that it ever happened, says psychotherapist and licensed marriage and family therapist Tina B Tessinaina, PhD, in private practice.

“The victim starts questioning [their] instincts and relies more and more on the ‘reality’ that gets created and manipulated by the abuser. It also heightens a sense of dependency on the abuser,” says Tessina. 

You’re too sensitive.”

This is a phrase used by gaslighters to minimize and invalidate the victim’s feelings. If the victim tries to express hurt or disappointment, the gaslighter may tell them that they are making a big deal out of nothing.The intent is to make you feel stupid for even trying to stand up for yourself. Once an abusive partner has broken down the victim’s ability to trust their own perceptions, the victim is more likely to put up with the abusive behavior and stay in the relationship,” says Tessina.

“You have a terrible memory.” This is another common phrase gaslighters use to make victims doubt themselves. Of course, everybody experiences trouble with recalling certain details, but Tessina says gaslighters will make their victim doubt their memory as a whole, spanning a multitude of situations

They do this because getting a victim to question themselves is at the core of gaslighting. When a victim no longer trusts their assessments, the abuser is in complete control,” says Tessina. 

These are just a few examples of gaslighting and why it’s done. The one about the terrible memory is the one that has been pushed onto me.

Well dang my mind has shut down for now. So I’m going to get busy. Y’all have a great day

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/

This One

Advertisements

The very thing that distinguishes us both is that I wouldn’t hesitate to choose you in every lifetime. But you wouldn’t even choose me in this one. And although I gave you my flesh and bones, I know I cannot love you into loving me. So there you are overflowing with my love, and here I am pleading for a droplet of yours or whatever I could Salvage. But there must come a time where you recognize that to grieve someone hurts a lot less than forcing them to be a part of you. And I know I should not beg for love, but I just want wanted someone to be afraid of losing me.

Trauma Bond

Advertisements

Did you know trauma bond makes you physcologically addicted to abuse and it explains why when you go NO CONTACT feels like you’re coming of a drug. It also explains why men and women are attracted to narcissistic partners.

This is probably why I stay single. I know I can’t trust myself. Kind of like an addict, if you take one drink, you’re right back to drinking again. That goes for anything you’re addicted to, be it alcohol, cigarettes, meth, you name it, if you take it ONE MORE TIME your hooked. That’s why it’s dangerous for an empath to connect with a narcissist. I think that because as an empath we don’t take pleasure in hurting people. We always want to lift them, make them feel worthy, because we know the feeling of worthlessness.

To be honest, if you find yourself in a relationship with an empath, you better take a step back and really look at what you have. Because an empath will go above and beyond to keep things working. An empath will move mountains, to meet your demands. But if that empath walks out of your life, just know he/she is gone. Because you finally broke him/her. This person has ran out of reasons to keep trying.

  • Ignorance of abusive tactics. Most people are conditioned to believe that abuse requires some sort of physical mark and only happens to uneducated people. But there are seven categories of abuse: physical, emotional, verbal, mental, sexual, financial, and spiritual. And most studies show that abuse is prevalent in all socioeconomic groups, cultures, intelligence levels, and ages. Thinking that It cant happen to me, is the easiest way to fall prey to an abusive person.
  • Attractive abuser. Narcissists are famous for looking good in front of others with their charming personality and attractive appearance. During the initial engagement with a narcissist, they tend to become everything the other person is looking for in a partner. They love bomb the person with generous amounts of affection, attention, and gifts. The prospective partner believes this is the real person. But it is not and this shell game can only last so long which is why they move the relationship very quickly into something more permanent.
  • Initial angry outbursts. In the beginning, when the narcissist explodes, it seems so out of character. So the partner easily accepts the narcissistic explanation of blame shifting as an excuse for their behavior. Slowly, the narcissist starts to criticize their partner by saying, You made me so mad. The partner, desperately wanting things to return back to the initial encounters molds themselves into whatever the narcissist says they need. Unfortunately, one transformation is not enough and the narcissist begins to demand more and more.
  • It becomes addictive. The harder it is to please the narcissist, the harder the partner tries. Achieving some small token of gratification becomes a drug of sorts. The partner gets a high out of obtaining even small amounts of the love bombing from before. It is no different than an addiction to a drug. The first trip is the best and every one after that fails by comparison yet the person is hooked so they keep trying over and over. The partner becomes unable to see their own fall in this downward spiral.
  • Addictions have rewards and consequences. The reward of addiction (in this case pleasing the narcissist) is a release of the happy hormone dopamine. This feeling of euphoria can make a person feel they can do anything. By contrast, the consequence of an addiction (when the narcissist becomes abusive) is a flooding of the stress hormone cortisol. This puts a person in fight, flight, freeze, or faint mode and diminishes a persons ability to think straight. It takes a good 36-72 hours for a person to recover fully from this hormone.
  • The addiction is hidden from the addict. Because the partner is not taking a drug, it is very hard to identify that they are even caught in an addictive cycle. This is why the abuse fog becomes so dense and the person is unable to see what is happening. Even when confronted by others outside of the relationship, they still struggle to see what is occurring. Plus, the narcissist tends to isolate the partner from anyone and everyone who might be a threat to them. This makes leaving even harder.
  • Inability to detach. Even when the partner wakes up and tries to leave, the narcissist pulls them back with promises of returning things to the former existence. Because the narcissist has an intense fear of abandonment, they cannot allow a person close to them to leave. And they will do, say, and fake anything they need to just to keep their partner in the relationship. The mask of the narcissists former self comes out again but once again, it is short lived. As soon as the partner has returned, the mask is smashed as the partner is even more ensnared.
  • Addicted to the mask. Even when times get bad, the addiction to the mask of the narcissist is so strong now after all of the reinforcement. The fear that life can never be as good without the mask of the narcissist traps the partner into staying. Just the thought of leaving again causes panic attacks, depression, and even suicidal thoughts. The darker a person gets, the harder it is to take action to leave which is exactly what bonds them to the narcissist.

Let me just say it is difficult to leave. There are a lot of moving parts. Fear, anxiety, failure, just to name a few will dance around in your head. When and IF you do leave, you will feel like it was better with the narcissist, because that’s what’s normal to you. Because trust and believe YOU WILL BE OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE. But with strenght, and hopefully a support of some sort you will learn to live YOUR life. Ok blogged for the day. Sometimes I wish I knew how to write a book. you know because I have such GREAT writing skills. look below my links

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/

Emotional Effects of Narcissistic People in Long-term Exposure.

Advertisements

The effects of psychological and narcissistic abuse come with many devastating consequences, but there are two that almost no one knows about unless they’re a doctor or neuroscientist.

In fact, these two outcomes may be the most destructive result of emotional trauma over the long-term and is an added reason why if you have children with a narcissistic partner you should try to leave as soon as reasonably possible.

I grew up in a narcissistic house where one of my parents was a covert narcissist. The covert narcissist is very secretive. No one outside the house hold would even consider entertaining the idea of said person to be a narcissist in any way shape or form. But if you’ve been the target of a covert narcissist, only you know who this person really is. You know the cruel things this person says to you. Only you know the gaslighting this person does to you. I’ve noticed changes within myself that I feel are the effects of this abuse. Please don’t think I’m playing victim here, because I’m not, however I’m blogging this to try and help others to recognise the abuse and know THEY are NOT the problem. I am hoping this will help them to make the changes needed to begin living a normal happy life. But to also seek help because as I wrote in the first part of this blog, long term narcissistic abuse can effect the brain. I am just now learning about this and want to share this for anybody who find themselves in an abusive relationship, or even come to terms with a parent being a narcissist.

I have blogged about how I used to be as a person. I used to be a fun person. I found humor in a lot of situations. I had funny comebacks. I had a mind that was strong. But through the years, I feel like my mind is not as sharp as it used to be. Through the years of having to account, or answer for EVERY detail of why….. Just as an example…. I most often now days just pull my hair up into a ponytail. But from time to time I might just do a half ponytail and leave half down. But when I do that, I get asked why do you have your hair like that? Quite frankly there’s no rhym or reason, I simply wanted to do the half ponytail. But in the mind of a narcissist there IS a hidden reason, and come hell or high water they WILL attach a reason to it; and that’s with EVERY aspect of your LIFE. If you’re the target of a narcissist, your life WILL be scrutinized. With EVERY move you make. You’re criticized on every little thing, and every word you say WILL be held against you. Be it your driving, the way you cook, the clothes you wear. And YOU are certainly held accountable for ANYTHING you say. For example. You say your plan is to try a new recipe for a dessert. BUT the day got away from you and decide to try it another time. Now comes the criticism. YOU didn’t do that new recipe YOU said you was going to try. Now we don’t have dessert after dinner tonight. (But it goes on with) sure would have been nice to try that new recipe. But somebody got lazy and decided not to try it. Maybe she lost her confidence and was afraid it wouldn’t be good. The narcissist means it to be harmful, to make you feel guilty, OH but the moment you try to defend yourself, NOW the narcissist was only kidding. NOW you’re too sensitive, NOW you don’t have to be so defensive. ( gas lighting)

I dislike using the (PTSD) because I really think it’s overused. But When I notice someone is gas lighting another person, (internally) I get so angry. I see and hear it, but I can’t say anything. Because of fear. I don’t want to make waves and create a problem for the other person being gaslighted. But I want to rescue that person, yet I don’t know if this person even realizes what’s really happening.

Other things a narcissist will do is use projection/gaslighting. They use this as distraction from their behavior. One thing a narcissist despise is staying on topic when there is an argument. They will bring up other topics that wasn’t even about the topic at hand. The next thing you know you’re arguing about something that may or may not have even occured. Being raised by a narcissist, as a child is confusing, becoming an adult from being raised by a narcissistic person is just as confusing, because you wasn’t allowed to have boundaries growing up, so you now as an adult have no boundaries. Then because of the way you was raised, you find yourself in a relationship with a narcissist. Because of the way you was raised it’s normalized. ( I hope this makes sense) Because I am now trying to make my life make sense.

I tend to get lost in my writing and go all over the place. I’m not even sure if anybody can comprehend what I’m trying to convey in some of my blogs. But here I am killin it. If anything maybe some folks get a good laugh at my writing skills. but at least I made someone smile or laugh. So I’m ok with that. And yes as always here’s my links to a few items I make. Trying to make my hobby a source of income until I hopefully soon get a job. Thanks for reading, and or clicking on my links. In the meantime I’m gonba try and get tiktok famous kidding I know I don’t have the personality to do it.

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

Click a link any link.

Angel Investor

Advertisements

Start up an E commerce they said. It’s easy they said. It will be a great way to generate income they said. But what they don’t say is how much it cost to do such a thing. I went into this blindly and I am about 8 months in and my vision has not improved. Not my vision for my store, just the ability and know how, and of course the financial vision. I have been blogging for a while, with no clue what to blog about. I do the blogging thing to get people to click on links to shop and hopefully make purchases. Being as I am just starting this, I don’t have a lot of product, but what I do have is a few items on hand that I can do and have to offer. I just can’t get people interested. I have a lot to offer, I just need to get my product seen; and that’s where I have the issue.

I am going to be completely honest here and a bit vulnerable. The honest part is I have no source of income to be able to pay for my site to be promoted. I was able to get some things going I paid for a years worth of an E commerce store, that will be ending in November some time, not exactly sure when but it will end. I was seriously trying to generate a bit of income to be able to stay home and take care of my elderly mother. I am not very comfortable at leaving her here home alone. She does have some health issues, and she just isn’t able to do some things on her own. Still on the honest part. I tend to digress from time to time, and on the honesty part, I am a shameful drop out. Needless to say it wa not by choice, but by circumstances. I regret dropping out of school. If I spell out the reasons, to most it will sound like excuses. When in reality if you’ve never walked in a persons shoes, you shouldn’t judge them. I can honestly say it wasn’t drugs. It wasn’t because I got pregnant in high school. The funny thing about that was I never dated high school boys. But it was due to having a narcissistic mother. I have written blogs about narcissism. The thing is there are several different types of narcissist and the one I was blessed to be raised by is the covert narcissist. Let me just say I love my mom and I will ALWAYS he;p her as best I can. But the fact is she ruined my life. She has 3 children all together. My brother and I are from her first marriage. Her first husband lost his battle with cancer when my brother and I was very young. She remarried 2 years later. Then 3 years later had my younger sister with her second husband. BUT for some reason I will never know I am her target. Most people in my family think I’m crazy or they dismiss my accusations. But they are real, and they are hurtful. But I continue to do my duty as her daughter. I am at the point that I want and need to go back to work. I was laid off JUST before the pandemic hit, and now have been out of work for about 2 years. She tells me she don’t want me to go back to work, because she is used to having some one here with her now. I understand that, but I could go to work overnight that way my brother would be here at night and I could be here during the day. I asked her what happens when you die? She said I was on my own. I said EXACTLY. She would have me stay home with her when I was in high school because she had anxiety attacks. That’s partly the reason I ended up dropping out I was so far behind I didn’t have a chance to catch up. She sits back and watches my every move, and hangs onto every word I say JUST to point out if I miss speak, or make any kind of an error. Now I have had to talk her down from countless anxiety attacks. I’ve had to calm her down over nothing. I have been her voice of reason when she over thinks things and thinks herself into an anxiety attack. ONLY to be dismissed because she’s feeling ok on a given day. I feel like I’ve been raising my mom since I was 15 years old. NOW I digress.

And now I come to the vulnerable part of this blog. I find it hard to ask for help. I think it’s because I’m always the one helping. But I am asking for help. Donations, or even an angel investor. The thing is I want to be able to work at something I love to do. I would love to be able to make crafts and gifts for people to buy for their friends, and family. But as it stands I am out of ideas on how to make this a possibility. Well the fact is I am out of funds. I have ran out my unemployment, and I can’t seem to find a job that works with my hours I would be available. As I stated earlier I would like to be able to stay home and take care of my elderly mother. I’m just not used to not have a source of income. On another vulnerable situation, just before I was laid off I was seeing a doctor, and long story short I was told I tested positive for scleroderma. In short it is chronic hardening and tightening of the skin and connective tissues. Scleroderma is a group of rare diseases that more than often affects women. It commonly occurs between the ages of 30 and 50. My hands swell up quite often and I have a lot of pain in the joints more so when they are swollen. That’s another reason I wanted to get this E commerce business so I can be able to work my own schedule and take the time I need to when my scleroderma is flaring up. Not only can scleroderma affect the skin but it also can affect many internal organs hindering digestive and respiratory functions, and causing kidney failure. There are two main categories of scleroderma: localized and systemic. Each category is make up of several conditions. Localized scleroderma: often affects only the skin and not major organs. However I was laid off shortly after the diagnosis and was never able to do any follow ups. Which is another reason I need a job, or get this E commerce running to where I am making some income to get insurance and follow up on this condition. One thing I have certainly learned is, you have to have money to start a business of any kind, and if anything, I hope if who ever reads this has at least one take away from this blog, it will be that you have to have money to start a business. I don’t care what they advertise about starting for free. I found so many sites that made it sound like you could use their platform for free, but then you had to {upgrade} in order to do more so yeah the sign up is free, you can sign up on many platforms, but you can’t do anything until you UPGRADE! Ok. I think I’ve done enough damage for today, but why not just for fun
https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

Empty Nest

Advertisements

I don’t know if this falls into “empty nest” syndrome, but I do know it worries me. Then I wonder, am I over sensitive to the situation?

So I’ve expressed how my son is my world. He and I have been through so much together. BUT he has a girlfriend now. They’ve been together almost 2 years. I’m happy he has a girlfriend and is planning a future with someone. Because he is an only child, when I die, he won’t have any brothers or sisters to help each other work through their grief. He has told me severl times, he don’t know what he’ll do when I die. I told him “then I have a lot of work to do” I’ve always felt that as a parent we should raise our children to be self sufficient. They should be able to live their life once we pass. That also means emotionally. Death is a part of life, and it needs to be talked about, so that it’s understood and this child will be emotionally ready. Aaaaaannnnd there I go again getting off track.

So on to my topic. My son works hard, he works 6 days a week on second shift. Being as he only has ONE day a week off that one day is usually when he spends it with his girlfriend. I fully understand. HOWEVER There’s a few things I’ve noticed about this young lady. Again maybe it’s just me and I’m over sensitive or (PTSD) because I can see it and my son is blind to it. But I feel like she’s a bit manipulative. So let me give you the break down.

The very first time was only a couple months into their relationship. It was Christmas holidays. Now we don’t celebrate like most people do on the Christmas holiday, but we will make a big dinner and make it a point to have dinner together. However, this young lady managed to create an “emergency” and called my son asking him if he could drive her Aunt, to take some food to her Uncle because he’s in the hospital. ( her Aunt don’t know how to drive freeway) In my opinion, that was a “test” run. JUST to see his response. Now through out the course of the year, he would struggle with trying to spend time with me, and with his girlfriend. He has told me there are times he just wants to spend a Sunday with me, but she makes him feel guilty by saying she had planned….. Now any time there was a holiday where the company was closed, he would be with his girlfriend. Mind you I am absolutely fine with that. Now let me give you another example………..

His birthday that just past in May. His birthday was on a Sunday and he took that following week off. He planned to spend his birthday with me. Yet she got up set saying she had plans and now you want to be with your mom. Well if you read my Rainy Day blog serries you will know he ended up spending his birthday with his girlfriend. So ok he spent that day with his girlfriend, I honestly thought he would have spent Mother’s Day with me. But he ended up spending it with his girlfriend. Yes I have spoken on how we don’t celebrate secular holidays, and I have spoke on how we don’t need a mother’s day to express love. So that’s three times thus far, that she has managed to alter my sons plans. Now this weekend coming up up the 4th of July. We made these plans to grill Saturday. He talked about doing this for about 2 weeks. But it was pending on what his work schedule was going to be. Turns out he has Saturday, Sunday, and Mo day off. I was excited for him and the fact that we was actually going to soend some good quality time together. BUT………….. Earlier in the week she called my son and told him her car is making a wierd rattling noise. So he tells her take tomorrow off, and take it to a full service shop and let them make an assessment on it. So she took Wednesday off to have her car looked at, one place told her it was the serpentine tension, she had that fixed, and the next thing you know it’s still making the noise. Clearly that wasn’t the problem. Long story short, it’s something with her air conditioner. Or at least that’s the spill now. AAAAANNNDDD she wants to get it fixed immediately. Soooooo she managed to interrupt plans that my son and I had planned for this long weekend.

So last night my son and I was talking about this situation. I expressed my thoughts and concerns about it. He got short with me. I told him it’s just my opinion I could just be over sensitive. I told him what ever you decide to do I’m ok with it. I explained to him that I understand and respect that he has his own life and future to live. Then he had a call to fix a machine on his job, so we ended the conversation. But at 9:45 .p.m he calls me on his way home from work to apologize to me for getting short with me. I of course tild him there’s no need for apologies, it’s all good. You just do what you feel us needed.

Now my thing is there was a whole conversation between my son and his girlfriend that he told me about AFTER I had expressed my concerns. But in short she was trying to make him feel guilty because he wasn’t helping her. But he was he was giving her suggestions on where to take her car. But for the fact she works early in the morning, and he works second shift, unless he takes off thats about all he can do.

It’s the mind games for me. I feel like she’s playing these little games to test him. I know for a fact some women like to play games as well. It’s almost as if they are testing their powers. So to say. I know this makes me sound like a jealous mom, but I honestly want him to have a life and be in a healthy happy relationship. My concern is, he is a very easy going person. And if he cares about you, he will ve blinded by the games. I have marked on my calendar, dates and reasons. Then when the time is right I will show him the pattern. Maybe he can have a talk with her and have an understanding. Because my question is, who came to her aid before my son? One thing I know for sure, this young lady has a lot of growing up to do. Ok I’m done

But hey why not go look in my store you ain’t even gotta drive just click these links there are all kinds of goodies.

The first link, most of the items are hand made.

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

Independence Day Continued

Advertisements

This word can be very powerful. For those who have never suffered being dependant, will never know how powerful one word can be. Yesterday I spoke on addiction and how you depend on what ever you’re addicted to take off the edge. I talked about addiction to nicotine.

But today, I want to talk anout another form of independence. The one where you literally have to learn how to live alone.

This type of independence is very scary. It feels like you’re walking on a high wire with out a net.

Often times people find themselves in an abusive relationship. It’s so wierd how it happens. Most often the abuse so suttle, you, dismiss it as a misunderstanding.

But what you don’t realize is, you’re being manipulated. Mind games are being played and you don’t even realize it. You try to do sonething nice, the abuser knows your trying to appease them, and all the while laughing at your attempts to appease him. You end up being consumed with thoughts of how to keep him satified. How to keep him from getting angry. You worry about if the house is clean enough. Because you know if one thing is out of place it could set him off. Now understand, he’s not abusive everyday. There would be times he comes home and he literally acts like you don’t even exist. In fact that can go on for days it’s as if you’ve been discarded for the time being. Those was the good days.

I have always been curious what others think, emotional abuse vs physical abuse, which one is worse. With physical abuse, the bruises will go away. That’s what I’ve heard people say. But when some one you love and who loves you, hits you; that’s not only physical abuse, but it’s emotional as well. I personally don’t think one is worse than the other. I think they’re equally bad.

So I was in a 15 years relationship with an abusive alcoholic. He only physically hit me a few times. But the emotional abuse was constant. Only I didn’t see it clearly in the beginning, because it was so very subtle. Plus I myself was so focused on having a family I couldn’t see he was playing mind games.

But once you realize this is not the life you want; then comes the task of mustering up the courage needed to remove yourself from a bad situation. I have a few tips to give for anybody trying to leave an abusive relationship.

As with just about any and everything you have to have a plan. Stick to that plan as best you can. To start with make sure you have a dependable support person, or group. These people will be your shield. Because your abuser will try to win you back. This plan you have made to leave should include NO CONTACT. I know that if you have children that’s almost impossible, but this is where the support group comes in. They take the child for visitstion. The reason for the NO CONTACT is because you’re breaking another form of addiction. Rather you realize it or not you have become addicted to your abuser; because it is now familiar to you. You’re somewhat comfortable, you know what to expect; and now the thought of NOT depending in him is scary as hell. Just remember you want peace within you and YOUR life. This abuser will NEVER give you or let you have that peace.

My personal independence day was May of 2005.

Ok enough for today. And as usual I’ll leave you with my links. Oh and check out these cute little pot holders.

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/

Independence Day

Advertisements

This word is very significant on so many levels.

When I hear the word independence, I immediately think of the 4th of July. Independence Day, the Fourth (4th) of July is a public holiday in the United States of America that commemorates the adoption of the Declaration of Independence on July 4, 1776, which declared the original colonies to be free from British rule.

I just want to say This American life is the only life I’ve ever known. The freedom we all have seems to be taken for granted. But that’s not what I intend to blog about today.

But the word independence means free from outside control; not depending on another’s authority. There are many different types of authority. One example is addiction. Addiction is one of the strongest authorities you will ever come to know. Some how we obey that authority EVEN when we don’t want to.

In my younger years, I smoked weed. Now I still believe weed is not addictive, because I smoked it EVERY day for at least a year to a year and a half, then we left Texas and I didn’t have access like I did in Texas. I didn’t have withdrawals from it. Not only did I smoke weed, I would have a mixed drink or 2 or 3 every night with my good friend. I was 15 yrs old, but she was 25 soooo she became my drinking and smoking buddy. But as I said we (my family) left Texas. I didn’t know any body to smoke with in Florida, so I just didn’t smoke anymore. Of course I still would have a few drinks. But I never ended up addicted to alcohol, or beer. But the one thing I was addicted to, was the cigarette. Now I’m not proud of it, but I’ve been smoking since I was probably 13, or 14 years old. There’s a story here on the smoking situation. I’ll explain as quickly as I can. So I had a cousin who was about 2 years older than me. I found out she was smoking cigarettes. So because they was keeping it a secret, once they knew I knew, her dad decided to tell my mom that they, are allowing Tina to smoke cigarettes. Now her dad is informing my mom about this smoking situation as he’s leaving. So mom says ” well she’s your daughter, long as Bea’s not smoking it’s y’alls business” She said her goodbyes, closed the door, turned to me and asked me if I was smoking cigarettes with Tina. I said no ma’am. She responds with don’t lie to me. Now I’m scared, she THINKS I’m telling her a lie. My mind is racing to find the right answer to save me a butt whoopin. So I said ” ok maybe once or twice, but that’s it!” Now I don’t know why, but I remember she went and bought me a pack of cigarettes. I didn’t even know HOW to smoke. I couldn’t figure out how to inhale without coughing. I hid in the garage until I learned to inhale without coughing. I was even more afraid that IF she KNEW I didn’t know how to smoke then she would know I was telling the truth about NOT smoking with my cousin. BUT, still be in trouble because I lied, saying that I did smoke with her when I didn’t JUST to save myself a whoopin, that now if she knows I lied to get out of a whoopin it, ( the whoopin) will be worse.

Now through out the years I have quit smoking, ONLY to start up again. But honestly, I never REALLY wanted to quit. I enjoyed the taste, and feel of taking a draw off the cigarette, and feeling the cool menthol assault my lungs. However I have managed to quit smoking. This time I have quit with conviction. I will no longer be controlled by these cigarettes. But you HAVE to be stronger than your addiction. Because you WILL have a battle of the WILLS. The addicted part of your mind will do it’s BEST to convince you that it’s ok to do it one time, just to take the edge off. But the mind that wants to quit has to tell the addction part that THAT is a lie. Because both parts of the mind know darn good and well if there is a pack of cigarettes you’re not going to smoke just one. Your addicted brain is ok with that, but the part that wants to quit will mentally abuse you. But the one thing I have learn with nicotine, is it usually takes up to 3 days for the nicotine fully leaves the blood.

There are a few things you can try IF you want to quit smoking. First and foremost DO NOT BEAT YOURSELF UP. This takes time, and conviction. Chances are high, that you wont succeed on the first attempt, and that’s ok. But pay attention to habits, and real need(fix) there is a difference between the two. Once you recognize “habit” then you can start to eliminate one “habit” at a time. Some of my habits was…

  • Get in the car, light up.
  • Phone call, light up
  • Take a walk to the mailbox, yep light up.
  • After dinner ( although this one falls into both habit and addiction)

Those are a few, but the last one does fall under both categories of habit and addiction, however, try to prolong THE (after dinner mint) at least until the desire to smoke has decreased. Trust me I KNOW that after dinner mint is the BEST top off. Little by little if we stop the habits then we can focus on the addiction. That’s when the real work comes in. That’s when you focus on WHY you want to quit, and take the challenge to fight and be stronger than that addiction. You’ll find each time your desire to smoke decreases and the strong urge to smoke don’t last too long, if you ride the storm and keep your focus on being stronger than…

Another meaning for independence is when you finally have the courage to leave an abusive relationship. But I’ll write more on that tomorrow. For now this will do. Because I really have to start my day.

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/

Empath And Narcissist Relationship pt3

Advertisements

It took me 15 years to realize I needed to take a stand and put an end to this madness.

Don’t get me wrong. We broke up a thousand times. Each time I hought it was me taking a stand, only to fall back to his charm, and believe his lies. Because of my lack of boundaries. Each time I forgave him, I was, in his mind telling him it’s ok, and please continue to belittle, and humiliate me, because I JUST want someone to love me; and this is the price I’m willing to pay.

But you see growing up vying for validation was embedded in me, it was normal. Ok … I’ll admit, I am that person who has her sunglasses on top of her head and will TEAR the house up looking for them. You know, that old saying “can’t see tge forest for the trees”

Well there was one person I can say did love me unconditionally. He was my step dad. It felt wierd just now, referring to him as my step dad. He raised me from the time I was 5yrs old into adulthood. He never stopped loving me no matter what battles we had. Let me tell ya we had some rough patches. But that’s another blog.

As I stated it took me 15 years to make my stand. But to be fair, my son was my rock in that situation. He was almost 14 years old, his dad and I had just had another round of his binge drinking. He would literally drink 3 to 4 18pack of beer a day and chase it with tequila for 10 to 15 days straight. I honestly believe he was doing something else because in the days he would drink he never did sleep. And if I tried to sleep he would disturb my sleep. So on one of those binge days, I was trying to get him to eat something. He told me to cook something and after this beer he will eat. So I cooked, but he didn’t eat, so I started opening his beers and pouring them down the sink, he managed to save one, but he ended up throwing it at me, that was the first time our son ever seen him hit me. My son was so angry he somehow slung him across the kitchen yelling at him. I knew then, if I stayed things will get worse between him and his dad.

So a few days after that scene my son says why don’t we just move mom, dad doesn’t love us, we should just leave.

So from that point I started looking for us a place to live. I found us an apartment. I know he didn’t really think I was leaving him, because I was the one to call it quits instead of him calling it quits. He thought he was. Calling my bluff. He was in fact laughing at me, saying things like how many times have we been here? You’re never going to find someone like me. Nobody will ever love you like I do. You’re never going to make it on your own. Typical things a narcissist would say.

I told him it don’t matter how many times we been here, THIS is the last time. As far as me finding someone, thats the least of my concern, but if I do find someone I pray to God he AIN’T like you; and I will work however many jobs it takes to make it.

I actually left him, and never went back. It was hard the first year, but then I got a second job and it made things a bit easier. I have been gone from him since May of 2005. We are now in 2021 and I’m still standing strong.

I did say my son was my rock, but my dad had a big part in it also. I really don’t think I would have made it without those two in my life.

I am still single, but I’m ok with that. I can’t trust myself. I know that I am the one who will give my all. To be honest I really think my ex broke me. I used to write little notes when I packed his lunch. I would say things like ” love you have a good day” but he actually told me not to do that. Now I think that if I was to get into a relationship I wouldn’t even know how to love said person. I don’t even think I have a (love language) any more. But any way who knows what the future holds. Just take it one day at a time.

As I’ve said I hope to help someone with this blog on narcissistic personality, and empaths. I’m sure if an empath stumbles upon this blog they will be the one to see a little bit of them in this blog before a narcissist will. It’s understood a narcissist is never the problem. Because they are never wrong, and they will gaslight you into believing you’re the problem. I don’t even think I touched on the gaslighting. But that’s another blog. This one has drained me for now. Re-visiting my past is never easy. But it helps in the healing. I don’t have my das here anymore to talk to when I need to vent, or just need reassuring. Blogging helps.

So I leave you with of course my links in hopes of someone visiting my shop.

https://simplegiftshere.company.site/

https://kolejax.com/?ref=qnwfpdlfis30

https://purpleyoda.myctfo.com/